Archer's Bulls-Eye week #2

Separation Weekend... no... it has nothing to do with married people getting a 48 hour free pass; dream on sucker!

...did I mention that I don't like Charles Kuralt? Not to mention that I really don't have much time to write Saturday PM for a Sunday AM deadline.

This Saturday was spent preparing for and enjoying the "Going Away" party of my current hostess who will be leaving for Mexico this week and spending at least six months down there. I'm not just mentioning this as an excuse for not posting something for Sunday AM, but because it is congruent with this weeks theme also in the Fantasy Football world.... "Separation Anxiety!" Is it a coincidence that eleven of this weeks games were between close family members (aka division rivals)? I think not! Week Two is the beginning of the take over of "NFL Reality '06 vs. Fantasy Draft '06" and in the process of that take over, there are some cherished players being benched or going back into free agency... some too soon, others maybe not soon enough.

Let's examine this weeks results:


Where The Buffalo Roam or Habitat for Humanity
In preparation for this week’s showdown against JP Losman & Co., the Dolphins defense spent all week volunteering their time at a Habitat for Humanity home watching paint dry. Apparently that put them in a stupor they never recovered from before Sunday's match up. Miami head coach Nick Saban spent his extra time this week watching re-runs of Lone Ranger and Quick Draw McGraw cartoons and turned his brain to mush.

Culpepper must have been seeing a big black hole in his visions of the Bills secondary all week during practice. Too bad he didn't have time to take advantage of that gaping hole left by Vincent, because Denney and the front line of the Bills D were in Daunte's face all afternoon. Miami's first 15 passing plays resulted in 5 sacks, which translates to:

Culpepper = Rome
Bills D = Goths & Vandals.

Daunte has yet to show any signs of being the sleeper QB pick of '06 that many fantasy owners were hoping he would be. Hang tight folks!


Clawless Cats Subdued by Trickeration
The new emetic treatment for all fantasy football owners this week is Colbert & Drew, the fill-in WR’s while Smith still heals. If anyone sees a Carolina Panther equipment bag at the baggage carousel in Minneapolis today, please return it to Smith. It’s not the equipment that he’ll need any time soon, but the Hawaiian shirts and his little black book were in there, too. Smith's career is so up and down from year-to-year it needs a prescription to Depakote.

Smith's absence has hurt every other Panther fantasy player, including the defense. His return is desperately needed to salvage the year for Delhomme, Foster, maybe Williams, Kasay and even the Panther D. DeAngelo is the only Panther that has shown any signs of life or explosiveness so far this season, so without any further hesitation or Foster injury... say hello to the Panther committee. DeAngelo is in charge of procuring the entertainment for this year's party.

Longwell, who only has a few less cobwebs on his uniform than Brad Johnson, made a bid for the QB job Sunday in his 4th Quarter toss to Richard Owens. Longwell also had his grubby little hands (or feet, more precisely) involved in every single point-making opportunity the Vikes had. His Irish luck is all used up for at least a few weeks.

On the other side, Chris Gamble is on suicide watch tonight. You would think with a last name like Gamble, he'd have better luck pulling off a trick play.


Ugly Girl #2 - Bengals officially like Fatty's
The Bengals defense looked like a prom queen again today, and Charlie Frye was the corsage. Droughns was slated to get more carries this week and he did; instead of 11-27 he got 14-32, big whup! The touchdown this week helped, but so far the only way Reuben will get anywhere close to 1,000 is if he turns himself into a sandwich.

On the downside of the Bengals victory, they had almost as many MRI's performed at University of Cincinnati's Medical Center as they had points on the scoreboard. Even Chad "I gotta do the Chicken Dance" Johnson "But it hurts..." was a little loopy at the end of the game when he got his slobberer knocked hard enough to send his helmet flyin'.

Chris Henry was the only Bengals O-skill-player that didn't get too banged up, but my sources tell me he was packing a Ruger 9mm which kept the Brownies D at bay in his neck of the woods. The Bengals dance card looks ugly for the next six weeks, which means we will finally see what this team is really made of this year... the powderpuff games are over.


