Saturday, September 30, 2006

THE PASTIME by wikkidpissah

Since Creekie had too much life this week to give a full column & we don’t have scheduled content for tomorrow, I thought I’d have a look at how I did as a fantasy baseball prognosticator. There some brilliance, some wisdom, some lameness and some utter stupidity. Let’s break it down:


- Ryan Howard will be a consensus 1-2 round draft pick in '07 and he’s going 5-10 now. Grab him – he’s Big Papi without the learning curve.

- Odd to put a second year player who reminds me of George Brett (the best unjuiced hitter of the last quarter century) up as a Snoozer pick, but Garrett Atkins (Col) will make a great safety pick at the position. Could even challenge for the NL batting title.

- Loves me some Carlos Guillen. Suck it, Creekie!!

- Joe Mauer is my only unqualified stud at the catcher position. Only player I'm over-drafting this year...

- Lance Berkman is a pure stick who got waylayed a little by injury last season. There are a lot worse batters being drafted waaay ahead of him. Smarten up

- he's not really a sleeper because he was drafted pretty high last but, though Vernon Wells was overrated last year, he's underrated for '06 & the reason for both is the same. BEWARE when a hitter (who's not Miggy Cabrera) becomes the lone good hitter in a lineup. Pitchers can and do save their best stuff for that target player in those situations. When they don't have to worry about exhausting themselves for the rest of the order, they can pitch to one player at closer velocity without consequence. ... this was Wells' situation last year

- Brad Lidge has the very best stuff in baseball. I say his '05 post-season failures mess up his head


- All the knowsters are picking Casey Kotchman (Pocoima Angels) as their sleeper this year, but I got a question: when nobody's picking Sean Casey or Lyle Overbay in the 1st 20 rds this season, why would anyone be excited about someone who aspires to be Sean Casey or Lyle Overbay?!....

- 2B DUDS: I'll go for my best sleeper of '05, Jorge Cantu, to fall back to earth. Marcus Giles is also looking like he'll never deliver on his '04 promise.

- Miggy Cabrera is the second best hitter in baseball (he moves ahead of ARod this year)

- David Wright is Scott Rolen with speed, Scott Rolen is David Wright on speed. Rolen is my pick for bargain (7-9th rd) of the year

- Morgan Ensberg's '04 was soooo bad that his excellent '05 doesn't yet have me convinced.

- Clint Barmes comes back to earth bigtime this season - wouldnt take him in the 20th. Are Bobby Crosby & Khalil Greene the same person? They have the same skill set, faith of their teams and, at best, only one of them ever seems to be playing (due to injury) at any one time. Seattle's Jlo - I just found out Yahoo has him eligible only at 2b for some reason. He came up with phenom written all over him & may be worth giving a 2nd chance .

- No real duds in the outfield this year, but a couple worth mentioning. JayBay is being drafted in the 1st round by some this year. That's a mistake...I was going to announce that this is the year that Sheff goes bad, but he's sinking like a stone in avg draft position, so i guess you already know that.

- Pedro has BMS - Baseball Munchhausen Syndrome. He LIKES having an injury situation goin on from which to frustrate the living bejeesus out of his owners for weeks on end & then rescue your opinion of him with 2-3 starts where he pitches as only Pedro can, then rinse & repeat. The toe gives him the perfect excuse for one of those years...


- Jay Gibbon will have the most invisible good season in baseball this year. (well, I got invisible right

- Mark Loretta will win the batting title this year

- 2B STUDS: Chase Utley will dominate his position like no one else in '06. Thanks to Creekie for putting me on him early last season...Rickie Weeks will be what Utley was in ‘05

- Jhonny Peralta scares me a little, but the speed with which the Indians moved him to 3rd in the batting order once he started hitting & how he thrived once they did was the best surprise of last season.

- Never liked Andruw, never will.

- I am flat freaking amazed that Jeff Francoeur is lasting to round 10 in many drafts. My boy Frenchy is Vlad Guerrero in the Montreal years, kids, simple as that

- I didn't like the way Jeremy Hermida looked when he came up last year, but a look as his minor-league numbers convince me he was pressing and will do very nicely this season.

- Brady Clark is virtually the same player as Coco Crisp. Why are they being drafted well over a hundred spots apart? (weak because, even tho clark & crisp were close to equal uts cuz Coco was sooo lame)
- Rich Harden's shit is as filthy as Johan's - remember I said that


- Dan Johnson will have a better '06 than Prince Fielder

- 2B DUDS: Soriano's too easy. Robinson Cano is a bum who wouldn't merit discussion if he wasn't in that lineup.

- I really should have put John Patterson in the Studs section off his promising '05, but it's only in the last couple of days that word of his new changeup has me convinced this kid could be the Chris Carpenter for this season

- the Baltimore Orioles pitching staff - add the best pitching coach in baseball history to some of the sickest ballthrowers in the game & summin's GOTTA happen

- this is the year KRod's arm blows up & we lose him for a year-and-a-half

- Bobby Cox should be smart enough to put Joey Devine into the closer role sooner rather than later. Grab him off the WW the very second you hear he might be thinking of doing that. You're welcome.

And there you have it. I think, all things considered, you did better by listening to me than not, but I won’t be offended if I hear some giggling. Play hard -

On The Hash... Marks (Not So Special Edition)

My usual plan for this column, is as follows:

Mon-Wed: Read up on last weeks games, as well as the upcoming's weeks games.
Thurs: Do predictions part of column
Fri: Do Poll & Heisman part, then post on LR

Unfortunately, I've had quite the busy week. Thursday night was an open mic which meant I wouldn't be starting mu coulmn then. In retrospect, I probably should've writtin it wednesday night, but I had hoped to write it friday after school. Well, it turns out friday after school was the perfect time to attend one of my school's football games for the first time. No big deal though, it ends at 7:30, still plenty of time to do everything necessary for the column. Afterwards however, we all decided to go out to dinner... then we went to hang out at the pool... then back to my friends house. So now I'm sitting at home, dead tired, with a column to write. I really wish I had it in me to stay up another couple hours and write my usual column, but I don't. And I wish I had it in me to wake up early in the morning to write my column, but I don't. I know, I know, if I don't care enough to write my column, why should you care enough to read it? I really don't have an answer for that. I don't really feel that bad about it either. This has been the most eventful week of my real life in some time. So even though I offer no insight or reason for you to read, I will make picks this week. Mostly for myself, but if anyone feels like commenting and starting a discussion, I'd be glad to respond.

Last Week: 10-10-1
Overall: 51-28-1

Tennessee -13 Memphis

LSU -33 Mississippi St.

Colorado +16 Missouri

Utah -5.5 Boise St.

Georgia Tech +10.5

Alabama +16 Florida

California -9.5 Oregon st.

Texas (No Line) Sam Houston St.

USC -17 Washington St.

Clemson -33.5 Louisiana Tech

Iowa +6.5 Ohio St.

Michigan -9.5 Minnesota

Upset Special (3-1): Oregon +1.5 Arizona St.

**~**$Creek's 5-Star, No Doubt, Money-Making *dramatic music, extreme closeup* LOCK OF THE WEEK**~** (2-1-1): Georgia -18 Mississippi

Friday, September 29, 2006

Degenerate Gamblers V 2.0 week 4

Shut up bitches... No one feels worse than me with last weeks 0-2-1 $550.00 deficit. You are still up $420.00 for the year with the 5-3-1 season record against the spread.

I have been back in the States for over 2 weeks, and still am not home yet, so my patience is wearing thin, whining will get my acid up, so roll with the punches, tighten up your chin strap, and enjoy the E-ticket ride that is Degenerate Gamblers.

The picks

Charlie Frye handed the Ravens a win last week, by actually passing into the endzone, with a lead, late in their game. San Diego wont make that poor choice this week, as LT & Gates sing the old Talking Heads song, Take Me To The Rivers. San Diego - 2.5 will be a $330.00 play

Seattle/Chicago should be a good Game. No SA, means Hass will have to throw into the teeth of what may be one of the better defenses. Rex has been playing way above his ability for 3 weeks. Sorry rex, but that is about to end. Sea + 3.5 will eke out a win. $220.00 says Seattle wins this one.

Minn plays a Buffalo team, that is a roller coaster in it self. They never know what team is going to show up. Minny has been playing well, & the 420 year old Brad Johnson, has been steady. I expect this to come down to the kicking game, and Minny grabbing 1 point, while not a lot, is still my choice. Minn +1 will be a $220.00 play.

Teaser of the week.
I love this teaser. I am risking $110.00 to get a $330.00 payoff, and I highly recommend you do too. 6 point Teaser.....

San Diego +3.5
Minny +7
Carolina -1
Seattle +9.5

that's it for this week, so go on with your lives, and put a fresh coat of lime on the bodies you have buried under your porch.

Later you winning wannabes

Thursday, September 28, 2006


PROF 32-14
WIKKID 31-15
CREEK 30-16
JIMED 29-17
ARCHER 29-17
GBIN 28-18
AHELM 27-19












GB (homer alert)



Professor Ellis D Trails Week 4 Syllabus

Week 4 has brought us to the first crossroads. This is where some teams can make or break a run. This is where some teams can either overcome or succumb to an injury. This is where stories are made and dreams are destroyed. The trenches of the NFL are known specifically as the connection between the offensive and defensive lines. However, it is also the time in which men become leaders and the losers stagger in defeat. Football is unlike any other sport as it is a sprint, a fleeting group of moments that builds towards the ultimate goal of every player and coach upon the conclusion of training camp and that assemblage of men diminishes with each crushing loss and each short-lived victory. That is the NFL and why we love it so.

Week 4.

San Francisco lost two young players on that “Bus”esque trot to the end zone by big DT Mike Patterson last week although it looks as though Gore will be ready to go this week. The question is whether he will lose goal line carries to Robinson. KC comes off their bye week with Huard still at the helm, he couldn’t ask to play a worse defense.

Alex Smith - Playing on the road in KC is tough for any seasoned vet.
Frank Gore - KC has real trouble stopping the run. Great start.
Eric Johnson - Now that Davis is out he is the go to guy once again. He was most likely available in your league, did you get him?

Damon Huard - Only worthy because of the opposition. SF pass defense is terrible.
LJ - LJ owners rejoice that he is back to face the Niners, did you win with your bye week fill in? I did.
Tony G - He is a great play because Huard will look to him a lot to move the chains.

Daunte Suckapepper gets to tee off against the lowly Texans. Many thought he would against the Titans as well. Mularkey seems lost. People still think that the Texans should have taken Bush, now they have a shot at Peterson.

C-Pep - He seems like he forgot how to throw the football. He will be reenergized against this piss poor group of DB’s.
Ronnie Brown - Houston gives up huge games to running backs.
Chris Chambers - When is he going to get going? It is a safe bet, it will be this week and that could catapult this offense to where it needs to be.

Andre Johnson - He has really benefited from have Moulds. Moulds is a teacher and takes enough of the coverage.

Dallas comes off their bye with allegations of a suicide attempt by the nameless jackass. He probably realizes the mistake that he made going to a team with the human statue as his QB. Tennessee almost pulled of the upset last week, that team could seriously go 0-16.

