Tuesday, August 29, 2006

'06 FFB Preview, part 2 - GANG OF FOUR duz dey thang

Here we come! The Four Horsesasses of the Apolcalypse. The only thing we have to fear is Four itself!! NEVER in the history of human events has there been font of fantasy football forecastation (in lieu of fornication) so full as this. When it comes to advice we have no problem declaring ourselves to be full of it. So, here – the Gang Of Four Font of FFB Fearsome Fullsomeness.

Each of us have illuminated our selections in separate ways, the better to serve your roster needs. We run the gamut from the laconic (some weakass excuse from Jimed about defending our freedoms & way of life) to the sardonic, with the ever-present portion of the moronic. I’ve broken down our work into caregories the best I could.




Jimed – Peyton, Palmer, Brady
Archer - Manning's (both), Palmer, Culpepper, Hasselbeck
Culpepper is going to thrive under Coach Saban, but the big question mark is can his O-line protect him enough to get the job done. With C-pep's rejuvenation, also expect Chambers and McMichael to have good years.
Manning, Brady, Palmer, McNabb
McNabb is back. Believe that. Palmer's looked fine health-wise thus far, and Peyton and Brady are still the best.
P-Man – With his new RBs failing to impress, i have no prob imagining him exceeding ’04 #s
C-Pep – The Miami offense was better than most with no QB whatsoever. With the Big Fella, it’s off the hook
D-Mac (MVP) – Don’t even like Stallworth, but the balance he gives the Eagles launches their pass offense from bottom 10 to top 5.


Archer– Bledsoe, Green, Bulger, Favre
Green, wearing red and white, will be black and blue and purple... almost completing the light spectrum single-handedly by mid-season. I fear the quick demise of Green's passing salad days as Roaf rides off into the sunset and Edwards takes the reins from Dr Dick, the pop psychologist. By years end we will see Hermie developing his golden boy.... and it won't be Trent.

Favre is on everyone's "caveat emptor" list, except maybe the ardent cheesehead faithful who still live in the storied mists of Lambeau Field Valhalla, wjere Vince Lombardi still echoes "...it's how you play the game" in their sacred sanctuary. Bret has played the game better than anyone in modern memory... but he doesn't have the support staff this year to make his final 16 a productive one. Maybe he can rally the troops a few times this season, but the emotional investment will be physically too demanding and it will show. It would help if Favre had someone healthy to hand the ball off to 25+ times a game.
Creek- QB- E. Manning, Leftwich, Favre, Warner
The way Eli finished last season scares me. Watching Favre is like watching Dane Cook do Lenny Bruce's material at this point. Leftwich I like, but he is streaky, and doesn't put up great numbers. Plus, Garrard is lurking. Warner's o-line can't protect him (although, it is tough when he holds the ball for 9 seconds). Leinart's will be starting around week 6-7
Eli – like him as little as his bro a lot
Bulger – How can u upgrade the Det offense for Martz & not downgrade St Loo?
Bledsoe – Cannot see TO being able to resist punching that “Who, me?” face of his at some point.


Arch – Kitna, Rivers
Kitna and Martz have stormed Motor City with Mike (Nike) Air. The heir apparent is McCown, which is also worth watching, even if as I imagine... he explodes on take off like the Hindenberg landing. Oh Jesus! The humanity!.... the humanity! Sorry... flashbacks. Kitna may fade as the season progresses in order to make way for next year's pilot. A cornucopia of WR talent that has slumbered through the many years of Rip Van Harrington await awakening. Interesting to see who hears the alarm clock first, Roy? Charles? Cory? Mike? Wake up boys, it's time to play some real ball and make some disappointed dynasty owners very happy.

Rivers in North Tijuana (the city otherwise known as San Diego) is my 3rd QB sleeper. While others get distracted by a few pass-happy outings by Volek last year (out of necessity, not out of talent or propensity)... my keen third eye will be watching Philip execute Shotty-ball.... which is geared toward strong-armed QB's with pocket poise and precision: Okay, Rivers may not be there yet this year, but if his college exploits at NC State were any indication, it's only a matter of time
Rivers, Kitna, Volek, Leinart
Rivers > Brees. Kitna could be Warner circa '99 minus 15 TD's & 1,500 yards. Volek is one of my favorites. Very talented guy. Leinart is reeeeaaady.
Penny – don’t know why...feelin
Roethlisberger – hard to call SB QB a sleeper, but he’ll outdo his ADP
Frye – he’s got the same cock-of-the-walk calm as Brady & a coach who’s witnessed that up close.

SNOOZERS (always undervalued, always perform) –

Jimed – Eli
Archer - Brooks, Brees, Brady, Delhomme
Creek - McNair, B. Johnson
McNair was an MVP just a few years ago. Ravens in the superbowl, anyone? Johnson's losing WR's, but he's still going to be solid. Nothing great, but solid
McNair – Creek said what I was gonna bout Air. No fair
Brooks – Could see more Moss than a north-facing tree.



Jimed – Big 3, who else?!
Archer – SA, LT, Tiki, Rudi, Caddy
Put Tiki Tiki Tiki on the label label label.... if you weren't a kid in the 70's or watch too much VH1 you have no idea what I just referenced. Instead of Tiki it was Libby's, a canned fruit company that promoted their brand on the label as a sign of freshness and premium quality canned fruits. Tiki is the Giants brand of freshness. As long as Tiki can get 100+ rushing and 30+ catching/game that will lead to success up top for Eli & Co. Just don't go mentioning anything about Jacobs and jinxing my vulture voodoo. The Giants look to be the team to beat in the NFC Sleazy... I mean Easy.... I mean East!!
RB- L. Johnson, Tomlinson, Alexander, Tiki
I really think L.J. will have a great year. I have a nagging feeling Tomlinson's due for an injury. No one's THAT durable. Tiki has quietly become the 2nd best RB in football
LT2 – worried about the dinged-up losses of time, but the only true force of nature in football.
Edge – see Fanball. I’ve posted on this guy more than all others combined.


Jimed – McGayheyhey
Arch – Edge, Jordan, Deuce, Droughns
Reuben is a great name for a sandwich, but not a fearless feature back in the NFL. The Browns are in a major transitional period as year #2 under Crenell starts, and my attention where vast improvements are expected IS on the defense.... NOT the offense. Edwards is healing miraculously fast from ACL surgery according to reports... but I see the passing game developing slowly regardless. This will put much more pressure on Droughns than he will be able to handle. He won't be worth the #3 round pick you burned for him.

Edge - that's right I said it! Whether it's Warner or Leinart or whoever at QB, that offensive line is still not as good as the one in Indy where Edge had a good life. As long as he gets 60+ yards an outing and a view from the other side of the stripe once every other week.... that will be a marked improvement for the Cardinals organization, who still talk fondly of Otis Anderson as if it were only yesterday. But for Edge, those numbers will be deplorable and dudley.

Is it too late to say that Priest Holmes, Curtis Martin and Steven Davis will all have terrible years? Who knew that Priest would fall from the top so fast. But his replacement LJ has moved into the rectory without much fanfare or incidence. In the absence of a decent passing game, I think Larry will give the lionshare of the workload... but he will also suffer for it. His season totals will not be anywhere near high enough to justify his #1 draft position. By playoff time you'll be flirting with the idea to start anyone else but him.

