Monday, September 05, 2005


FALL IS ALL but here, and there are no more corners around which to turn to find the beginning of the '05 NFL season - it's just up this street. To serve that end, LOCKERROOM today begins providing daily content for the duration of the football season, if not beyond (tomorrow ze vorld!). Will, you may ask, LR help me figure out who to start this week? We'll do our best. Does LR intend to uncover what I need to know to pick up a hot player while he's still cool to the touch? We're going to try. Can I count on LR to remind me that I do this for fun & to point out the ridiculous & inane wherever it can be found in the sporting world and even add a little themselves? Damn skippy! That's why we're here. "First with the worst" is our motto - long may our freak flag furl.

LOCKERROOM is a consortium of oddballs who met posting on the great & powerful Fanball's forums and decided that the sports world could be even more bizarre with our help. Many of you know our words and, possibly, scattered fragments from our lives those words betray in our Fanball posts, but we thought our process to be served best were you to know each of the stories that brought us to this point. Using the latest in surveillance technology & interrogation techniques, we have assembled these bios of our contributing editors:

CREEKEAGLE, contributing editor: Many of you know that our wunderkind was born in the snack shop of a Florida Trailways station to a bus mechanic & an auto parts calendar model. What you may not know is that he was abandoned in the Edison Gardens of Fort Myers by his mother (the bus mechanic) & raised by ducks. As our young foundling grew & became curious about the physical differences between him & his guardians, they told him he was an eagle chick blown in by Hurricane Adolf and that, one day, they would return him to his home. When it came time for them to migrate north, the ducks fashioned wings for Creek out of discarded cotton candy & taught him to fly. Their journey proceeded well until toxic fumes from south Jersey eroded the makeup of Creek's wings & he plummeted to earth, crashlanding in the middle of Veterans Stadium. Raising himself on a diet of astroturf & hotdog water, it was there he developed his love of football &, figuring he'd found his true home, all things Eagle. Discovered during the demolition of the stadium by a Worker's Comp attorney trolling the site for possible claims, he was brought back to Florida, where he continues his search for his real parents & a title for his team. Creek's 5 for '05 selections:

5 for '05, Bold Predictions:

Michael Bennett will stay healthy, and will have a 1,000 yard, 10 TD season
Lions WR Roy Williams will be outscored by both Charles Rogers, and Mike Williams
The Kansas City Chiefs will make the playoffs, in spite of their defense, which is not improved as they would like you to believe.
Norv Turner and Jim Hasslet will be searching for a new job by years end
The Packers will beat Minnesota twice.

...and his picks for '05:

AFC East
1. New England 12-4
2. NY Jets 10-6*
3. Buffalo 7-9
4. Miami 4-12
AFC North
1. Baltimore 11-5
2. Pittsburgh 9-7
3. Cincinnati 9-7
4. Cleveland 3-13
AFC South
1. Indianapolis 13-3
2. Jacksonville 9-7*
3. Houston 7-9
4. Tennessee 7-9
AFC West
1. Kansas City 11-5
2. San Diego 8-8
3. Denver 7-9
4. Oakland 6-10
NFC East
1. Philadelphia 12-4
2. NY Giants 7-9
3. Dallas 5-11
4. Washington 5-11
NFC North
1. Minnesota 9-7
2. Green Bay 7-9
3. Detroit 7-9
4. Chicago 4-12
NFC South
1. Carolina 11-5
2. Atlanta 10-6*
3. New Orleans 7-9
4. Tampa Bay 7-9
NFC West
1. Arizona 9-7
2. St. Louis 9-7*
3. Seattle 7-9
4. San Francisco 2-14
Super Bowl: New England 20 Philadelphia 17

WATERSHIP2 - Tech Admin & contributing editor: real name: Sir Rufus Wetboat. Born to the purple as son of Tedward Wetboat, 27th Earl of Shireshire, and his aerobics instructor, Holly, young Sir Rufus grew up with a love for American football, legwarmers, and the sea. Blown out to open water while sailing in the Regatta for the Homeless, he was captured by a band of gay pirates & spent a year in the hold, comforted only by a waterlogged copy of Watership Down. Seizing his first chance for escape, he jumped overboard and swam the Indian Ocean for three days, finally making shore on Rammalammadingdong, the most obscure of the Maldive Islands. Marooned for many years, his only company a coconut upon which he painted a face & named Tom Hanks, he was finally rescued by vacationing diplomats fresh from negotiating a treaty between the Maldives & the Seychelles. Now himself a diplomat, he is UN Envoy from the Maldives and is currently lobbying the NFL for a franchise for his adopted home. His 5's for '05:

