Aaah, women. As a 52yo, 300+ lb. unemployed widower, women are now as rare a commodity in my life as enlightened altruism in our nation's capital . Funny thing – I've been real lucky with them over most of my life, with groupies galore in my couple years on the rock & roll road and a decade of cokewhores & cocktail waitresses (yes, there is some overlap between those two avocations) living in Nevada. I’ve not only been lucky in quantity, but in quality – meaningful relationships with women of substance, style, sweetness & sexchronicity. And to carry the sibillant alliteration up one more floor, my wife still ranks as the most singular human being I’ve ever known. Surprisingly enough, though, I don’t miss their company as much as I thought I would being out of the game and seem to have lost most of my constant cravings.
Until today. My computer’s been fritzing out so I accepted a football invite from the guy who helps me with such things – he also has DirectTV so I wasn’t gonna miss the multiway action I require to bring the steaming heaps of wisdom I do to my LOCKERROOM readers.
WRONG! My host & his wife are from Ohio and, in the early game, my pal’s beloved Bengals were facing their arch-rivals and he wouldn’t flip the channel of his 4192-inch TV during commercials, for fear of missing a second of hysterical worry (fr’instance, he considers OSU’s 28-3 win Saturday a close call), no matter how well-in-hand his team appeared to have the game. His Cleveland-born wife joined in early, taking the Pittsburgh side of the rooting just to keep her hubby well-shaken & was truly in her element helping elevate her hubby’s blood pressure well into its own redzone as the Steelers mounted a comeback.
It is rare when the Bengals & Browns do not both play in the early games, so we were really in for a treat when Ravens-Browns were to be the second course of the football feast. I was ready to tease this gal as mercilessly as she had her husband til I realized the connection between her team & their opponents. A true Browns fan would rather see Art Modell drawn, quartered, bled, hung and fed to feral beasts at midfield than their team in the Super Bowl and the grudge creates a rivalry that has little to do with the quality of play. My hostess was a loud as the whole crowd as the remarkable Charlie Frye led Cleveland to a nice halftime lead over the traitor Ravens. My pal even nudged me at halftime to impart the news that he might “get some” tonite if Cleveland held on. His chance at post-game action was kicked out the window by Matt Stover’s foot, however. What’s worse is that Stover is the only holdover from the team that fled the lakeshore for the bayside.
And I realized – a life aint really a life that isn’t reflected in the passion & playfulness of a good woman. Though I think the recent feminization of our society is as unfortunate a cultural phenomenon as campaign ads and pickup/SUV combos (make up your fuckin minds, ya droolin mooyuks!) and that Oprah has done as much harm to our society as Osama, without them we are less, if not lost. And, as soon as I find a callgirl who likes the Pats, I’m gonna get me one.
My hosts’ fanaticisms caused me to miss a lot of the action, but I’ll try to reconstruct what I can.
CIN 28 PGH 20
Carson Palmer is still not getting any push off his injured leg & did not step up when he normally would. If he can throw 4 TD’s against the Steelers under those circumstances, it’s scary to think what he can do when it comes around. But, if I’m a DC, I blitz him like crazy....There are good reasons for it, but Pgh’s offense is totally out of sync. Cowher seems more interested in proving that FWP is a full-service back than moving the football. Coach, if your running game don’t set up other stuff for you, these days it’s worthless. Just saying....I hate rooting for felons & find it unnerving to watch a player who looks like he could be snapped in half on every play, but Chris Henry is one of the most blindingly talented WRs in the game.
CAR 26 TB 24
Skip this one if you’re easily offended. Now, Chris Simms is not content with inspiring me to new heights of describing suckness - he sucks so bad that now he’s taking what little pleasure I get from covering Buccaneer games by getting hurt so bad I can’t, in good taste, make my suck jokes about him for weeks. I mean, I can’t say that the injury to his torso might be a SUCKING chest wound, I can’t say that I hope he shows the same courage he did in returning in the 2nd half by retiring & sparing us from having to watch his incompetence ever again and I certainly can’t say that he sucks the blood-drips off a cannibal's teabag like I’d planned this week. That sucks. All I can say is that I hope he is OK as much as I hope never to see him ever start another football game....Those are some slammin’ complimentary bookends the Cats got now, but there’s summin missing with that team. I sincerely doubt that the preseason NFC faves will even make the postseason.
WASH 31 HOU 15
Was Floyd Landis the Washington waterboy for this game or what? I mean I never seen a QB look as old as Brunell did against Da Boyz. Don’t they have to make him pee in a cup after this leap out of the phone booth up over the Texans in a single bound....I guess the Houston defense is that bad – 488 yds a game so far....See, soon as Ladell Betts goes back to backup, he turns into Jim Brown. What is that?
