Friday, September 30, 2005


I'm going to keep it short, as I have suffered a death in the family, and have to rush out.

I went 1-2 against the numbers last week, losing 110.00 in the process.
That brings me to 710.00 in the hole, on 3-7-1 selections.

This weeks picks.

Home dog special.
Tennessee grabbing 7 as a home dog, always plays Indy tough, if I'm not mistaken, most of their games are usually close. Plus Indy is not playing well offensively $110.00 grabbing the points

Tampa -6.5 at home playing a BAD Detroit team. Joey Harrington hopes to get a tan in Tampa, cause their defense is going to tan his hide.
Give for 220.00

$100.00 6 point tease. This baby will pay 9/5. That should get 180.00 back into my deficit
Tampa -.5
san Diego +11
cinch - 3.5

Thursday, September 29, 2005


Week 4 is upon us, and the drooling minnions are entering the first turn. this race is heating up, as it has become a lot closer than anyone expected.

Last weeks results, with season totals in parenthesis.
ARCHER 9-5 (28-18)
WETBOAT 8-6 (27-19)
JIMED 11-3 (26-20)
WIKKID 10-4 (26-20)
AHELMS 10-4 (25-21)
CREEK 9-5 (23-23)
GBIN 8-6 (23-23)

The results don't lie, some of us so called experts suck ass, while the others just dream of sucking ass.



KC (GASP!!!!!) L
N.O. W
S.F. L
S.F. L

S.D. W

S.F. L

K.C. L
S.F. L

N.O. W
K.C. W

Wednesday, September 28, 2005


In solidarity with the University of Iowa, I have changed the color of LOCKERROOM. For those of you who haven't heard about this story, check out this article: People Seeing Red Over Pink Locker Room, 9/28/05.

Week 4 Predictions

Last week was the first week where I feel like I have a sense of this season's
trends and which teams are doing what. I went 9-5, which brings my season total to 25-21.

Here's a look at this week's match ups.

Buffalo 16 at New Orleans 13
Bills D lost a playmaker when Spikes injured his achilles tendon last Sunday.
The key to their success will be keeping pressure on Brooks and containing
McAllister. Horn is hobbled by a hamstring and Stallworth is suffering from
his usual dropsies.

Denver 20 at Jacksonville 10
If Champ isn't able to play at full speed the Jags could see the end zone twice
instead of once, but their offense is not (and has not been for awhile) prolific.

Detroit 17 at Tampa Bay 24
Detroit's special teams will keep this game closer in score than what the
offensive or defensive stats would indicate.

Houston 13 at Cincinnati 23
The Bengals D has been creating turnovers to help put the offense in scoring
positions often... and I don't see where Carr will be any different. He may
not throw 5 interceptions, but 3 or 4 would not be out of the question.

Indianapolis 20 at Tennessee 10
Okay, so the Colts D is winning them games now since the Manning scoring
machine is on hiatus. Titans D is stingy enough to help keep the score
low on this one too.

San Diego 24 at New England 31
New England will be able to outscore the Chargers, but I don't see them
shutting down LT completely.

Seattle 27 at Washington 13
Seattle has a decent defense that will contain Moss, but Portis will be able
to score. The early bye week for the Redskins was more of a momentum killer than a chance to rest up and feel refreshed.

St Louis 21 at NY Giants 24
This game has shoot out potential, but the Giants D will thwart the Rams
ubiquitous passing attack for most of the day and keep the score in the 20's.

NY Jets 10 at Baltimore 17
New QB for the Jets and no effective running game to fall back on. If the Ravens
can just score a few times they should be able to win this one. This is my
snoozefest game of the week. However, if you like to see new QB's get cremated by a strong defense... grab some popcorn, this one will enthrall.

Dallas 20 at Oakland 21
Oakland has to win a game sooner or later, I'm feeling sooner. Of course that
is contingent on them getting the ball to Moss at least 7 or 8 times. Dallas
won't roll over and play dead... this will be a nail-biter at the end.

Minnesota 20 at Atlanta 27
Culpepper has a tough match up this week, don't expect more than a couple TD's
out of this one. The Falcons defense will create a turnover that will lead to the touchdown that wins it. Look for Moore to have a good day. The Vikings will need it from him in order to keep competitive.

Philadelphia 27 at Kansas City 31
Definite shoot out, but the lack of a kicking game for the Eagles will tip
the balance in favor of the Chiefs for this one.

San Francisco 16 at Arizona 13
Barlow has too many tostadas and drinks the water, so Gore has to start and
runs faster than a Juarez wetback across the Rio Grande. The Cards offense
and their struggles under a new signal caller will be the key to this loss.

Green Bay 7 at Carolina 21
Favre just doesn't have the weapons to be very effective against this defense.
Since this is MNF the Packers may show enough heart to keep this game respectable
so they don't completely embarass themselves on national TV.

Monday, September 26, 2005

NUFCED by wikkidpissah

NOW THAT MY WEEK as Scandal Boy is at an end, it's time for some fantasy football theory. One's an old chestnut, NBYS, & the other, Tight End Quantification, is only old if you regularly read my Fanball posts (not that there's anything wrong with that).
NBYS: This favorite of the LOCKERROOM staff has almost nothing to do with whether the strong matchup of a backup can beat a superstar who's in tough. It has to do with decision making & delegating. If a manager cannot trust a portion of his team to always be the best for certain jobs, he ends up being swamped by an exponentially expanding number of decisions & duties, and usually ends up serving few of them well. In English, if you're making five coin-flip decisions, you'll make less mistakes than someone having to make ten. And mistakes breed mistakes at an ever-expanding rate of occurence. So, play your LT2s & SAs & Barbers & you'll find your decisions between Mason & McCardell to be better made.
TEQ: With verrrrry rare exceptions, tight ends only catch passes when no one is covering them. Look closely & you'll notice that the large majority of TE receptions are made on 1st down and on 3rd & long, both occasions being when the defense has the most coverage responsibilities. This is why TE is so hard to quantify. I guaranteed an improved performance for Jason Whitten in wk 3 because, while he was shut out when gameplanned as the primary coverage responsibility, the Boyz' WRs proved themselves worthy enough of coverage in the 1st two games to open some seams for JW. Just as when I, an old white guy, become familiar with a hiphop joint, it's likely to be a sooooo last year track, when you notice Chris Bakers & Steve Heidens in the boxscores you can be damn sure the def coords are all over a plan to stop them well before you read it. So try inverting your logic with TEs - like, rather than playing one who's going against a bad pass defense, play one going against a bad run defense. A tight end can beat 8-in-the-box a lot easier than the nickel. So, grab a big block of cheese & be George Constanza next week, doing the opposite of your natural instincts.

On to the games:

TB 17 - GB 16

Alan Ameche....Alan freakin' Ameche....the first football player's name that ever stuck in my head. The 1st football game I ever sat in front of was the great 1958 NFL Championship & there was a guy kept talkin about Alan Ameche (even tho he wasnt in the game). In football terms, that was somewhere between the Stone & Iron Ages. Well, Cadillac Williams, broke a record yesterday held by Alan freakin' Ameche for the most rushing yds in the 1st 3 games of a career. Mind you, 2 of those games were against GB & Minny, but I don't see any Ds in the way of him reaching stud status quicker than anyone since Dickerson. And, speaking of sports history, is #4 headed for the sorriest final season since Willie Mays wandered around CF for the '73 Mets? I sure hope not.

CIN 24 - CHI 7

Chapter One in The Ruining of a QB '05. It's a shame, really - I think Orton mighta been the QB Bears' fans have been looking for since Jimmy Headband gave it up. Is there a more important quality for an NFL quarterback than composure? Is there a quicker way to rob a young signalcaller of his than starting him from da gitgo & leaving him in, no matter what? Would it have killed Lovie to let Blake start a game or two & ease the kid in? Buckle in, Chiguys - there's gonna 6-8 more game like this, even in the Morris Division. Bengals=NFL's most professional team.

ATL 24 - BUF 16

Limited by a bad hamstring, Mexican Mike claimed to have "learned a lot" about pocket-passing today while falling under the 25% mark lifetime for 200yds passing/start. Well. I learned a lot about nutrition today while scarfing my 267th lifetime box-in-one-sitting of Goldfish today. Reason Falcons still won? JPLosman=Vick minus skills.

STL 31 - TENN 27

As boring as a shootout can be....if STL wasn't in the NFC Weast they'd be 5-11 this yr....has the Kevin Curtis era begun?....can't wait for the 1st CBrown-handcuff-during-Henry-suspension thread on the forums.

PHIL 23 - MIN 20

Westboogie averaging about 150 yds a game at an 8 yd/touch clip - get him. Reason #18 I like TO better'n Moss: With an obviously laboring QB, TO broke off a number of his routes to give McNabb a secondary target, Randy never left the sideline pattern. Am I the only one thinking that Mike McMahon could be one of this season's best stories if DMac loses significant PT to the 2 serious torso injuries? Then they could trade him to the Phins!

JAX 26 - NYJ 20 OT

I got your Stephen Davis....right here! THIRTY-SEVEN touches for Fragile Fred today....AND his annual TD to boot!....That moptop kid widda mad skillz who had New Yawkers wonderin' if Joe Willie was back a coupla yrs. ago was a total mirage....haven't paid a whole lot of attention, but haven't seen the Jets run a play I liked yet.

MINN 33 - NO 16

Almost hated exploiting it, but one of the best plays in sports is betting against an NFL team in its 3rd consecutive road game. Only happens maybe twice a season but occured here cuzza da flood. Dont get too excited yet, CPep fans -that was one sagginass Saints team out there....shame they can't have one home this yr....if the Vikes ever give Michael "No-cut" Bennett another important touch, they deserve to lose.

MIA 27 - CAR 24

Who can figger out my cats? Lose to NO at home, TOTALLY outclass the champs, then give it up to the comedy team of Brown & Frerotte. Good to see Ronnie shut up some of the naysayers - reeeeeally dont want StikkiIkkiRikki bogarting carries when his suspension's doubt about it, SSmith's my favorite WR - no running game, ONE catch by other CAR wideouts & he STILL carves em up.

IND 13 - CLE 6

If you could've convinced me that the Colts would be 3-0 & I'd be looking to bench P-Man, I would have then followed you to "Jeb in '08" headquarters & offered my skills to help the dynasty continue....even tho he's officially on the downside, it was nice to see Mahvin grab the record for his part in the most prolific QB-WR tandem of all time.

SEA 37 - AZ 12

And the 2005 Hell-In-A-Handbasket award goes to....Much as I enjoy any disappointment residents of the Valley of the Sun can suffer, I really thought we were gonna see a big turnaround this year. Well, there's always next decade. Big Shaun seems to have a game like this in Sept every yr - glad only one of my teams faced him.

DAL 34 - SF 31

Biggest indicator of the quality of the FFB leagues I'm in? Couldn't find a single buy-low taker on Witten....What is it about college QBs that makes them such excellent possession receivers?I'd grab ABattle off the WW before BLloyd. Shame such a promising tandem has a QB that throws more 4th Q ints. than in all other Qs combined.

NE 23 - PGH 20

Reason #417 why Bill Belichick is a great coach: a week after creating a game film full of textbook examples of how to disrupt Tomboy's game for a next opponent that specializes in disrupting QBs games, Brady clicks like Larry King's dentures the entire contest....Wee Willie Parker falls back to earth, can RBBC be far behind?