TOP 5 PREDICTIONS:1. Daunte Culpepper will not have a great 2005 season. One only has to look at what happened to former Vikings quarterbacks post-Randy Moss: Randall Cunningham - He was on his way to retirement until the Vikings came calling, and he produced terrific numbers during Randy Moss' rookieseason. Then he retired; Jeff George - Randy Moss was the reason this dude signed a sweet deal with the Redskins. He was cut after his first game as a starter under Marty Schottenheimer; Gus Frerotte: Headbutt produced beautiful numbers when he spelled Culpepper.
2. Reuben Droughns will be a sleeper for the 2nd straight year. Mark my words.
3. Andre Johnson will be the next Terrell Owens. In 2004, AJ joined a very elite club of WR's who received the most career receptions in their first 2 years. The only WR's in that club: Terrell Owens, Randy Moss, Marvin Harrison, and a 4th guy I forget. (Google can only go so far.)4. Rookie of the Year: Heath Miller. With Plaxico Burress gone, and the running backs not getting any younger, Heath is a great outlet for Big Ben when he can't find the other big receiver, Hines Ward. Arrington and Cadillac will provide decent numbers, but I'm going out on a limb here with a TE for theaward.
5. Ricky Williams will actually do something usefulthis year.

1. LaDainian Tomlinson
2. Peyton Manning
3. Andre Johnson
4. Randy Moss
5. Shaun Alexander

1. Jake Plummer
2. Priest Holmes
3. Todd Heap
4. Fred Taylor
5. Ahman Green

JIMED, contributing editor: The lone full-sized child of midget wrestlers, Jimed grew up in South Boston above McInaney's Pub, subsisting largely on stout & broken glass. Spending most of his adolescence pounding it, he was discovered in a public restroom on the Commons by the manager of JJ & the Overcoats, a struggling local band, and made drummer. Powered by his driving wackbeat, they became one-hit wonders during the Punk era with "I Wanna Pound U In The Face 'Til You're Dead". Jimed claims to have been abducted by aliens while on tour with JJ & O and, indeed there are no records of his existence from 1991-6, but he will not talk about the experience. He presently makes a living selling anal probes & linebacker porn on the internet. His 5's for '05:

1. Peyton Manning- no matter what your scoring format, he will outscore every RB on the board.
2. LT2- The man is a beast, & will carry your team to the championship game.
3. Shaun Alexander- He has been the most consistant scoring RB in the last 5 years. A threat to take it to the house every play, oh, he has excellant hands, will gain the extra yards out in the flat.
4. Chad johnson- picture Randy Moss with out the hype, hair attitude & low IQ
5.Marvin Harrison- Old, but if I had Peyton throwing to me, I would catch 10 TD every year, & I suck!!!!

TOP 5 YOU WONT SEE ON MY ROSTER EVER.1.Jeremy Shockey- 2 words, A-Hole.
2. Randy moss- Stupidity & no inner drive getting old. would rather 2 second tier WRs than his tired ass.
3.Michael Vick- I don't speak Mexican.
4.Fred Taylor- I like my probes made of glass, not my RBs
5.Drew Bledsoe- He killed me when he was with the Pats, screw him & the Tuna

1.Billy Volek- McNair goes down more than Seka. He is old & brittle. If you don't handcuff him with Volek, sorry.
2.Larry Johnson - Priest cant take the pounding any more. He is going in late 5th or early 6th. Guess why?
3.Ronald Curry- Moss makes him get 1 on 1 coverage. #3 on depth chart, but has #1 talent. He is slow (clocked with a sundial) but position & hands make up for that.
4.Ben Watson- you heard it here first. This guy is a beast. got hurt in first game last year. he will be the Pats leader in red zone catches this year.
5.Frank Gore- Barlow sucks more than a San Francisco hooker & Gore was better than Mcgahee in Miami.

1. Priest Holmes- i dont think he makes it into week 5.
2.Willis Mcgahee- J.P. Losman (J.P stands for Just Punt). You might see 9 in the box till the Rookie(yeah he's not, so what) can prove that he has stones.
3.Plaxico Burress- Gonna find out how hard it is to be the man.
4.Jason Witten- true Drew Bledsoe hangs in the pocket, but makes bad decisions. Witten will be forced to block for him, as their right side of the line has sprung a leak.
5. Ty Law- Has been hurt last 2 years, & will miss alot of time this year as well.