Mike Bell - Mr. Much Ado About Nothing.... and undrafted rookie beneficiary of the fantasy football forum hype machine. It doesn't take much to be a better back than Dayne, just sit off to the sidelines with a fishing pole and Hostess Twinkies as bait and toss them a few yards from Dayne... he'll be off the field in no time chasing those irresistable spongecakes. And right when he bends over to pick one up a defender will broadside him and knock him to the ground.... once they get up the defender will say "Hey! I found the creamy filling!" The only reason Mike Bell has entered the fantasy football players lexicon is because Mike Shanahan knows that in order to win football games he has to make other coaches prepare for more than what they can handle.... two Bells instead of one.... and hope that in the overload they don't prepare for that old standby
Caddy, McGahee, J. Jones, W. Parker
Caddy was overworked as a rookie, and their passing game still sucks. Teams will stop him. McGahee has no help as well. Jones isn't as good as his backup, and the Steelers running game without The Bus is NOT to be trusted
Fast Willie – cant run any way but fast. never enough
Jamal – shoulda stayed in the hoosegow
SJax – like him fine, but am on record saying he wont play more’n 3 games this yr.


Jimed – Chet, TJ
Archer – Foster, Bell, Rhodes, Gore
The next stop is the Raleigh law firm of Foster and Williams, who are busy finalizing their argument for enacting the law of MRI (Maximum Return of Investment). The only drawback here is that if you pay the retaining fee for one.... you gotta pay it later for the other. As long as Williams, Goings, Shelton or Hoover are used enough so that Foster doesn't wear down over the course of the season.... this duo is gold. Williams may even get a few kick off returns double-eagled and bagged, as he proved against Miami last week.

I know it's a young offense, but Frank Gore has feature back prominence oozing from every pore in his body... and Nolan has already sparked this teams lackluster defense.... it will be interesting to see if the trend back to respectability continues or becomes another flash in the prospectors frying pan. Smith and Bryant have to develop some chemistry to keep Gore from facing 8-in-the-box every Sunday. Gore's durability is also dependent on Maurice "Space Cowboy" Hicks taking some 3rd down or passing situation duties.
RB- DeAngelo, M. Bell, M. Turner, MB III
Williams a fine fine back, and Foster ALWAYS has been injury prone. Won't change. Mike Bell was my favorite RB of the draft, can do everything, and fits great in Den. Turner's fast as hell, and like I said, I feel that Tomlinson injury coming on. MB III SHOULD replace J. Jones early on. But with Parcells, who knows
Maroney – will have the job by himself by October. Seen him twice & he’s LJ with dreds
Morency – cuz he almost rhymes with Maroney & was the best college runner of ’04. Adjust to him a little & u wont miss DD a bit, Ku-Ku-Kubiak.
Anti-sleepers – there are a LOT of sleepers I don’t like much. DeAngelo will be a GRRRREAT KR, but he don’t have no more cuts than FWP. Frank Gore has skills (kept both Clintoris & Mcgayheyhey on the bench at the U) but hasn’t played 3 unmarred games in a row since high school; the Indy guys SUCK
Super-sleeper – Luuuuved Musa Smith at Bulldog City & he startin to show the crows summin.. Wikkid say he passes the Marine & the Con (new series on FOX) by Thanksgiving.

Arch - Dunn, TJ, Mike the Marine
Creek- RB- Droughns, Deuce, D. Davis, T. Jones
Droughns could be a top 7 pick this time next year. Very good runner. Deuce looks like the Deuce of old thus far. D. Davis has lost some hype lately, but he's still going to put up the #'s. Thomas Jones is still the best man for the job in Chi-town.
TJ – best RB in a committee this year
DeadFred – nufced
Tikitikitiki – consensus #4 aint really a snoozer – just nice to see a player who has been the very definition of Snoozer get his attention due.



Jimed – Smitty, Fitz, Holt
Archer – Holt, Harrison, Fitz, CJ, SSmith
As Qb's go, so do WR's... no surprise then that I am expecting wonderful things from Chambers, Williams and McCardell. Hell, let's go nuts.... throw in Gates, McMichael and Pollard, too. It's a Scratch, Ding and Dent sale and just like Cal Worthington.... I'm selling everything... including the kitchen sink. Detroit, San Diego and Miami will all have prolific offenses this year. Only in Detroit do I have any reservations about the running game. Other than that, there's gold in them thar hills and fire in the veins of every fantasy team manager with players on these offenses. I've even seen some speculation on Booker, Bradford and Parker. And to those people I say.... slow down Hoss, let's not get too carried away here. The Bandwagon is full, but there's only so much real estate for sale... not everybody is gonna get lakefront property. BBP are still #4 WR's, so don't expect anything more out of them. However, one of those guys is going to have a career day against a soft secondary... could be Bradford Vs Pack D or Parker vs Oak D but it will happen.
Creek - WR- S.Smith, C. Johnson, R. Moss, Fitz
T.O. WOULD be #1, but he's apparently lost his mind. The addition of Keyshawn should only help Smith. Moss will have a rebound year, full of 35+ yard receptions, and we all know where 85's at. The endzone, silly
Chris Chambers will quite simply be the best WR in FFB this year. He’s got skills, maturity & a QB – he will be UNCONSCIOUS. B4 u scoff, remember the rankings of Moose & Smitty before their FFB-leading years in 04 & 05.
Fitz has more fun playing football than anyone in the game – a joy to watch.


Jimed – Ward, AJohnson
Archer – TO, Moss, Moose, Wilford
Now that Evans is in his 3rd year and is "Da Man" in Buffalo, his hands will turn into bricks. It's a small bust, but he won't live up to expectations. TO will not live up to expectations in Dallas, either, before infecting the organization with his virus that spreads faster than a case of the clap in every isolated island seaport between here and Manilla. I'm on the fence about Moss, Randy (v1.1)... but as long as he stays healthy I think he'll be a monster freak again with Aaron Brooks at the helm. Burress and Driver are both going pretty high, and neither of them inspire great enthusiasm from me. *Insert "Bury my Driver in a..." joke here.* The other usual suspects in this category include; Coles, AJ, Lloyd and Kennison.
WR- J. Walker, A. Johnson, Burleson, L. Evans
Never liked Javon that much (remember when GBin said he was top 3-5 in the league? Sheesh). Andre Johnson is a douchebag, who is on my list. Burleson didn't prove anything, and now doesn't have to with 49mil for the next 7 years, and poor Lee Evans has Losman or Holcomb throwing to him.
SMoss – He’ll have a down year because he & his partner in destiny apparently hafta alternate & its Lavernues’s turn this yr.
Smitty – not a dud, but not a stud
Evans – two words: Loseman

