Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Ask The Experts

Ask the Experts is a feature of LOCKERROOM where authorities from outside traditional fantasy sports sources answer your questions. This week's panel:

Emanuel St. Saint - Manny has been a highly regarded designer of football gear for home use for many years. His fishnet hikechute has set the standard for amateur centers everywhere. He also covers red-carpet events for Lubricants Monthly.

Forrest Hardy - CEO & Dean of Admissions of IFF Tech (formerly the Lordsberg Institute for Interstate Trucking, Fantasy Football & Refrigerator Repair), his Commissioner Course was voted one of the Ten Best in Southwestern New Mexico.

Naomi Moon Goldberg - second wife of LR's managing editor & self-appointed fantasy sports psychic, Ms. Goldberg used her astrological skills to predict the two-game fantasy career of Leonard Henry last season & waived this month's alimony in order to use this forum to promote her new book "Holistic Guide to Halftime Sex".

Q: Will Joe Gibbs ever catch on to coaching in the 21st century? Craig Woodbury, Essex Jct., VT.
ESS.: Well, I will tell you that the Joseph Gibbs I know is wide open to new ideas. He was the first to wear my Coaches Corset, to assure a clean, trim line while wearing the clingy synthetics so common in coaching gear. I offered it to Coach Parcells to help him deal with that kangaroo pouch of his and I believe, to this day, that it would have saved his marriage.
FH: Gotta tell ya, Craig - next to Earl Happler, inventor of triple clutching, Coach Gibbs is the most-quoted guy in the textbook for our popular "Weigh Stations & Playstation" course. The classics don't need changin'.
NMG: I have no doubt that if Mr. Gibbs would let the universe call his plays more often, his path to actualization would be much smoother. Getting a player named Santana is a good start, though.

Q: Should I drop Joey Harrington from my dynasty team now, or should I give him the week off to collect himself? Don Egedy, Holland MI.

ESS: Perhaps I should disqualify myself, as I made a number of decorative cast sleeves for Jeff Garcia & am a biiiig fan. I've always been one to give a good-looking man a second chance & maybe he'll get his head together during his bi-week....excuse me?....
b-y-e?!....dump the bitch!
FH: That boy couldn't tell a condenser from a compressor if you spotted him the mounting plate. Tell you what - the light don't stay on when you close his door, if you know what I mean.
NMG: Much as I dislike to fall in with the crowd, I have to make this one unanimous. I was the numerological consultant when they painted that picture of him on the side of a New York skyscraper & I ran his starchart at the time, too. The only way to put it politely is to say that poor, star-crossed boy has way too many of his houses in Uranus.
ESS: Ooooh!

If you could change anything about fantasy football, what would it be? Terry Spitzer, Pismo Beach CA.
ESS: Double the points for tight ends & hold more greased, naked drafts with a Twister board determining draft position.
FH: Make the newbies take my mail order course "NFL/CDL - Know the Difference" complete with Draft-Rating Wishmirror, $49.95 at www.ifftech.org
NMG: Less emphasis on scoring & more VBD by ascending sunsigns.

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