GBinSBin06, breaking news editor: Gbin grew up in Santa Monica, child of a record executive & a kilo of cocaine. Teenage years of watching 70's TV & rubbing himself whenever Aunt Esther came on the screen, were interrupted when a Proposition 317 (taxing bestiality) demonstration overtook his home & he was swept away to their HQ in Humboldt County. Escaping all but the cloud of smoke that hangs about his head to this day, GBin managed to get himself an excellent education & a job as a Production Assistant at ESPN, where his duties include polishing Peter Gammons & walking Stuart Scott's glass eye (or is that vice versa?). His 5's for "05:

1) PRIEST HOLMES will be the #1 fantasy RB this season, NOT LT or SA 2) Carson Palmer will finish the season as a top 5 Fantasy QB
3) Donovan Mcnabb will NOT finish in the top 5 Fantasy QBs
4) Clinton Portis will NOT finish in the top TEN fantasy RBs
5) Phillip Rivers will be the SD starter by week 6.

5 Guys I'd trade up for:
1) Mike Anderson
2) Lee Evans
3) Julius Jones
4) Javon Walker
5) Steve Smith

5 Guys I refuse to draft:
1) Michael Vick
2) Kerry Collins
3) Moosh Muhammad
4) KJ
5) Benson

MR. ELLIPSIS, contributing editor: Wow! Everybody I interviewed to profile Mr. E said, "Excellent grammar" & slammed the door or phone on me. That, plus a fingerprinting which identifies him Wanda Sisterfriend, fruit & nut merchant from Philadelphia, Mississippi, leads me to believe he's in some form of government work. His 5's for '05:

Five Guys to Trade For

Beyond the obvious “draft this guy first” advice you’ve heard every day, you should target these guys for trades before the season starts:

Shaun Alexander – One yard was all he needed last year, and that one yard will be the burr under his saddle this season. The pundits call him a touchdown machine, and after this year they’ll add in the total yards title as well. However, many an autodraft owner will not yet appreciate what they have in their hands. If you have Priest and an alleged top-tier WR, find the owner in your league that has Shaun and play “Let’s Make a Deal”.

Marc Bulger – Steven Jackson will make the entire Rams’ offense better, and Bulger is primed to be the main beneficiary. The power running game will make opposing defenses play honest and open up the passing game more than ever for St. Louis. If you have Trent Green or Brett Favre, get hooked up with Bulger’s owner now.

Torry Holt – Bulger has to have someone to throw it to, and Torry will be his #1 target. Isaac Bruce is still a viable threat, and speedster Kevin Curtis will stretch the defensive backfield in Holt’s favor. If you have Javon Walker, Joe Horn, AJ or Hines, trade them in a package now for Holt.

Jason Witten & Jeremy Shockey – The tight end alphabet is ready to move up a few notches. This year’s owners of last year’s most popular and productive guys at this position (Gates & Gonzo) will consider them to be nearly untouchable, and that’s just fine. I’d rather be holding J&J than one of the G Unit. Both are ready for breakout years. Tony G. is counting on a QB that may be fighting health issues all season, and Antonio G. will have a tough time repeating last year’s performance. If you have one of the G brothers, maybe now is the time to “trade down” and get the other owner to sweeten the pot.

Paul Edinger – The mercurial position of kicker is one of the toughest to get predictable value from. Just look at Mike Vanderjagt’s performance last year, the victim of an offense that was too effective. Edinger is well placed to be this year’s surprise kicker. He’s got a good groove going from preseason, just won his position battle and is joining an offense that will be just “bad” enough to give him mucho scoring opportunities. This is another trade-down opportunity that might catch the other owner by surprise. If you are holding Sebastian Janikowski or Ryan Longwell, don’t hesitate to combine them on a trade proposal to Edinger’s owner. Maybe you can get them to throw in this year’s surprise defense (see my bold predictions).

Five Bold Predictions

Write ‘em down folks – that’s OK, I did it for you:

The Pack is … Not Back – The Green Bay Packers will not finish over .500. Without decent blocking from the o-line, Brett Favre and Ahman Greeen will look very mortal and Najeh Davenport will be the starting RB before the season is over (sorry GBin). The Packers' need to score many points (no defense) will be their ultimate undoing.

Raising Arizona – The most improved defense for the 2005-2006 season will be the Arizona Cardinals. Combined with a healthy, productive wide receiving corps and a fresh new running game (thank you JJ Arrington), this defense will help the Cardinals finish the season with a 10-6 record and the top wildcard slot in the NFC. The crowning regular season achievement will be a home victory over the Philadelphia Eagles on Christmas Eve.