NYJ 28 BUF 20
Not much to say about this one. All I got: Eli is the second best quarterback who calls the Meadowlands home & Loseman continues to find new ways to stink it up – adding 100+ yds to his career passing high while having his worst game of the season. The mind boggles.
BAL 15 CLE 14
Heartbreaker (see above)....Charlie Frye is very close to entering my top 10 favorite players. An o-line that actually makes them look like they’re playing two less guys than the other side, a starting running back from who’s a rookie from like ITT Tech or summin, a gleefully blitzing opponent that had yet to allow a TD and sacked him 5 times in the 1st half and he puts up 200 yds & two TDs before intermission. God, I hope they put a team around him before the shellshock sets in. He would be the most talked about player in football on a real team....There may have already been more “Huh?!?!” passes thrown this season than all of last, and Steve McNair is among the leading offenders....If Braylon Edwards ever decides to run a crossing pattern, he could be summin special.
PHIL 38 SF 24
Can you have two better first halves the the Iggles have just had? Reid will regret not making that defense play at least three full quarters before goofin, though....With ASmith showing he can at least put up numbers against bad/prevent defenses (which he couldn’t do last year), EJohnson could be your best FA pickup this week, now that they don’t have VD....I was hoping Stallworth’s hammy probs were a psychosomatic reaction to playing 2nd fiddle in Nawlins, but I guess they’re f’real.
INDY 21 JAX 14
While the Bears and Ravens are more fun to watch, I don’t think I’ve seen two defenses at the same time so good at getting a team out of their gameplan & uncomfortable like Seattle and the Jags....Freddy Taylor gave more proof of his ten-cent head today – after a fine start, he actually stopped running purposefully when his change-of-pace backup, Maurice Jones-Drew-Mellencamp outshone him....Edge’s absence is as significant in Indy as his presence in Phoenix isn’t.
MIA 13 TEN 10
Nothing in ’06 surprises me as much as Dolphin suckage. C-Pep (my pick for bargain-of-the-draft), Chambers, the defense plays entirely without spirit, even Ronnie Brown’s carries look meaningless. So much for genius & momentum....Is there anything I could say about the Titans that would be of the least interest to you?
SEA 42 NYG 30
This is the single greatest offensive innovation since the T-formation. We’ve all heard of running to set up the pass, then Air Coryell came around with passing to set up the run. But this is unprecedented – throwing interceptions to set up the premature prevent. How could football have been played for a 100 years without latching onto this concept?! Hindsight’s a bitch, eh?....This Big Shaun-plus-four-wideouts thing is gonna be fun....If you offered me Eli for Charlie Frye, I’d turn you down.
GB 31 DET 24
Answer me this – when St. Brett was in his heyday & making us wonder if we were seeing the best ever, his one cringe game each year was in Detroit. Now that he is the QBing equivalent to the toothless guy bumming cigs in a poolhall, he turns the Lion’s home into his own personal pinball game. Wassup widdat?!....I think I’d rather have a home team that was just plain awful than one who’s D-good-O-bad one week & O-good-D-bad the next. Jusy enough to lose is the most frustrating thing of all....Green Bay, Green Bay, Green Bay – I think I’m still gonna be calling them Green Bye more often, but a road wins earns them their proud old appellation this week.
CHI 16 MIN 13
The mark of a championship team is the ability to win even when you suck. Mission accomplished on both accounts....If a coach is measured by the impact he has on his team, Brad Childress has my early vote as Coach of the Year. Not only is he doing a lot with a little, skill position-wise, this team has done a complete 180 in attitude and discipline. Well done....Anybody know why CedBen didn’t take a single snap today? Not like TJ was doing anything special.
STL 16 AZ 14
It’s not because Kurt putting the ball on the ground cost them the game. It’s because there is no reason I can see why this offense shouldn’t be exciting that it is time for Matt Leinart to have a try....When there is this kind of talent on the field and the highlight of the game was that the Cards were lining up for a 77-yd FG attempt to end the game before a penalty got in the way, you win the Ugly Game of the Week.
DEN 17 NE 7
The Pats throw a shoe like this once each year it seems (SD last yr, Mia the year before). Let’s hope this was the case. Denver DBs utter mastery of of Patriots WRs has me worrying, though....Javont’s gonna be wide open 40 yards down the field at least twice a game and there’s nothing you can do to stop it....Is it going to be fun to watch Belichick’s personnel-relations deficiencies override his play-calling genius?
And that’s that. Hopefully this was the bad game I needed to get out of MY way. Sorry for the lack of humor, spirit and insight. I guess I’m just conflicted between desires to lie back and muse upon the magic of a woman’s touch & spanking it to some Chubby Mature. Play hard -
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