SD 45 - NYG 23

I've always had a hard time paying attention for SNF but LT2 & the Eli-razzin' SD fans made it easy. Was Eli's the most ineffectual 350-2-0 performance you've ever seen? Every time the Gints don't find a way to make Tiki the focal point of their offense, they suck. How easy is it to shut down a TE when you start covering him? Of Eli's 1st 200 yds, Shockey caught half; of Eli's last 150, Shockey caught none. If AGates (who looked huge tonite) gets 50 yds next week, I'll quit quitting stuff.

That's it. I quit!!!!

Sunday, September 25, 2005


ARLINGTON, VIRGINIA, September 25, 2005 -- As I file my report from a hotel room across the Potomac from our nation's capital of Washington, D.C., I'm looking out the window at the graceful Washington Monument and the U.S. Capitol. This brings back memories of my many years in this city. As a New York City native, my first allegiance was with the football Giants, but it was here in DC that I fell in love with the Redskins and made them my team for life. It didn't matter that I became a Redskins fan after Gibbs won his last Super Bowl and retired, and the team went into a funk that still lasts to this day (notwithstanding last week's Santana Moss touchdowns). This city truly screamed for its team in a way I could never see or feel in New York, and with the many friends I made here, I simply got caught up in Redskin mania. Jack Kent Cooke was an exasperating but endearing guy -- I couldn't stomach the sight of him, but he brought a genuine flavor to a city that was jaded by power and politics. Tony Kornheiser was a jerk and an ass when I tried to say hi to him in person on L Street (an observation shared by some friends who knew him), but it didn't keep me from reading his columns in the Washington Post about the Lewinsky Bandwagon, the Gus Bus, and, of course, My Man Deion Sanders.

I moved back to NYC for various reasons over a year ago, so it's been really tough for me to follow my adopted NFL team. Last Monday, I told my girlfriend (who doesn't keep a TV at her home) that I'd watch the Redskins vs Dallas game at a bar near her place in Manhattan. She wasn't thrilled, so she let me do my thing while she went off to dinner in Greenwich Village with a gay friend of hers, presumably to hear his "gay man's guide to sex for straight women" perspective (hey I can't complain as long as Hershey isn't involved). When she came back, she stopped at my bar with 4 minutes in the game and Dallas leading 13-7. Glimpsing the score, she said with a twinkle in her eye, "Looks like game's over. Let's go."

"What? Look at the score! It's 13-7 with 4 minutes left!"

She gave me her lovely dog-eyed look. Normally I'm a sucker for that look, but not when Dallas is involved. I was unmoved, so she pouted while I watched glory unfold before my very eyes as Santana Moss streaked down the field, beat Roy Williams at his own game, and hauled in the ball for a 70-yard sprint into a permanent place in Redskins lore.

I screamed and jumped up and down in the bar, startling two young and drunk Manhattanite couples who were making out next to me (gotta love NY at 12:30 am on a Monday night). My girlfriend was unimpressed. All she wanted to do was go back home and go to sleep. I don't care. WE BEAT DALLAS!!

WETBOAT'S BOLDEST-EVER PREDICTION: Redskins stay undefeated this weekend. I'm down for a big bet with anyone. Send me an email. ;)
Sent wirelessly via BlackBerry from T-Mobile.

Saturday, September 24, 2005

On The Hash... Marks

To start, let me apologize for every "trade David Bell" post I have made on every message board in the last 3 years. He made up for all of it with that homerun against the Reds. I'm telling you, if the Phil's can just get in, we could make some noise.

Moving on, here is the top 25:
1. USC (2-0)
Last week- (#1) W 70-17 vs Arkansas
This week- @ Oregon
Notes: Reggie Bush does at least 3 things every game that lead you to believe he is the a superhero.

2. Texas (3-0)
Last week-(#2) W 51-10 vs Rice
This week- Idle
Notes: Jamaal Charles looks to be the next great Texas running back. Now all he needs to do his grow some dreads, and pass da dutch pon da left hand side.

3. LSU (1-0)
Last week- (#3) Idle
This week- @ #12 Tennessee
Notes: Can a brotha get some JaMarcus Russell Heisman buzz?... I didn't think so. Oh well, worth a shot. ("pass da dutch pon da left hand side, pass da dutch pon da left hand side, pass da dutch pon da left hand side " Stuck in your head yet?)

4. Virginia Tech (3-0)
Last week- (#4) W 45-0
This week- vs Georgia Tech
Notes: Marcus Bagwell could win games if he had that defense! (Yes, I made a Buff Bagwell reference, you got a problem?)

5. Florida (3-0)
Last week- (#7) W 16-7 vs #12 Tennessee
This week- @ Kentucky
Notes: You know it's killing Urban Meyer that he doesn't have an excuse to play Josh Portis.

6. Georgia (3-0)
Last week- (#6) W 44-7 vs LA-Monroe
This week- @ Mississippi St.
Notes: This years Auburn?

7.Ohio St. (2-1)
Last week- (#8) W 27-6 vs SDSU
This week- vs Iowa
Notes: Kicking myself over not taking SDSU with the points last week.

8.FSU (3-0)
Last week- (#11) W 28-17 @ #14 Boston College
This week- Idle
Notes: How the hell does this team keep winning?

9. Arizona St. (2-1)
Last week- (#17) W 52-21 vs Northwestern
This week- @ Oregon St.
Notes: Am I crazy for having Sam Keller ranked as the 2nd best junior QB in the country behind Omar Jacobs, and ahead of Vince Young, Chris Leak, ect.? We'll see.

10. Louisville (2-0)
Last week- (#13) W 63-27 vs Oregon St.
This Week- @ South Florida
Notes: Brian Brohm looked impressive. They may have just gotten by their biggest test of the season. The Big East is pathetic...

11. Purdue (2-0)
Last week- (#9) W 31-24 @ Arizona
This week- @ Minnesota
Notes: How do you not beat Arizona by seven?

12. Tennessee (2-1)
Last week- (#5) L 7-16 @ #5 Tennessee
This week- @ #3 LSU
Notes: Pick a damn quaterback!

13. Georgia Tech (3-0)
Last week- (#14) W 28-13 vs UConn
This week- @ #4 Virginia Tech
Notes: Always sucks when you pick a big underdog & it's a push.

14. Boston College (2-1)
Last week- (#10) L 17-28 vs #8 FSU
This week- @ #25 Clemson
Notes: If Quinton Porter doesn't get hurt, they win that game

15. Michigan St. (3-0)
Last week- (Unr) W 44-41 @ #17 Notre Dame
This week- @ Illinois
Notes: It's a shame someone had to win that game... seriously, I wanted both of them to lose.

16. Miami (1-1)
Last week- (#18) W 36-30 @ #25 Clemson
This week- vs Colorado
Notes: Tyrone Moss needs to start getting some national pub quick. The boy can play.

17. Notre Dame (2-1)
Last week- (#12) L 41-44 vs Michigan St.
This week- @ Washington
Notes: HA!

18. Michigan (2-1)
Last week- (#16) W 55-0 vs Eastern Michigan
This week- @ Wisconsin
Notes: We stopped a running quaterback!!!

19. California (3-0)
Last week- (#15) W 35-20 vs Illinois
This week- W @ Tex-Mex St.
Notes: Is Cal the new running back U?

20. Alabama (3-0)
Last week- (#21) W 37-14 vs South Carolina
This week- vs Arkansas
Notes: Who wants to bet Mike Shula got calls from every SEC coach thanking him for beating the tar out of the ol' ball coach?

21. Texas Tech (2-0)
Last week- (#19) W Eleventy-billion-0 vs Douchebag University
This week- vs Larry Bird State
Notes: When does their Big 12 season start?

22. UCLA (3-0)
Last week- (#25) W 41-24 vs Oklahoma
This week- Idle
Notes: Drew Olson stepped it up big time in this one.

23. Iowa St. (2-0)
Last week- (#22) Idle
This week- W 28-21 vs Army
Notes: Survived a scare from Bobby Ross.

24. Iowa (2-1)
Last week- (#23) W 45-21 vs Northern Iowa
This week- @ Ohio St.
Notes: At least they beat one team in Iowa...

25. Clemson (2-1)
Last week- (#20) L 30-36 vs #16 Miami
This week- vs #14 Boston College
Notes: What happened to the running game?

In- Michigan St.
Out- Virginia

As for the heisman, here is the 5 For '05 list:
1. Matt Leinart QB USC
713yds 75.0% 7TD 1INT
This week's projection- 380yds 4TD's

2. Reggie Bush RB USC (+)
20car 211yds 10.6ypc 3TD
7rec yds 1TD
This week's projection- 13car 70 yds / 5rec 85yds 1TD

3. Vince Young QB Texas
544yds 65.0% 5TD 4INT
35car 202yds 1 TD
This week's projection- Idle

4. Laurence Maroney RB Minnesota (+)
67car 481 yds 7.2ypc 7 TD's
4rec 69yds 1TD
This week's projection- 25car 110 yds 2TD's

5. Sam Keller QB Arizona St. (+)
1078yds 62.2% 12TD 1INT
This week's projection- 410yds 4TD's

Horable Mention:
6. Chris Leak QB Florida
7. Brian Calhoun RB Wisconsin
8. Maurice Drew RB UCLA
9. Brian Brohm QB Louisville
10. Drew Stanton QB Michigan St.
11. JaMarcus Russell QB LSU
12. Kellen Clemens QB Oregon

On to the picks, where I am an unimpressive 18-20-2 for the year, but am coming off a good 12-5-1 week.

USC -21 Oregon
I really think we're giving Oregon too much credit. Sure, they're doing a great job with their new Utah/Texas Tech/ol' school BYU style offense, but their secondary is going to get smoked faster than a crack-pipe at Kate Moss' house (or Randy Moss' house for that matter, but that's only once in a blue moon). Think about it, how many #1 teams have been upset in a game where everyone was talking about a possible upset? It never happens (in fact you might say it only happens once in a blue moon, but I digress)! Pete Carroll has been over-hyping Oregon to his boys for three weeks now, and come game time, USC will take care of business.
USC 56 Oregon 27

Tennessee +7 LSU
I think it will just be too much for LSU. Playing back to back top teams, another hurricane threatening the gulf coast. Mix that in with Phil Fullmer doing everything short of getting his fat ass up, and literally pushing hurricane Rita closer to shore, and the fact the Vol's are in full rebound mode after that debacle against Florida, and I'll take the points, thank you very much.
Tennessee 23 LSU 20

Virginia Tech -11.5 Georgia Tech
Mark my words, Chan Gailey will be the downfall of Georgia Tech, and the Reggie Ball era. His play-calling rivals that a retarded moose might make... if the moose was high. I honestly think someone explained the game to him wrong, and he thinks the team with less points at the end of the game is the winner. On to this game specifically, Reggie Ball's viral meningitis may be the most damage an injured ball has ever done to a team since Chris Paul nailed Julius Hodge in the family jewels in their mid-court scuffle last season. Everyone will be watching to see if Krister Greece can keep up what he's been doing against the likes of Buffalo, Duke, and St. Mary's School for the Blind.
Virginia Tech 30 Georgia Tech 16

Florida -23 Kentucky
Since nobody cares about this game, allow me to vent about a completely unrelated topic- mandatory recycling. What the hell is that about? I was under the impression that only hippies, and people who "cared about the environment" recycled. Now I get a letter in the mail that says I have to recycle. Or else what, you'll throw some tofu at me? Hey hippies, go to hell (in a wooden handbasket)!

