Monday, October 24, 2005

NUFCED by wikkidpissah

“The sum of the square roots of any two sides of an isosceles triangle is equal to the square root of the remaining side. Oh joy! Rapture! I got a brain!”

For over twenty years, the lion’s share of my income has come from the gambling profession. For the last fifteen I’ve made my money on both sides of the table, but I’ve made my entire living playing horses and poker (as I am now) for significant periods of time. While not noble, it has been pleasurable and exciting and has called the best from my brilliant organism. In my early years as a gambler (only horses, then), a noob asked me what the original appeal to me was. “The certainty of it”, said I. “I can form an opinion based on thousands, if not, millions of factors; back that opinion with cash and, a minute and ten seconds later, know for sure if I was right or wrong.”

Think of how few questions in your world will ever be answered. How your boss screws the pooch almost daily, yet you know that he’ll never turn over the reins over to you so you may right the carriage. How you and your mate can both be absolutely right and absolutely wrong at the same time. How our leaders could change the world if they would only see it as you do, but never will. It is this whirlpool of doubt that causes some to crave oblivion, others to search for systems that tell them exactly how to think about everything and we gamesman to work our little puzzles, that we may spread the salve of tiny but certain results over the open questions which will ever remain elusive to us.

Not happy with those mini-answers, I’m going to list the first thing I would do if I were to take control of each NFL franchise. This week I’ll do the AFC - See if you agree.

Bills: Tell Mike Mularkey that he’ll be fined $1,000 every time he doesn’t make his passes play-action, unless down-and-distance are ridiculously long.

Dolphins: Insert the IMMORTAL SAGE ROSENFELS at QB. Honest, guys, I’ve been wishing for this since they got him from the Redskins three yrs ago. I saw him play in the Big 12 several times & always thought he had the kavorka.

Patriots: Buy a cornerback-cloning machine for Coach B, so he never has to endure hasbeen or neverwas DBs like Duane Starks or Earthwind Moreland again.

Jets: Rehire Ray Lucas. I know it’s a whole different regime and he must be a lunkhead not to have caught on in all those chances with other teams, but I sure liked his last season with the Jets and he couldn’t be much worse than Father Time.

Bengals: Start Chris Perry. I really like Rudi, but the Bengals’ perennial-playoff future has the Wolverine at RB.

Browns: Cut Kellen Winslow Jr. and violate his contract. And hire the best QB available in the offseason to bring some immediate hope back to the lake.

Ravens: Frame Jamal to violate his probation so they can start Chet Taylor (see CPerry)

Steelers: Shave Cowher’s mustache and send him out for some orthodontia. I can no longer abide that old-woman’s-pussy grimace of his.

Texans: Why are NFL franchises so much more loathe to fire coaches midseason than teams in other sports? Capers is a cancer – in fact what this franchise needs is the football equivalent of one of the kiddie's gray drawing pads where you can just lift a sheet of plastic and erase the entire history of your endeavours.

Colts: Another coaching fine – $10,000 every time Tony fails to attack the end zone in each possession where they cross the 50.

Jaguars: I don’t care how green he is – Matt Jones gets ten touches a game.

Titans: I thought Chris Brown was gonna be HUUUGE coming out of Colorado and he flashes major chops now and then, but this injury bug ruins this team’s continuity, like Mike Vick’s inconsistency does in Atlanta. Ride the pine, Crissy...just say no, Travis, and we just say yes to you.

Broncos: Fire Shanny. He used to lead the league in smart. He leads the league in stupid anymore.

Chiefs: LJ plays special teams, that’s it - RBBC is gonna keep this team out of the playoffs in Priest and Vermeil’s last chance.

Raiders: Poison Al Davis in his sleep. Maybe his heirs won’t be afraid to hire a coach as substantial as they are.

Chargers: The bottom sends you right back up to the top. NO Charger pass of reasonable down and distance should start without a fake to LT2. Except when you pass to LT2.

NFC soon. On to the games of week 7 –

KC 30 MIA 20
I don’t care if they did win – a week after they rediscovered that Priest was 2nd only to Faulk as the best pass-receiving RB of this generation, they forgot that fact just as easily and completely. They’ll regret that...Best case for the IMMORTAL SAGE ROSENFELS: In Frerotte’s 10 looks to Chambers: 8 incs (1st 8), 1 rec, 1 int. In Sage’s one look: one 77yd TD.

MINN 23 GB 20
In the first half, the Vikings showed just how little character they have, In the second half, the Packers showed just how little skill they have. Three-point adjustment for home-field advantage and you have this ugly thang. Nufced.

IND 38 HOU 20
Two examples that I have a complete mastery of the obvious: Reggie Wayne is now officially the #1 WR in Indy...Dominick Davis deserves better.

DET 13 CLE 10
Please, please, puh-lease stay healthy Jeff Garcia. I (and a million Lions fans) would luuuv to be able to say the Joey Harrington era is at an end. Is Royboy gonna be the CBrown/MBenn-out of WRs?...I know Rubes had a 100, but I’d still give WGreen a try before Charlie Frye.

PGH 27 CIN 13
*Wikkid pats self on back* Like I toldja, Steelers just more grown up than Bengals. (guess that’s one of the bennies of prognosticatin) *Wikkid slaps self on forehead* Wish I hadn’t drop HMiller from like four teams.

STL 28 NO 17
He’s putting up great #s, but SJax won’t be a top-tier RB til he stops running so high...Who ever thought Az Hakim would ever be a factor again? – hope he shoves Stallworth back to Hamstring Hell when Horn comes back.

WASH 52 SF 17
Congrats to Clintoris for getting off the schneide...I think he was QB on every one of my ‘90s FFB teams and Brunell’s comeback is STILL a major surprise to me...If ASmith was ever gonna be a starting QB (something I expressed major reservations about in the forums on draft day), they’re ruining that as we speak. He makes Kyle Orton look like Montana out there– I wanna see Dorsey get a shot.

PHIL 20 SD 17
Luckiest win of the season. If Philly played only 2nd halves, they’d be the Texans. Does their lack of an inside running game have anything to do with that?...Trotter deserves NFC Defensive MVP for his performance against LT2 today alone.

SEA 13 DAL 10
Is the other shoe dropping on the Bledsoe Miracle? That D is getting better as Drew gets worse...Does DJHackett have the worst hands in football? – makes me homesick for KoRo’s claws.

CHI 10 BAL 6
The under on this game was the bet of the year – both offenses performed better than I thought they would and they STILL beat the total by two TDs! Is it ILLEGAL for a Ravens QB to hit a wideout? (15 yd penalty – excessive use of caps)

AZ 20 TENN 10
Jeff Fisher gets my vote for midseason coach-of the year for this team not being just like the Texans this year...they had this game untiw widdew Cwissy feww down and went boom again...Back to the bench, Josh – as previously stated in this space, Denny promised Kurt not to bench him when he signed & McCown did nothing today to cause the coach to reconsider his scruples.

OAK 38 BUF 17
Still not a Lamont Jordan fan – the Bills’ run D is sooo bad it’s effecting team morale a much as JPLoseman did...Nice rope-a-dope, Randy – injury list distinctions should be made by independent physiscians. Too much gamesmanship going on anymore.. Doug Gabriel pulled my ass outta the hash on three fantasy teams yesterday.

NYG 24 DEN 23
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...karma’s a bitch, aint it, Shanny?! Sat on one too many leads, dincha? Three-and outs are NEVER an acceptable outcome, gitme? But, before I forget...HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

‘Tsit for now. I think we have a new columnist coming aboard tomorrow. Let us know what you think. Play hard!

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