The Statue - This is the battle of the two statues this week. Drew should suck a little less.
Terry Glenn - With the nameless jackass still out, he should get a ton of looks and some nice numbers.
Jason Witten - See Terry Glenn

The Statue #2 - He is the lame duck and gets pummeled once again behind a line that gives a different meaning to the term “offensive” line.
Drew Bennett - The only real option for a team that will be perpetually trailing with absolutely no running game to speak of.

Indy doesn’t have any real running game but still puts up the points and gets the wins. The game is a sneaky game for the Colts. The Jets are playing some strong ball right now and do not really have an identity to key on as of yet for a defense.

Peyton Manning - If Loseman can go for over 350, what do you think Peyton can do?
Joe Addai - I called his last big game and I am doing it again for this week
Marvin Harrison - Ho hum, 100+ and a TD, Ho hum.

Chad Pennington - Right now, he is my comeback player of the year. Not only is he playing well, but is a leader on the field.
Leon Washington - He showed some flashes of his ability last week and with the dismal play of Derrick Blaylock, he might get a shot this week at some significant playing time. Barlow is still the goal line and starter, so don’t put your expectations too high.
Coles - He is really happy that Chad is back and is playing that way.
Cotchery - McCariens who? Great hands and maneuverability. If he is available in your league, get him, but I am sure someone already has.

Minnesota has been playing real smart football. Well up until that last few series against Chicago. Buffalo was the first team ever to lose when their QB throws for over 350 and their RB runs for over 150. That is a record to cherish.

Brad Johnson - He can win close games, but has no real fantasy value.
Chester Taylor - He will play better this week than against Chicago, but who doesn’t play better when they are not playing Chicago?

J.P. Loseman - He looked stellar against the Jets and still manages to lose. Maybe he should change his name to J.P. Winman, that might help.
Willis McGahee - Can it be that Willis has turned the corner and become a top level fantasy back, I still don't believe it.
Lee Evans - He finally started to show some of that promise last week and that should continue this week against an overrated Smoot.

SD comes off of their bye as hungry as they left. Baltimore barely escapes Cleveland with a win and now comes home to a defense that will eat you up and spit you out before you can say, Steve McNair looks tired.

Rivers - Start someone else, this is going to be a very very low scoring game
LT - You have to start him, but don’t expect too much from him.
Gates - See LT

I do not recommend any Baltimore players this week except maybe Stover and Heap. Stover might get a couple of field goals on turnovers and Heap will be covered by Clinton Hart is playing out of position thanks to the shipment of codeine cough syrup shipment by the regular starter. It is obvious that this game will be a low scoring affair and could even end up scoreless going into overtime.

New Orleans comes off of their huge emotional Monday night victory over the undefeated Atlanta Falcons, if there was ever a time for a let down, this would be it. Carolina is still not playing the way they were expected, but put Simms in the hospital last week and should be able to take care of a flying high Saints squad.

Drew Brees - I’ll be the first to admit that he has far exceeded my expectations. I thought that with the lack of Gates would really be his downfall, but this kid Colston has stepped up and filled that role nicely.
Deuce McAllister - He might have thought that the Bush situation would hurt him, but it has only helped him. It gives him necessary rests to maintain freshness and also helps take tacklers away when Bush is out wide or in motion. They are using this tandem well right now.
Joe Horn - Do you remember that SD WR’s sucked, well now Brees is in New Orleans.

Jake Delhomme - He obviously looked better with smith. Even Me-shawn benefited from Smith’s return.
DeShaun Foster - Seems to still be the #1 for now, I think that Fox will play the hot hand, so look for some good games and some non existent games.
Steve Smith - New Orleans defense played over their heads against Atlanta and were aided by the poor play of the WR’s and Michael Vick. Smith will get his first TD of the year with ease.

There was some chatter about Leinart starting this week after the many turnovers from Kurt “I have never seen a pass route that I can’t hit in my life, whoops” Warner. Ain’t happening. Green isn’t stupid enough to throw Leinart to the wolves while games still mean something. He’ll wait until the Cards are out of the hunt, at least next week. Atlanta laid a big egg at New Orleans, but they would have had targets on them if they won that game.

Kurt Warner - He can feel Matt’s breath on his neck and could put in another turnover filled performance this week. This one should be a high scoring game as Kurt is back in a dome, where he can air it out to his duo.
Edge - I have seen a lot of, “When will Edge get his first 100 yard game?” talk. It may not happen this year.
Larrynquan Fitzboldin - These guys are interchangeable. I wouldn’t mind having both on my team each week.

Vick - If you can stop his legs, he is easily beatable.
Dunn - He’ll be running wild at home this week.

New coaches, new system, new defense, new quarterback, same result. Marc looked to start to get into a groove against Arizona and will continue again this week at home versus a defense that gives up a ton of passing yards.

John Kitna - This game could turn into a shootout. He should get some stats at the end to build up his numbers.
Roy Williams - He exploded against GB, and will put up similar numbers this week.

Marc Bulger - He is in line for a big week, he is at home against the Lions.
S-Jax - He has grown a lot this year and will continue his breakout season.
Torry Holt - Marc has two TD’s this year, both to Holt, look for that to continue. He wishes that he could play the Lions every week.

Cleveland was deflated in their loss to Baltimore and now has to go on the road to face an extremely underachieving Raider team that is coming off a bye. If Oakland ever had a shot to win a game this season, this would be it.

Charlie Frye - He did insanely well against Baltimore considering their defense, Winslow is nursing some injuries, but Braylon is playing well. Time to come back to earth, Charlie and out of the top players of the week.
Braylon Edwards - One of the best young players in the league will hit a couple of bumps and this week will be one of them.

Andrew Walters - We finally get to see what this kid is made of. The line play should be better on both sides of the ball and could have a good game this week as long as he doesn’t try to do too much
Lamont Jordan - Walters is going to need him as a runner and a receiver to play well. Start him in ppr’s.
Randy Moss - If, and that’s a big If, he catches a couple of bombs from Walters, he won’t want Brooks back and neither will the fans. Big If though.

The Jags came close to pulling the upset last week, special teams got them and they couldn’t do squat on offense. Washington finally showed that they have an offense, but it was against the Texans.

Byron Leftwich - People think that Washington’s defense is good, but they are actually pretty susceptible to the pass.
Fred Taylor - He gets hurt so often, that when his backup was hurt, people were really upset. He looks healthy and strong this year and that is good for the jaguars.
Matt Jones - He is almost undefendable. He is tall and fast and can catch anything. He has the will and determination of 5 men and the only WR worth a start on this team.

Mark Brunell - You can be sure that he won’t be setting any completion records against the Jaguars.
Clinton Portis - Doesn’t make a great play this week against Jacksonville, especially with the Jags losing last week.
Three Blind Mice - See how they run.

New England looks to be in some trouble. Watching the Denver game showed me that Brady needs a go to guy. Even if he doesn’t throw it to him all the time, it allows him to be more flexible. Without that guy he is just trying to hard. Maroney is a stud though. Cincy started of the Pittsburgh game slow, but Carson took advantage of some key turnovers and scored in an instant, you just can’t give that offense those kinds of opportunities.

Tom Brady - He really cannot do it all himself. His two best receiving threats are both TE’s. He needs a playmaker at WR and Reche Caldwell is not it.
Corey Dillon - He was hurt in last week’s game, but no one knows how much. Damn Belichik and his effing injury silence.
Laurence Maroney - Stud, star, beast, whatever you want to call him. Indianapolis is wishing they got him.
Ben Watson - He is still Brady’s top target, but they need to move the ball better overall.

Carson Palmer - If you didn’t think that he was back before last week, you know he is now. You cannot say he isn’t gun-shy and with those wide receivers, can you blame him? Palmer is a must start.
Rudi Johnson - In that offense, he is a good start, but don’t expect a ton out of him
Chad Johnson - He hasn’t had a big week yet, that will change this week.
Housh - He picked the right week to comeback and was the top performer in many leagues last week. 80 and a TD is not out of the question.

Seattle won the game but lost Alexander. That hurts, but not as much as one might think. Morris is a #1 back for some teams in this league and will play just fine in SA’s place. Granted, they are playing Chicago this week, so it wouldn’t really matter who is running behind that o-line. Chicago stole a victory from Minnesota last week on a miracle fumble and then some bonehead calls by the Minnesota offense at the end. This should be a close and entertaining game.

Matt Hasselback - He certainly won’t throw five TD passes this week. He’ll be lucky to get one.
Maurice Morris - He finally gets to start, too bad it’s in Chicago.
Deion Branch - The wrinkly that Branch adds to their offense is an interesting one, it gives the team an added dimension that it did not have before. They are able to spread the field and still run effectively. It could take Chicago by surprise this week, but I doubt it.

Rex Grossman - You saw the Rex that isn’t playing Detroit or Green Bay last week. The same one that tosses touchdowns to the other team. Back to the bench you go buddy.
Thomas Jones - Did Cedric Benson even play last week? Seattle’s run defense is pretty damn stout, so play him only if you have no other options.

Brett Favre looked like the Brett of old last week or is the Brett is old, anyway, he threw his 400th TD pass and continues to trot all the way to Canton. He doesn’t have a great history when playing philly, but philly is banged up in the secondary and if anyone could take advantage of that it would be him. I expect a high scoring Monday night battle between the old and the new regime at Qb in the NFL.

Brett Favre - Brett still has the arm and the heart to lead his team. He will always get his stats, you just got to think the old man is due to throw a few interceptions this week.
Ahman Green - Take away the receiving stats from last week’s game and Green flat out sucked. The Eagles are stingy when it comes to the run, so don’t expect much here.
Donald Driver - He is still a top WR in the league and a great #2 on any fantasy team.
Greg Jennings - He is fast becoming Brett’s go to guy.

Donavon McNabb - Visions of 4th and 26 will dance in the heads of the fans this coming Monday night, but it shouldn’t take anything like that to beat the Pack. He will put up another juggernaut of a game though in Primetime where he thrives.
Westy - He was my #1 pick for backs last week and he came through in a big way. Here is to all those fools that took Lamont Jordan and Cadillac Williams ahead of him.
Reggie Brown - With all the hype that Stallworth has gotten, D-Mac still feels like Brown is the #1 WR on that team and against the Niners, we saw why on the first play.

Top 10 QB’s for Week 4
1. Donavon McNabb
2. Peyton Manning
3. Tom Brady
4. Michael Vick
5. Carson Palmer
6. Kurt Warner
7. Marc Bulger
8. Jake Delhomme
9. Brett Favre
10. Daunte Culpepper

Top 10 RB’s for Week 4
1. Larry Johnson
2. Brian Westbrook
3. LaDanian Tomlinson
4. Steven Jackson
5. Rudi Johnson
6. Chester Taylor
7. Ronnie Brown
8. Clinton Portis
9. Kevin Jones
10. Lamont Jordan

Top 10 WR’s for Week 4
1. Steve Smith
2. Chad Johnson
3. Torry Holt
4. Randy Moss
5. Marvin Harrison
6. Larry Fitzgerald
7. Roy Williams
8. Andre Johnson
9. Donald Driver
10. Terry Glenn

Week 4 saw some more surprises as well as some teams starting to make their early move to jockey for position. We are one fourth of the way through the fastest start to a season that I have ever been witness to. Did you think the Saints would have a shot at going 4-0 while the Buccs were still looking to get a W, or that you might be contemplating starting Damon Huard because Eli Manning is on the bye. That, my faithful followers is the NFL for you and you just never know what’s right around the corner. Until next week’s class, remember my credo, Always go with your gut and don’t look back.