Don't Stand Too Close to a Naked Coach
Mark Bradley is finally ready to play and show the world what a world class receiver he can be… only problem is that the Bears have no room for him in the line up. Seriously! Both Bernard Berrian (3rd yr) and Desmond Clark had 80+ yards and a score, Mushy had 1 yard shy of 60. Little Johnny Gilmore had all of one touchdown catch in 4 years of NFL experience until Sunday when he caught 2 passes, both for scores, tripling his career TD stats. So where does that leave Mr Bradley? Out in the cold so far.

The other funny thing about this lopsided win is that all of the Bears scoring came through the air.... not one TD on the ground. Rex Grossman's 20/27 effort for 289 yards and 4 scores (ZERO ints, too!) was a lifetime zenith just like last week. Before you put him on the fantasy radar as one of the top sleeper QBs of '06, consider the competetion he's faced first.

Is it just me or do the Lions just look "naked" defensively? Boss Bailey would like to chop off a pair of hands that shall remain nameless and everyone in the Lions locker room would like to duct tape Roy Williams mouth shut.... maybe that will help open up his hands to receive those Kitna passes better. How about guaranteeing more than 6-71 next week so you can sit on the bench.


I Got Your Number Babe
Peyton is 9-0 vs the Texans. Who's yer daddy, Houston? Six of the first seven Colt drives resulted in scores.

Transcript of a Fantasy addict watching the Colts:
#1 - Cool... Stokley scored, maybe he'll be a decent #3 WR again... ooops... damn, he re-hurt his ankle. One and done it looks like. Oh well.

#2 - Awesome... the rookie Addai has good hands, too. Now it's time for Marvelous Marvin and Reggie The Boy Robbin' to get some end zone love.

#3 - Thank you Adam
#4 - Ditto and that was a 43 yarder = 4 points

#5 - Who is Fletcher? hmmm some 2nd year TE out of UCLA. Interesting! Wonder if Utecht is out now.

#6 - Thanks again Adam... c'mon Peyton let's get it in the end zone here!

PUNT!! $%&*# Christ!

#8 - 4th Q (7:56 remaining) Fuck! A running TD! It's okay, Dominic needs some love, too. Surely someone played him on their starting roster this week since he was up against Houston.

#9 - Who the fuck is Ran Carthon goddammit!! Where is my fucking Harrison TD!! 400 yards and NO SIX for Marvin!! FUCK me!

Speaking of which, what's with all the groin injuries in the NFL over the past few years? Vinatieri didn't attempt the final XP due to a groin injury. Something tells me that Mr Gould is going to be picked up en masse this week.

Who's that Texan that can't find the seam.... It's Wali! Who's that Texan that fumbles inside the red zone..... It's Wali! Who's going to replace Dominick Davis and be one of Gary's Angels.... It's Samkon! Sorry Wali! Starting gigs are for Starkist Studs! From female perfume to tuna in a split second... only Wali's turn of fortune was quicker!



I don't want to get on the cart... I'm not dead yet... look! I feel fine!
Favre had a good effort against the Aints defense... with 55 passing attempts it would seem that the game plan this week was not as run heavy as last weeks. Bad news for Green owners....all 3 of them.

My impeccable inside sources tell me that Brees had 2 pounds of greasy finger lickin' crawfish and gulf shrimp dipped in lemon garlic butter FedEx'd up from N'Awlins for his pre-game feast. This would account for the three turnovers early in the game that helped spot the Pack 13-0. In days of old that would have nailed the coffin shut on any Saints Come Marching In victory hopes.

There is no excuse for letting the Saints leave Lambeau with a W. Favre isn't dead, but his team very well could be. The last time these two clubs met it was Favre 52 - Saints 3. My how times have changed!



Welcome to another edition of Miss Cleo's 'Dem Numbers Don' Be Lyin', Child'
--Eli had 31 of 43 passing Sunday, only missed 12... the same number as receptions for Amani Toomer. Whoa scary!

--Eli had 371 yards passing and Toomer had 137 receiving, same numbers just jumbled around. Another coincidence?

--Eli went to Mississippi and Toomer went to Michigan.... both start with M the 13th letter in the alphabet.

--Eli's completion percentage was 71% and Amani scored one TD for every 69 yds.
(okay those last two were a stretch!)