Jimed – Burleson
Arch – Edwards, Mark Clayton, Mason, DJax, RWilliams
There's other WR's to keep an eye on in unsuspecting places....like Bryant in SF or Caldwell in NE. Bradley in Chicago, Mark (not to be confused with Mike) Clayton in Baltimore, Edwards in Cleveland (once he gets healthy later in the season), and now Henderson in NO with the recent trade of Stallworthless. Good move! Henderson was a good fill in a few weeks last year while Horn was out. This year should be even better since he's hit the 3rd year mark. Other trinity celebrants include DJ Hackett in Seattle (Nate who?), Keary "I was a rookie sensation then disappeared last year" Colbert (who should re-appear this year much to the displeasure of Meshawn), Wilford in Jacksonville, Samie Parker in KC ( a long shot), Jerricho Crotchety Old Man (another long shot)
A. Bryant, Jurevicius, M. Jones, T. Taylor
Bryant's looked really good in SF thus far, can he keep it up? Jurevicious is always a solid producer, and he'll get single coverage all day. Matt Jones is a freak. Who else is left in Minny? Taylor's always had talent.
Javon’t, TGlenn, ALelie – just think there’s gonna be a lot of chuckin this year. Shanny likes bombs A LOT more than folks think, Miss Terry gonna be unstoppable with the doubling elsewhere & though I HATE AshleyLaLaLaLelie, Mr Mexico buys immense chunks of time which should have this kid uncovered enough that even he might catch one or two.

Jimed – RWilliams, RBrown
Arch – Driver, RSmith, CChambers
Creek – WR- Driver, Mason, Bennett, Horn
Who else is Favre going to throw to... seriously? Mason reunited with McNair should mean another good year. Joe Horn is still money. Bennett is the white man's Randy Moss... Except, y'know, white, so not as good. HELL YEAH!
Moulds – away from the Loseman
JHorn – top 5 as 2nd option to THE WRATH OF GOD
Driver – zzzzzzzzzzzzzz....huh?


We don’t DO TEs, Ks or Team Ds (tho the TE position is getting thiiiis close to mattering enough). Contrary to public opinion, we DO have lives


Obit (IDPs will totally take over in two years)

Jimed - Big 3, Brady, Fitz
Arch – I don’t do enough trades
Creek - I've never traded up in a draft. the only reason I can see to trade up would be to grab a handcuff for LT2 or L.J., etc.
Wikkid – Guess this category sux. Just don’t be afraid to make an offer when there are dropdowns you really want.

Jimed – RBrown, Galloway, Eli
Archer -
QB - Leftwich, Brunell, Pennington
RB - KJ, DD, CBrown
WR - Coles, Lloyd, AJ
1. George Blanda
2. Elroy "Crazy Legs" Hirsch
3. Ollie Matson
4. Vince Papale
5. Korey Stringer
6. Pat Tillman
(That's right, I went there)
A Packer
A rookie WR

And, when u start talking about dead heroes & rookie WRs, you’re about done.

Daily content begins with the Professor’s Week 1 Syllabus on Thurs 9/7 and should continue uninterrupted thru the year. Hope to see you here. Play hard -

Friday, August 25, 2006


Ah, summer. Ice cream cones, halter tops, sailboats, that insect buzz of hot lazy days that just makes you want to stick a long strand of grass between your teeth and be ten years old again, waiting for the 5th call to supper. Rumors of the world climate going nuts had plenty of added proof with Minny reaching a buck-ten & we here in the high desert receiving more rainfall in the last month than in the previous five years combined. But strangely enough, to a fantasy football nut, summer means more what it promises for the fall than anything else. The LOCKERROOM training camp has had its share of personnel changes, holdouts, loafers, trusty vets getting their game faces on. The Gang of Four is taking it slow so we have summin for the regular season, so I thought I'd start our season preview with the view of a Fanball regular who was nice enough to share his thoughts; a new member of our season staff; and our Pete Rose, the guy who runs out every play. I asked each of them for their picks in LR's favorite categories: Studs, Duds, Sleepers, Snoozers (players who might be overlooked but are the meat & potatoes of a roster), Players I'd Trade Up For, Players You Wont See On My Roster. First Up:

CIGGY - His penchant for lists is behind the very origins of this blog, so we are honored to have him kick off our season preview.

Just for the record as much as I like to make lists I seem to suck at them. It might have to do with trying to go against the grain, or maybe I'm just not as FF savvy as I think I am.


QB :
T.Brady - Once again he will have a ton of yards, so this goes double for yardage heavy leagues. Also for those that have negative points, I like Brady not to make a lot of mistakes.
M.Bulger - He might get hurt again but I would take that risk. Even if leagues give out negative points for INTS and FUM, Bulger puts up monster numbers.
P.Manning - You have to put him on this list, double so because of no Edge.
C.Palmer - Hurt. Not hurt. I don't care, this kids going to be a FF god. And at least for a couple of more years he will have Housh and CJ to throw the rock to.
D.Culpepper - Sure the guy's called Cpep and he gets his 'roll on' but up until last year he was the man. With Chambers at his side look for Daunte to return to form. Of coarse he might not be able to move any more so this is a big risk/big reward pick.

RB :
L.Johnson - You can't go wrong with the KC run game and LJ, I don't care who they lost in the off season.
LT - Yeah he might be hurt when you need him most, and a lot of people hate the idea of not having their stud for the big dance. But you have to first show up to the dance to have a chance, and this guy has the car keys.
C.Portis - I won't lie, I kind of have a hard-on for this guy so take this with a grain of salt, but Portis will be top 3 for years to come. And by years I mean about 3 more because Gibbs is going to run him into the ground. Oh and you can't go wrong with the KC run game.

WR :
S.Smith - Might not finish at the top again, but there is a good chance. The guy is a machine, ask Da Bears #1 D. Also you can't argue the fact that Mr. Delhomme has created the top 2 WRs in the last two years; he might not be a FF stud, but no one in the NFL can stop him from lockin onto his main target.
T.Holt - If you're not next to Holt in FF points then you're not at the top. And all the black wikkids go, Nufced.
M.Harrison - Here’s the deal, the guy is still money and they just lost one of the better backs in the game. Manning knows how to make up for that loss, and its called Marvin.
A.Boldin - Ok call me crazy, Boldin better then Fitz? You're out of your mind! Hear me out first. Fitz scores a lot from inside the 20's and with Edge in town he's going to want a piece of that action. Mean while well DB's are keeping Edge in check, the best run-after-catch WR in the game is going to have a field day. It will be like NS and excuses...endless.
C.Chambers - With out Cpep and the 'roll-on' this kid had 11 TD's last year, I say make that 14 and give him a best in the biznas title. Of coarse this only works with my Cpep pick.


QB :
Bears/Jets - You are asking yourself what that means. It means that if a QB plays for one of these teams this year, stay the hell away.
B.Johnson - Without any WRs Brad can still find a way to win NFL games. But in no way does that translate into any thing for your FF squad.
P.Rivers - You will know its bad when instead of LT throwing for 3 TDs he throws for 10. The LT / Gates hook up will be big time this year.