Georgia -15 Mississippi St.
Even with D.J Shockley's play fluctuating more than Linsay Lohan's weight, Sylvester Croom's boys won't be pulling off the upset here. As for Georgia, is anyone else sensing they might be this years Auburn? The running backs, the running quarterback with surprisingly better decision-making skills than was thought coming into the season, the defense that will not allow its team to lose, and a head coach that no one is really sure about, but needs to get to a BCS bowl soon or else people will start grumbling. Looks like we will have to wait until the Tennessee game (or maybe even the Florida game) to see if they are for real, but if they can play every game like they did in the Boise State game, look out!
Georgia 40 Miss St. 12

Iowa +7 Ohio St.
I actually changed this pick a couple times, but Iowa makes their living off winning Big Ten games on the road. Coming into the year, my biggest concern with Iowa was their running game, but they managed to get 205 yards on the ground in their loss to Iowa State, not to mention how hungry Drew Tate will be for a win after getting knocked out of the Iowa/Iowa St. game early. I think Iowa's star linebacking duo of Chad Greenway and Abdul Hodge will be able to keep Troy Smith in the pocket, and make him beat them passing...which I don't think he can do.
Iowa 24 Ohio St. 20

Louisville -22 South Florida
I have a feeling I may end up regretting this pick, with Andre Hall in the backfield for USF, but I can't really justify going with USF. I mean, they're playing a top 10 team. Even though this may be my only chance to wager on Andre Hall in college, I will have to pass up on it, in lue of common sense (damn common sense, you're such a wet blanket).
Louisville 48 South Florida 17

Minnesota -3.5 Purdue
Just so there is no confusion, I am still on the Purdue bandwagon for the moment, but Brandon Kirsch's performance throwing the ball last week, mixed in with another long flight to play a road game, and the fact Laurence Maroney has been doing his best Eric Dickerson impersonation so far this season may be a sign that it's time for me to get off. This will be a great matchup however, with Purdue's run defense being the best in the nation, but they haven't faced a back, or O-line as talented as Minnesota's.
Minnesota 31 Purdue 23

Clemson -3 Boston College
Following a game like the one they had in Miami, it's tough to predict how Clemson will do, but with Quinton Porter possibly sidelined, and the game being played in Death Valley, I like Clemson here. Although, Boston College does have the "gamebreaker" factor with Will Blackmon always a threatening to take it to the house when he touches it. The "gamebreaker" factor has got to be the best part about college football (next to watching Aaron Taylor do highlights). The closest the NFL has ever come to duplicating it is with Dante Hall a couple years back.
Clemson 20 Boston College 16

Colorado +14 Miami
This line suprised the hell out of me. Do people not understand that a team coming off a big win in OT it almost always going to have a letdown game the next week? Factor in that Colorado actually has a half-way decent team, and I'll take the points.
Miami 21 Colorado 17

Notre Dame -13.5 Washington
As much as I want to go with Ty Willingham here, Washington just plain sucks. I think Washington has a decent chance to keep it within ten points, but I'm not betting against Charlie Weis after a loss, for the same reason I don't bet against Bill Belichick...ever. Period.
Notre Dame 34 Washington 17

Wisconsin +3 Michigan
And you know this is killing me. A lot of streaks collide in Madison, but I just don't see us going on the road and winning to open Big Ten play. Not to mention we're facing a top O-line, and a heisman candidate at running back. I really hope Henne worked out the kinks against Eastern Michigan, and Lloyd Carr finally breaks down and puts Gabe Watson back as the starter. Maybe the best nose tackle in the country, and he hasn't started in two weeks. Very aggravating. With all the injuries we have, benching one of our best players isn't going to help.
Wisconsin 23 Michigan 21

Alabama -16 Arkansas
Following a breakout game against the Gamecocks (hehe...cocks) last week, I like the Crimson Tide to keep rolling over the Razorbacks. (wow, only in the south would they give their football teams nicknames like "Crimson Tide," and "Razorbacks" I'm starting to think we should have another civil war...)
Alabama 28 Arkansas 10

Texas Tech (no line) Larry Bird St.
I think Texas Tech would play grade school teams if they could.
Texas Tech 134 Larry Bird St. 131 (3OT)
(Bird puts up 40/15/10, but in the end, coach Knight gets the better of him)

Upset Special (1-2):
Illinois +10 Michigan St.
This should give the boys over at something to choke on. Let's just say this, if there is a god, throwing a flag down on his favorite football team's home field isn't going to help your chances for the next week. Prepare to be smited, Spartans.
Illinois 33 Michigan St. 30

UN-lock Of The Week:
Here's the thing with my lock of the week: I'm always wrong! So until I can get back up to .500, it will be deemed the "un-lock of the week."
Arizona St. -7 Oregon St.
If anyone is interested, I just got a ticket on the Arizona State bandwagon for REAL cheap. Seriously though, I haven't liked a pac-10 team this much since the days of Joey Harrington to Keenan Howry. Now we have Sam Keller to Derek Hagan, and I may just be riding this bandwagon to the Fiesta bowl. All aboard! (do they have conductors on bandwagons? Oh well, it's a good line to go out on)
Arizona St. 51 Oregon St. 30

And let's hope that I can get back over .500 after it's all said and done this weekend.

Friday, September 23, 2005


My favorite eyetalian was sitting at the counter, eating a canolli when I walked in. Vinny raised his canolli, and thanked me for his car payment this month. I told him that it was an anomaly, and that by week 10, he would be riding the bus again. He asked my if I was gonna take Chicago this week, as he knows I LOVE home dogs, & I had to explain to him my theory of Cincy being this years Colts. He didn't get it, & he wont get my money next week.

After a horrid week 2 killing, I finished 0-3-1, for $270.00 in the hole. Which brings me to a season total of 2-5-1 against the number, & a $600.00 deficit. Not a good way to supplement a bus mechanic's wage.

If I spit the bit this week, look for me as a carney fortune teller, at a fair ground near you.
My wife says I couldn't pick my nose with a head start. She might be on to something there.


Pittsburgh hosts New England this week, in a gauge match. This is the test that both teams need, to see just how good, or bad they are.
This is a classic lunch pail game. Strap it on & bring the pain.
Pittsburgh giving 3 is a &220.00 play

Cincinnati - 3 @ Chicago.
Bears stopped an up & down offense last week in Detroit. Cincinnati is the NOUVEAU offense in theb NFL. Take Cincinnati laying the points for $220.00

Battle of the Bays.....
Tampa brings the Caddy to Green Bay this week. Favre is a Hall Of Famer in waiting, but he would be more comfortable waiting in a recliner. Tampa rolls on the GB squad. Tampa laying 3 is a $110.00 play.

Heres hoping that I can turn this car wreck of a season around right now.

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Week 3 Predictions

Week 3 of the season and some interesting events are shaping the new landscape of several divisions. Minnesota has no offense so far and Chicago found it. The Bengals are playing strong on both sides of the ball, while Baltimore's defense is trying it's best to be as bad as it's offense. In the RB rookie department, it looks like Cadillac is off to a fast start. Arrington and Gore have been no shows so far.

Week 3 predictions

Atlanta 14 at Buffalo 20
Vick may not be able to play this game, Atlanta is 9-19 in games where Vick wasn't able to start.

Oakland 23 at Philadelphia 31
McNabb/Owens should be able to outscore Collins/Moss, but both offenses will be able
to score plenty of points.

New Orleans 35 at Minnesota 17
Brooks should be able to burn the Vikings secondary a few times. Culpepper will
struggle again but I don't think he'll have 5 interceptions this week. If he does,
then I would seriously consider playing your back-up QB the rest of the way. Burleson is listed as doubtful this week due to a knee injury... not that it makes much difference.

Carolina 28 at Miami 17
Davis sure surprised us last week. Delhomme should have a good day this week
along with Smith and Proehl. I may be optimistic to think Miami will get in the end zone twice.

Cincinnati 33 at Chicago 19
The Bears offense woke up last week in a big way, but I don't think they will score as much against the Bengals defense. Palmer and CJ will be successful for a few scores.

Cleveland 13 at Indianapolis 35
Jags shut down Manning last week, but he should be back to his old record breaking self this week. After Sunday Trent Dilfer's least favorite month will be June... as in Cato.

Jacksonville 10 at NY Jets 13
Not looking for much scoring here, but Martin should have a score. Don't look for either QB to have over 200 yards passing.

Tampa Bay 24 at Green Bay 6
Tampa looks like the Bay team this year with a better shot at post season. They are playing well on both sides of the ball.

Tennessee 16 at St Louis 23
Tennessee actually has a better chance of winning this game than they did last week against the Ravens... now that they have upset the cosmic kharma gods the Rams will beat them in a very sloppy game.

Arizona 13 at Seattle 24
Until Arizona can get a running game established, Warner will be throwing close to 300 yards/game and against the Seahawk secondary... that spells trouble.

Dallas 13 at San Francisco 6
Millions of insomniacs will be prescribed to watch this game and will end their sleepless suffering. Dallas can get in the end zone at least once though.

New England 26 at Pittsburgh 23
Vinatieri and Reed are going to have great days. Big Ben has put up some very respectable passing numbers so far this year. If it weren't for the Steeler win last year and the Patriot loss last week, I might be tempted to think the Steelers could win this one.

NY Giants 28 at San Diego 24
The difference in this game will be a Brees interception late in the 4th quarter that sets up the winning score by Manning and Shockey.

Kansas City 27 at Denver 31
I don't know if QG will make much difference here, but Plummer is definitely hotter than Green right now, who has yet to find the end zone with any of his attempts. That should change and Gonzalez will be the recepient.

If I have the time I'll add more detailed predictions regarding key fantasy players, but this week I've been too busy to go into that much depth.
For those interested in my week 2 results, I went 8-8 again. All I can say is.... DAMN YOU SANTANA MOSS!!

Wednesday, September 21, 2005


Week 3 is upon us & it would appear that the Bunnie Farmer & the Hippie are running away with this thing. I think this is the week they forget their hockey helmets & adult diapers.

Here are the standings
Wetboat 19-13
Archer 19-13

Wikkid 16-16 (non commital)
Jimed, Ahelms, & GBin 15-17 (dumber than dirt)
Creek 14-18 (ASSHAT)

This weeks selections are

N.O, L


N.O, L

N.O. L




By The Numbers - Week 2

Time for a look at the fantasy numbers for week 2 – prepare to be swayed, disgusted and reminded …

The Pendulum Swings

What do Donovan McNabb, Trent Dilfer and Santana Moss have in common? They all reversed their previous weekend’s performance, and all three led their respective teams to excellent fantasy and real-life performances. Here’s a look at the game and fantasy numbers (using standard Yahoo scoring):

Donovan McNabb (5 points in week #1) – 5 TDs, 342 yards passing, 1 fumble = 34 fantasy points in a 42-3 dismantling of the 49ers.

Trent Dilfer (5 points in week #1) – 3 TDs, 336 yards passing = 24 fantasy points in a thrilling 26-24 road victory over the sinking Packers.

Santana Moss (4 points in week #1) – 2 TDs, 159 yards receiving = 19 fantasy points in a stunning 14-13 MNF comeback over the hated Cowboys.