The Giants scored 17 points in the 4th quarter to tie the score just before the end of regulation... and after a few overtime drives failed... Burress caught the winning strike with 3:11 left on the clock.

Those scoreboard momentum swings are a bitch... every sports fan and player knows. The Eagles had the game won and Manning on the ropes all day. Two key missed opportunities; 1)Akers missed field goal in the 2nd quarter, 2) Brian Dawkins' possible interception in overtime that wasn't ruled as such and not challenged... which resulted in the Giants winning drive continuing. Eli had one taken away last week.... and a gift this week.

Nothing like getting robbed in your own house, eh Brian?!


Same Song Different Verse... A Little Bit Louder... A Little Bit Worse!
Two weeks in a row the Baltimore D has stiffled the opposing offense and made them look ridiculously inept. Also, for the 2nd week in a row the Raiders offense is... surprise... ridiculously inept. Brooks left the game early after getting injured unsuccessfully trying to recover his second fumble in just three series. As bad as Brooks has appeared the past couple of weeks, Andrew Walter showed why he wasn't winning the starting job any time soon by adding his own hilarious foibles and hijinx with another fumble and three interceptions. 2nd Year Clipboard QB vs Ravens D = Ruh-Roh.... Rorry Reorge!

Football 101: Keep the ball out of the opponents hands as long as possible and try to score as many points as possible in the process. Art Shell has played on enough teams that knew how to implement this simple strategy. But the question is whether or not he can coach a team that knows how to play this way. So far the answer is no.

Meanwhile, the fantasy careers of Randy Moss and LaMont Jordan are drying up faster than a 40 year old prostitute. Get used to the bench fellas until this mess of a OL is cleaned up and somebody with gonads takes the wheel.

The Ravens are nowhere near an offensive juggernaut, but the good news is that they don't have to be the way their defense is playing right now. McNair is smart enough to play cautiously and methodically... Billick-ball. Some say his way of running an offense is too chicken. Maybe so... but nothing goes better with chicken than Stovers!


How do you open up a Congested Bucs D? Vicks Vapor Trail Rub
Dunn was able to amass 134 yards by hitting the holes up the middle, and just when the Bucs D came inside to contain the damage Dunn was causing, Vick would take it outside for a huge gain. Michael ended up with 127 yards on the afternoon and a visit beyond the stripe, one of his careers better efforts.

Add another name to the no-name fantasy WTF vulture HOF, as 12 year vet from Mississippi State, Fred McCrary got the only Vick TD toss for the afternoon. The brilliant career of punter/place kicker Michael Koenen was dealt a serious blow as he failed to connect on FOUR! (count 'em!) field goal attempts from inside 40 yards. Matt Schaub, his holder, has just recently confided in me that he is related to Lucy of Peanuts fame.

Simms City v2.0 was not much better than the first version, but at least this time he could connect with some of his receivers. Enough to get over 300 yards passing. He still looks like a deer in headlights though and also has no support from the run. Unfortunately, a glaring glitch of this version was the inability to workaround
the DeAngelo Hall Bucs WR simulation.


How Do You Clean A Cardinals Clock?... Use A Big Lofa!
The debut of Deion Branch was postponed another week, which turned out just fine and DJax sends his appreciation. So far the Seattle offense has looked spotty, but the defense is outstanding. Warner saw the carpet five times and was hurried at least a dozen times, which kept him from getting into any kind of rhythm.

The Cards did have an opportunity to turn things around late, but Bergen the TE, was stripped of the ball 10 yards in to Seahawk territory with about 11:00 minutes remaining in the game. Lofa "I Eat Lotsa Moo Shu" Tatupu pounced on the ball at the 29 yard line, plucking the Cardinals feathers, thus thwarting any last minute heroics by Warner & Co.


Frank & Antonio.... The San Francisco Treat
Something tells me Marc Bulger is singing a Motown classic to himself these days... "Baby, Baby, Where Did Our Love Go? And Don't You Want Me, Don't You Want Me No More." The Greatest Show On Turf has gone North, pulled up its tent stakes and left Marc Bulger and the Rams offense flappin' in the wind. One TD in two games so far! Maybe it was a combination of factors, but it looks like the 49ers D can keep pressuring opposing QBs, they put Bulger on his backside six times. The perception of the Rams having a high-octane offense capable of scoring lots of points is a memory of the past.... not a current reality.