Mr. 2000 - Shaun Alexander will rush for 2000 yards (can you say contract year?), but the Seahawks will still end their season in the first round of the playoffs and the Holmgren era will officially come to an end.

The Dynasty Takes a Break – The Patriots have gone through more changes than any recent Super Bowl winner, but the two biggest are the loss of Belichick’s number one lieutenants, Romeo Crennel and Charley Weis. The team’s front-loaded schedule will leave them at no better than 3-3, and a final record of 9-7 is not out of the question. The key games in their drive to the post-season will be the December clashes versus the retooled New York Jets. Don’t miss MNF the day after Christmas!

Comeback Player Award – Joe Gibbs does not tolerate embarrassment well, and last season can be considered nothing but that. Although the QB situation may resemble a merry-go-round by season’s end, Clinton Portis will return to stud status. With a healthy offensive line and a new running attack, expect no fewer than 1600 yards rushing and 15 TDs. Hey, everyone is allowed at least one homer pick!

Five RBs that will never be on my fantasy football roster

We all desire the “stud” running backs to pile up the points we need to win those weekly H2H matchups. Don’t count on any of these guys this season:

Tatum Bell – It’s not the man, it’s the system. Unlike the studs of the NFL, Tater Tots will never have job security with Shanahan on the hot seat (that’s right) and should only be selected if Mike Anderson gets hit by a bus. Speaking of which …

Duce Staley – I’ve got two words for you here – Jerome Bettis. This TD vulture will never rest, and Duce will never be worth anything more than a desperation ploy for fantasy points. Besides, the guy is injured for crissakes!

Michael Bennett – Between the dreaded RBBC and Mike Tice, I can never get excited about having this oft-injured schmuck on my roster. I got sucked into the hype last year – never again.

Fred Taylor – I looked up the word “fragile” in my Webster’s, found this man’s picture right next to it. Believers say it ain’t so, but that ain’t my church, baby. Don’t touch Freddy unless you’re in a 16 team league that plays 3 RBs every week and your other RBs are Tatum Bell, Duce Staley and Michael Bennett!

Marcel Shipp – OK, this one is too easy since JJ arrived. Funny, though, how many people take him anyway. You’re better off with Bell than sitting at the bottom of this barrel.

ARCHER, contributing editor: Born in a riverbed to a Cherokee biker mama & one of the coyotes that ravaged her on the "stand in four states" marker at Four Corners National Monument, Archie's upbringing wasn't pleasant. Reports have him actually being used by his stepfather as a club with which to beat his other siblings. A lifelong desire to find the ultimate virulent white powder to mail to govt. officials has led him to the study of the biology of communicative diseases. Reached at a Labor Day biker rally & asked for his Top 5's, he answered "Top 5's?! I've already published like fifty-five f***in' Top 5's for ya, you anal-retentive rassenfrasser". Then, unzipping his fly, he yelled, "You wanna top 5?! Here's five for ya....and there's five more where that came from!"

WIKKIDPISSAH, managing editor: I'm a little self-conscious talking about myself but I was raised in Salem, Ma., son of a door-to-door mystic & a marine gynecologist. Wanting to continue my father's work, my wanderings led me to Gibraltar, where I became fascinated by the mating rituals of Barbery apes in this, their natural habitat. My appeals for funding were answered by a Sidney Tatue, who sent me money and a computer by which to transmit video of my work to him. I later found out he ran a primate porn website called Baboonarama, but the computer led me to the world of fantasy sports. My 5's for '05:

Bold Predictions:
1. Kerry Collins will be permanently benched at some point this season.
2. Priest Holmes' record-challenging season will lead K.C. to the AFC Championship.
3. Carolina will have the most regular-season wins in the NFL.
4. Rookie of the Year: Chiefs' LB Derrick Johnson
5. I have a bet of a compromising photo (semi-naked with a cone over our privates) displayed on this site with a Fanball poster that TO will garner more fantasy pts. this season the Randy Moss, so i guess that qualifies as #5.

5 guys I'd trade up for:

1. Priest
2. KJ
3. Carson Palmer
4. Jeremy Shocker
5. Ronald Curry

5 guys you won't see on my fantasy roster:

1. Julius Jones
2. Antonio Gates (on all 7 of my teams last yr.)
3. Javon Walker
4. Jake Plummer
5. Drew Bennett

Well, that's it for now, kids. Come & visit us every day, I think you'll be occasionally amazed & always amused. nufced

1 comment:

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.