Abandon Ship?

What do Peyton Manning, Jamal Lewis and Michael Bennett have in common? They all disappointed fantasy players everywhere with incredibly bad numbers. Here’s a look at the fantasy numbers (using standard Yahoo scoring):

Peyton Manning (2nd greatest QB never to win the big game): 122 yards passing and a pick for a total of zero fantasy points. Good thing for his owners that he only plays against Jacksonville twice a year!

Jamal Lewis (ex-con and ex-stud): 9 yards rushing, 32 yards receiving and one fumble for a total of -1 fantasy point. You expect more from the guy who holds the record for most rushing yards in a game.

Michael Bennett (oft-injured RB of the worst RBBC in the league): 36 yards rushing, -1 yard receiving and two fumbles for a total of -3 fantasy points.

Honorable mention goes to Daunte Culpepper: 236 yards passing, 5 picks. One rushing TD at the end of the game saved him from a second consecutive week in negative fantasy territory.

This Week in Fantasy History

This week, fantasy football history leads us to a game that most fantasy players involved would rather forget.

In week 3 of 2000, the Philadelphia Eagles traveled to the land of cheese to take on the Green Bay Packers. The final score was 6-3. Total fantasy points for the non-kicking offensive players on both rosters combined: 14 (164 yards rushing, 243 yards receiving/passing, 4 interceptions, 1 fumble). The starting QBs were Donovan McNabb and Brett Favre.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Ask The Experts

Ask the Experts is a feature of LOCKERROOM where authorities from outside traditional fantasy sports sources answer your questions. This week's panel:

Emanuel St. Saint - Manny has been a highly regarded designer of football gear for home use for many years. His fishnet hikechute has set the standard for amateur centers everywhere. He also covers red-carpet events for Lubricants Monthly.

Forrest Hardy - CEO & Dean of Admissions of IFF Tech (formerly the Lordsberg Institute for Interstate Trucking, Fantasy Football & Refrigerator Repair), his Commissioner Course was voted one of the Ten Best in Southwestern New Mexico.

Naomi Moon Goldberg - second wife of LR's managing editor & self-appointed fantasy sports psychic, Ms. Goldberg used her astrological skills to predict the two-game fantasy career of Leonard Henry last season & waived this month's alimony in order to use this forum to promote her new book "Holistic Guide to Halftime Sex".

Q: Will Joe Gibbs ever catch on to coaching in the 21st century? Craig Woodbury, Essex Jct., VT.
ESS.: Well, I will tell you that the Joseph Gibbs I know is wide open to new ideas. He was the first to wear my Coaches Corset, to assure a clean, trim line while wearing the clingy synthetics so common in coaching gear. I offered it to Coach Parcells to help him deal with that kangaroo pouch of his and I believe, to this day, that it would have saved his marriage.
FH: Gotta tell ya, Craig - next to Earl Happler, inventor of triple clutching, Coach Gibbs is the most-quoted guy in the textbook for our popular "Weigh Stations & Playstation" course. The classics don't need changin'.
NMG: I have no doubt that if Mr. Gibbs would let the universe call his plays more often, his path to actualization would be much smoother. Getting a player named Santana is a good start, though.

Q: Should I drop Joey Harrington from my dynasty team now, or should I give him the week off to collect himself? Don Egedy, Holland MI.

ESS: Perhaps I should disqualify myself, as I made a number of decorative cast sleeves for Jeff Garcia & am a biiiig fan. I've always been one to give a good-looking man a second chance & maybe he'll get his head together during his bi-week....excuse me?....
b-y-e?!....dump the bitch!
FH: That boy couldn't tell a condenser from a compressor if you spotted him the mounting plate. Tell you what - the light don't stay on when you close his door, if you know what I mean.
NMG: Much as I dislike to fall in with the crowd, I have to make this one unanimous. I was the numerological consultant when they painted that picture of him on the side of a New York skyscraper & I ran his starchart at the time, too. The only way to put it politely is to say that poor, star-crossed boy has way too many of his houses in Uranus.
ESS: Ooooh!

If you could change anything about fantasy football, what would it be? Terry Spitzer, Pismo Beach CA.
ESS: Double the points for tight ends & hold more greased, naked drafts with a Twister board determining draft position.
FH: Make the newbies take my mail order course "NFL/CDL - Know the Difference" complete with Draft-Rating Wishmirror, $49.95 at
NMG: Less emphasis on scoring & more VBD by ascending sunsigns.

Monday, September 19, 2005




Hi, I'm wikkidpissah - maybe you've heard of me. For a stunt performed in respomse to those who failed to take me at my word when I claimed to have been wronged in my 1st week in their league, I have become a pariah in the fantasy football community. In the past few days, I've been called a baby, a lunatic, a terrorist & more. A Fanball moderator even exposed himself to significant legal liability in order that I might be better punished. And guess what? I couldn't care less. I only wish my real life (try one) hadn't kept me away from the boards for much of the weekend so I could've enjoyed watching the fishwives stone their harlot on a more live basis. Fact is, I answered the first message I received about what damage my actions would cause beyond my league with a promise to rectify (which did not stop the recipient from letting his passions turn into inane speculations about my possible future actions throughout the weekend). When I returned to my computer Sunday evening, I roared over the amount of time & space wasted by busybodies pretending to know both my actions & motives, then promptly fulfilled my Saturday AM promises. Please, please, please think of me what you will - for I now know your colors far better than you'll ever know mine. nufced.

I'll spare you a game-by-game recap this week since it likely won't be why you'll be reading this. Just a few observations. Keep your wet noodles at the ready, though - I'll be here every Monday.

- Has a team ever stuck longer with a QB who shows so little ability to lead a team to victory than the Lions?
- Wasn't impressed with him in college, but Cadillac Williams runs not only well, but tough.
- Kudos to those who saw a dramatic fallback for Peyton Manning - I did not.
- Are you surprised by how many marquee RBs have sucked dead bones?
- I'm gonna reserve judgement 'til they play a real defense, but the Bengals are my new favorite team.
- All due respect to Chad Johnson, but there are still only two receivers who change the way a game is played & you know who they are.
- Is the Titans defense not as bad as I thought or is the Raven offense reeeeeeally awful?
- I sure hope as a fan he comes around & closes his career on a positive note, but Bret Favre is playing old.
- They may have taken advantage of the aforeslurred Ravens' offense last week, but the Colts' defense made the Jags' offense look as limp this week as they looked crisp last.
- Are the Steelers the most oddly competent team you've ever seen? Still gonna wait 'til he faces the Pats before putting Wicked Willie Parker up for the HOF.
- The Tampa Bay renewed defensive excellence is not a mirage
- Who's worse - the NL West or the NFC West?
- Defenses take note: Take away Tom Brady's rhythm & he won't hurt you.
- Is it wrong that watching Oakland lose makes me so happy?

Nufced for now. I will comment no further on Smackgate. Feel free to take your shots, but do try to make them entertaining.

Sunday, September 18, 2005


Will Laveranues catch more balls now?

1. This weekend is the NFL's Hurricane Relief Weekend. I've been informed that windy players like Terrell Owens will not be in uniform. *ducks tomato*

2. A story broke in today's New York Times (New Trust Lets Coles Share Secret, 9/18/05) about Laveranues Coles' past. As a Washington Redskins fan, I was thrilled when Laveranues signed with the team two years ago. He was very fearless on the field and truly made a difference in the Redskins' passing attack -- if there was one. He was always counted on to catch a pass down the middle, even if it meant getting his slight, small frame drilled by a linebacker or safety. Every time he couldn't hold on to the ball (in most cases due to bad passes by Ramsey or Brunell), I stood up and applauded his every effort because he knew he was exposing himself to injury even going after an uncatchable ball.

I always believed he really worked for the team, and never let his ego get in his way. I was shocked and disappointed when Laveranues bellyached about his lack of involvement in Joe Gibbs' offense, and demanded to be traded, even if it meant a huge salary cap hit for the Redskins and, ultimately, putting his own teammates' futures with the Redskins at risk. He really subsumed his ego to contribute to the Redskins, and two years later, his ego showed in his whining about his role on the team. I wrote him off as a classless hypocrite and privately hoped he would find more disappointment in his return to the Jets -- and get roasted by the eternally touchy New York media.

Today's story in the New York Times has upended my perceptions of a player who gave the Redskins so much promise with his speed and hands, and much grief with his exit and major salary cap hit. It is very brave of him to come forward with a dark chapter in his past. That would explain his contradictory actions -- he commits to a team and gives 110%, and at other times he drops everything and jumps ship. Joe Gibbs demands loyalty, and he expects every one of his players to really contribute, even if it means forgoing a central role in the Redskins' efforts to make the playoffs and win a Super Bowl. He was very disappointed in Laveranues Coles' actions, because he bent over backwards to include him as a speedy decoy that would help set up Clinton Portis' running attack.

Laveranues becomes very prickly when he perceives that he is not getting the support he believes he deserves from a team. He was so upset with Florida State's lack of emotional support when he was caught shoplifting with Peter Warrick, so much so that prior to every Monday Night Football game when each player introduces himself, his position, and his college, Laveranues makes a point of introducing his high school, not FSU. Gibbs could have seen that one coming when he emphasized his power running game which places less emphasis on wide receivers.

Here is hoping that Laveranues' disclosure today, and the Jets' support of him, translates into a truly productive Laveranues Coles on and off the field. Because if Chad Pennington is going to continue to be the player he was against the Chiefs last week, Laveranues will have a lot of work cut out for him, and he will need to maintain his patience in his quarterback and support the Jets in the process. I'm really looking forward to watching today's Jets-Dolphins game.

3. Kyle Boller won't get his starting job back. His ability to throw 65 yards downfield on one knee -- which he demonstrated as a Cal Berkeley senior in the runup to the 2002 NFL draft -- attracted a few suckers who were desperate for a quarterback with a strong arm. When Brian Billick couldn't get Byron Leftwich (during what was my favorite NFL draft moment when the Vikings dropped 3 picks without realizing it), he traded up to get Boller. Today, Leftwich is gradually becoming a very productive quarterback in this league, while Boller hasn't shown us a lot. Oh yeah, he could heave the deep ball, but...

Guys, how often must you realize that powerful QB arms won't do anything in the NFL unless they are accurate?

4. Will this be the year NOT to start a Denver RB in fantasy football? Mike Anderson is playing hurt, Tatum "Taco" Bell isn't showing a lot of burrito (and is oft-injured too), Quentin Griffin is too short and barely a year removed from his ACL injury to be truly effective, and Ron Dayne.....*giggle*. This is the perfect time for Crazy Coach Shanahan to roll out his annual low-round draft pick and run him to football glory. Except that, this year, he turned this low-round draft pick into a third-round pick and used it on Maurice Clarett! Marion Barber, Brandon Jacobs, and Ciatrick Fason were still available and ripe for the picking. Brandon Jacobs ran like a man possessed last week, smoke steaming from his nostrils, and looking like he would explode in a manic celebration every time he gained yards or scored a TD. He truly "played angry." Now imagine Jacobs in the Denver backfield. I can hear Skeevie Stevie crying in his surgical mask.

Brandon Jacobs will take over the mantle of "The Bus" when Jerome Bettis retires.