Bryant had 4 catches for 131 yards and one was a 72 yard safety burner less than 5 minutes into the second half that put the 9ers on top for good. Gore evened the score right out of the shoot in the first possession of the half. With a 1-2 punch like that, SF could be surprising a lot of folks this year.


Mile High Clubfoot
Let me just point out for those keeping score so far....
Draft pick #3 - LT = 100 TD's... or something ridiculous like that.
Draft pick #2 - SA = 1 TD.... finally
Draft pick #1 - LJ = Nada, Zippola, Zilch, Goose Egg, The Big Zero!

The Broncos offense scores negative in style points, but the W in division play sure looks good on the resume. Even though it only resulted in 3, Jake and Walker were able to connect when it counted. But as a long time Bronco fan, I can honestly say this offense looks totally off-kilter. The Defense is holding it all together so far.

Let's Play Master and Servant
The game belonged to the Drunken Monkey Master of Dink'N'Dunk in the first half and was beginning to look like a good ol' fashioned ass whippin' when Maroney dove the last yard of a mid-3rd Quarter drive that put the Pats up 24-0. But to the Servant's credit, the Jets fought back and had opportunity to even the score late. Pennington had two receivers eclipse the C-mark and both scored second half TD's that made it interesting near the end. With about a minute left Penny was forcing a pass to McCareins when Tedy Bruschi snagged the missile and put an end to the threat.

Total yards for the Jets was 337 and 51 were on the ground. Once Mangini steps out of the One-Dimensional Twilight Zone... AFC East won't just be the Pats Playoff Playground anymore.

Assault & Battery Chargers
We have yet to see this SD defense take on a formidable offensive opponent, but they are man-handling the 98 pound weaklings like a beach bully. The Titans offense only got into enemy territory twice all day. The busiest player for Tennessee was their punter Hentrich, who had to ice his throbbing kicking foot after the game.

Michael Turner is flying off Waiver Wires so fast the computer makes that little vibrating hum sound, and hopefully if you're a LT owner you're the one doing the grabbing... but if not, there's plenty of sneaky 'cuff stealers who will.

....and that would be me.


What goes Up Must Come Down - Newtonian Physics Meets Fantasy Football.
Portis out = Skins offense sucks donkey ass. Betts and Duckett are a serious downgrade from Clinton. Brunell was celebrating his 64th birthday and had only 36 yards passing by half time. Oops, that last sentence makes perfect sense for the dyslexic readers.

Lemar Marshall or Adam Archuleta helped TO break his finger early in the first quarter of the game, so he says... while diddling his twat, which must have pre-occupied his mind so bad it just made him forget all the basics of good football.

It's back to Bledsoe and Glenn for 2-4 weeks while TO's twat heals.


Scobee Scobee Doo Where Are You
I missed this game due to a kick ass Rory Block blues concert that I wasn't going to miss for anything... even MNF. For some reason I'm imagining Big Ben as Prometheus with an open wound and instead of Ravens eating his kidneys and adrenal glands.... a pack of hungry Jaguars feasted on his large intestines tonight. As well as Batch did in the opener... and as long as the Steelers had to prepare for game #2... which was like a month or something.... I don't understand the rush to get Ben back in the line-up. Let him heal. The Steelers lost tonight anyway, so there was no benefit to rush Batch back into sideline duties.

Even though they never scored, the Jags offense looked good on the stat sheet. Taylor nearly got 100 yards, and Williams/ Jones both had good nights. Isn't it funny how Wilford had all the pre-season hype while people hated on Reggie. As good as the Jags D is, the last time they won on MNF was in 2001. Tonight's 9-0 scoring snoozer is probably why the Jags don't get invited to prime time too often. It's like inviting Aunt Harriet to go see the Chippendales dancers... you know she's going to be a party killer by falling asleep or doing her needlework and getting offended. Why bother?

I like being here on Tuesday mornings at the end of the football week... so bring your donuts or bagels and cream cheese and a strong hot cup of java... see you here next week!

Sagitta Veritas!