RB :
SA - Yeah, yeah, I know, I'm still crazy. But for where this guy is going to go in the draft, you could have had better. I am not usually one for unsound methods, but being on Madden and having the Seahawks loss the SB he just kind of scares me. I am not saying he will fall off the earth, but being out of the top 7 isn't out of the question.
W.Dunn - Dudes old. I mean Tiki Barber old, and he ain't no Tiki. Look for Vick and Duckett(TDs) to have a better year rushing, and maybe even a little bit of that Norwood kid by late season.

WR :
J.Vicius - Ok so nothing here that everyone doesn't already know. But just incase you missed it. Mr. Vicius here doesn't repeat.
L.Fitzgerald - Don’t get me wrong I don’t think Fitz will be a total no-show or anything, but I don’t think he puts up the numbers for where he is being drafted at either. Like I said above, Boldin is the man this year, and Edge has to get his; take into account that the Pope is in the Desert and I see Larry’s numbers taking a hit.


QB :
M.Leinart - So I am pretty sure we all agree that K.Warner will go down at some point, so that is good news for those that take a flier on Leinart. And for those that are scared that the highly toted rookie isn’t ‘that’ NFL ready. I think that even R.Leaf might be able to do some damage throwing to Fitz and Boldin all day.
B.Favre - If you are not in a league that gives out negative points for INTs then Mr. Cheeshead is your man. He will once again put up good yardage and TD numbers, even if his pack only wins 4 games. And this year you can get him quite cheap.
M.Vick - Now that everyone hates Vick for screwing them over because they were idiots and took him too soon, he can actually be had at a reasonable price. Unlike years in the past Vicks stock has finally fallen so that you don’t have to over reach to get him. And if the man stays healthy he could easily finish as the top 6-8 QB.
D.Cpep - Remember when this dude use to get taken ahead of P.Manning? Lately he has been going some where among the back-up QBs. So do yourself a favor and grab him as your starter and get a JakeTheSnake as a back up.

RB :
L.Maroney - If you're the LT owner this is the guy you have to grab. Remember how I talked about LT taken vacation during FF playoffs? Good; because this is the guy that will win it for you in the end.
Taylor/Moore - If you haven’t noticed the Vikes have no one for poor old Brad to throw the ball to, except maybe their RB. I would list C.Taylor by himself here if I didn’t think he was going to get over worked and beaten up every Sunday. So play it safe and grab the other guy that can catch the ball, yeah he happens to be a RB also.

WR :
J.Horn - One really bad year and everyone has called it quits on old Joe here. That’s just not fair. Be wise. Give the guy a second chance and your #2/#3 WR may just put up #1 WR stats.
J.Walker - I don’t know if he can pull of #1 WR numbers this year but #2 numbers aren’t out of the question. People are starting not to shy a way from him as much as I thought they would, but if he starts to slip in your league take a chance on the guy.


QB :
M.Schaub - If you’re in a dynasty league this is the late pick for you. Schaub works for this year in any situation where Vick gets hurt. And at the end of the year he becomes a free agent; which means he will be a starting QB some where, and the guys got some fine skills.
J.Kitna - Kitna wasn’t all to bad just a couple of years ago and now he has a chance to lead crazy Martz’s new pass happy O.
M.Brunell - I think I missed the memo that said Brunell was an automatic bust. I know the guy is old. I know the guy isn’t actually all that good. But I also know this guy just upgraded his WR corps and that last year he shocked everyone with a one man WR bit. So if he’s still around late in the draft, make him a back-up, you really have nothing to loss.
J.Campbell - Once again this is a pick for you dynasty league players. And if you took a flier on Brunell then Campbell is an almost must grab. Two things can happen for you with Campbell and both of them are pretty good. One, Brunell gets injured and Gibbs goes with the young gun this season. Or two, Campbell gets some years under his belt as the man with the clip board and then takes over what’s shaping up to be one hell of an O.

RB :
J.Norwood - If Dunn is a bust this year then there is one man who will have to pick up the slack. And incase you haven't noticed Duckett can't do much but cross the stripe; and that leaves a lot to be desired by Hotlantas run loving staff.
Wali Lundy - This pick is based off the fact that DD will never be healthy enough to be as kick ass as everyone thinks he can be. Also I like that Bryan Lamb jumped on the Lundy Train.

WR :
E.Wilford - As I am writing this there is a thread goin on at Fanball about whom to use a late pick on, L.Evans/E.Wilford/A.Bryant. I am putting Wilford under Snoozers because some people still don't get it. J.Smith is gone and everyone and their mother is up in arms over M.Jones as the new guy. Good for Matt, he will also be quite a pick-up, but while NFL Ds and FF drafters are sucking off Jones, Wilford will be getting it on in their Endzone.
C.Rogers - How many years can one man break for an entire season? I am going with 3. With a new coaching staff in town there is a chance Rogers can work his way out of the dog house he’s sheltered up in and when he does that late rounder you used on him could be FF gold. This is just one of those crap shots though, an extra roster spot filled with Rogers isn’t a bad thing, but if he is your number one back up you have some problems.
K.Curtis - People still don’t seem to think that Curtis could be a legitimate #2 WR and that to me is confusing. It’s not so much that Ike is old; it’s that Ike is broken down; the man can’t last all season. And who doesn’t want the Rams #2 WR on their team?


Rookies :
- In a normal draft you won’t find me trying to trade up for anyone, I will try and work with what falls my way. In a draft you just never know how things are going to work out and ADP or no, some owners just do their own thing. That being said, there is a situation that I would start moving up in draft picks, and that situation is an all rookie draft.
L.Maroney - If you didn’t figure it all out in my sleeper picks this guy might turn into my next ‘tent poll in the morning’ RB. The kid looked unstoppable running for the Gophers and in the preseason game I caught the NFL didn’t seem to be much different for him.
D.Williams - I don’t know if you noticed but that J.Fox guy knows how to run a football team. And if a guy with no knees can rack up 12 TD’s in 9 games imagine what this young buck could do. What’s that you say? D.Foster? I can’t say the guy won’t put up some good numbers, but the dudes one carry away from death.
M.Leinart - See my other M.Leinart post. D.Green won’t help Leinart win any SBs but he will turn him into a TD and yardage machine.


QB :
P.Manning - You can’t argue with what this guy brings to the table year in and year out. But what you can argue is how damn high he goes in the draft. First, I won’t take a QB in round 1, hardly even in round 2, so that’s one reason you won’t see this guy on my squad. Second, and this is key, while Manning may put up some great numbers I have yet to see him finish as the #1 QB in FF. And I tend to think that guys like Brady, Palmer, McNabb and Cpep can all out do him, oh wait, they have.
A.Brooks - Ok so before last year this guy was actually kind of good, at least good enough to be on my FF squad, the only thing is I didn’t know that. When you have so many poor outings that no one thinks you’re worth a damn, you’re doin something wrong. I just can’t count on this guy to come thru for me.

RB :
O.Mind - Ok here’s how this works with RBs. You have to keep an open mind. When it comes down to it, if I have the roster space for two crap backs that aren’t going to do no one any good I’ll put them on my squad. You just never know when one of them is going to get hot, even if it’s just for a short stretch or half a season or a whole year. RBs can be too hard to find to be that picky. With all that said though, there are teams right now that I am avoiding over others.
G.Bay - Once not so long ago this team had a top 5 RB in A.Green. Now Green is almost useless and I can’t tell you if Gado is going to be great or not; because I don’t know if it’s the backs that suck or if it’s the team.
N.Y.J - In case you can’t tell, I’m not very high on this team right now.