Saturday, September 17, 2005

On the Hash... Marks... Kinda

Let me start by saying that my computer didn't save the column I worte for this (which I wrote part of last night & part of the night before), so I had to do a makeshift version of my column for this week, but we will be back to the format I had last week, next week. Anyway, let's get to the top 25:

1. USC
2. Texas
3. LSU
4. Virginia Tech
5. Tennessee
6. Georgia
7. Florida
8. Ohio State
9. Purdue
10. Boston College
11. Florida State
12. Notre Dame
13. Louisville
14. Georgia Tech
15. California
16. Michigan
17. Arizona State
18. Miami
19. Texas Tech
20. Clemson
21. Alabama
22. Iowa St.
23. Iowa
24. Virginia
25. UCLA

Heisman 5 for '05:
1. Matt Leinart
2. Vince Young
3. Reggie Bush
4. Laurence Maroney
5. Omar Jacobs

Now onto the games, where I am an doing my best Derek Lowe impression, and have gone 6-15-1 to start the year. but as D-Lowe, I will pick it up once my team is 5 games back and the most dangerous hitter in baseball has returned to my rival team... Well maybe it won't be exactly like that, but you get the point. (sorry there are no capsules, but I had to get it done. Stupid computers!!!)

USC -32 Arkansas

Texas -40 Rice

Virginia Tech -34 Ohio

Ohio St. -27.5 SDSU

Notre Dame -6.5 Michigan St.

Louisville -13.5 Oregon St.

UConn +15 Georgia Tech

California -21 Illinois

Michigan -29 Eastern Michigan

Arizona St. -14.5 Northwestern

Texas Tech (no line) Sam Houston St.

Clemson +7 Miami

Alabama -2.5 South Carolina

UCLA -6.5 Oklahoma

Boston College +1 FSU

Florida -6 Tennessee

Upset Special (0-2): Syracuse +8 Virginia

Lock Of The Week (0-2): Purdue -7.5 Arizona

I certainly hope I can improve, and it sucks I lost everything I had for this week, but I'll be back with reviews, previews, heisman info, game picks, and more next week. Until then, I'm Creek, and you're not.

Thursday, September 15, 2005


I gotta tell you, I hate the first week or two of the NFL season. The Vegas wiseguys are not quite zoned in yet, and the numbers are usually as far off as a sociopaths CAT SCAN readings.

Week 2 finds me 2-2 against the numbers. While .500 is good at a lot of things, gamblin aint one of them. You gots ta pay da vig, its what keeps bookies alive & kicking.

I find myself $330.00 in the hole from a bizarre week 1 wagers. Here's hoping I can turn it around, so I can spend my winnings eating poi & pineapples at the Shorebird on sunny Waikiki.

This weeks picks.

Baltimore - 4 @ Tennessee. Baltimores defense played a great 30 minutes of football last Sunday night. Unfortunately, the games last 60 min. They shut down the Colts, no small task for a non Belicheck D. Tennessee never showed up last week. Different week, same results for Tenn. $110.00 on Baltimore -4

Atlanta +1 @ Seattle. Mike Holmgren will be pulling his hair out, wishing he was back in Green Bay by the third quarter. Shaun Alexander will get few chances to run, as a much improved M. Vick marches up and down the field, like Germany through Poland. Atlanta + 1 gets $110.00

San Diego and Denver both threw up stinkers last week. But at least San Diego looked like they cared. San Diego +3 gets the lock of the week. $330.00 goes on the nose

Parlay special------- Usually I feel parlays are for suckers, but I feel this week that these 2 teams will make the number. $50.00 parlay Pittsburgh -6 & Detroit - 2. At 13/5 odds, I'll gladly take their $130.00 on this one.

Well guys, there it is. Don't let my misstep last week get you down. I will make you money this year, keep the faith.

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Week 2 Predictions

*Imagine there's a recent NFL photo here*

Just to keep tabs of how I'm doing, I'll start the new week's article with a summary of how I did last week. Week 1 is so hard to predict without the current stats to go on, but I went .500 at 8-8, which I won't complain about. There's room for plenty of improvement and I didn't totally suck.

Speaking about totally sucking.... how about that Bronco offense!! How embarrasing it must be to have to deal with that loss to open the season. Frerotte must like S. Florida, if he keeps up those types of performances he'll have a good shot at staying there for a while. We'll see if this is trend or mirage with the Jets D this week. Plenty of new TE's to mention, but I'm glad that Pollard and Heath Miller both had good days. Anderson and Alex Smith could be consistent impact players on their respective offenses.

One final note about last week... what happened with the QB's not being able to hold onto the ball? I don't know how many had fumbles, but it was a very disturbing epidemic that came out of nowhere.

Let's hit it!

Baltimore 24 at Tennessee 7
According to Simms article on today it sounds like Boller is not going to play this week due to injury, which could help Wright win the starting job with a good showing this week. The Titans D is struggling, so Wright has an excellent chance of taking over the #1 spot for the rest of the season. I've been wanting Boller out of there for a few years now. Wright may not have ALL the attributes of a star QB, but at least he has an arm. If Wilcox has another decent outing this week it may spell the end of Heap being the Ravens #1 go-to guy. Things are changing on that offense this year, so it's worth keeping an eye on.

Boller 7/17 120 0td 1int or
Wright 17/28 210 2td 1int
Lewis 65 1td
Mason 115 1td
Clayton 50 0td
Heap 65 1td
Stover 3xp/1fg
DEF 2s/2i/0f

McNair 22/34 220 1td 1int
Brown 80 0td
Henry (?)
Bennett 80 1td
Calico 60 0td
Troupe 50 0td
Kinney 30 0td
Bironas 1xp
DEF 1s/1i/0f

Buffalo 14 at Tampa Bay 20
Losman had an easy time of it with the Texans secondary, and still didn't put up numbers that could be called impressive. He'll struggle this week. Both offenses will have lower output this week. This will be a duel of stellar defenses and running backs.

Losman 21/34 185 0td 2int
mcGahee 115 2td
Moulds 50 0td
Evans 75 0td
Lindell 2xp
DEF 4s/2i/0f

Griese 16/32 190 1td 2int
Williams 90 1td
Clayton 75 1td
Galloway 90 0td
Smith 25 0td
Bryant 2xp/2fg
DEF 3s/2i/1f

Detroit 24 at Chicago 10
First of all, I'd like to congratulate Charles Rogers for staying healthy beyond week one of the NFL season. Keep up the good work... and get in the end zone this week! I'm cautious with the success of the Lions passing attack aginst that Bears secondary, but with Harris taking over for Green... I think there's something there for the Lions to take advantage of this week.

Harrington 21/34 220 2td 1int
Jones 80 1td
RWilliams 40 1td
Rogers 80 1td
MWilliams 50 0td
Pollard 50 0td
Hanson 3xp/1fg
DEF 3s/1i/1f

Orton 16/30 175 1td 1int
Jones 70 0td
Benson 30 0td
Muhammad 65 0td
Gage 30 1td
Brien 1xp/1fg
DEF 3s/1i/0f

Jacksonville 17 at Indianapolis 27
The Colts D was impressive last week against the Ravens, this week should make it two in a row. Jimmy Smith had an awesome week against a Hawks secondary that didn't look very good. Can he get in the end zone 2 weeks in a row?

Leftwich 16/28 190 1td 2int
Taylor 95 0td
Jones 25 1td
Smith 90 1td
Williams 30 0td
Scobee 2xp/1fg
DEF 3s/1i/0f

Manning 23/35 255 2td 1int
James 80 1td
Harrison 70 1td
Wayne 60 1td
Stokley 50 0td
Utecht 30 0td
Vanderjagt 3xp/2fg
DEF 3s/2i/1f

Minnesota 20 at Cincinnati 24
Hmm.... Culpepper without Moss was a totally different beast. The Bengals D isn't as tough as the Bucs, but it won't be much better this week. On the other side of the ball for the Bengals O... they looked like a team that was clicking on all cylinders. The Vikings d will be a little more of a test than the Browns were.

Palmer 23/32 250 2td 1int
RJohnson 100 1td
CJohnson 75 1td
THoushmandzadeh 60 0td
Walter 50 1td
Graham 3xp/1fg
DEF 1s/2i/1f

Culpepper 22/33 275 1td 2int
Bennett 50 0td
Williams 30 1td
Burleson 60 1td
Taylor 40 0td
Robinson 35 0td
Wiggins 40 0td
Edinger 2xp/2fg
DEF 2s/1i/0f

New England 21 at Carolina 17
This one could swing Carolina's way if they can establish a decent running game. I think most of Foster's 60 yards will be passing yards though, so I wouldn't bet on the Panthers having much more than 100 yards on the ground. Let's see if they can also have some success throwing to their TE like the Raiders just did last week.

Delhomme 20/33 240 2td 1int
Davis 80 0td
Foster 60 0td
Smith 100 1td
Colbert 80 0td
Mangum 35 1td
Kasay 2xp/1fg
DEF 1s/0i/0f

Brady 20/32 230 2td 0int
Dillon 95 1td
Branch 75 1td
Givens 30 0td
Brown 50 0td
Watson 45 1td
Vinatieri 3xp
DEF 1s/1i/0f

Pittsburgh 31 at Houston 7
Ride the Willie Parker train again while it's hot. The Titans D was only slightly better than the Texans will be this week, so look for similar numbers. Carr is suppose to be coming of age this year, but starting the year off against Buffalo and then Pittsburgh is tough. Don't expect miracles this week.

Carr 15/26 140 0td 1int
Davis 110 1td
Johnson 75 0td
Brown 1xp
DEF 0s/1i/0f

Roethlisberger 14/21 215 1td 1int
Parker 120 2td
Haynes 40 0td
Ward 40 0td
Randle El 70 1td
Miller 30 0td
Reed 4xp/1fg
DEF 4s/1i/1f +td

San Francisco 13 at Philadelphia 30
Surprising performance by the 49ers offense to beat the Rams last week. I don't think the Eagles D with Trotter will be as yielding. I'm also hoping McNabb can play an error free game this week.

McNabb 19/31 240 2td 0int
Westbrook 90 1td
Gordon 45 0td
Owens 85 1td
Lewis 45 0td
Smith 30 1td
Akers 3xp/3fg
DEF 4s/2i/1f

Rattay 12/22 150 0td 2int
Barlow 35 1td
Gore 40 0td
Lloyd 70 0td
Battle 50 0td
Nedney 1xp/2fg
DEF 0s/0i/0f

Atlanta 23 at Seattle 21
If Vick could only pass the ball, he could have a similar outcome as Leftwich just had against this secondary. I think the Falcons will still win it, but it will be a close one.

Hasselbeck 23/37 265 2td 2int
Alexander 90 1td
Jackson 75 1td
Engram 85 0td
Stevens 40 1td
Brown 3xp
DEF 3s/1i/1f

Vick 13/24 160 0td 1int r(60 1td)
Dunn 85 0td
Duckett 35 1td
Jenkins 70 0td
Crumpler 45 0td
Peterson 2xp/3fg
DEF 2s/2i/0f

St Louis 24 at Arizona 20
Last weeks games by both of these tteams was pathetic, whoever wins this one will be by default. I'm predicting a Rams win just based on the fact that Bulger has less of a chance of turning the ball over than Warner does. But he will be under pressure all day. A last minute touchdown saves the Rams from going 0-2 to start the season.

