Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Archers Bull's Eye Week#3

In the anti-histamine haze....

Never fails this time of year is always allergy season and my sinuses fill up with so much mucous that my eyes feel like they are floating on an endless sea of snot.... whatever happens don't make me lean forward.

My observations are usually under some form of drug induced state... even if it is just that harmless Irish past-time of Beer..... but Benadryl always sends my mind to a very special place where I feel especially detached from my physical senses. If I get too weird, humor me.

In the "Found A Cure for Insomnia" Bowl....
Coach Fisher decided to bench his rookie QB this week. I've been told it was so he could make sure that Vince "C-Pep Jr," Young was paying attention to what C-Pep Sr was doing... and take notes to be sure to avoid doing the same thing in a few years.

Wanka-wanka-wanka-wanka-wanka-beuwewewewew... That's the sound Pacman makes when he has a punt return called back. Who knew one of those little phantom ghostie things had hands and could use them illegally?

We Can Hang....
Am I the only one that's noticing that whenever opposing QB's face Peyton.... they are doing their damnedest to outscore him in fantasy terms.... of course no one has done it on the scoreboard yet, where it really counts.

I don't know what's up with the sudden plethora of hyphenated names in the league... sounds like some baby mama gender confusion to me. But the Jags new RB Maurice "Space Cowboy" Drew-Jones.... (any relation to Star Blew-Jones?)... had some impressive numbers in Indy..... over 10 yards per carry. Looked like a county fair greased pig contest the way the Colts defenders were slipping off.

Somebody forgot to give Josh his Scobee Snacks. Goal post ghoulies made him miss two... one a chip shot gimme.

Clinton Blows Up...
Couldn't resist the political double entendre... but I was talking about His Portisness the Prince of Pylon. Ladell must be suffering from some Enabling Complex due to a lack of self esteem. As long as he's got the spotlight, he's the worst RB in the NFL. But as soon as everyone shifts their attention to Clintoris.... Betts puts on a show. Some people just don't do well under pressure of the spotlight.

Just days after cataract surgery Mark Brunell completes a record 22 passes before throwing his first incompletion. Mark finished the day 24 of 27 and was very humble about his accomplishment... praising his O-line for protecting him so well and his Wr's for getting open. Despite the gaudy appearances of the fly-eyes sunglasses (ala Elton John)... he was wearing them under doctor's order. While wearing the "birth control lenses" he also discovered a new 9th planet orbiting our solar system... and named it Ant-Ran El.

Pudgy Packer Breaks Cherry...
Coach McCarthy was giddy as a catholic girl in the rectory on the night of her conformation after the Packers secured their first win under his reign. The first time is always special, but be careful in Detroit.... or you could end up with Cat Scratch Fever.

Is there any reason that Detroit is acting like a neutered Lion hosting the Pack these days. At What point did Bret "Little Simba" Favre grow up to be the Lion King?

#400 is Hallowed Ground. Twenty more before the season is over is very attainable, especially with the little rookie speedster Jennings on the receiving end of those Favre tosses.

Yes Dr Frankenstein, We Have Collected Organ #2...
First Big Ben and now Chris Simms.... I just hope there really isn't some nefarious underground organ collection group harvesting an organ from each pro quarterback.... but Bad Blood (spleen) and Gruden's Golden Boy are a funny coincidence. I wonder what organ they would be targeting from Michael Vick??

Hmmmm If ever there was a shining example of sweet revenge.... KJ got a big taste of it. The Bucs have earned their 0-3 record, but the fact both of these teams went into this match up 0-2 was not the scenario either of them or their fans envisioned during pre-season.

What Simms did by playing "through the pain" was commendable, but very stupid and could have earned him a Darwin Award. A person who was in control of their job situation would never attempt to go to such extremes. This was the act of a desperate man... out of control. Simms should have been on the PUP list from the get go, but he will for sure now.

Things are getting ugly for Little Chuckie. Now he has to throw a rookie QB into the baptismal sacrificial fire.

Victor Hobson's Taxi Agency...
Trust ol' Vic to get you home in 32 yards or less.... or the cab fare is free! With near gail force winds you would think the Jets and Bills would be grounded.... but that wasn't the case at all. Losman actually had a career passing day. How much you wanna bet that 90% of those yards were "with" the wind. Yeah... nothing like mother nature assisting and giving you an arm.

Willis is a monster between the 20's, but is he allergic to end zone chalk?

The Return to the Scene of the Crime...
Just don't go near Colonel Mustard when he has a grip on the candlestick holder in the library.

With the return of TJ Whosyerdaddy and the emergence of Henry... the Bengal offense is thuggin'. The Steelers started the game like gangbusters with an 80 yard drive and Parker TD... they seemed like the Champoinship team they are capable of being... but the Bengals stepped up and answered every time. By the end of the game the Steelers looked like the cellblock bitch of the AFC North.

It takes a special team to create a Super Bowl dynasty like the Patroits... and the Steelers don't have that quality about them this year. It looks like the "Sophomore Slump" bug has Big Ben in his grips.

Tyranosaurus Rex...
Every fantasy league with managers who pay attention are suddenly finding a lack of Bear WR's in their pool of free agents, and Grossman is getting snatched up as a quality back up QB, too.

...and so it was commanded that when the missles fly from the Monsters of the Midway... The Promised Land of Sweetness... the apocalypse is near...