WR :
Bears/Jets - If the QBs are broken so are their WRs. I’ll just stay away.
SF - Unlike the two teams listed above I don’t necessarily distrust A.Smith; but I don’t think he is ready enough to make any one WR good. If A.Smith does well it will be because he learned to throw the ball to every one.

Great stuff, Cig.


Next, for your dining & dancing pleasure, we are pleased to introduce our friend & NeverScared league commish Kud as one of LOCKERROOM's weekly columnists for the '06 season. This is what he came up with after chewing it over:


Stud: P Manning, Bulger, Hass Dud: Brady, Roethlisburger, T Green (I dont' think NE solved their WR issues. PIT runs the ball. KC runs the ball at the endzone)
Sleepers: McNair, Leftwich, Favre (funny to think of Favre as a sleeper)
Snoozers: Volek, Simms, Carr (I've always liked Volek- we'll finally see what he can do. Simms and his offense are getting better- he could be really good in a year or two. Carr has a decent TE and two solid WRs to throw the ball to- hopefully his RBs will stay healthy and produce)
Players I'd trade up for: Won't trade up for a QB
Players you won't ever see on my roster: P Manning- 1st round is too steep.


Stud: SA, LT, Rudi
Dud: LJ, Caddy, Bush (LJ won't bust, but won't live up to the hype. Caddy will falter- Gruden does weird things to his RBs. Bush- still think he'll produce like a 5th-6th rounder and not the 2nd-3rd he's been going. Let's face it- RBs bust typically when they get hurt)
Sleepers: J Lewis, Foster, F Taylor (3rd round picks or later, who people are counting on to get hurt for them NOT to produce)
Snoozers: Moats, V Haynes (Westy's hurt, Moats could step in fulltime, but will get solid part-time touches even if Westy stays afloat. Haynes might be the vulture in PIT)
Players I'd trade up for: Depends on the situation- I'd trade up for just about anybody- but usually later rounds so I don't pay too much.
Players you won't ever see on my roster: DEN RB, NYJ RB... god only knows this year with those two teams.


Stud: R Moss, Holt, C Johnson
Dud: Owens, S Moss (Owens hammy will keep him in Parcell's doghouse. S Moss was the product of 3 great games last year)
Sleepers: D Mason, D Branch, T Glenn (Mason + McNair = good times. Branch won't hold out, and can be had fairly cheap. Glenn will lead all WRs in DAL)
Snoozers: Toomer, D Gabriel, B Engram
Players I'd trade up for: Same as RB
Players you won't ever see on my roster: S Moss is primed for a stinko year. Not touching him

Stud: Gates, Heap, Shockey, Gonzo (I really like Heap the most of these four for his relative draft value)
Dud: V Davis (needs to beat out E Johnson first)
Sleepers: Winslow, Putzier, M Lewis (very interested to see what WW finally does)
Snoozers: E Johnson, B Franks, L Pope (EJ, when healthy, puts up nice numbers. Favre has to throw it to somebody)
Players I'd trade up for: Won't trade up for a TE
Players you won't ever see on my roster: Gates- but it would depend on my draft spot.


Stud: NA
Dud: Rackers (don't see him repeating last year's numbers)
Sleepers: Seabass, Gostkowski (I saw Ghost in some summer rookie kicking competition- he was $$, and now is the starter for a solid kicking team)
Snoozers: K Brown (indoors), BironasPlayers I'd trade up for: Cough... cough...
Players you won't ever see on my roster: Whoever goes first.


Stud: CHI
Dud: PIT (I don't think the offense will work this year- keeping the D on the field too much)Sleepers: NYG (I like some of the changes to the team, and their O will keep the D off the field)Snoozers: BUF (I always think cold weather teams have an advantage on D- plus they've got some solid playmakers)

Thanks, Kuddles. Look forward to many weeks of concision from you.


And, now, the MVP, the guy who never takes a play off, the man who puts the silly in syllabus...Professor Ellis D. Trails:

Professor’s Picks for Season MMVI-MMVII

First the easy ones, Studs. These are ones that everyone has on the tops of their respective lists
Peyton Manning – You cannot talk about stud QB’s without bringing up the only QB worthy of a 1st round pick in years.
Donavon McNabb – D-Mac is back and looking sharp. People might have him lower on their list, not I said the elderly yet remarkably spry Professor. He can get back to doing what made this team a force and that is being a leader.
Jake Plummer – He’s got two solid weapons at receiver. He played extremely well last year with Rod Smith and no one.
Mark Bulger – When healthy, he has the gun and armament to conquer opposing defenses

LJ – Even with the losses up front, he has sick skills and will get his. Herm is committed to the run, even to his detriment.
LT – The most consistent performer in the league. PERIOD.
SA – Continues the trend that if your name can be reduced to two initials, then you are perpetually a stud.
S-Jax – Not quite down to two initials, but this explosive runner is poised to walk all over the NFC west. I heard that he drafted himself #2 overall in his local fantasy league. Bryan Lamb had first pick and took Ron Dayne.

Tory Holt – Almost every year he is put behind at least two guys going into the season and he usually outperforms them all. Some people have said that Linehan is conservative and it will hurt Holt’s #’s. Well he hasn’t had an offense like this to exploit.
Steve Smith – Did you see the #’s this guy had with absolutely no one on the other side. Granted, an actual ground game and Key on the other side should drop his stats a little, but for what he can do he deserves to be on my list
CJ – Talks the Talk and Walks the Walk, I just wish he would score more TD’s.
Larry Fitzgerald – Easily leads the class of the clich├ęd 3rd Year Wide outs. With Edge in town, one of the dynamic duo in the desert’s numbers will fall, but it won’t be Fitz.

Onto the Duds. This one is more about personal opinion. This is my favorite category. It is much easier to pick a stud than it is a dud and last year I picked McGahee, Nate Burleson and Kevin Jones to name a few.

Drew Bledsoe – Just because the biggest bitch in football history comes into town, people think that Drew will all of a sudden return to form. Hey everybody, this guy has had one good and one real good season in 7 years. His oline is in serious trouble and he is a statue. Owens won’t help anything when Drew is on his back and the fans are screaming for Romo.
Mark Brunell – How old is this guy? 45? 50? Does his AARP card give him discounts on flights? Last season was the first season that he had over 20TD’s in 7 years and the first complete season for him in four. Seems like some new fantasy players forget how much of a nightmare this guy was in fantasy football. It is a safe bet that he reminds us all again this year.
Aaron Brooks – He was benched in NO. I don’t care if Randy “I take half the game off” Moss is on the team. Todd FUCKING Bouman replaced him. It is only a matter of time before we see Walters.
Drew Brees – How in the hell did this guy become so accepted as a good QB. I would look good with LT and Gates catching everything within 10 feet of them. Going into ’04 he was about to be benched. He comes out and has a high completion and low yardage and all of a sudden people are touting him as a 10 Million $ QB. WHAT!!!! It seems like all BR____ QB’s suck, wait except for Brady.