Professor Ellis D Trails.

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Archers Bull's Eye Week#3

In the anti-histamine haze....

Never fails this time of year is always allergy season and my sinuses fill up with so much mucous that my eyes feel like they are floating on an endless sea of snot.... whatever happens don't make me lean forward.

My observations are usually under some form of drug induced state... even if it is just that harmless Irish past-time of Beer..... but Benadryl always sends my mind to a very special place where I feel especially detached from my physical senses. If I get too weird, humor me.

In the "Found A Cure for Insomnia" Bowl....
Coach Fisher decided to bench his rookie QB this week. I've been told it was so he could make sure that Vince "C-Pep Jr," Young was paying attention to what C-Pep Sr was doing... and take notes to be sure to avoid doing the same thing in a few years.

Wanka-wanka-wanka-wanka-wanka-beuwewewewew... That's the sound Pacman makes when he has a punt return called back. Who knew one of those little phantom ghostie things had hands and could use them illegally?

We Can Hang....
Am I the only one that's noticing that whenever opposing QB's face Peyton.... they are doing their damnedest to outscore him in fantasy terms.... of course no one has done it on the scoreboard yet, where it really counts.

I don't know what's up with the sudden plethora of hyphenated names in the league... sounds like some baby mama gender confusion to me. But the Jags new RB Maurice "Space Cowboy" Drew-Jones.... (any relation to Star Blew-Jones?)... had some impressive numbers in Indy..... over 10 yards per carry. Looked like a county fair greased pig contest the way the Colts defenders were slipping off.

Somebody forgot to give Josh his Scobee Snacks. Goal post ghoulies made him miss two... one a chip shot gimme.

Clinton Blows Up...
Couldn't resist the political double entendre... but I was talking about His Portisness the Prince of Pylon. Ladell must be suffering from some Enabling Complex due to a lack of self esteem. As long as he's got the spotlight, he's the worst RB in the NFL. But as soon as everyone shifts their attention to Clintoris.... Betts puts on a show. Some people just don't do well under pressure of the spotlight.

Just days after cataract surgery Mark Brunell completes a record 22 passes before throwing his first incompletion. Mark finished the day 24 of 27 and was very humble about his accomplishment... praising his O-line for protecting him so well and his Wr's for getting open. Despite the gaudy appearances of the fly-eyes sunglasses (ala Elton John)... he was wearing them under doctor's order. While wearing the "birth control lenses" he also discovered a new 9th planet orbiting our solar system... and named it Ant-Ran El.

Pudgy Packer Breaks Cherry...
Coach McCarthy was giddy as a catholic girl in the rectory on the night of her conformation after the Packers secured their first win under his reign. The first time is always special, but be careful in Detroit.... or you could end up with Cat Scratch Fever.

Is there any reason that Detroit is acting like a neutered Lion hosting the Pack these days. At What point did Bret "Little Simba" Favre grow up to be the Lion King?

#400 is Hallowed Ground. Twenty more before the season is over is very attainable, especially with the little rookie speedster Jennings on the receiving end of those Favre tosses.

Yes Dr Frankenstein, We Have Collected Organ #2...
First Big Ben and now Chris Simms.... I just hope there really isn't some nefarious underground organ collection group harvesting an organ from each pro quarterback.... but Bad Blood (spleen) and Gruden's Golden Boy are a funny coincidence. I wonder what organ they would be targeting from Michael Vick??

Hmmmm If ever there was a shining example of sweet revenge.... KJ got a big taste of it. The Bucs have earned their 0-3 record, but the fact both of these teams went into this match up 0-2 was not the scenario either of them or their fans envisioned during pre-season.

What Simms did by playing "through the pain" was commendable, but very stupid and could have earned him a Darwin Award. A person who was in control of their job situation would never attempt to go to such extremes. This was the act of a desperate man... out of control. Simms should have been on the PUP list from the get go, but he will for sure now.

Things are getting ugly for Little Chuckie. Now he has to throw a rookie QB into the baptismal sacrificial fire.

Victor Hobson's Taxi Agency...
Trust ol' Vic to get you home in 32 yards or less.... or the cab fare is free! With near gail force winds you would think the Jets and Bills would be grounded.... but that wasn't the case at all. Losman actually had a career passing day. How much you wanna bet that 90% of those yards were "with" the wind. Yeah... nothing like mother nature assisting and giving you an arm.

Willis is a monster between the 20's, but is he allergic to end zone chalk?

The Return to the Scene of the Crime...
Just don't go near Colonel Mustard when he has a grip on the candlestick holder in the library.

With the return of TJ Whosyerdaddy and the emergence of Henry... the Bengal offense is thuggin'. The Steelers started the game like gangbusters with an 80 yard drive and Parker TD... they seemed like the Champoinship team they are capable of being... but the Bengals stepped up and answered every time. By the end of the game the Steelers looked like the cellblock bitch of the AFC North.

It takes a special team to create a Super Bowl dynasty like the Patroits... and the Steelers don't have that quality about them this year. It looks like the "Sophomore Slump" bug has Big Ben in his grips.

Tyranosaurus Rex...
Every fantasy league with managers who pay attention are suddenly finding a lack of Bear WR's in their pool of free agents, and Grossman is getting snatched up as a quality back up QB, too.

...and so it was commanded that when the missles fly from the Monsters of the Midway... The Promised Land of Sweetness... the apocalypse is near...

The Vikes had made a name for themselves by winning 3-point ball games so far this season... looks like the third time was NOT the charm, which once again establishes the Bears as the top dawg in the junkyard heap called the NFC North.

The Frye-O-Lator Cooks A Mean Bird...
On paper... the 2-0 Ravens looked like they were on target to annihilate the hapless 0-2 Brownies. Somebody forgot to tell Charlie to lay down, roll over and play dead. In Maxwell Smart fashion.... 'he missed it by that much!'

The difference was McAlister having the inside jump on a ball that was headed for Edwards in the end zone and the seven points that never made it to the scoreboard that would have sealed the upset. Maybe a more experienced QB would have thrown the ball where only Braylon had a shot at it on the outside, but all things considered the Brownies offense put in a hellacious effort.... and Frye looked good.

Since this is my column, I am going to add my one bitch for this week. WTF is up with all the pre-game 'Heap won't play' BS.... and he's the only Raven to see the end zone? I pulled him out of my starting line ups Saturday night, thinking I was saving myself from the goose egg. Fuck!?!

The Toomer is B-9..... Bingo!
Did the Giants D get stuck in Seattle traffic until the 4th Quarter? ... Their offense must have been in the passenger seat, too. If football games had an extra fifteen minute quarter, the Giants would be 3-0... as they seem to warm up after the game has already been decided. It's like the Giants need an alarm clock without a snooze button.

Eli had a great 4th quarter, but it was too little too late. Hamlin was on the receiving end of 2 of Eli's passes... which was more than Plaxico could haul in, and wearing the wrong uniform. Hopefully the bye week will give this team a chance to regroup, because they are stinking up the joint so far.

On a personal note, when my dad was in the hospital a few years ago after his stroke, he shared a room with RW McQuarter's dad... who also had a stroke at the same time. McQuarters is a Tulsa High product (I think Booker T Washington High but I'm just guessing) and at the time he was playing for the Bears. He has a nice family and I've watched his career with special effort ever since. Nice interception return Sunday.

If Alexander is out for any length of time, my season in a few leagues just ended. I'm glad I went with LT in most of the drafts where I had a top three slot, because the other top two have been less than productive considering the expectation. That is my definition of Bust City... well, other than the titty club.

Westboogie Killed Me...
I don't know how many teams I was facing Sunday had Westbrook in their line up, but it seemed like a thousand too many. Every year Westbrook has one of those games where he goes through the roof... usually against the Giants though. Without a doubt... the Eagles are firing on all cylinders. If they can keep up this pace all season, the NFC East is theirs to lose.

For two weeks in a row, Gore has had very untimely fumblitis. The 14 point swing this week was the difference maker. Looks like Mr Robinson's Neighborhood may include the 49er backfield.... oh look! It's Mr. Trolley coming to take us to the Land of Make Believe! I want to go see what would have happened if Stallworth played! ...and I want to kick the shit out of Lady Elaine, she was always such a nagging little bitch.

I'm a Loser Baby... So Why Don'cha Kill Me...
Therapist: So why don't you tell me about your dreams Kurt
Warner: Do you mean the one's where I'm married to a beauty pageant queen?
Therapist: Let's not go there this week.... tell me about yout job
Warner: Well... I have this dream of being a elite Quarterback, but.... Therapist: hmm but what?
Warner: but I keep dreaming that I am nothing more than a grocery boy who drops everything.... like my whole life is a sham and failure. Therapist: interesting.... why?
Warner: Because it has been, except for one fantastically unusual year when I could do no wrong. Everybody still thinks of me as THAT guy. But I'm not.
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Warner: Like a highly overpaid con artist.
Therapist: Is that why you take advantage of nagging injuries and fumble away games or throw so many intereceptions... Is that your cry for help Kurt?


Thanks Doc!

Let's see what Matt can do! He can't make any more mistakes that cost the game any more than what Kurt already does! Right?

Plummer Uses Just Enough Draino To Stay Employed...
Not used to seeing Bronco WR's run for 83 yards to paydirt (that is usually reserved for the backfield stars)... but Walker is showing that the Bronco investment in him was business savvy. It's just strange watching a perennial run heavy offense go to an air attack. This will bring an end to the Rule of Jake ... as the apprentice Jay is better suited to that type of offense. But for now, Jake is still employed and showing some signs of improvement with the shift of talent to the wide out position.

Brady never self-destructed (not his style), but the Bronco defense was stingy all night.... at least until the 4th quarter. Can Gabriel become that ever-needed deep threat that Brady has been missing without Branch? My Magic Eight Ball says: Try Again Later!


Oh When The Saints Come Marchin' In....
I figured that this game would be a snoozer and the Falcons would spoil the homecoming festivities.

Boy was I wrong!

Anybody play the Saints D this week? Anyone? Beuhler? The Vick & Dunn Romper Room Show was virtually shut down, which means that Monday night come-from-behind victory I was counting on went up in a puff of smoke. I'll be sure to grab the tissue box.

Once Stallworth was traded to Philly, I picked up Devery Henderson as a #3 WR flyer in a few leagues.... which has paid off with TD's two weeks running.

With homage to Led Zeppelin... What Is & What Should Never BE

The Aints are 3-0!!!!!!!!

The Cinderella slippers are off the shelf, but they won't come out of the box until next week when they get to 4-0 ....IN Carolina. What are the odds?

Sagitta Veritas

Monday, September 25, 2006

NUFCED by wikkidpissah

Aaah, women. As a 52yo, 300+ lb. unemployed widower, women are now as rare a commodity in my life as enlightened altruism in our nation's capital . Funny thing – I've been real lucky with them over most of my life, with groupies galore in my couple years on the rock & roll road and a decade of cokewhores & cocktail waitresses (yes, there is some overlap between those two avocations) living in Nevada. I’ve not only been lucky in quantity, but in quality – meaningful relationships with women of substance, style, sweetness & sexchronicity. And to carry the sibillant alliteration up one more floor, my wife still ranks as the most singular human being I’ve ever known. Surprisingly enough, though, I don’t miss their company as much as I thought I would being out of the game and seem to have lost most of my constant cravings.

