Monday Morning Waterback

Aaaaaah - does it get any better than this?! Multiple screens, 47 remotes, laptop with streaming results by my side....football season is here. With the relish of a 6yo who just got his school supplies for the new year, I settle in to the blissful anticipation and somehow perfect order of the season's first multi-game action. Some dig the face-painting, beer-sucking, fist-shaking, standing & sitting like a spastic nun pleasures of being there, but i'm a fantasy football fan - gimme the do-i-have-him?, aw-i-BENCHED-that-2TD-scoring-TE, rooting-for-a-team-down-24-0-to-score-so-the-opposition-dont-rest-their-starters maelstrom only a guy who knows Adimchinobe Echemandu's alma mater can appreciate. Baby, it's back!

If I saw a trend today, it was too many plays & substitutions. If the season's first game aint the time to find a groove upon which to build variations, I don't know when that time is. Throw 19 cans of fruit cocktail into the Jello & it won't set, fellas. One can expand upon simplicity & competence a lot better than one can contract from the complex. Put down the wristbands with the New Testament written on em & let these boys play some ball, for crissakes.

OK, let's look at some games:

WASH 9 - CHI 7: Who thought Nick & Jessica's murderization of patriotic tunes would be the highlight of this'n? Well, actually, I did - having predicted a scoreless tie on the boards. Man, Pat Ramsey has to be football's unluckiest guy - a rookie season of unholy sackings, sophomore year trying to convince your football-genius coach that you don't suck dead bones.....ok, third year's a charm...looking cool...acting sharp...finally feelin comfy at the contr...BOOOOM, lets bounce his head off the turf til Jessica appears to have more teats than a pregnant cat & the wearing of hog noses & dresses starts to make sense.... Thought: Clinton Portis may be my favorite player. Always runt of the litter at The U but always puttin em over the top; afterthought who proves to be the best open-field runner in ball at Denver; putting on unnatural weight to help Gibbsy relive his manlove for Riggo; a name that sounds more like a female body part than any of Seinfeld's girlfriends...you deserve better, buddy. Finally (and who thought i'd have this much to say about such an awful game), Kyle Orton mighta been a good QB, but the PTSD from starting out of the gate has ruined better than he. Gotta HATE the Lovie!

KC 27 - NYJ 7: Let's buy a drink for whoever announced on Fanball that he was starting Priest AND LJ....genius!! The D shot the gaps & the O tried reeeeal hard not to score on every play....look out, world - its gonna take a lot to beat the Chiefs this season. Penny starts the looong list of QBs that sucked more than JPLosman.

JAX 26 - SEA 14: There may be rookies who end up with better #s than Matt Jones, but there will be no rookie who has a greater impact on his team's offensive success. The sets, shifts, motions & options they ran in Wonderhonky's debut had the Seasucks positively dizzy. Del Rio expands on this & da Cats go far.

CIN 27 - CLE 13: Finally - a team the Queen City can be proud of that DOESN'T have Cris Collinsworth on it! I can not imagine a better move than Marv's sittin Rudi for the start of this one. He meant bidness, his team meant bidness...verrry professional effort. With turnarounds like those happening in CIN & JAX, the disparity between AFC & NFC is just gonna be sick this season.

NO 23 - CAR 20: Somebody get Jake-not-Snake a Jetski, a jetpack, a Jet's cheerleader, summin that takes the thrill-junkie outta him. He actually looks like is playin for the nailbiting finish now. Well, sometimes you da windshield, boy, and sometimes you da bug. Can't imagine a better morale-booster for the unfortunate city of Nawlins short of the public execution of Tom Benson. Oh, and, btw, Coach Fox - trash the RBBC. There's only one back in your committee makes that offense sing....wait for it....Nick Goings.

BUF 22 - HOU 7: I can save time & column space by here listing the QBs who sucked worse than JPLosman: Pennington, Dilfer, Carr, Orton, Griese, C-Pep. Favre, Brees, Warner, Eli. And check out this list of some who played better: Bledsoe, Joey, Rattay, Frerotte, Ruthlessbergerfrickle. Weird game, aint it?.... Dom Capers should never be allowed to coach more than two years anywhere. He can make bad players play good, but hasn't a clue how to take honest talent to the next level. The Texans went into full-blown panic down 9-0 early 2nd quarter. Even against a badmammajamma D like the Bills have, that's shameful.

PGH 34 - TENN 7: The Titan's may have the worst defense in recent memory. Combine that with their overplaying of Hines Ward & you have the stone lousiest performance in Titan history. Wait one more game before putting Willie Parker in the HOF, btw.

TB 24 - MINN 13: Brian Griese began his 2nd-yr regression right on time, Caddy almost gave up after spending the 1st half tryin to hit holes smaller than a pitboss' heart & the Bucs still made Minny look mini. If Mewelde or Ciatrick (baby's book of names allstars) dont upgrade that running game, they're gonna hafta go Vince-Young-shotgun or summin. And thank you, Eric Johnson - had Alex Smith as your backup on two teams.

MIA 34 - DEN 10: Only the Titan defense had a worse day than the Denver offense. Not a Bronco-sized hole to run thru all day, but that didnt stop Jake the Fake from runnin uglyass play-actions all freakin day. Phins played a spirited game for their new leader, but that is one sorry o-line you got there, Nicky. Don't order your playoff tix yet, PhinPhans.

DAL 28 - SD 24: Here in New Mexico, we get all the Cowboy games and, every preseason, they have one WR outta nowhere who lights the place up (Reggie Swinton, Randal Williams) then settles back to the pack. Patrick Crayton may be f'real, tho. Gimme another week & I'll tell ya if he's worth a dynasty claim. And its always nice to watch Bledsoe play before the battle fatigue sets in. Chargers did nothing to refute my selection of them as back-where-u-belong franchise for '05.

DET 17 - GB 3: EEYEWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!

NYG 42 - ARIZ 19: I don't follow college football, but Cal-Berkeley musta had a hella roadgrading o-line last yr, cuz I've seen most of JJArrington's carries so far this season (exhib +) & have yet to see him hit a hole like he's done it before. That & the lapses that always seem to befall DGreen-coached teams, could undermine a team with a number of exciting athletes. Eli looked better, but how could he not.

IND 24 - BAL 7: Kinda thought the Indy defense was in trouble, with two major acquisitions late in the preseason, but I guess Dungy knew what he was doing. Tellya, last night's D with last year's O is one scary thought. And, nothin against Boller, but how can you NOT want a guy named awright runnin your team.

Well, I've barely even looked to see how my nine fantasy teams did. Plenty of time for that - I'll have them all (and their opponents) memorized by Week 4. The BirdsO'Prey Bowl looks like it'll be fun tonite, although I'm sure the MNF crew will WAY o'erplay the TO-DMac thang. Later, kiddies...play hard -