Willis McGahee – This guy knows how to run against poor defenses. He only had 5 100-yard games last year. 2 against the Jets and one against Houston. He had more games under 53 than he did over 100. I said he was a bum last year and I’ll say he is a bum this year. Against teams in the bottom half of the league against the run, He had 9 games and averaged 4.1 yards per carry, while averaging 24 carries for 97 yards per game with a total of 4 TD’s. In the 7 games against the top half of the league against the run, he averaged a stellar 3.3 yards per carry, 16 carries a game for a whopping 52 yards and 1 TD the whole season. B-U-M Bum.
Reggie Bush – Where is all this coming from? Is this based on part time spectacular college play against mostly disgustingly awful opposing defenses? Don’t get me wrong, he has talents, but I think this guy is more like a slightly more talented Charlie Garner. I see one or two pretty good seasons in a career for this guy.
Corey Dillon – He is really trying to convince everybody that he is ready to be a top player again. He scored a lot last year even missing some time. Now his heir apparent is right behind him.

Hines Ward – I don’t think that he will significantly fall, but the loss of Randel El will hurt more than people are saying. The only way Ward is a top tier WR again is if Pitt really stinks and they are forced to throw late. I don’t think they will be bad enough for Ward’s #’s to be that high.
D-Jax – This lingering injury has me skeptical about what he can do. That compounded with the fact that he is a WR from Florida is enough to make him a Dud in my book.

Wake up it’s time to check out Professor’s Sleepers of the year.

Steve McNair – Sometimes a change of scenery is all you need. Sometimes a change of scenery and being reunited with your favorite 1000-yard receiver. Add a great oline and a defense that kills offenses. Air has got a little left in that arm of his. You also can’t teach heart like that.
John Kitna – He is a tall smart QB with good mobility. Other QB’s envy one thing about this guy. Mike Martz is his OC. He also has plenty of talented WR’s to catch his accurate throws. Most people skip right by this guy as Detroit is not the haven for fantasy QB in recent memor…err, distant memor…, ok well ever. Kitna should put up solid numbers. In his last two full seasons, he posted completion %’s of 62.2 and 62.3.
Philip Rivers – He has the same offense that a mediocre QB thrived in. He has a better arm, size and ability than his predecessor. He has the confidence of his teammates and knows the plays inside and out. He could be the difference between a bad season and a surprising division crown. I say the latter is more likely.

Caddy – A rebuilt oline should help this stud in the making unleash his talent upon the NFC.
Deshaun Foster – The only thing holding this guy back from moving into the top tier is his frequent trips to the IR. If he could put a season together, I am sure that he could sign a contract somewhere that he could get paid a lot more to get hurt all the time.
Kevin Jones – Last season I told everyone I could not to touch this guy. Now that they have a QB that can play, he could flourish. I can see it now, KJ taking screens ala St Louis and making a big name for himself.

Rod Smith – While everyone else is enamored with Javon Walker, Rod once again slips down the draft to once again land on a lucky teams roster. This guy has over 1000 yards in 8 of the last 9 seasons and only less than 1100 in two of those 8. He is a producer and he is as consistently overlooked in fantasy as he consistently gets the points to help your teams win,
Derrick Mason – Last season was his first away from Air McNair and people could say that it was a disappointment. He still had 86 catches with the bums that were tossing the ball his way. His last two seasons with Steve, he had 95 & 96 catches respectively. He could have a huge year and can be had as late as the ninth or even tenth round in some leagues.
Laveranues Coles – I am not sure why people are so down on him. He is only 28 and had three straight years approaching or having 90 catches. Granted last year was a down year, but I think the jets had everybody but Drunk Joe Namath out there throwing to everybody. I look for him to bounce back in a huge way this year and you can STEAL him late in any draft you are in.

Looking for some real diamonds in the rough, take a glance at the Professor’s Snoozers. They are sure to be the missing piece to your championship puzzle.

Chris Simms – The Buccs have had one of the best defenses in the last decade, it is their offense that has sucked more than Madden on Favre’s jock. This is being billed as the best offense potential ever in Tampa and I don’t see why it couldn’t. Simms showed signs of poise and leadership last season and could take the next step this year.
Brad Johnson – I know he is a hundred and I know he will never get the big play, but for a guy that can be had as the last QB taken in drafts and even in the FA market, his little dinks and dunks will eliminate int’s and give you a consistent score out of your QB position.

I don’t really see too many snoozers at the RB position. With the importance of this position in fantasy, it is hard to overlook anyone. So I don’t see any other than maybe Lendale White. I honestly could see this second round draft pick eventually taking the majority of carries by mid season.

Braylon Edwards – Only a short month ago, I would have been surprised to see him play in the first half of the season. Now, with the effort he has given to come back to possibly even play in the preseason makes me think that this kid is special.
Reggie Williams – He has been written off by most as a bust at this point in his career, but I have been watching him this preseason and he has had a rapport with Leftwich that is undeniable. His route running is crisper and his hands are softer. With all the attention on Matt Jones and Ernest Wilford, Reggie could come out of nowhere to surprise many.

I consider myself as one of those owners in fantasy that doesn’t like to trade too often. I feel that the draft is where you build your championship and only the FA market can help to adjust your team throughout the season; However, there are a certain number of guys that I would love to get on my team and when the availability presents itself to attain one of these guys I do what I can to get the deal done.

I never usually draft my QB until late middle rounds of the draft and it has always served me well. Therefore, I would only trade for a young rookie QB in keeper leagues such as Leinart, Cutler, or Young and even then it would have to be a league that allows for more than just a few keepers.

In today’s NFL, handcuffs are more important than ever. If I owned Dillon, Foster, Caddy, LT, or SA, I would not hesitate to make the move to get Maroney, Williams, Pittman, Turner or Morris. In regards to trading for starters, of course I would love to get one the studs on my team, it just seems like when trying to acquire one, the other team involved always tries to get more than they are worth. I just think it is there way of sabotaging the deal from the start.

This is the position that allows for the most flexibility in trades. Production is a roller coaster for the most part even with the higher tiered players. Guys that I would give a little more than they are worth this year are Reggie Brown and Donald Driver.

Now it comes to the players that I would never have on my Roster. A lot of owners have different reasons for not wanting players. I don’t want Warner because he WILL get hurt. I don’t want Vick because he sucks and cannot throw surprise party, let along an accurate pass. I won’t touch a Denver or Jets RB if you paid me. Seriously. You won’t see Santana Moss on my roster because I won’t pay the draft pick high enough that others will. Finally, you will NEVER, EVER, EVER see the arrogant, selfish, egomaniac, holier than though, I am greater than the team Jackass that is TO.

I hope that my insight has given you some knowledge that you find useful in drafting as we approach another season. Get yourselves some school supplies and get ready for another year in the course of your benevolent Professor. Until the Week one Syllabus, always go with your gut and don’t look back.