Until today. My computer’s been fritzing out so I accepted a football invite from the guy who helps me with such things – he also has DirectTV so I wasn’t gonna miss the multiway action I require to bring the steaming heaps of wisdom I do to my LOCKERROOM readers.

WRONG! My host & his wife are from Ohio and, in the early game, my pal’s beloved Bengals were facing their arch-rivals and he wouldn’t flip the channel of his 4192-inch TV during commercials, for fear of missing a second of hysterical worry (fr’instance, he considers OSU’s 28-3 win Saturday a close call), no matter how well-in-hand his team appeared to have the game. His Cleveland-born wife joined in early, taking the Pittsburgh side of the rooting just to keep her hubby well-shaken & was truly in her element helping elevate her hubby’s blood pressure well into its own redzone as the Steelers mounted a comeback.

It is rare when the Bengals & Browns do not both play in the early games, so we were really in for a treat when Ravens-Browns were to be the second course of the football feast. I was ready to tease this gal as mercilessly as she had her husband til I realized the connection between her team & their opponents. A true Browns fan would rather see Art Modell drawn, quartered, bled, hung and fed to feral beasts at midfield than their team in the Super Bowl and the grudge creates a rivalry that has little to do with the quality of play. My hostess was a loud as the whole crowd as the remarkable Charlie Frye led Cleveland to a nice halftime lead over the traitor Ravens. My pal even nudged me at halftime to impart the news that he might “get some” tonite if Cleveland held on. His chance at post-game action was kicked out the window by Matt Stover’s foot, however. What’s worse is that Stover is the only holdover from the team that fled the lakeshore for the bayside.

And I realized – a life aint really a life that isn’t reflected in the passion & playfulness of a good woman. Though I think the recent feminization of our society is as unfortunate a cultural phenomenon as campaign ads and pickup/SUV combos (make up your fuckin minds, ya droolin mooyuks!) and that Oprah has done as much harm to our society as Osama, without them we are less, if not lost. And, as soon as I find a callgirl who likes the Pats, I’m gonna get me one.

My hosts’ fanaticisms caused me to miss a lot of the action, but I’ll try to reconstruct what I can.

CIN 28 PGH 20

Carson Palmer is still not getting any push off his injured leg & did not step up when he normally would. If he can throw 4 TD’s against the Steelers under those circumstances, it’s scary to think what he can do when it comes around. But, if I’m a DC, I blitz him like crazy....There are good reasons for it, but Pgh’s offense is totally out of sync. Cowher seems more interested in proving that FWP is a full-service back than moving the football. Coach, if your running game don’t set up other stuff for you, these days it’s worthless. Just saying....I hate rooting for felons & find it unnerving to watch a player who looks like he could be snapped in half on every play, but Chris Henry is one of the most blindingly talented WRs in the game.

CAR 26 TB 24

Skip this one if you’re easily offended. Now, Chris Simms is not content with inspiring me to new heights of describing suckness - he sucks so bad that now he’s taking what little pleasure I get from covering Buccaneer games by getting hurt so bad I can’t, in good taste, make my suck jokes about him for weeks. I mean, I can’t say that the injury to his torso might be a SUCKING chest wound, I can’t say that I hope he shows the same courage he did in returning in the 2nd half by retiring & sparing us from having to watch his incompetence ever again and I certainly can’t say that he sucks the blood-drips off a cannibal's teabag like I’d planned this week. That sucks. All I can say is that I hope he is OK as much as I hope never to see him ever start another football game....Those are some slammin’ complimentary bookends the Cats got now, but there’s summin missing with that team. I sincerely doubt that the preseason NFC faves will even make the postseason.

WASH 31 HOU 15

Was Floyd Landis the Washington waterboy for this game or what? I mean I never seen a QB look as old as Brunell did against Da Boyz. Don’t they have to make him pee in a cup after this leap out of the phone booth up over the Texans in a single bound....I guess the Houston defense is that bad – 488 yds a game so far....See, soon as Ladell Betts goes back to backup, he turns into Jim Brown. What is that?

NYJ 28 BUF 20

Not much to say about this one. All I got: Eli is the second best quarterback who calls the Meadowlands home & Loseman continues to find new ways to stink it up – adding 100+ yds to his career passing high while having his worst game of the season. The mind boggles.

BAL 15 CLE 14

Heartbreaker (see above)....Charlie Frye is very close to entering my top 10 favorite players. An o-line that actually makes them look like they’re playing two less guys than the other side, a starting running back from who’s a rookie from like ITT Tech or summin, a gleefully blitzing opponent that had yet to allow a TD and sacked him 5 times in the 1st half and he puts up 200 yds & two TDs before intermission. God, I hope they put a team around him before the shellshock sets in. He would be the most talked about player in football on a real team....There may have already been more “Huh?!?!” passes thrown this season than all of last, and Steve McNair is among the leading offenders....If Braylon Edwards ever decides to run a crossing pattern, he could be summin special.

PHIL 38 SF 24

Can you have two better first halves the the Iggles have just had? Reid will regret not making that defense play at least three full quarters before goofin, though....With ASmith showing he can at least put up numbers against bad/prevent defenses (which he couldn’t do last year), EJohnson could be your best FA pickup this week, now that they don’t have VD....I was hoping Stallworth’s hammy probs were a psychosomatic reaction to playing 2nd fiddle in Nawlins, but I guess they’re f’real.

INDY 21 JAX 14

While the Bears and Ravens are more fun to watch, I don’t think I’ve seen two defenses at the same time so good at getting a team out of their gameplan & uncomfortable like Seattle and the Jags....Freddy Taylor gave more proof of his ten-cent head today – after a fine start, he actually stopped running purposefully when his change-of-pace backup, Maurice Jones-Drew-Mellencamp outshone him....Edge’s absence is as significant in Indy as his presence in Phoenix isn’t.

MIA 13 TEN 10

Nothing in ’06 surprises me as much as Dolphin suckage. C-Pep (my pick for bargain-of-the-draft), Chambers, the defense plays entirely without spirit, even Ronnie Brown’s carries look meaningless. So much for genius & momentum....Is there anything I could say about the Titans that would be of the least interest to you?

SEA 42 NYG 30

This is the single greatest offensive innovation since the T-formation. We’ve all heard of running to set up the pass, then Air Coryell came around with passing to set up the run. But this is unprecedented – throwing interceptions to set up the premature prevent. How could football have been played for a 100 years without latching onto this concept?! Hindsight’s a bitch, eh?....This Big Shaun-plus-four-wideouts thing is gonna be fun....If you offered me Eli for Charlie Frye, I’d turn you down.

GB 31 DET 24

Answer me this – when St. Brett was in his heyday & making us wonder if we were seeing the best ever, his one cringe game each year was in Detroit. Now that he is the QBing equivalent to the toothless guy bumming cigs in a poolhall, he turns the Lion’s home into his own personal pinball game. Wassup widdat?!....I think I’d rather have a home team that was just plain awful than one who’s D-good-O-bad one week & O-good-D-bad the next. Jusy enough to lose is the most frustrating thing of all....Green Bay, Green Bay, Green Bay – I think I’m still gonna be calling them Green Bye more often, but a road wins earns them their proud old appellation this week.

CHI 16 MIN 13

The mark of a championship team is the ability to win even when you suck. Mission accomplished on both accounts....If a coach is measured by the impact he has on his team, Brad Childress has my early vote as Coach of the Year. Not only is he doing a lot with a little, skill position-wise, this team has done a complete 180 in attitude and discipline. Well done....Anybody know why CedBen didn’t take a single snap today? Not like TJ was doing anything special.

STL 16 AZ 14

It’s not because Kurt putting the ball on the ground cost them the game. It’s because there is no reason I can see why this offense shouldn’t be exciting that it is time for Matt Leinart to have a try....When there is this kind of talent on the field and the highlight of the game was that the Cards were lining up for a 77-yd FG attempt to end the game before a penalty got in the way, you win the Ugly Game of the Week.

DEN 17 NE 7

The Pats throw a shoe like this once each year it seems (SD last yr, Mia the year before). Let’s hope this was the case. Denver DBs utter mastery of of Patriots WRs has me worrying, though....Javont’s gonna be wide open 40 yards down the field at least twice a game and there’s nothing you can do to stop it....Is it going to be fun to watch Belichick’s personnel-relations deficiencies override his play-calling genius?

And that’s that. Hopefully this was the bad game I needed to get out of MY way. Sorry for the lack of humor, spirit and insight. I guess I’m just conflicted between desires to lie back and muse upon the magic of a woman’s touch & spanking it to some Chubby Mature. Play hard -

Saturday, September 23, 2006

JBond's Unnamed Guest Column

2 of 3 Tri-States agree this column rocks!

Making my LR debut, I’m going take you through the Tri-state area and
the hip football experiences we’re having. Except I’m leaving out West
Virginia because no one cares about West Virginia.

Firstly, Ohio State has beaten Penn State (by more than the spread
might I add). This was the game where OSU’s DEFENSE had to pull it out
instead of the future Heisman winner Troy Smith and the offense.
Luckily Anthony Morelli has an arm like JoePa and coughed it up way too
much to give OSU the win. Tonight is a night to celebrate in Ohio.

Look for Ohio State to struggle one more time next week against Iowa,
but pull it out then flash brilliance all the way up until Michigan.
At this point, that game could go either way, but we shall see how it
all falls.

Secondly, this Sunday the biggest match-up is easily the Cincinnati
Bengals against the Pittsburgh Steelers. Being a Steelers fan
surrounded by Bengals fans, I’m going to break it down, tell you how to
bet, and share the hype that is coming on.

What the Steelers must do to win:

1. Bench “-1” Willie Parker

Maybe not literally, but he has to do something. A running joke
between my friends and I is that Willie Parker’s number should be –1
because that is the amount of yardage he gets per play. –1, 2, 1, 0,
-1, 80 just doesn’t cut it for rushes. Willie Parker fools you into
thinking he is good. Guess what? 26 yards vs. Jacksonville won’t cut
it. The Bengals are weak, and the Steelers O-line and RB NEED to go
for the jugular.

2. Destroy the human part of cyborg Roethlisberger

Ben needs to just be healthy, flat out. No 104 temperature, no one tap
to his stomach and he will explode, no 5 seconds away from becoming
Nicholas Cage in Ghost Rider, none of that. Look people, the Bengals
defense blows when they don’t get turnovers. They are all druggies and
violent individuals. They can be torn apart. If Big Ben sucks, he
might just cry in a corner when this is over.

3. Bring Kimo back

If we can coax the helmet loving Jet back onto the Steelers for a game,
we MAY be able to stop the offense. Hopefully this time it will be
Chad Johnson’s girly mohawk that has the cancer and we’ll give him the
Kimo! Oh wait, Kimo is gone…

What the Bengals must do to win:

1. Not get arrested, suspended, or hurt

If your starting MLB is on the roids, your OLB broke his neck, and your
S and starting OG are out, you best not have any more injuries. Your
run defense already blows chunks, don’t lose more guys. To counteract
this, see the Steelers list, #3.

2. Blond Mohawk > Black Dreads

In other words, Chad Johnson needs to outplay Ike Taylor. Contrary to
his little chart, he didn’t do that last year and got shut down in the
two games in Cinci. Taylor didn’t play too hot last week, and though
he is one of the most underrated corners in the game, CJ needs to beat
him down to win. Remember, in all three games last year Chad Johnson
never went over 100 yards and never had a TD against the Steelers.

