Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Ask The Experts

Welcome to another edition of "Ask The Experts." We have three new experts with us, who are apart of the LOCKERROOM family. Let's have a look at them, shall we?

Dr. Hao Long D.D.S
The man who performed Jamal Lewis' root canal, and noted dentist to the stars. He was born in Japan, but moved to California when it was discovered that all Asians must live in California at one time or another. He is also part owner in a clocks and oral pain relief themed store called "Tooth hurty." His other famous clients include: Michael Strahan, Dakota Fanning, and all of Great Britian.

Lil' Stabby McShanksalot
The hottest rapper out right now, who is blowing up the charts with his hit single "Hit the Bitch in the Face with a Tire Iron," off his his first CD entitled "Tryin' not to Get Killed, or Die Tryin.'" McShanksalot grew up on the mean streets of Poverty town, which was renamed "Detroit" during the Taft-Sherman administration.

Bill "Last Place" Sullivan
The worst fantasy football player of all-time. "Last Place" has not finished better than last place in any league. His recent 1st round draft picks include: Ricky Williams, Eddie George, Lamar Smith, James Stewart, & Kordell Stewart. The problem is he all drafted them the year their stats took a significant plunge, or they briefly retired to travel the world with Mary Jane.

Now on to the mailbag:

I have Willie Parker in a keeper league, and was wondering whether I should trade him now, or hold on to him. What do you guys think?
-Clancy W. Tulsa, Ok

HL- This is an easy one, keep him. This could very well be the bus' last year, and Duce is a crown of his former self (a little dental humor), so within a year or two, I wouldn't be suprised to see Parker fill the Michael Strahan sized gap that will be left in Pittburgh's backfield.

SMc- You must be trippin', bruh. You really need to ask dis? Trade his ass now before he da greyhound is back in bidness. Once da bus is back on da highway, ain't no tellin' how much time Willie will see.

BS- Trade him of course! I have already picked up Verron Hayes in all my leagues, because he is a flat out better back than Parker, and will take his job this week during practice. Count on it.

OMGRZZZ!!!! Daunte Culpepper sucked last week! I just got offered Gus Ferotte and Larry Johnson for him. Should I accept?
Greg T. St. Pete, Fl

HL- If you're considering doing this, a dentist isn't the doctor you need to be talking to. Daunte is still Daunte, and, well, Gus Ferotte is still Gus Ferotte. You're an idot.

SMc- Yo son, you best stay away from Johnson. I saw him at da club saturday night before da game, and he was gettin' messed up. Sad part was, he wasn't even gettin' no play from the chickenhead he was hollerin' at. I wonder what ended up happenin' with that...

BS- Do it! Week one is always a good indication of how the season will turn out. I have already traded away Culpepper, Donovan McNabb, Jamal Lewis, & Andre Johnson off my various teams. I still will never understand how I got my nickname...

Which 3 WR/TE should I start this week, with my main WR Javon Walker out? Antonio Gates (@Den), Nate Burleson (@Cin), Lee Evans (@TB) Antwan Randel El (@Hou), Chris Baker (@MIA). Thanx, you guys are the best.
Jimbo Fairfield, NJ

HL- I would go with Antonio Gates (who I like to refer to as "Pearly Whites") in his first game back. Then follow that up with Nate Burleson, who will rebound this week, and Antwan Randle El, who becomes very valuable with teams doubling Ward.

SMc- Gotta go with my boyyyyyyyys, Randle El, Evans, and Burleson. They all showed up at my album release party. Didn't get to thank dem because of all the gunshots, but dey my dawgs.

BS- Chris Baker for sure, and trade the rest to get Patrick Crayton, and Frisman Jackson. I'm so smart!!!

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