Bulger 28/42 330 2td 1int
Jackson 65 1td
Holt 130 1td
Bruce 60 1td
Curtis 60 0td
Wilkins 3xp/1fg
DEF 0s/2i/0f

Warner 26/40 275 1td 2int
Arrington 30 1td
Boldin 60 1td
Fitzgerald 55 0td
Rackers 2xp/2fg
DEF 4s/1i/0f

Cleveland 13 at Green Bay 14
The glory days of high scoring football at Lambeau are over for the time being. Last week the Packers were only able to muster a FG against the Lions. They should be able to score a few TD's this week against the Browns, but I wouldn't expect much more than that. Hard to believe a Packers game could be called a snoozefest.

Favre 24/37 255 1td 1int
Green 80 1td
Driver 60 0td
Franks 40 1td
Longwell 2xp
DEF 1s/2i/0f

Dilfer 23/41 230 0td 2int
Droughns 80 1td
Bryant 100 0td
Jackson 75 0td
Heiden 35 0td
Dawson 1xp/2fg
DEF 1s/1i/0f

Miami 13 at NY Jets 17
The defenses in this one are just too good to think there's going to be much action on the scoreboard. I'm thinking Frerotte has a harder time with the Jets secondary, but Pennington won't fair any better with the Phins. Martin and the Jets running game makes the difference.

Pennington 18/29 210 1td 1int
Martin 115 1td
Coles 65 1td
McCareins 50 0td
Baker 50 0td
Nugent 2xp/1fg
DEF 2s/1i/0f

Frerotte 25/35 250 1td 1int
Brown 65 0td
Chambers 75 1td
Booker 60 0td
McMichael 65 0td
Mare 1xp/2fg
DEF 2s/1i/0f

San Diego 31 at Denver 30
I'd love to be a homer and pick my Broncos to win this one, but I'm already giving them too much benefit of the doubt by making this one as close as I have it. If the Broncos don't get a decent running game going this week, they will be down by a few touchdowns in this one easily. That's a sad state of affairs since the Bronco running game has been such a stalwart during Shanny's tenure. On the positive side, I think the Broncos secondary will cause Brees some problems, so the Chargers will probably look to LT more this week.

Brees 21/33 210 2td 1int
Tomlinson 125 2td
McCardell 60 1td
Gates 70 1td
Kaeding 4xp/1fg
DEF 2s/1i/0f

Plummer 20/34 260 2td 1int
Bell 65 1td
Anderson 30 0td
Smith 60 0td
Lelie 75 1td
Putzier 75 1td
Elam 3xp/3fg
DEF 1s/1i/0f

Kansas City 28 at Oakland 23
I like the new Chiefs Defense, DJ is going to have a big year. Oakland will have problems stalling out near or just beyond the red zone, so Janikowski is going to have a decent day. The way Holmes and Johnson split duty last week is exactly what the doctor ordered for keeping Holmes healthy as long as possible, that will be happening every week. For a RBBC, the Chiefs version actually doesn't hurt anyone too bad. Just pretend LJ and Holmes are both feature backs for a "typical" team.

Collins 21/43 255 2td 2int
Jordan 90 0td
Moss 120 1td
Porter 50 1td
Anderson 25 0td
Janikowski 2xp/3fg
DEF 0s/1i/0f

Green 23/35 280 2td 1int
Holmes 85 1td
Johnson 70 1td
Kennison 75 1td
Gonzalex 80 1td
Tynes 4xp
DEF 3s/2i/0f

Monday Night's Double Header
Washington 16 at Dallas 21
Who will be the starting QB at Dallas this week for the Skins? Brunell is my guess. Simms also had the same feeling, and he also added that Ramsey wasn't losing his starting job due to a slight injury last Sunday. Either way, I don't see the Redskin passing game having much success against the Cowboy secondary. I also don't see Bledsoe having an interception-free afternoon this week against the Skins D.

Bledsoe 17/31 230 2td 2int
Jones 90 1td
Crayton 80 1td
Glenn 60
Witten 30 1td
Cortez 3xp
DEF 2s/2i/0f

Brunell 14/25 170 0td 1int
Portis 100 1td
Moss 65 0td
Cooley 40 0td
Hall 1xp/3fg
DEF 3s/2i/1f

NY Giants 27 at New Orleans 28
Maybe the whole Katrina thing can be used as a 'rallying the troops' kind of thing for the Saints this year. If their D can hold the Giants offense to just 2 td's, then I think they can win this one. McAllister will have to have a good day, too. The Giants D may be a little better this year than it was last year. They looked good last week. The special teams were extraordinary.

Brooks 20/34 240 2td 1int
McAllister 95 2td
Horn 75 1td
Stallworth 50 1td
Conwell 80 0td
Carney 4xp
DEF 1s/0i/1f

Manning 12/25 160 1td 0int
Barber 120 0td
Jacobs 40 1td
Burress 75 0td
Shockey 15 1td
Feely 2xp/2fg
DEF 3s/1i/0f +td

By The Numbers - Week 1

Time for a look at the fantasy numbers for week 1 – prepare to be dismayed, amazed and reminded …

Oh, How The Mighty Have Fallen

What do Daunte Culpepper, Brett Favre and Chad Pennington have in common? They all sucked on the same weekend, and all three led their respective teams to less than stellar fantasy and real-life performances. Here’s a look at the game and fantasy numbers (using standard Yahoo scoring):

Daunte Culpepper (consensus #2 QB in fantasy circles) – 0 TDs, 233 yards passing, 3 picks, 2 fumbles = -5 fantasy points

2004 Game #1 performance (vs. Dal): 5 TDs, 242 yards passing, 25 yards rushing = 35 fantasy points

Brett Favre (top #5 QB in most preseason rankings) – 0 TDs, 201 yards passing, 2 picks, 1 fumble = -2 fantasy points

2004 Game #1 performance (vs. Car): 1 TD, 143 yards passing = 8 fantasy points

Chad Pennington (serviceable QB with a new scheme in 2005) – 0 TDs, 264 yards passing, 1 pick, 2 fumbles = -2 fantasy points

2004 Game #1 performance (vs. Cin): 2 TDs, 224 yards passing = 16 fantasy points

Out of Their Heads

What do Alex E. Smith, Courtney Anderson and Frisman Jackson have in common? They all performed far beyond real-life and fantasy expectations, and the two tight ends (that’s right, the toughest fantasy position to predict) scored two TDs each!

Here’s a look at the game and fantasy numbers (using standard Yahoo scoring):

Alex E. Smith (rookie out of Stanford): 2 TDs, 4 catches for 34 yards

Courtney Anderson (13 receptions, 1 TD all of last year): 2 TDs, 3 catches for 18 yards

Frisman Jackson (3rd year, undrafted out of Western Illinois): 1 TD, 8 catches for 128 yards

This Week in Fantasy History

For each coming week, I’ll take a look at great performances in fantasy football history. Let’s start with the least-respected position in football, the placekicker.

In week 2 of 2003, Billy Cundiff of the Dallas Cowboys booted 7 field goals in a game against the NY Giants, including the game winner in OT. Total fantasy points: 25.

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Ask The Experts

Welcome to another edition of "Ask The Experts." We have three new experts with us, who are apart of the LOCKERROOM family. Let's have a look at them, shall we?

Dr. Hao Long D.D.S
The man who performed Jamal Lewis' root canal, and noted dentist to the stars. He was born in Japan, but moved to California when it was discovered that all Asians must live in California at one time or another. He is also part owner in a clocks and oral pain relief themed store called "Tooth hurty." His other famous clients include: Michael Strahan, Dakota Fanning, and all of Great Britian.

Lil' Stabby McShanksalot
The hottest rapper out right now, who is blowing up the charts with his hit single "Hit the Bitch in the Face with a Tire Iron," off his his first CD entitled "Tryin' not to Get Killed, or Die Tryin.'" McShanksalot grew up on the mean streets of Poverty town, which was renamed "Detroit" during the Taft-Sherman administration.

Bill "Last Place" Sullivan
The worst fantasy football player of all-time. "Last Place" has not finished better than last place in any league. His recent 1st round draft picks include: Ricky Williams, Eddie George, Lamar Smith, James Stewart, & Kordell Stewart. The problem is he all drafted them the year their stats took a significant plunge, or they briefly retired to travel the world with Mary Jane.

Now on to the mailbag:

I have Willie Parker in a keeper league, and was wondering whether I should trade him now, or hold on to him. What do you guys think?
-Clancy W. Tulsa, Ok

HL- This is an easy one, keep him. This could very well be the bus' last year, and Duce is a crown of his former self (a little dental humor), so within a year or two, I wouldn't be suprised to see Parker fill the Michael Strahan sized gap that will be left in Pittburgh's backfield.

SMc- You must be trippin', bruh. You really need to ask dis? Trade his ass now before he da greyhound is back in bidness. Once da bus is back on da highway, ain't no tellin' how much time Willie will see.

BS- Trade him of course! I have already picked up Verron Hayes in all my leagues, because he is a flat out better back than Parker, and will take his job this week during practice. Count on it.

OMGRZZZ!!!! Daunte Culpepper sucked last week! I just got offered Gus Ferotte and Larry Johnson for him. Should I accept?
Greg T. St. Pete, Fl

HL- If you're considering doing this, a dentist isn't the doctor you need to be talking to. Daunte is still Daunte, and, well, Gus Ferotte is still Gus Ferotte. You're an idot.

SMc- Yo son, you best stay away from Johnson. I saw him at da club saturday night before da game, and he was gettin' messed up. Sad part was, he wasn't even gettin' no play from the chickenhead he was hollerin' at. I wonder what ended up happenin' with that...

BS- Do it! Week one is always a good indication of how the season will turn out. I have already traded away Culpepper, Donovan McNabb, Jamal Lewis, & Andre Johnson off my various teams. I still will never understand how I got my nickname...

Which 3 WR/TE should I start this week, with my main WR Javon Walker out? Antonio Gates (@Den), Nate Burleson (@Cin), Lee Evans (@TB) Antwan Randel El (@Hou), Chris Baker (@MIA). Thanx, you guys are the best.
Jimbo Fairfield, NJ

HL- I would go with Antonio Gates (who I like to refer to as "Pearly Whites") in his first game back. Then follow that up with Nate Burleson, who will rebound this week, and Antwan Randle El, who becomes very valuable with teams doubling Ward.

SMc- Gotta go with my boyyyyyyyys, Randle El, Evans, and Burleson. They all showed up at my album release party. Didn't get to thank dem because of all the gunshots, but dey my dawgs.

BS- Chris Baker for sure, and trade the rest to get Patrick Crayton, and Frisman Jackson. I'm so smart!!!


Well week 1 is in the books, and it would look like Archer is in mid season form. The rest of us couldnt find our asses with both hands in week 1. but don't worry faithless readers, I'm sure the Okie will stumble into the still & let the rest of the drool bib crowd right back in this thing.