3. Bengals fans need to stop saying “Who Dey?”

Seriously, your team has sucked for the last 20 years, you don’t get
the honor of having annoying sayings until you are good for like 10

My prediction? I think the Steelers win by a point. Close battle,
lots of scoring (bet the over). If I had to put money down, I’d def.
take Cinci +2. In a close battle like this, the points are a must.
This WILL be the best game of the week, even if no one with cancer is
given the Kimo.

On The Hash... Marks (Special "Michigan is Better than Catholicism" Edition!!!!11!!~!)

Hail! to the victors valiant
Hail! to the conqu'ring heroes
Hail! Hail! to Michigan
the leaders and best
Hail! to the victors valiant
Hail! to the conqu'ring heroes
Hail! Hail! to Michigan,
the champions of the West!

1. Ohio St.
2. Auburn
3. USC (+1)
4. Florida (+2)
5. Michigan (+10... fuck yeah)
6. West Virginia (+1)
7. Iowa (+1)
8. Louisville (+4)
9. LSU (-4)
10. Texas (-1)
11. Georgia (-1)
12. Oregon (+8)
13. Notre Dame (-10... fuck yeah)
14. Arizona St. (+3)
15. TCU (+3)
16. Virginia Tech (+6)
17. Oklahoma (-6)
18. Boston College (+5)
19. Tennessee (-3)
20. Clemson (NR)
21. Alabama (+3)
22. Boise St. (+3)
23. Michigan St. (NR)
24. Nebraska (-3)
25. FSU (-12)

#1 & #2 the only thing that stays the same from last week.

Michigan up 10, Notre Dame down 10... Fuck yeah.

Louisville makes its way into the top 10, well done fellas.

BC, Va Tech, Oregon move waaaay up, Oklahoma, and FSU move waay down.

Everyone welcome Michigan St. to the top 25, and welcome back Clemson.

Heisman Race:
1. Troy Smith QB tOSU
177.4QBRat 769yds 7TDs 0INTs
Prediction: vs. PSU 14-20 220yds 3TDs

2. Adrian Peterson RB Ok
90rush 515yds 537ypc 4TDs
3rec 75yds 1TD
Prediction: vs Mid-Tenn 20rush 200yds 2TDs

3. John David Booty QB USC
158.2QBRat 518yds 6TDs 0INTs
Prediction: @ 'Zona 26-39 285yds 2TDs

4. Chris Leak QB UF
177.5QBRat 799yds 10TDs 3INTs
Prediction: vs. UK 15-28 285yds 4TDs

5. Steve Slaton RB WVU
62rush 503yds 8.1ypc 6TDs
Prediction: @ ECU 25rush 175yds 2TDs

Honorable Mention: Jonathan Stewart, Calvin Johnson, Ian Johnson, Mario Manningham, Brady Quinn (Mwahahahah....)

Last Week: 12-4-1
Overall: 41-18-1

Wisconsin +13.5 Michigan
To start, let me just say how happy I am about last week's win. I gave us very little chance but we came out, go the early turnover and never looked back. Can we switch Mario Manningham's number to #1 in the middle of the season? Please? As for this week, I think a two TD victory is a bit much considering the letdown possibilities coming off a win like the ND one. I'm guessing it'll be a low scoring, old school Big Ten game.

Mich 17 Wisc 10

Nebraska -23.5 Troy
Troy kept it close with FSU earlier this year, and made me look stupid, but looking stupid is something I thrive on.

Neb 29 Troy 3

Louisville -14 Kansas St.
Either Vegas is taking into account the letdown game, or they're just looking at K-State's 3-0 record and figuring, "Hey, they must be decent." Long gone are the days of Ell Roberson and Darren Sproles, and the days of being competitive with top 10 teams. Of course, if they cover, this is all null... and possibly a little void as well.

Louis 31 KSt. 10

Georgia -27 Colorado
My god has Dan Hawkin's offense been terrible. Worse than any pop culture reference I'm about to make. Worse than the fact our species as regressed to the point where a Jackass TWO needed to be made (told you so). Matt Stafford's still in the learning process, but UGA's stoud defense, and triple threat rushing attack is enough to cover.

UGA 28 CU 0

Iowa St. +25 Texas
I'm just so in love with ISU's triplets of Bret Meyer, Todd Blythe, and Stevie Hicks (who, let's hope never makes the NFL so we won't have to deal with Berman's Fleetwood Mac references. We should just kill "Da Shwam.") that I can't bet against them. It's a terrible thing I've developed. How could this happen to me? Me, a meer boy on The Edge of Seventeen (Mwahahaha!)

Tx 38 ISU 24

Ohio St. -16.5 Penn St.
The Buckeyes already got retribution on Texas for last years loss, and their revenge tour continues this week with a win over Joe Pa anf the fam. Tamba Hali dominated tOSU in last years game, but he isn't there any more. Neither is Michael Robinson and his ability to make 4-5 plays a game running the ball. Morelli is good, but he's not ready to beat tOSU.

tOSU 30 PSU 12

Now onto everyone's favorite part of the column, shit games I don't really feel like writing about. HELLZ YEAH! Virginia tech-26.5 Cincy, Auburn -42 Buffalo, FSU -30.5 Rice, Oklahoma -28.5 Mid-Tennessee, LSU -36 Tulane. No top 25 games without a line this week... but there probably should be.

Arizona St. +8 California
ASU is, of course, another one my my "teams I enjoy for no apparent reason." I don't see this game being decided by more than a touchdown, and on top of that I see ASU winning. They have the best pass rush in the nation going up against and O-line that lost 2 All-American calibur players. The Sun Devils' also have an offense capable of competing with anyone in the nation. Their 3 week stretch of @ Cal, vs. Oregon, and @ USC will decide how good they are.

ASU 34 Cal 31

Clemson -16.5 North Carolina
My erection for the Clemson Tigers will not subside so long as that kick ass defense, and running game are still their. The offense hasn't missed a beat with Will Proctor taking over, which is a shame if you're a Tar Heel fan. That Joe Dailey is a bit overrated. So much so he was benched in favor of redshirt freshman Cam Sexton, who I can only assume is related who Wyatt, as Cam was recruited by FSU. Not sure which name I like better. Both have a great porno cheesiness about them, however Wyatt's bizarre "I am the son of god" trip, followed by his subsequent missing of the season for "lyme disease" reeks of concipiracy, and therefor makes Wyatt and infinitely more entertaining figure. However, there's still time for young Cam to claim to be a deity, and catch an obscure disease. But now I'm just getting off topic...

Clem 36 UNC 13

Tennessee -22 Marshall
As much as I hate pick Phil Fullmer to win anything, I went with Marshall to keep a game close earlier this year and got burned. The only herd thundering this weekend will Wikkid's thighs rubbing together as he searches up and down Wal-Mart for a malnourished baby to steal.

Ten 27 Marsha (tee hee!) 3

West Virginia -21 East Carolina
I hear Jeff Blake has one game of eligibility left, and will be coming back to start this game. That's just me kidding around of course, but I'm sure ECU will come out playing hard to get the upsetat home. Of course they won't, as they are much less talented, but it'll be fun to watch. The same way watching a roach struggle for survival in the toilet is fun to watch.

WVU 43 ECU 20

Florida -26.5 Kentucky
I'm liking this UF team more and more each week. The 4th quarter rally in Tennessee is a win that teams who have great seasons look back at and say, "From that point on, we knew we weren't going to lose." Of course I'm just assuming they say that, as I've never been apart of a team that's ever won anything.

UF 47 UK (or are they "KU?") 17

Boise St. -14.5 Hawaii
Ian Johnson has brought back the coolness that is the successful white running back. Everyone, send your card and fruit baskets to thank him.

BSt. 33 Hawaii 17

Iowa -21 Illinois
Only chance I've gotten to see Illinois this season they were blown away by Rutgers. Their offense looked less lively than... *contemplating which dead person I should make fun of*... Their offense looked less lively than... Shit, how can I turn this into a joke about how I don't think Dane Cook's funny? Whatever, just insert the Steve Irwin joke you all were sure I was going to make. As for Iowa, they're still my pick to with the Big 10. Even with how well Ohio St. & Michigan have been playing, I'll stick with the Hawkeyes as long as Drew Tate stays healthy.

Iowa 34 Ill (that doesn't look right... Iowa 34 the 3rd? Is their any blog that makes less of an attempt to look professional than this one? Oh yeah, the score...) 7

Boston College -7 NC State
Of course last season I decided to never take the road team in an ACC game when they're favored by more than a field goal, but I've been way to successful thus far, and that's going to need to stop.

BC 16 NC St. 7

Upset Special (2-1): Arizona +22 USC
If there were ever a "trap game" this is it. Mike Stoops' bunch should play like this is their national title game. Admitted I don't know much about this Arizona team without Mike Bell, but I'm trusting in the Stoops name to hold USC within 20 points.

USC 31 'Zona 20

**~**$Creek's 5-Star, No Doubt, Money-Making *dramatic music, extreme closeup* LOCK OF THE WEEK**~** (2-1): Notre Dame -3 Michigan St.
The subject of revenge has seem to come up a bit in today's column. Michigan St. pulled of the mega-upset last year in this game, which started a wave of flag planting by away teams the likes of which we've never before seen. Jesus and the Fat Man pull out the win, and probably in convincing fashion. Which is my favorite kind of fashion. Screw you, bohemian chic.

ND 27 MSt 10

Friday, September 22, 2006


It here!!!!! The week 3 jitters. Sure, you managed to grab LJ @ the 2 spot, or Steve Smith managed to fall to you in the 2nd round. T J Hoseyourmama was your steal in the 4th.... Shut the fuck up & manage yer team. Fall prey to the early season sweats, & pull off that knee jerk trade, cause yer sweatin being 0-2.

If this was real life, you would be homeless by now. Jesus, the world wont end, if your &100.00 team doesn't make the playoffs. Your wife wont sleep with the garbage man( she already is). Your dog will love you, even after you beat it & make it lick peanut butter off your nuts, you depraved, slack jawed, drooling, spastic gnomes.
Manage your teams, like a professional. So what, this season is a bust, dont cave yet. Plenty of fantasy teams have started the season 0-2 & managed to win the Superbowl in their leagues.

I started the season 0-3-1, 2 years ago, and won the superbowl in my $500.00/team league. Its like Magic Mushrooms, its all about peaking at the right time

If you start making panic trades now, you might as well move to Hollywood and Vine, & become a cheep male prostitute now. There is still alot of season to go, & stupid panic moves will only doom you now. Suck it up, push out your chest & be proud of your 0-2 status... Come week 6 & your 2-4, then you can make stupid moves, but ONLY if you get picks for next year. DO NOT help out a team this year, if you get no juice for NEXT YEAR!!!!!

LJ had 2 off weeks w/ no TDs & has a bye. Someone offered me Tom Brady for LJ straight up!!, He was looking for the panic that most feel. I didnt give in, nor should you.

Remember, Panic is only for girls who dont swallow, & fags ( not that there's anything wrong with that, ya homo) who go bare back.