Professor Ellis D Trails

Thanks, gents. Later this weekend, if I can can us off our barstools, bivouacs, freshmen girls & inflatable friends, the Gang of Four will weigh in. Nufced

Sunday, August 20, 2006

Fantasy College Football Drafts

Intrepid roving Locker Room reporter Archer here, going to every frat house rush party and sorority house panty raid from the campuses of the Gravediggers from Berry U. in Mt. Berry, GA. (okay they're really a College and not a University and their mascot is the Vikings, but why? There are no Vikings in Georgia, they all settled in Minnesota so they can ice fish and drink beer year round.)

Where was I anyway? Oh yeah.... to boldly go where no 40+ year old man has gone before. Back to college! After waking up three weeks later in a frat house bathroom with a toilet plunger gently positioned between my two exposed buttcheeks, I have survived the endless summer partying and retreived the information I went in search for; which college has the best fantasy football players! Everything was written down perfectly I remember, but it was on a roll of toilet paper that mysteriously dissappeared while I was passed out.

Fortunately, I have managed to remember some of my findings in the workable half of the neural pathways unaffected by the mass genocide of brain cells, so let's roll without any further delay.

Top QB's
1. Notre Dame - Brady Quinn Sr.

Excellent tutelage under Weiss and a #1 WR that he has chemistry with

2. Hawaii - Colt Brennan Jr.

Think Colt 45 gunslinger... The Rainbow Warriors are a pass happy bunch and Chang was breaking all kinds of records last year, but this kid is even bigger and better.

3. Ohio State - Troy Smith Sr.
Very Vince Young-esque in the fact that he doesn't shrink from the responsibilities of completely carrying his team to victory week after week. He's not afraid to tuck the ball down and run it either.

4. Michigan State - Drew Stanton Sr.

This guy can win games, but like Favre, if he gets too excited he can make bad decisions, too. Good runner, accurate passer.... this is his last year to make the pro scouts salivate and I don't think he'll disappoint.

5. Arizona State - Sam Keller Sr.

On his way to a 3000+ yard and 30+ TD's season last year, but an injury mid-season in the Stanford game put a halt to those kind of numbers. He's got a quick arm and good targets to throw to. The PAC-10 passing title is his this year if he stays healthy.

EDIT: Rudy Carpenter the Sophomore QB has won this starting job, and I know that will knock ASU QB rank down a little, but I think s switch with MSU is all I'll do.

Rounding out the top 10...

6. Louisville - Brian Brohm Jr.
7. Florida State - Drew Weatherford So.
8. Florida - Chris Leak Jr.
9. USC - John David Booty Jr.
10.Iowa - Drew Tate Sr.

On the bubble honorable mentions:
Pat White So. (West Virginia) Zac Taylor Sr. (Nebraska) JaMarcus Russell Jr. (LSU) Brian Johnson Jr. (Utah) Jordan Palmer Sr. (UTEP)

Top WR's
1. USC - Dwayne Jarrett Jr.

The WR corp at 'SC seems like an endless pool of talent every year and the tandem of Smith & Jarrett is one of the main reasons why Booty is a top 10 QB candidate. Of course he has to have some skill to get the ball in the air, but with these guys on the other end... it makes his job look so much easier.

2. Notre Dame - Jeff Samardzija Sr.

With a WR style reminiscent of Steve Largent this guy is a big target for Qiunn to rely on again this year.

3. Washington State - Jason Hill Sr.

A very consistent performer with big game potential. Averaged 17.2 yards per catch last year and should be in that neighborhood again this year. Good hands and concentration around the goal line.

4. Texas Tech - Jarrett Hicks Sr.

Very dangerous speedster out of the slot. Texas Tech has been churning out top notch QB-WR's from the Big XII for the length of Leach's tenure.

5. Ohio State - Ted Ginn Jr. Jr.

Had a very slow start last year, but blossomed late and should pick up the '06 season where he left off last year. He needs to be an early presence this year to take some of the pressure off Troy.

Rounding out the Top ten....

6. USC - Steve Smith (take2) Sr.
7. Hawaii - Davone Bess So.
8. Georgia Tech - Calvin Johnson Jr.
9. Louisville - Mario Urrutia So.
10. LSU - Dwayne Bowe Sr.

On the bubble honorable mentions:

Dorien Bryant Jr. (Purdue) James Hardy So. (Indiana) DeSean Jackson So. (California) D'Juan Woods Sr. (Oklahoma State)

Top RB's

1. Oklahoma - Adrian Peterson Jr.

Despite fighting injuries the majority of last season and suffering along with the rest of the youthful Sooner offense in their learning curve, the expectations on Adrian this year are still very high. This offense will rely heavily on his leadership this year.

2. Louisville - Michael Bush Sr.

Also a key component to the success of the Cardinals this year, Bush is a punishing force when he hits the hole. Unless he battles injuries this year, he is a top Pro prospect.

3. Texas - Jamaal Charles So.

Despite his youth, he has a mature vision of a veteran RB and has the quick feet to slash and dash around the corners. His talent was over-shadowed by Young last year, but this offense will depend on him for it's success this year.

4. Auburn - Kenny Irons Sr.

Another RB out of Running Back U. He is not the big power back like some of Auburn's more notable RB's of the past, but he has a great nose to find the open field.

5. Northern Illinois - Garrett Wolfe Sr.

This kid is lightning in a bottle, and doesn't get much national exposure sense he's in a smaller school. He's a very small, but quick runner and put up very respectable numbers last year with 6.5 ypc, almost 1,600 yards all season and 17 trips to paydirt.

Rounding out the top ten....

6. West Virginia - Steve Slaton So.
7. Northwestern - Tyrrell Sutton So.
8. California - Marshawn Lynch Jr.
9. Iowa - Albert Young Jr.
10. Notre Dame - Darius Walker Jr.

On the bubble honorable mentions:

Ken Darby Sr. (Alabama) Darren McFadden So. (Arkansas) Yvenson Bernard Jr. (Oregon State) Antonio Pittman Jr. (Ohio State) Jamario Thomas Jr. (North Texas State)

Top TE's

1. Arizona State - Zach Miller Jr.

Big reliable target for Keller underneath and an exceptional blocker.

2. Missouri - Chas Coffman So.

The Tigers have two quality TE's this year and they both figure to be prominent in their passing offense. Although Coffman is the youngest, he is a notch above Rucker the Jr. TE.

3. U of Miami, Fla - Greg Olsen Jr.

Clutch receiver and #1 option for short pass 3rd down plays. With all the problems the Hurricane is having with their WR's it looks like Olsen will be their #1 go-to guy this year.

4. Rutgers - Clark Harris Sr.

At 6'6" 255 pounds, Clark is one big Scarlet Knight! Smart player with soft hands and good vision to add yards after the catch.

5. BYU - Johnny Harline Sr.

This is a TE capable of putting up nearly 900 yards this season, which is more like WR numbers. He also runs routes out of the Y slot, so he figures to be an important piece in the Cougar aerial attack.

Top K's

1. Colorado - Mason Crosby Sr.

I'm thinking his success is similar to Elam's in the pros.... the air is thinner up there and balls just seem to travel much further with less effort.

2. Oregon State - Alexis Serna Jr.

Has a very decent chance of 40+ PAT's and 25-28 or so FG's.