Archer 11-5
Wetboat 9-7
Wikkidpissah 8-8
GBIN 8-8
Creek 8-8
Ahelms 7-9
Jimed 7-9

Week 2 picks


ST. L. W

ST. L. W





ST. L, W

Monday, September 12, 2005

Monday Morning Waterback

Aaaaaah - does it get any better than this?! Multiple screens, 47 remotes, laptop with streaming results by my season is here. With the relish of a 6yo who just got his school supplies for the new year, I settle in to the blissful anticipation and somehow perfect order of the season's first multi-game action. Some dig the face-painting, beer-sucking, fist-shaking, standing & sitting like a spastic nun pleasures of being there, but i'm a fantasy football fan - gimme the do-i-have-him?, aw-i-BENCHED-that-2TD-scoring-TE, rooting-for-a-team-down-24-0-to-score-so-the-opposition-dont-rest-their-starters maelstrom only a guy who knows Adimchinobe Echemandu's alma mater can appreciate. Baby, it's back!

If I saw a trend today, it was too many plays & substitutions. If the season's first game aint the time to find a groove upon which to build variations, I don't know when that time is. Throw 19 cans of fruit cocktail into the Jello & it won't set, fellas. One can expand upon simplicity & competence a lot better than one can contract from the complex. Put down the wristbands with the New Testament written on em & let these boys play some ball, for crissakes.

OK, let's look at some games:

WASH 9 - CHI 7: Who thought Nick & Jessica's murderization of patriotic tunes would be the highlight of this'n? Well, actually, I did - having predicted a scoreless tie on the boards. Man, Pat Ramsey has to be football's unluckiest guy - a rookie season of unholy sackings, sophomore year trying to convince your football-genius coach that you don't suck dead bones.....ok, third year's a charm...looking cool...acting sharp...finally feelin comfy at the contr...BOOOOM, lets bounce his head off the turf til Jessica appears to have more teats than a pregnant cat & the wearing of hog noses & dresses starts to make sense.... Thought: Clinton Portis may be my favorite player. Always runt of the litter at The U but always puttin em over the top; afterthought who proves to be the best open-field runner in ball at Denver; putting on unnatural weight to help Gibbsy relive his manlove for Riggo; a name that sounds more like a female body part than any of Seinfeld's deserve better, buddy. Finally (and who thought i'd have this much to say about such an awful game), Kyle Orton mighta been a good QB, but the PTSD from starting out of the gate has ruined better than he. Gotta HATE the Lovie!

KC 27 - NYJ 7: Let's buy a drink for whoever announced on Fanball that he was starting Priest AND LJ....genius!! The D shot the gaps & the O tried reeeeal hard not to score on every play....look out, world - its gonna take a lot to beat the Chiefs this season. Penny starts the looong list of QBs that sucked more than JPLosman.

JAX 26 - SEA 14: There may be rookies who end up with better #s than Matt Jones, but there will be no rookie who has a greater impact on his team's offensive success. The sets, shifts, motions & options they ran in Wonderhonky's debut had the Seasucks positively dizzy. Del Rio expands on this & da Cats go far.

CIN 27 - CLE 13: Finally - a team the Queen City can be proud of that DOESN'T have Cris Collinsworth on it! I can not imagine a better move than Marv's sittin Rudi for the start of this one. He meant bidness, his team meant bidness...verrry professional effort. With turnarounds like those happening in CIN & JAX, the disparity between AFC & NFC is just gonna be sick this season.

NO 23 - CAR 20: Somebody get Jake-not-Snake a Jetski, a jetpack, a Jet's cheerleader, summin that takes the thrill-junkie outta him. He actually looks like is playin for the nailbiting finish now. Well, sometimes you da windshield, boy, and sometimes you da bug. Can't imagine a better morale-booster for the unfortunate city of Nawlins short of the public execution of Tom Benson. Oh, and, btw, Coach Fox - trash the RBBC. There's only one back in your committee makes that offense sing....wait for it....Nick Goings.

BUF 22 - HOU 7: I can save time & column space by here listing the QBs who sucked worse than JPLosman: Pennington, Dilfer, Carr, Orton, Griese, C-Pep. Favre, Brees, Warner, Eli. And check out this list of some who played better: Bledsoe, Joey, Rattay, Frerotte, Ruthlessbergerfrickle. Weird game, aint it?.... Dom Capers should never be allowed to coach more than two years anywhere. He can make bad players play good, but hasn't a clue how to take honest talent to the next level. The Texans went into full-blown panic down 9-0 early 2nd quarter. Even against a badmammajamma D like the Bills have, that's shameful.

PGH 34 - TENN 7: The Titan's may have the worst defense in recent memory. Combine that with their overplaying of Hines Ward & you have the stone lousiest performance in Titan history. Wait one more game before putting Willie Parker in the HOF, btw.

TB 24 - MINN 13: Brian Griese began his 2nd-yr regression right on time, Caddy almost gave up after spending the 1st half tryin to hit holes smaller than a pitboss' heart & the Bucs still made Minny look mini. If Mewelde or Ciatrick (baby's book of names allstars) dont upgrade that running game, they're gonna hafta go Vince-Young-shotgun or summin. And thank you, Eric Johnson - had Alex Smith as your backup on two teams.

MIA 34 - DEN 10: Only the Titan defense had a worse day than the Denver offense. Not a Bronco-sized hole to run thru all day, but that didnt stop Jake the Fake from runnin uglyass play-actions all freakin day. Phins played a spirited game for their new leader, but that is one sorry o-line you got there, Nicky. Don't order your playoff tix yet, PhinPhans.

DAL 28 - SD 24: Here in New Mexico, we get all the Cowboy games and, every preseason, they have one WR outta nowhere who lights the place up (Reggie Swinton, Randal Williams) then settles back to the pack. Patrick Crayton may be f'real, tho. Gimme another week & I'll tell ya if he's worth a dynasty claim. And its always nice to watch Bledsoe play before the battle fatigue sets in. Chargers did nothing to refute my selection of them as back-where-u-belong franchise for '05.


NYG 42 - ARIZ 19: I don't follow college football, but Cal-Berkeley musta had a hella roadgrading o-line last yr, cuz I've seen most of JJArrington's carries so far this season (exhib +) & have yet to see him hit a hole like he's done it before. That & the lapses that always seem to befall DGreen-coached teams, could undermine a team with a number of exciting athletes. Eli looked better, but how could he not.

IND 24 - BAL 7: Kinda thought the Indy defense was in trouble, with two major acquisitions late in the preseason, but I guess Dungy knew what he was doing. Tellya, last night's D with last year's O is one scary thought. And, nothin against Boller, but how can you NOT want a guy named awright runnin your team.

Well, I've barely even looked to see how my nine fantasy teams did. Plenty of time for that - I'll have them all (and their opponents) memorized by Week 4. The BirdsO'Prey Bowl looks like it'll be fun tonite, although I'm sure the MNF crew will WAY o'erplay the TO-DMac thang. Later, hard -

Sunday, September 11, 2005

Walker out for season with torn ACL

You guys have probably heard this already...but WOW! Talk about huge news for fantasy owners around the country only 1 week into the season (and also horrible news for huge Pack fans like myself....need to change my name to '07 now, ugh.)

If this is true, clearly the fantasy values of Driver, Ahman and Longwell all increase, Longwell could end up a top kicker for the entire season since the Pack figure to get to the 30yd line and stall all season long now. Ahman will become even more of a focal point and Driver becomes Favre's main guy. Last time Driver was the #1 I believe he has 1,100 and 9TDs, so not too shabby...

All in all, this most likely leaves several teams without their #1 FF WR....If you need some hot pickups, don't overlook guys like Plax, Santana Moss (96 yds this sunday, quietly), and Randle- el (deep threat now for big ben?)...there are others but those were just 3 I could see somehow not being drafted or easy to trade for from some owner stockpiled with WR....

Goodnight from this disappointed Packers fan.


This is my first Sunday column as the official Webmaster of LOCKERROOM. When Wikkidpissah (who I affectionately call Dogface Fishpizza) asked me to contribute my fantasy football expertise with an article in LOCKERROOM, I sent him a couple of draft articles to go over. Needless to say, he was very unimpressed, and docked me to the least desirable slot in the lineup: Sunday morning, when all of youse fantasy football experts have already made most of your choices and plan to sit back on your armchairs with beer in hand and a bag of chips on the other, in front of your newly bought 52-inch plasma TV’s. He specifically instructed me not to offer any fantasy football recommendations, and stick to maintaining the LOCKERROOM website. I reluctantly accepted his marching orders.

My task, then, is to bring a measure of dignity to this lowly slot in the bigger scheme of the LOCKERROOM universe, by taking potshots and offering sarcasm on the current goings-on in the National Football League and sports in general.

Here are my random observations of the NFL as the first Sunday of the season rolls around:

1. The Giants have an extra home game this season against the luckless New Orleans Saints. Bill Parcells, a rival NFC East coach, groused, “I’d be smart not to comment on that.” This is the uncensored version of what he really said:

2. Terrell Owens told the media, “I love Donovan.” Awwwwww. While he’s at it, how about sharing the same feelings with Philadelphia fans who have grown tired of his own tortured explanations about how he deserves to be one of the highest paid wide receivers in the NFL, if not the highest? He griped about his role with the 49ers and wanted out, and hired an agent who he believed would look out for his interests in the best way possible. When the agent, David Joseph, screwed up the paperwork that would have declared T.O. a free agent, and the 49ers shopped him off to Baltimore in a trade, he started bellyaching and wanted to go to a better team. He got his wish, but not the contract he wanted.

You know, you don’t see him getting any major marketing endorsements. If he was just a little bit nicer and more diplomatic, he would’ve started earning millions of dollars from those endorsements, and become a little quieter about his comparatively modest NFL paycheck. But because Nike or Reebok or Pepsi won’t lay a shoe or cola near him, most of his eggs are practically in the NFL basket, so we can understand his nervousness about getting his fair share of the money, because he simply won’t get the bucks anywhere else.

The way he picked David Joseph, and how he attempted to defend him after the paperwork screwup, tells me that I would never want T.O. to be my boss, no matter how many millions of dollars he would throw at me. He’s just not a very good manager, period. I’d be spending more time trying to manage him than the other way around.

Team players get paid well for their work. Great leaders who know how to manage and inspire get paid quite as well. On the other hand, lone wolves don’t get the same kind of compensation.

Good luck, T.O. Honestly, I really want you to do well this season, because I have Donovan McNabb in my squirrel-eyed fantasy league.

3. Brett Favre is nuts. I mean it in a good way. He lost his father and brother-in-law, his wife is battling breast cancer, and now his house in Mississippi – where he spent his childhood and still owns the ranch -- got blown down by a hurricane. At his age, when he has achieved all he has set out to do in the NFL, including a Super Bowl title, countless records, and the love and admiration he deserves not only in Green Bay but across the country, I would have just moved on and focused on family and the future, and taken care of urgent priorities like an ill wife and a destroyed house. What’s incredible about Favre is not that he has the pluck and the moxie to go right on ahead and start a brand new NFL season, not that he has the support and admiration of the Wisconsin faithful, but because his family has truly supported him in his decisions along the way, and will support him in every way possible in what might be the most challenging season of his career.

4. I love listening to Mike Tice’s comments. I’m not sure I’ve ever seen a less qualified NFL head coach, and every time I listen to him at a press conference, I just start laughing. As a public service, I’ve found some quotations on the Web that are attributed to him, and provide them here without comment:

“I thought last week’s game was ugly and this was even uglier.”

“It’s a shame anyone had to lose that. What a great rivalry.”

“We thought we had the ball. I guess we didn’t have the ball. That was just a myth.”