Thursday, September 21, 2006

Degenerate Gamblers V 2.0 week 3

Its early in the week, but I have to get this done, as I am going into the Black Hole. America still has little pockets of blackness, where cell phones and internet are NOT an option, and Fort McCready in South Carolina is one of them.

But, the B-B-Q is king down there, so its all good. I am home from the war & am about to embark on my de-mobilization process, which will be painful for me, as it it way too time consuming for an ADHD person.

Congrats to all of you boot lickers, who were smart enough to jump on my back, and ride the crest of the wave to a $800.00 winfall last week. Going 3-0 against the numbers is no small task, but it became increasingly easier, with the early lines, so I will take my 5-1 season record, and the $970.00 profit from that record to battle the man yet again this week, again going with the early lines, as the opening paragraph 'splains it Lucy.

The Pick$$$$$$

Rex Grossman seems to have not read the memo stating that he SUCKS, & Brad Johnson didn't get his informing him that he's old. Chicago is spotting 3 to a Minnesota team, that has been suprisingly sound. Travis Taylor has been dropping balls, but it hasn't hurt them.....YET. It will this week, as Chicagos D lays the smack down on the Geritol Kid. Chi-3 is a $330.00 play.

Charlie Frye, is a nice scrambling option to have for Romeo Crennell, But the Baltimore D, though OLD is still better than the O of Cleveland. While I search for bad numbers, to play my hard earned cash with, Batl - 6.5 is about where I would put it. Balt -6.5 is a $220.00 play here.

Monday Night Madness brings the Hairy Mole (Drew Brees) to the National stage, and gives everybody a chance to watch the hype that is Reggie Bush, play against the big boys. But the Atlanta VD backfield (Vick-Dunn) will be too much for Nawlins to cope with. Atl-3 will be a $330.00 play.

That it for this week, you morons, psychopaths, and mental defectives.


Window Lickers Week Three

Wikkid (22-10)
Prof (21-11)
Gbin (21-11)
Jimed (20-12)
Archer (20-12)
Ahelms (19-13)
Creek (19-13)






Simms City v3.0 gets a W finally
Carolina 16 at Tampa Bay 17

Do not feed the Bears... or they will never hibernate this Winter
Chicago 24 at Minnesota 17

You Wouldn't Play Football Without a Helmet Would You?
Cincinnati 30 at Pittsburgh 23

Here's The Pecking Order... Lions 1-2 - Pack 0-3
Green Bay 10 at Detroit 17

One Last Dance with Reggie Wayne, One More Time To Kill The Pain
Jacksonville 16 at Indianapolis 35

The Flying Mangini Triplets Strike Again
N.Y. Jets 28 at Buffalo 20

Culpepper Sr. schools Culpepper Jr.
Tennessee 14 at Miami 17

....As If Anyone Cares
Washington 14 at Houston 13

Ray Lewis loves his new Frye-O-Lator
Baltimore 23 at Cleveland 7

Deion's Repatriation to Seahawk Country
N.Y. Giants 24 at Seattle 28

Donte Meets Haight/Ashbury = Disco Inferno
Philadelphia 20 at San Francisco 17

The Revenge of the Grocery Boy
St. Louis 12 at Arizona 23

And The Lord Said.... Gabriel Blow Yer Horn
Denver 14 at New England 27

Welcome Back Home CinderFellas, Wear the L proudly
Atlanta 32 at New Orleans 16



Professor Ellis D Trails Week 3 Syllabus

The first bye week of the season is upon us. Kansas City gets to think about its abysmal beginning. Herm Edwards seems to have as much clue as Trent Green does right now. San Diego is flying high and probably would like to continue to play. The Rivers runs through it, if by it you mean the AFC West. Dallas gets a week to heal and The Tuna gets fitted for a “Bro” or “Manzierre.” Oakland is off this week although you might not even notice. Al Davis and Art Shell take the week to enjoy a marionette show together. Al learned some new tricks and Art added some new strings.

Sunday, September 24, 2006

Both Teams are reeling after the completely unexpected 0-2 starts. The Loser has a much harder chance to get to the playoffs and it is only September. Carolina couldn’t get passed Minnesota and Tampa couldn’t get past Vick, who they usually dominate. It makes you wonder, have the aging Buccs defensive stars hit a wall.

Jake Delhomme – Once again, his status is completely hinging upon the availability of Steve Smith.
DeShaun Foster – Fading, Fading, Fading, Fading, Fading, Fading, Fading, Fading.
DeAngelo Williams - He was better back last week and will be again this week. He will continue to share carries, FOR NOW.

Chris Simms – Call me crazy, but this is the week he starts to get respect. He played fairly well, not great, but ok last week and actually had time to throw the ball.
Caddy – Sophomore Slump is what you will start to hear about now. Carolina is missing some defensive players and is getting smashed on the run like the Bills were last year. He will go off and silence the naysayers for another week.

Another battle of two 0-2 squads, except that Washington is heads above Houston. The skins look pitiful on offense without Portis, so much so that Bill Parcells threw up after the game Sunday night. Houston, so far, looks better than last season. However, they still suck. Watch out for one of those sneaky games that a bad team can win at home, but I really don’t see Gibbs letting that happening.

Mark Brunell – If he loses this game, he can start to fear for his job. Houston has already given up 6 passing TD’s and only has registered 3 sacks.
Clinton Portis - Houston has given up almost 130 yards per game rushing early in the season.
The Three Blind Mice - See how they run.

David Carr - Not a good play this week or any week.
Andre Johnson - He has really benefited from having Moulds out there and from the perpetual losing score to bolster stats.

We have yet another battle of two ham-fisted 0-2 teams. Tennessee brings its sham of an offense into Miami where the addition of Daunte Culpepper has only seemed to aid in the regression of the Dolphins from last season. Collins had a 1.3 passer rating and is still the starter, not for long. Miami is one 0-2 team that is going up and will get a win this week with ease.

Drew Bennett - Get used to seeing Drew’s numbers inflate in the fourth quarter.

Daunte Culpepper - He had pretty good numbers and if you turn that red zone Int into a TD, he is a nice play. He should destroy the titans this week
Ronnie Brown - Yet another big o-lineman goes out indefinitely. He is still a strong play against the hapless titans.
Chris Chambers - Seen plotting a takeout move on Wes Welker.
Randy McMichael - All the talent, none of the receptions.

The Jets showed some heuvos in a comeback attempt against divisional rival Patriots last week, but fell short. Cotchery looked like a rubber band man on his touchdown catch and run. Buffalo could be 2-0 right now. Two teams projected to be around the cellar are playing above their respective heads right now and the loser of this one starts its nosedive.

Chad Pennington – He looks like the old Penny, accurate and decisive. If he keeps this up, comeback player is his.
Cedric Houston - He has been deactivated in both games this season. Blaylock and Barlow have hardly played well enough to secure the job and this week is Houston’s chance.
Coles - My sleeper of the year at WR is the leading receiver in the league thus far.

J.P. Losmen - I actually picked him up in one league, I can’t believe I did that. I still say he sucks.
Lee Evans - Based on the preseason, I thought he was going to be the man. Guess I was wrong.

Jacksonville has come out of the gate on fire ever since that first quarter against Dallas. That defense helps. Indianapolis hasn’t shown any signs of missing edge yet and I was right about Addai last week.

Byron Leftwich – He still has that crazy delivery and as soon as he is crowded in the pocket, he will suffer. Indy needs their defensive players to play and Freeney doesn’t look the same with that injury.
Fred Taylor - He is playing hard and focused. I like Fred a lot this week.
Matt Jones - Giant with speed. Any team would love to have a guy like this.

Peyton Manning - If he struggles any week, it will be this one.
Joe Addai - If the Colts are going to be successful, he will need to have a good game.
Marvin Harrison - Good Ole Marvin will get into the endzone this week.

Alright we should just change week three to the week of 0-2 matchups. One week it’s the offense and the next week it’s the defense. Brett usually plays like hell in Detroit, but also usually wins. Detroit opened the season with a promising game and then folded last week against Chi-town. Will the real Lions please stand up.

Brett Favre - Brett usually struggles in Domes, I know, but this week’s game will be a shootout and Brett will be up to the task.
Donald Driver - Having a great year, now needs to find the endzone. He could be in for a huge week.
Greg Jennings - He is gaining Favre’s confidence more and more each week.

John Kitna - Martz’s offense is perfect to go against a defense that is as bad as Green Bay’s. Like I said for Favre, shootout alert.
Kevin Jones - Faced two strong defenses to kick off the season and performed badly. Can he perform well against the Packer? I doubt it.
Roy Williams - How come he won’t guarantee a victory against the Packers. Probably because Marinelli will knock his ass out if he does.

The fireworks that are the Bengal offense started one week later than expected, but thrilled nonetheless. I know Pitt is better than Cleveland, but Carson torched them last year too. Pitt comes off a short week to face a defense that is playing well together. Anything other than Jacksonville should feel a ton easier.

Carson Palmer - A woozy CJ, and an injured Housh, no problem. Kelley Washington and Chris Henry do just fine.
Rudi Johnson - He will gain some tough yards this week, but nothing spectacular.
CJ - He’ll be dancin’ this weekend, count on it.

Big Ben - They say the fever had something to do with his performance last week. Well, he cost me a game in fantasy by completely ignoring Heath Miller all game. He will be much better this week with a game under his belt.
FWP - He’ll have more room to run that he did on Monday, but not that much more. Good news for Parker owners is that he doesn’t need much more.
Hines Ward - He was obviously frustrated with the Game on Monday and looks to rebound this week. He’ll get his first hundred yard game of the season.

Rex Grossman has played Green Bay and Detroit, granted he did well, you should show caution before naming him Peyton Manning Jr. Minnesota has won a couple of scrums and Chester Taylor has proven his worth against two formidable defenses, this week however he faces the best, expect a lot of touches, but not a lot of yards.

Rex Grossman - This game is not going to be stat lovers game to say the least.
Thomas Jones - The loss of Erasmus doesn’t really affect the run defense that much and TJ should do alright this week, 75 and a score in the dome.
Desmond Clark - He gets half the looks from Grossman and Minny is notorious in recent history for yielding scores to TE’s.

Brad Johnson - He has not looked great and he is not a fantasy player by any stretch of the imagination, but he keeps winning.
Chester Taylor - Similar to TJ, with a few less yards and few more looks and receptions.
Troy Williamson - My nickname of the human colander lit a fire under him and he did well last week. He won’t see many balls this week.

People who said Ray Lewis and Ravens defense were on the downward spiral were obviously licking some of my hallucinogenic amphibians. Winslow has been healthy for a grand total of 2 games and is already spouting about how the offense is being held back. Browns Ravens games of recent era were always dominated by Jamal Lewis and the Ravens defense. That should continue here.

Steve McNair – He is a great on field coach and leader and has shown me that he isn’t out there to make the throws all the time, just when called upon. He lets the running game take charge and the defense cleans the rest up. He’ll be marginal the rest of the way, with a couple of big games.
Jamal Lewis - After running wild on Cleveland in his 2000 year for 500 yards in two games, he was kept at bay last year. This was because of injuries and Chester Talyor. Niether of which are there this season. I see a big game for Jamal this week.
Heap and Mason - As long as McNair is not needed to put up big numbers, he won’t. With that, the receivers numbers take a dip.