3. Iowa - Kyle Schlicher Sr.

This is the kind of kicker you want in the big game when you want a last second winning FG, and I will wager that his leg will be a factor in one of the major Big X contests this year.

4. Georgia - Brandon Couto Jr.

Brandon led the SEC in scoring last year, and should have plenty of opportunities to score around 115 points again this year. He's got a good distance leg, too for 40+ yd FG's.

5. Virginia Tech - Brandon Pace Sr.

This guys isn't in the top 5 in many college fantasy sites, but I just like the VT gritty offense and a good Stover-esque style kicker that just gets the job done is always a good quality to have on your fantasy team.

Top DEF's*

1. Penn State
2. Oklahoma
3. Arkansas
4. Mississippi
5. Texas A&M
6. Florida State
7. Wisconsin
8. Virginia Tech
9. Pittsburgh
10. S. Florida

* It's hard to find any D/ST rankings without really digging for them, I am basing these rankings mainly on the ranking of team LB's which is not without the possibility of error, but a good indication of team defense strength nonetheless.

Hopefully, this list will help you prepare for your upcoming College Fantasy Football draft. Throughout the season I will be playing in three college leagues and I'll give a little summary of the weeks highs and lows on my three teams, along with any waiver wire moves I make. We're a little over a week away from the opening weekend.... good luck to everyone.

Monday, August 14, 2006

Greetings from the Shit II by Jimed

REVENGE, a dish best served cold.

By now, most of you know that I have been mobilized to the sands of Kuwait, with frequent trips into Iraq....blah blah blah......I'm not here to speak about that, but to speak of the dirty underhanded near-felonious act that has been perpatrated upon poor little innocent (yeah right) me. Over in the NFL 192 man league, Buffygirl from fanball, or Pitt5 in the NFL league, have been having a running banter, that at times, has left the entire chat room either stunned, or slack jawed...your choice. Anywho, we have traded emails, and Buffy included a link to her myspace page. Now, I have never been on myspace due to the fact that I have heard nothing but bad things, such as pedophiles, sexual predators, and loose women (yeah right). The government internet gurus have it as a prohibited site for that reason, and have blocked it for that reason.So I decided to check out Buffys page (Nice eye, Buffy), which meant a trip to the internet cafe (yep, same one as before, sans exotic photo), and clicked on Buffy's page link. The myspace home page came up, and informed me that I had to be a member to preform this function. It then directed me to an enrollment page. Being afraid, but not wanting to hurt Buffys feelings (yeah right), I input the required information, to enroll. I then got a screen, informing me that I had input the wrong password. I then tried again, thinking I had rushed & missed something on the page. Turns out I didn't, & I got the same message. I have never been there, nor had I even thought about becoming a member, so I asked my buddy (same one as with the thumb drive) if I was doing something wrong, as I knew he had been a member of the site. He tried with the information I gave him, with the same results. Perplexed, he turned to his computer, and logged himself onto myspace. When his page came up, he went to the search function the site has. he then typed in my yahoo email address, and my name, & hit search. in almost no time, MY PAGE, popped up. As shocked as I was that there was a page assigned to my email account, I was more shocked to see the picture that is on the page. It was one of the citizen soldiers I have been in charge of since January, the dumbass didn't have enough brains to use a pic of me, or a generic picture. I was stunned, and had to swallow a gallon of bile, as the rage built up in me, like a volcano. Normally I am a rational person (yeah right), but I went from zero to murder in under 2 seconds. I was about to go storming off, to stomp his ass into the ground, in front of 300 witnesses, when my buddy told me it probably wasnt as bad as all that. he told me they all appeared to be over 18, none were advertising porn sites, at least not yet, and it had been 3 months since the page was up, so nothing bad had happened yet.I guess I have 26 "special" bimbos...err friends, who want to "getto know me". I was about to get up to kill him yet again, when my friend told me that going to the brig, meant missing my flight out of here in 35 days or so. While it would have been sweet to kick his teeth down his throat, I calmed down and started thinking (yeah right). I went to the compound where we work, and went into the OIC's office. That is an officer In charge. He is a likable lieutenant, with a large head, and little brains. I explained the situation to him, and he got as angry as I did. I then explained, that I wanted revenge, and I needed him to play an integral part. We disgused it for a while, and developed a plan. The Lt. called the Master At Arms (Navy Cop) & had him summon the sailor. After the prescriber 3 round knock on the door, the sailor entered, marched to within 24 inches of the Lt.'s desk, and sounded off "Petty officer _____, reporting as ordered". He glanced at me out of the corner of his eye but, me being in the office was nothing new, so he thought nothing of it. The OIC then proceeded to tell him that he was being brought up on charges, and would stand a Captians Mast (Non judicial punishment), for impersonating a superior Petty officer, conduct unbecoming, and for causing me to be investigated back at Battalion, in Virginia. The look on his face when this happened, was priceless. An audible gulp could be heard through out the room, and he began to sweat profusely. As the OIC was laying it on him thick, he was reeling from the sudden shock, as the immense amount of sweat leaving his body. I thought he was going to faint right there.When asked for his reasoning behind his action, he very weakly croaked "it was all a joke, I didn't mean any harm by it". The OIC then went on a screaming jag about him sullying my reputation (yeah right), how he may have ruined my 23 years of service by me being investigated falsely. The sailor glanced at me with fearful eyes, and that set the OIC off yet again. "look at me when I speak to you" he shouted. "you have been found guilty of all charges" the Lt. said, and then uttered the words that I thought would kill him. "you are restricted for a period of 45 days, you also have 45 days of extra duty. You are reduced to the next inferior pay grade, and will be fined 1/2 months wages, for a period of 2 months". He then screamed for him to get out of his sight, as he sickened him. He stated that he didn't want to see him taking a break, or resting for the remainder of our time in Kuwait.The sailor was then escorted out of the OICs office by the Master-at-arms. when the door had closed, we looked at each other, and burst out laughing. I vowed then and there, to follow this man anywhere, during anything. I asked him if I should go to the barracks and tell the sailor of the joke, or if he. but he stated," let him mull it over for a night, and devise a story to tell his wife. I'm sure she will be interested to know why he will be losing a stripe, and money for 2 months".Now before you guys think I really am an asshole rat (yeah right), The OIC of a det, does not have the authority to convine a Captain's Mast, not to hand out any such punishment, but the sailor was so blindsided, he didnt have time to think about that. plus, he isnt really the sharpest crayon in the box. I can't wait to tell him tomorrow, to see the look on his face.... it will be priceless. The OIC is going to tell him, as he might not want to speak to me for a while, for his own sake. The moral of the story???Be careful who you fuck with..... they just might have a BIGGER dick. Peace from the scud alley of the world


Sunday, August 06, 2006

Eagles vs. Raiders Preseason Live-Blogging

The HOF game is set to take place 8:00 PM tonight, and I will be here discussing the game live throughout the night. In the event I perish before the game tonight, the live-blogging will go on a scheduled. That's how I would've wanted it.

David Akers' performance last year against the Raiders, was the greatest by any kicker. You heard me, New England.