5. The New Orleans Saints – bless their hearts – are facing a season no team has ever faced. I hesitate to put down a prediction on how well they will do in 2005, because this really depends on how the coach can rally the troops and inspire them to keep winning game in and game out during what is practically an all-road season, when some of their players are dealing with the fact they may have lost their own homes. It will be truly amazing if they can make it all the way to the Super Bowl this year, but I will pencil them for an incredible season if they finish 8-8. You heard it here first.

Onward, cavalry!

Saturday, September 10, 2005

On The Hash... Marks

Before I get started, I would like to pass along this announcement: Will a D. Wannstedt please report to Lucifer's office for a "soul-selling renewal" application. Thank you.

Now with that out of the way, I would like to introduce you to "On The Hash... Marks" A little college football, a little double entendre, everybody is happy! let's move on to my new top 25 poll:

1. USC (1-0)
Last week- (#1) W 63-17 @ Hawaii
This week- Idle

2. Texas (1-0)
Last week- (#2) W 60-3 vs Louisiana-Lafayette
This week- @ #4 Ohio St.

3. LSU (1-0)
Last week- (#5) Ppd. vs North Texas
This week- @ #15 Arizona St.

4. Ohio State (1-0)
Last week- (#8) W 34-14 vs Miami (OH)
This week- vs #2 Texas

5. Michigan (1-0)
Last week- (#3) W 33-17 vs Northern Illinois
This week- vs #20 Notre Dame

6. Tennessee (1-0)
Last week- (#4) W 17-10 vs UAB
This week- Idle

7. Virginia Tech (1-0)
Last week- (#6) W 20-16 @ NC State
This week- vs Duke

8. Georgia (1-0)
Last week- (#16) W 48-13 vs Boise St.
This week- vs South Carolina

9. Iowa (1-0)
Last week- (#11) W 56-0 vs Ball St.
This Week- @ Iowa St.

10. Purdue (0-0)
Last week- (#13) Idle
This week- vs Akron

11. FSU (1-0)
Last week- (#12) W 10-7 vs #16 Miami
This week- vs Citadel

12. Boston College (1-0)
Last week- (#14) W 20-3 @ BYU
This week- vs Army

13. Florida (1-0)
Last week- (#15) W 32-14 vs Wyoming
This week- vs Louisiana Tech

14. Louisville (1-0)
Last week- (#10) W 31-24 @ Kentucky
This week- Idle

15. Arizona St. (1-0)
Last week- (#17) W 63-16 vs Temple
This week- vs #3 LSU

16. Miami (0-1)
Last week- (#7) L 7-10 @ FSU
This week- Idle

17. Georgia Tech (1-0)
Last week- (Unr) W 23-14 @ Auburn
This week- vs North Carolina

18. Texas Tech (0-0)
Last week- (#20) Idle
This week- vs FIU

19. Notre Dame (1-0)
Last week- (Unr) W 42-21 @ Pittsburgh
This week- @ #5 Michigan

20. Virginia (1-0)
Last week- (#21) W 31-19 vs Western Michigan
This week- Idle

21. Alabama (1-0)
Last week- (#19) W 26-7 vs MTSU
This week- vs Southern Miss

22. California (1-0)
Last week- (Unr) W 41-3 vs Sacramento St.
This week- @ Washington

23. TCU (1-0)
Last week- (Unr) W 17-10 @ #25 Oklahoma
This week- @ SMU

24. Clemson (1-0)
Last week- (Unr) W 25-24 vs Texas A&M
This week- @ Maryland

25. Oklahoma (0-1)
Last week- (#9) L 10-17 vs TCU
This week- vs Tulsa

So LSU & Ohio St. move up, taking Tennesee & Michigan's spots. Georgia's performance shoots them up into the top 10, and Purdue moves up by default. Clemson, TCU, California, Notre Dame, and Georgia Tech all make their 1st appearance in the top 25, while Auburn, Texas A&M, Boise St, Pitt, and UCLA (who deserves to still be in it) all were on their way out.

Now for my Heisman candidates, which we will be calling "5 for '05."

1. Matt Leinart QB USC
18-24 332 yds 3TD's 1 INT
This week's projection- Idle

2. Reggie Bush RB USC
12 car 86 yds 2 TD's
4 rec 58 yds
This week's projection- Idle

3. Vince Young QB Texas
13-17 173 yds 3TD's 1INT
7 car 49 yds 1TD
This week's projection- 10-21 130 yds 1TD; 10 car 55 yds 1TD

4. Laurence Maroney RB Minnesota (+)
21 car 203 yds 2TD's
This weeks projection- 25 car 145 yds 2TD's

5. Omar Jacobs QB Bowling Green (+)
30-51 458 yds 5TD 1INT
This week's projection- 39-48 485 yds 4TD's

Just missed the cut- Chris Leak QB Florida, Brian Calhoun RB Wisconsin, Ted Ginn WR/KR Ohio St, Drew Tate QB Iowa, Michael Hart RB Michigan

Nothing really out of the ordinary. Even in a loss, I think Jacobs' performance opened up some eyes, and if they can go 9-1 the rest of the way, he may have a chance. How about Brian Calhoun? Anthony Davis who? Michael Bennett who? Ron Dayne whoooooo???? Ok, so maybe not quite that good, but very impressive.

Now for my picks, which I completely bungled last week going 0-5-1, I will now be predicting all the games for the teams which I have in my top 25 each week. Enjoy:

Tulsa +30 Oklahoma
They lose to TCU, their superstar running back is injured, they've kicked 2 offensive lineman off the team, and the young stud QB was arrested for underage drinking. Bob Stoops may kill someone if OU doesn't score on the opening drive. I'm being dead serious here, you do not want to be anywhere near him on the sideline if OU struggles even the slightest bit out of the gate. They win, but not by 30.

Oklahoma 30 Tulsa 13

Maryland -1 Clemson
Clemson won against the Aggies last week on the strength of there kickers foot, and their inability to finish drives with a touchdown worries me. Coming off a big win, I think they go on the road and lose a tough one to a decent Maryland team.

Maryland 21 Clemson 17

Umm... Does SMU still have Eric Dickerson? Ah what the hell, just go with TCU!

TCU 24 SMU 6

Alabama -13 Southern Miss
Some people are worried by Bama's performance last week against Middle Tennessee State (Yes, it's a real college!) but I'm banking on it just being first game jitters. They did score 17 of their 26 points in the 2nd half, and the rushing game seemed to wake up then. Brodie Croyle played well last week, and look for that to continue. Besides the fact, The Tides D could win this game by themselves.

Alabama 26 Southern Miss 9

Texas Tech -34.5 FIU
Quick, anybody know the record for most points scored in a game? Welcome to D-1 football, FIU.

Texas Tech 109 FIU 2

Georgia Tech -12.5 North Carolina
Has the prophecy of Reggie Ball finally come true?!?!?!? Maybe (probably not) but they'll still win this one. I think we can all start talking about Calvin Johnson being the best WR in college football bar none. (bar none? Who the hell am I, Trev Alberts? Speaking of which, how you enjoying collecting welfare Trev? Goooooo Huskers!)

Georgia Tech 34 North Carolina 14

Florida -29.5 Louisiana Tech
All I can say is thank god Louisiana Tech isn't playing Miami.... (ouch...too soon?)

Florida 38 Louisiana Tech 7

Boston College -27.5 Army
BC really impressed me last week, putting up a strong effort against a solid BYU team (which BTW I was forced to watch instead of my beloved maze & blue). Obviously Army has no chance to win, but it's nice they let them on the same field with Boston College.

Boston College 38 Army 3

FSU (no line) The Citadel
This game is important for FSU to see if either of the QB's emerge, and to get them some confidence. All I remember about monday night's game is seeing Kyle Wright drive the ball down the field, then look up and see Lorenzo Booker running like a madman around the stadium in celebration. I think a field goal was involved, but I'm still not positive.

FSU 55 The Citadel who cares?

Purdue -35 Akron
Purdue could be scary this year in the Big Ten. Unless Brandon Kirsch has a Kyle Orton-like collapse down the stretch,-.... Ah hell, I don't have the balls to pick them as the Big Ten champs, so I'll just shut up.

Purdue 48 Akron 0

Iowa -8.5 Iowa St.
This is my toughest game to pick this week. I really like Iowa St. and picked them to win the Big 12 North. However, I can't go against the Hawkeyes, because I know Drew Tate will have a great game, but I'm not positive Bret Meyer will. Hodge, Greenway, and the usual cast of characters will want a win against the Cyclones to close out their career.

Iowa 28 Iowa St. 16

Virginia Tech -20 Duke
Let's get something straight. I will, from now on, be referring to Marcus Vick as Krister Greece, in honor of his brothers Ron Mexico alias. With that out of the way, I think Krister will run wild against coach Kryzechfksrieyzhiesey's Blue Devils. (hey, if you can correct me and name the football coach at duke, by all means go ahead and do it)

Virginia Tech 44 Duke 9

Michigan -7 Notre Dame
I have absolutely no confidence in this pick. I didn't see the Mich/NIU game(damn you American Broadcasting Company!), but I sure as hell caught Charlie Weis making Dave Wannstedt his bitch. Everything I've read seems to point to Michigan playing poorly (to put it nicely) against the run, and Darius Walker ran for over a hundred yards & a couple of TD's last year against UofM in South Bend. Pittsburgh has no running game, so we need to see how ND can handle a back like Mike Hart who is always going forward, and Chad Henne, who showed last week it wasn't all Braylon Edwards behind his sensational freshman season. This game comes down to the Michigan defense, and Gabe Watson, Prescott Burgess, Ryan Mundy, and Grant Mason specifically. If these four guys can step up, ND will be hailing to the victors.

Michigan 31 Notre Dame 23

Arizona St. -1 LSU
While LSU is maybe the most talented team in the nation not named the Trojans, the devastation of hurricane Katrina may be looming large in the outcome of this ballgame. LSU having to move this game to the desert (where national title hopes go to die) is what does it for me. As unfair as it is, ASU will pick up the win here with their high-powered offense.

Arizona St. 20 LSU 17

Ohio St. -1 Texas
It all just seems too good for Texas. They finally will beat Oklahoma, but Ohio St. will send them into that game with one loss. As fast as Vince Young is, A.J Hawk, and Bobby Carpenter are speedy linebackers (and they're white, no less!) who will be able to contain him. The Schmuckeye's are so pumped for this game, I can't picture them losing. Also, look for Nate Salley to get at least one big hit in on Young, and for me to openly applaud a Buckeye.

Ohio St. 21 Texas 14

Upset Special (0-1)
Washington +9 California
The next Aaron Rodgers my ass! Ok, so maybe it's a tad early, but with Joseph Ayoob in for sidelined QB Nate Longshore, Cal's offense could be in trouble if Ayoob has another 0-10 start. I think Ayoob will start out bad (maybe not quite 0-10 bad) but with Marshawn Lynch, I don't see Cal losing this game, even though Washington will be pumped up, and keep it close with coach Ty Willingham looking to build himself, and his program up again.

California 31 Washington 24

Lock of the Week (0-1)
Georgia -18 South Carolina
Ok... So last week I was a little off with my Boise St. over Georgia pick, so to make up for it, I am picking Georgia to win it big baby! (*does Lee Corso impression and puts on Bulldog head*)

Georgia 40 South Carolina 17

So with that in mind, have fun watching some great games this weekend, and remember to get in touch with your bookie if need be. Untill next time, GO BLUE!