Charlie Frye - You better run for life Charlie, Ray Lew has his eyes on you and you look like Meat. Meat is murder and murder is delicious.
Reuben Droughns – Baltimore has given up a total of 65 yards rushing this year on two games.
Kellen Winslow - I am going to love to watch the matchup between this guy and the LB’s and S’s of Baltimore

St Louis is having some trouble adjusting to the new offense and it just seems like Bulger is a bit tentative on some plays. He needs to let loose and gun it to his weapons. Arizona beats SF, SF beats St Louis, so Arizona should be St Louis right? Wrong.

Marc Bulger – He looks good for one or two drives and the rest of the time he seems to labor with the new offense. Arizona is a place that is boom or bust for Marc as well. These are usually close games as well.
S-Jax - He will continue his tear on the NFC.
Holt - Big game has another Big Game.

Kurt Warner - Ok, this is the game where he gets hurt.
Edge - St Louis looked mediocre against the run against Denver and pretty good against San Fran. Arizona’s o-line will make them look like the Chargers. Edge might not get a hundred yard game all year.
Dynamic Duo in the Desert - At one point, I thought that Edge would hurt their numbers, but the o-line took care of that.

Philly up and punched me in the gut last week. San Fran showed that they can still beat the Rams. The Eagles will annihilate in this game.

Donavon McNabb - 350 and 3 TD’s to keep up with what JoJo the monkey boy will be giving up on defense.
Westbrook - He will get his first hundred yards rushing game this week.
Stallworth - He had a big drop in a drive late in the Giants game that could have iced it, but I’ll forgive him for now. He is the #1 WR in Philly without question.

Alex Smith - His only option is to take advantage of JoJo the Monkey boy at corner. That is not a bad option to have.
Frank Gore - His receiving skills make him a threat out of the backfield, but the Eagles defense is tough.
Antonio Bryant - See Alex Smith.

Eli looked terrible for about three quarters and then was given the gift of JoJo the monkey boy to save the day. I don’t care what anyone says, he was throwing off his back foot and completing lucky passes. Dawkins intercepts a ball that was never challenged and they get a gift forward fumble TD, that should have been Michael Lewis’. Seattle can’t get SA going and losing Porkchop won’t help that cause. Umenyiora is licking his chops now. They are 2-0, but a shaky 2-0.

Eli Manning - He can’t be lucky like that 2 weeks in a row. Shockey will be limited, so that hurts him too.
Tiki - He didn’t run for very much against the Eagles, but his ability to catch the ball keeps his value high.

Matt Hasselback - The Hawks are going to once again try to establish a ground game, but may need to rely on the air in order to sustain some drives.
SA - He had a better week against Arizona, but he needs to start scoring. No record this year.
D-Jax - He showed last week that the injury is not affecting him and against this sub par secondary, he will show it again.
Deion Branch - He will make his debut and have a minor game getting into the swing of things, look for him to play on third downs to get comfortable.

Sunday Night Game

Jake is playing like the snake we all remember. Denver is 0-2 and for me is the most surprising of the defeated teams. Things continue to be bad for Denver this week. At this rate, San Diego might wrap up the division by mid-season. New England is 2-0, but could easily be 0-2, they are really grasping onto ways that brought them so much prosperity and it is working. This is the first real test for this team this year and will go along way in exposing the true Patriots.

Jake Plummer - Is it because of Cutler that Jake is playing this way. I don’t know, but he better turn it around or else he’ll be behind Cutler on the depth chart.
For whom the Bell tolls - I give up with this situation. Flip a coin.
Javon Walker - He shined when Smith got his bell rung last week. NE also gave up big games to two WR’s on the Jets. Start him with confidence.

Tom Brady - If you want 13-15 points every week, then plug him in.
Laurence Maroney - There are some rumors floating around Boston that Dillon hurt his shoulder. Corey looked fine on Monday and says that people get banged up on Sunday, it comes with the territory. Well if Dillon’s load were to be lightened significantly, Maroney would be a top tier back instantly.
Ben Watson - So much for the Watson/Gates comparisons. He has been invisible around the goal this year and fantasy owners are wondering why.

Monday, September 25, 2006

Michael Vick and crew have been running all over their opponents thus far in the early season and look to be unstoppable in that regard. At one point, he is going to have to throw to win and he just can’t do that. The Saints have been playing inspired, oh wait, no they haven’t, they have played the Browns and the Packers. This one will be special though as it is the first game to be played at the Superdome since the disaster known as Katrina. The fans will be pumped and it will be loud. Can New Orleans go to 3-0 and take an early lead on the division?

Michael Vick - He can throw a rock in the ocean from 10 feet away, but as long as he has those legs he will get fantasy points.
Warrick Dunn - Who is more happier to see Duckett gone, Norwood or Dunn, I say the leading rusher in the league is.

Drew Brees - The 10 million fraud continues another week.
Deuce McCallister - Atlanta’s run defense is playing very well, but this game is going to be emotional and that is an intangible that you just cannot predict.
Reggie Bush - He has made some nice moves in kick returns and runs, but doesn’t really look very special to me. I think he averages like a little of 3 yards per carry.
Marques Colston - He scored again last week and has my vote for rookie of the year so far

Top 10 QB’s for Week 3
1. Donavon McNabb
2. Peyton Manning
3. Marc Bulger
4. Kurt Warner
5. Michael Vick
6. Daunte Culpepper
7. Matt Hasselback
8. Brett Favre
9. Carson Palmer
10. John Kitna

Top 10 RB’s for Week 3
1. Brian Westbrook
2. Warrick Dunn
3. Tiki Barber
4. Chester Taylor
5. Frank Gore
6. Clinton Portis
7. Shaun Alexander
8. Ronnie Brown
9. Steven Jackson
10. Ahman Green

Top 10 WR’s for Week 3
1. Larry Fitzgerald
2. Torry Holt
3. Marvin Harrison
4. Anquan Boldin
5. Donald Driver
6. Roy Williams
7. Chad Johnson
8. Chris Chambers
9. Reggie Wayne
10. Donte Stallworth

Bust of the Week
Edgerrin James - He couldn’t rush for a hundred yards against San Fran, he certainly won’t be able to against St Louis. The thing is Arizona’s offense is pass happy and gets into a passing game only by the fourth quarter. This is going to be a long year for Edge.

This season has seen its share of surprises already, but know that things will calm down. It is still too early to declare booms or busts, so be patient and as always go with your gut and don't look back.

...................Professor Ellis D Trails

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Archer's Bulls-Eye week #2

Separation Weekend... no... it has nothing to do with married people getting a 48 hour free pass; dream on sucker!

...did I mention that I don't like Charles Kuralt? Not to mention that I really don't have much time to write Saturday PM for a Sunday AM deadline.

This Saturday was spent preparing for and enjoying the "Going Away" party of my current hostess who will be leaving for Mexico this week and spending at least six months down there. I'm not just mentioning this as an excuse for not posting something for Sunday AM, but because it is congruent with this weeks theme also in the Fantasy Football world.... "Separation Anxiety!" Is it a coincidence that eleven of this weeks games were between close family members (aka division rivals)? I think not! Week Two is the beginning of the take over of "NFL Reality '06 vs. Fantasy Draft '06" and in the process of that take over, there are some cherished players being benched or going back into free agency... some too soon, others maybe not soon enough.

Let's examine this weeks results:

Where The Buffalo Roam or Habitat for Humanity
In preparation for this week’s showdown against JP Losman & Co., the Dolphins defense spent all week volunteering their time at a Habitat for Humanity home watching paint dry. Apparently that put them in a stupor they never recovered from before Sunday's match up. Miami head coach Nick Saban spent his extra time this week watching re-runs of Lone Ranger and Quick Draw McGraw cartoons and turned his brain to mush.

Culpepper must have been seeing a big black hole in his visions of the Bills secondary all week during practice. Too bad he didn't have time to take advantage of that gaping hole left by Vincent, because Denney and the front line of the Bills D were in Daunte's face all afternoon. Miami's first 15 passing plays resulted in 5 sacks, which translates to:

Culpepper = Rome
Bills D = Goths & Vandals.

Daunte has yet to show any signs of being the sleeper QB pick of '06 that many fantasy owners were hoping he would be. Hang tight folks!

Clawless Cats Subdued by Trickeration
The new emetic treatment for all fantasy football owners this week is Colbert & Drew, the fill-in WR’s while Smith still heals. If anyone sees a Carolina Panther equipment bag at the baggage carousel in Minneapolis today, please return it to Smith. It’s not the equipment that he’ll need any time soon, but the Hawaiian shirts and his little black book were in there, too. Smith's career is so up and down from year-to-year it needs a prescription to Depakote.

Smith's absence has hurt every other Panther fantasy player, including the defense. His return is desperately needed to salvage the year for Delhomme, Foster, maybe Williams, Kasay and even the Panther D. DeAngelo is the only Panther that has shown any signs of life or explosiveness so far this season, so without any further hesitation or Foster injury... say hello to the Panther committee. DeAngelo is in charge of procuring the entertainment for this year's party.

Longwell, who only has a few less cobwebs on his uniform than Brad Johnson, made a bid for the QB job Sunday in his 4th Quarter toss to Richard Owens. Longwell also had his grubby little hands (or feet, more precisely) involved in every single point-making opportunity the Vikes had. His Irish luck is all used up for at least a few weeks.

On the other side, Chris Gamble is on suicide watch tonight. You would think with a last name like Gamble, he'd have better luck pulling off a trick play.

Ugly Girl #2 - Bengals officially like Fatty's
The Bengals defense looked like a prom queen again today, and Charlie Frye was the corsage. Droughns was slated to get more carries this week and he did; instead of 11-27 he got 14-32, big whup! The touchdown this week helped, but so far the only way Reuben will get anywhere close to 1,000 is if he turns himself into a sandwich.

On the downside of the Bengals victory, they had almost as many MRI's performed at University of Cincinnati's Medical Center as they had points on the scoreboard. Even Chad "I gotta do the Chicken Dance" Johnson "But it hurts..." was a little loopy at the end of the game when he got his slobberer knocked hard enough to send his helmet flyin'.

Chris Henry was the only Bengals O-skill-player that didn't get too banged up, but my sources tell me he was packing a Ruger 9mm which kept the Brownies D at bay in his neck of the woods. The Bengals dance card looks ugly for the next six weeks, which means we will finally see what this team is really made of this year... the powderpuff games are over.

Don't Stand Too Close to a Naked Coach
Mark Bradley is finally ready to play and show the world what a world class receiver he can be… only problem is that the Bears have no room for him in the line up. Seriously! Both Bernard Berrian (3rd yr) and Desmond Clark had 80+ yards and a score, Mushy had 1 yard shy of 60. Little Johnny Gilmore had all of one touchdown catch in 4 years of NFL experience until Sunday when he caught 2 passes, both for scores, tripling his career TD stats. So where does that leave Mr Bradley? Out in the cold so far.

The other funny thing about this lopsided win is that all of the Bears scoring came through the air.... not one TD on the ground. Rex Grossman's 20/27 effort for 289 yards and 4 scores (ZERO ints, too!) was a lifetime zenith just like last week. Before you put him on the fantasy radar as one of the top sleeper QBs of '06, consider the competetion he's faced first.

Is it just me or do the Lions just look "naked" defensively? Boss Bailey would like to chop off a pair of hands that shall remain nameless and everyone in the Lions locker room would like to duct tape Roy Williams mouth shut.... maybe that will help open up his hands to receive those Kitna passes better. How about guaranteeing more than 6-71 next week so you can sit on the bench.