The Vikes had made a name for themselves by winning 3-point ball games so far this season... looks like the third time was NOT the charm, which once again establishes the Bears as the top dawg in the junkyard heap called the NFC North.

The Frye-O-Lator Cooks A Mean Bird...
On paper... the 2-0 Ravens looked like they were on target to annihilate the hapless 0-2 Brownies. Somebody forgot to tell Charlie to lay down, roll over and play dead. In Maxwell Smart fashion.... 'he missed it by that much!'

The difference was McAlister having the inside jump on a ball that was headed for Edwards in the end zone and the seven points that never made it to the scoreboard that would have sealed the upset. Maybe a more experienced QB would have thrown the ball where only Braylon had a shot at it on the outside, but all things considered the Brownies offense put in a hellacious effort.... and Frye looked good.

Since this is my column, I am going to add my one bitch for this week. WTF is up with all the pre-game 'Heap won't play' BS.... and he's the only Raven to see the end zone? I pulled him out of my starting line ups Saturday night, thinking I was saving myself from the goose egg. Fuck!?!

The Toomer is B-9..... Bingo!
Did the Giants D get stuck in Seattle traffic until the 4th Quarter? ... Their offense must have been in the passenger seat, too. If football games had an extra fifteen minute quarter, the Giants would be 3-0... as they seem to warm up after the game has already been decided. It's like the Giants need an alarm clock without a snooze button.

Eli had a great 4th quarter, but it was too little too late. Hamlin was on the receiving end of 2 of Eli's passes... which was more than Plaxico could haul in, and wearing the wrong uniform. Hopefully the bye week will give this team a chance to regroup, because they are stinking up the joint so far.

On a personal note, when my dad was in the hospital a few years ago after his stroke, he shared a room with RW McQuarter's dad... who also had a stroke at the same time. McQuarters is a Tulsa High product (I think Booker T Washington High but I'm just guessing) and at the time he was playing for the Bears. He has a nice family and I've watched his career with special effort ever since. Nice interception return Sunday.

If Alexander is out for any length of time, my season in a few leagues just ended. I'm glad I went with LT in most of the drafts where I had a top three slot, because the other top two have been less than productive considering the expectation. That is my definition of Bust City... well, other than the titty club.

Westboogie Killed Me...
I don't know how many teams I was facing Sunday had Westbrook in their line up, but it seemed like a thousand too many. Every year Westbrook has one of those games where he goes through the roof... usually against the Giants though. Without a doubt... the Eagles are firing on all cylinders. If they can keep up this pace all season, the NFC East is theirs to lose.

For two weeks in a row, Gore has had very untimely fumblitis. The 14 point swing this week was the difference maker. Looks like Mr Robinson's Neighborhood may include the 49er backfield.... oh look! It's Mr. Trolley coming to take us to the Land of Make Believe! I want to go see what would have happened if Stallworth played! ...and I want to kick the shit out of Lady Elaine, she was always such a nagging little bitch.

I'm a Loser Baby... So Why Don'cha Kill Me...
Therapist: So why don't you tell me about your dreams Kurt
Warner: Do you mean the one's where I'm married to a beauty pageant queen?
Therapist: Let's not go there this week.... tell me about yout job
Warner: Well... I have this dream of being a elite Quarterback, but.... Therapist: hmm but what?
Warner: but I keep dreaming that I am nothing more than a grocery boy who drops everything.... like my whole life is a sham and failure. Therapist: interesting.... why?
Warner: Because it has been, except for one fantastically unusual year when I could do no wrong. Everybody still thinks of me as THAT guy. But I'm not.
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Warner: Like a highly overpaid con artist.
Therapist: Is that why you take advantage of nagging injuries and fumble away games or throw so many intereceptions... Is that your cry for help Kurt?


Thanks Doc!

Let's see what Matt can do! He can't make any more mistakes that cost the game any more than what Kurt already does! Right?

Plummer Uses Just Enough Draino To Stay Employed...
Not used to seeing Bronco WR's run for 83 yards to paydirt (that is usually reserved for the backfield stars)... but Walker is showing that the Bronco investment in him was business savvy. It's just strange watching a perennial run heavy offense go to an air attack. This will bring an end to the Rule of Jake ... as the apprentice Jay is better suited to that type of offense. But for now, Jake is still employed and showing some signs of improvement with the shift of talent to the wide out position.

Brady never self-destructed (not his style), but the Bronco defense was stingy all night.... at least until the 4th quarter. Can Gabriel become that ever-needed deep threat that Brady has been missing without Branch? My Magic Eight Ball says: Try Again Later!


Oh When The Saints Come Marchin' In....
I figured that this game would be a snoozer and the Falcons would spoil the homecoming festivities.

Boy was I wrong!

Anybody play the Saints D this week? Anyone? Beuhler? The Vick & Dunn Romper Room Show was virtually shut down, which means that Monday night come-from-behind victory I was counting on went up in a puff of smoke. I'll be sure to grab the tissue box.

Once Stallworth was traded to Philly, I picked up Devery Henderson as a #3 WR flyer in a few leagues.... which has paid off with TD's two weeks running.

With homage to Led Zeppelin... What Is & What Should Never BE

The Aints are 3-0!!!!!!!!

The Cinderella slippers are off the shelf, but they won't come out of the box until next week when they get to 4-0 ....IN Carolina. What are the odds?

Sagitta Veritas

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