I Got Your Number Babe
Peyton is 9-0 vs the Texans. Who's yer daddy, Houston? Six of the first seven Colt drives resulted in scores.

Transcript of a Fantasy addict watching the Colts:
#1 - Cool... Stokley scored, maybe he'll be a decent #3 WR again... ooops... damn, he re-hurt his ankle. One and done it looks like. Oh well.

#2 - Awesome... the rookie Addai has good hands, too. Now it's time for Marvelous Marvin and Reggie The Boy Robbin' to get some end zone love.

#3 - Thank you Adam
#4 - Ditto and that was a 43 yarder = 4 points

#5 - Who is Fletcher? hmmm some 2nd year TE out of UCLA. Interesting! Wonder if Utecht is out now.

#6 - Thanks again Adam... c'mon Peyton let's get it in the end zone here!

PUNT!! $%&*# Christ!

#8 - 4th Q (7:56 remaining) Fuck! A running TD! It's okay, Dominic needs some love, too. Surely someone played him on their starting roster this week since he was up against Houston.

#9 - Who the fuck is Ran Carthon goddammit!! Where is my fucking Harrison TD!! 400 yards and NO SIX for Marvin!! FUCK me!

Speaking of which, what's with all the groin injuries in the NFL over the past few years? Vinatieri didn't attempt the final XP due to a groin injury. Something tells me that Mr Gould is going to be picked up en masse this week.

Who's that Texan that can't find the seam.... It's Wali! Who's that Texan that fumbles inside the red zone..... It's Wali! Who's going to replace Dominick Davis and be one of Gary's Angels.... It's Samkon! Sorry Wali! Starting gigs are for Starkist Studs! From female perfume to tuna in a split second... only Wali's turn of fortune was quicker!

I don't want to get on the cart... I'm not dead yet... look! I feel fine!
Favre had a good effort against the Aints defense... with 55 passing attempts it would seem that the game plan this week was not as run heavy as last weeks. Bad news for Green owners....all 3 of them.

My impeccable inside sources tell me that Brees had 2 pounds of greasy finger lickin' crawfish and gulf shrimp dipped in lemon garlic butter FedEx'd up from N'Awlins for his pre-game feast. This would account for the three turnovers early in the game that helped spot the Pack 13-0. In days of old that would have nailed the coffin shut on any Saints Come Marching In victory hopes.

There is no excuse for letting the Saints leave Lambeau with a W. Favre isn't dead, but his team very well could be. The last time these two clubs met it was Favre 52 - Saints 3. My how times have changed!

Welcome to another edition of Miss Cleo's 'Dem Numbers Don' Be Lyin', Child'
--Eli had 31 of 43 passing Sunday, only missed 12... the same number as receptions for Amani Toomer. Whoa scary!

--Eli had 371 yards passing and Toomer had 137 receiving, same numbers just jumbled around. Another coincidence?

--Eli went to Mississippi and Toomer went to Michigan.... both start with M the 13th letter in the alphabet.

--Eli's completion percentage was 71% and Amani scored one TD for every 69 yds.
(okay those last two were a stretch!)

The Giants scored 17 points in the 4th quarter to tie the score just before the end of regulation... and after a few overtime drives failed... Burress caught the winning strike with 3:11 left on the clock.

Those scoreboard momentum swings are a bitch... every sports fan and player knows. The Eagles had the game won and Manning on the ropes all day. Two key missed opportunities; 1)Akers missed field goal in the 2nd quarter, 2) Brian Dawkins' possible interception in overtime that wasn't ruled as such and not challenged... which resulted in the Giants winning drive continuing. Eli had one taken away last week.... and a gift this week.

Nothing like getting robbed in your own house, eh Brian?!

Same Song Different Verse... A Little Bit Louder... A Little Bit Worse!
Two weeks in a row the Baltimore D has stiffled the opposing offense and made them look ridiculously inept. Also, for the 2nd week in a row the Raiders offense is... surprise... ridiculously inept. Brooks left the game early after getting injured unsuccessfully trying to recover his second fumble in just three series. As bad as Brooks has appeared the past couple of weeks, Andrew Walter showed why he wasn't winning the starting job any time soon by adding his own hilarious foibles and hijinx with another fumble and three interceptions. 2nd Year Clipboard QB vs Ravens D = Ruh-Roh.... Rorry Reorge!

Football 101: Keep the ball out of the opponents hands as long as possible and try to score as many points as possible in the process. Art Shell has played on enough teams that knew how to implement this simple strategy. But the question is whether or not he can coach a team that knows how to play this way. So far the answer is no.

Meanwhile, the fantasy careers of Randy Moss and LaMont Jordan are drying up faster than a 40 year old prostitute. Get used to the bench fellas until this mess of a OL is cleaned up and somebody with gonads takes the wheel.

The Ravens are nowhere near an offensive juggernaut, but the good news is that they don't have to be the way their defense is playing right now. McNair is smart enough to play cautiously and methodically... Billick-ball. Some say his way of running an offense is too chicken. Maybe so... but nothing goes better with chicken than Stovers!

How do you open up a Congested Bucs D? Vicks Vapor Trail Rub
Dunn was able to amass 134 yards by hitting the holes up the middle, and just when the Bucs D came inside to contain the damage Dunn was causing, Vick would take it outside for a huge gain. Michael ended up with 127 yards on the afternoon and a visit beyond the stripe, one of his careers better efforts.

Add another name to the no-name fantasy WTF vulture HOF, as 12 year vet from Mississippi State, Fred McCrary got the only Vick TD toss for the afternoon. The brilliant career of punter/place kicker Michael Koenen was dealt a serious blow as he failed to connect on FOUR! (count 'em!) field goal attempts from inside 40 yards. Matt Schaub, his holder, has just recently confided in me that he is related to Lucy of Peanuts fame.

Simms City v2.0 was not much better than the first version, but at least this time he could connect with some of his receivers. Enough to get over 300 yards passing. He still looks like a deer in headlights though and also has no support from the run. Unfortunately, a glaring glitch of this version was the inability to workaround
the DeAngelo Hall Bucs WR simulation.

How Do You Clean A Cardinals Clock?... Use A Big Lofa!
The debut of Deion Branch was postponed another week, which turned out just fine and DJax sends his appreciation. So far the Seattle offense has looked spotty, but the defense is outstanding. Warner saw the carpet five times and was hurried at least a dozen times, which kept him from getting into any kind of rhythm.

The Cards did have an opportunity to turn things around late, but Bergen the TE, was stripped of the ball 10 yards in to Seahawk territory with about 11:00 minutes remaining in the game. Lofa "I Eat Lotsa Moo Shu" Tatupu pounced on the ball at the 29 yard line, plucking the Cardinals feathers, thus thwarting any last minute heroics by Warner & Co.

Frank & Antonio.... The San Francisco Treat
Something tells me Marc Bulger is singing a Motown classic to himself these days... "Baby, Baby, Where Did Our Love Go? And Don't You Want Me, Don't You Want Me No More." The Greatest Show On Turf has gone North, pulled up its tent stakes and left Marc Bulger and the Rams offense flappin' in the wind. One TD in two games so far! Maybe it was a combination of factors, but it looks like the 49ers D can keep pressuring opposing QBs, they put Bulger on his backside six times. The perception of the Rams having a high-octane offense capable of scoring lots of points is a memory of the past.... not a current reality.

Bryant had 4 catches for 131 yards and one was a 72 yard safety burner less than 5 minutes into the second half that put the 9ers on top for good. Gore evened the score right out of the shoot in the first possession of the half. With a 1-2 punch like that, SF could be surprising a lot of folks this year.

Mile High Clubfoot
Let me just point out for those keeping score so far....
Draft pick #3 - LT = 100 TD's... or something ridiculous like that.
Draft pick #2 - SA = 1 TD.... finally
Draft pick #1 - LJ = Nada, Zippola, Zilch, Goose Egg, The Big Zero!

The Broncos offense scores negative in style points, but the W in division play sure looks good on the resume. Even though it only resulted in 3, Jake and Walker were able to connect when it counted. But as a long time Bronco fan, I can honestly say this offense looks totally off-kilter. The Defense is holding it all together so far.

Let's Play Master and Servant
The game belonged to the Drunken Monkey Master of Dink'N'Dunk in the first half and was beginning to look like a good ol' fashioned ass whippin' when Maroney dove the last yard of a mid-3rd Quarter drive that put the Pats up 24-0. But to the Servant's credit, the Jets fought back and had opportunity to even the score late. Pennington had two receivers eclipse the C-mark and both scored second half TD's that made it interesting near the end. With about a minute left Penny was forcing a pass to McCareins when Tedy Bruschi snagged the missile and put an end to the threat.

Total yards for the Jets was 337 and 51 were on the ground. Once Mangini steps out of the One-Dimensional Twilight Zone... AFC East won't just be the Pats Playoff Playground anymore.

Assault & Battery Chargers
We have yet to see this SD defense take on a formidable offensive opponent, but they are man-handling the 98 pound weaklings like a beach bully. The Titans offense only got into enemy territory twice all day. The busiest player for Tennessee was their punter Hentrich, who had to ice his throbbing kicking foot after the game.

Michael Turner is flying off Waiver Wires so fast the computer makes that little vibrating hum sound, and hopefully if you're a LT owner you're the one doing the grabbing... but if not, there's plenty of sneaky 'cuff stealers who will.

....and that would be me.

What goes Up Must Come Down - Newtonian Physics Meets Fantasy Football.
Portis out = Skins offense sucks donkey ass. Betts and Duckett are a serious downgrade from Clinton. Brunell was celebrating his 64th birthday and had only 36 yards passing by half time. Oops, that last sentence makes perfect sense for the dyslexic readers.

Lemar Marshall or Adam Archuleta helped TO break his finger early in the first quarter of the game, so he says... while diddling his twat, which must have pre-occupied his mind so bad it just made him forget all the basics of good football.

It's back to Bledsoe and Glenn for 2-4 weeks while TO's twat heals.

Scobee Scobee Doo Where Are You
I missed this game due to a kick ass Rory Block blues concert that I wasn't going to miss for anything... even MNF. For some reason I'm imagining Big Ben as Prometheus with an open wound and instead of Ravens eating his kidneys and adrenal glands.... a pack of hungry Jaguars feasted on his large intestines tonight. As well as Batch did in the opener... and as long as the Steelers had to prepare for game #2... which was like a month or something.... I don't understand the rush to get Ben back in the line-up. Let him heal. The Steelers lost tonight anyway, so there was no benefit to rush Batch back into sideline duties.

Even though they never scored, the Jags offense looked good on the stat sheet. Taylor nearly got 100 yards, and Williams/ Jones both had good nights. Isn't it funny how Wilford had all the pre-season hype while people hated on Reggie. As good as the Jags D is, the last time they won on MNF was in 2001. Tonight's 9-0 scoring snoozer is probably why the Jags don't get invited to prime time too often. It's like inviting Aunt Harriet to go see the Chippendales dancers... you know she's going to be a party killer by falling asleep or doing her needlework and getting offended. Why bother?

I like being here on Tuesday mornings at the end of the football week... so bring your donuts or bagels and cream cheese and a strong hot cup of java... see you here next week!

Sagitta Veritas!