Monday, September 18, 2006

NUFCED by wikkidpissah


There is but one reason why football is far and away America’s most popular sport – quite simply, it's because it is war. It is an event because, unlike our other league sports, it is only played once a week. But it is only played once a week because it can only BE played once a week. And it can only be played once a week because it is WAR.

Like the old Carlin routine, it is war because there is a line of combat between sides; it is war because of the martial way the ball is advanced; it is war because the combatants must wear armor to have any chance of survival. But, mostly, it is war because it is relentless. If there is the slightest gap in your vigilance, you will be outflanked, outfought, outlived.

When you hafta write about 15 games in a day, you must not only be a multitasker in your game-watching habits, but you must compose as you go – finding a theme for each game to fit the particulars as you witness them. Without them, it is easy to forget the important details. You also have to come up with an opening for the column.

As I was watching the Eagles totally paste the Giants, I decided my opening would be a goof on yesterday’s Separation Saturday in the NCAAs by pointing out the half-dozen or so NFL teams that really seemed to be a separate cut above the rest. The Eagles were gonna be a big part of that, as their defense was bitchslapping Eli & Co. and their offense looked like they were close to rivaling the Colts as the leagues most high-powered. I was looking forward to calling the Phil-NYG game the most lopsided 10 pt. game I’ve ever seen & was hoping the Giants would score late so I could call it the most lopsided 3-pt. or 7-pt game I've seen. Apparently the Eagles started thinking the same way and started playing like PREvent Nancies. Vrrrroom! Blowout-to-loss like THAT!!. This game is relentless – relax before you should and you’re in trouble, get caught back on your heels when in trouble and you’re dead. I loooooooove this game!!

Speaking of war, we welcome our pal Jimed home from his. And the homecoming party should be grand since he went 3-for-3 on his plays this week for a tidy eight bills. May this call-up have been your last. Thank you for your service.

Let’s look at week 2’s onslaughts, pitched battles & surrenders:

ATL 14 TB 3

CHRIS SIMMS SUCKS RANCID BUTTPLUGS!!!! I mean, really – he has no clue out there. Joey Galloway worked the seams like a hungry ho, giving Blondie Jr. just enough not to be benched, but he’s JUUUUST AWFUL. Almost willfully lost, if that’s possible....In hindsight, how could we have overlooked how to make Mr. Mexico a QB who matters – render him the least important part of your team. We have anointed him, placed the mantle of MARVEL upon him, schooled him on staying home, educated him on West Coast offenses and all he did was bust balloons. What if we developed an o-line, running game & defense and then became able to tell him “you don’t have to save us, just don’t fuck it up!” He might relax & play!. Hmmmm....Warrick Dunn has become my 2nd favorite fb player & is closing the gap between he & DMac FAST! He’s like Nicole Richie winning a pie-eating contest at a fat camp out there....A ticky-tack blocking penalty canceled a great defensive TD by DBrooks (which may cost me a FFB win)

CHI 34 DET 7

Man, are there some defenses out there or what?! The Lions have had to face prolly the two best in their first two games & may not recover....Don’t go dropping anything to claim Grossman off this. He’ll never be more than OK (and I was never one of his detractors),...I’m not going comment on the Lions until they face Green Bye next week, but KJ fumbled twice AGAIN....A team as far ahead as Da Bearss should have run the ball better than they did.

CIN 34 CLE 17

They haven’t faced any real competition yet, but the Bengals really impress. They could be the most balanced team in the game....Maaaan, that Brownie o-line is awful. Charlie Frye could end up being one of the best improvisers in the game, if only from the practice he’ll get behind them....TJHoushyerdaddy better stop rubbing his sore pussy and get back in the boffin’ – Chris Henry’s next crime will be stealing his job.

BAL 28 OAK 6

How would you like to make your NFL QBing debut against the Ravens? I like Andy Walter & am glad he’ll be taking Brooks’ job, but he had as much a chance as Tippi Hedren walking past the jungle gym against those Birds....Pollution alert: the Air stunk out there....Today was a perfect end to Aaron’s career as a QB, if that be the case – he fumbled a snap, did not practice snaps afterward while the defense was on the field, fumbled his next snap, faked an injury & spent the rest of the game wincing whenever someone walked by. Even Jerry Porter was laughing....I know why Jamal sucks anymore – he’s got worse happy feet than Chris Simms. You’re 230 lbs & can still run under 4.5 – the endzone is thataway, jackass.

BUF 16 MIA 6

Yeesh, maybe it wasn’t Frerotte after all. Nick Saban should be kept away from a playchart like Michael Moore from Li’l Debbie....They ain’t as blitzalicious as they were two years ago, but the Buf D is buff again....C-Pep’s 250 was as inconsequential as Simms’ 317.

NO 34 GB

Boy, it’s gonna be a long year in Green Bye. No excuses – two early Brees fumbles caused by each GB DE spotted the Pack 13 pts and it didn’t mean a doggone thang. It’s a good thing there’s no hurricanes in Upper Wisconsin, cuz the floodgates there are even worse than New Orleans’....Unfortunately, the early deficit caused the Saints to go to a total pass mode which they didn’t leave even after they had a lead, so we still don’t really have a sense of what that offense will be like. Don’t look good for Bush fans, fantasywise, tho.

MIN 16 CAR 13 OT

The Vikes offense was completely dominated for three quarters here but, like they did last week, they stayed totally within what they could do offensively and prevailed. My complements to the new coach & old QB. With the improving D, ’06 could possibly not suck in Minny.... So far, Davis, not Smith, has been the most significant Steve missing from the Cats’ O. Coach Fox best be watching film of the ’06 Eagles offense while waiting for Smitty to return - with their outside skill players and utter lack of an inside game they better have the same gleeful “fuck it” approach as Philly offensively to succeed.

INDY 43 HOU 24

Like we say on the hardtop, you ain’t a chukkah if you make ‘em....When WON”T the Houston autumn be long?

NYG 30 PHIL 24

After watching their first seven Qs of the season, I was entirely comfortable claiming the Iggles to be the equal of any team in FB. They scored at will and, with the help of Eli’s non-existent pocket sense, were beatin on Giants like they was Midgets. A collapse like this could make or break an entire season. Stay tuned....,The media was on the younger Manning’s part in the comeback like, white on bone but, as sons of HOF QBs go, he has a LOT more in common with Simms than his brother....Still trying to figure out how a DE combo like New York has could be so invisible against a team that doesn’t even pretend it has an inside game....Got Moss (either one)? Trade him for Stallworth. You won’t be sorry.

Unfortunately, I missed most of the afternoon action after being notified of the death of a friend and enlisted to phone my share of the old crew. I guess smoking wasn’t such a great idea after all. The Chiefs/Broncs game was on while I was making the calls, but I’ll just hafta coment off that and some boxscores.

DEN 9 KC 6

Yeah, the Chief’s lost their QB & a coldfront blowing thru the Rockies (I been wearing a sweater all day at a time of yr when its usually 90 here) created some premature football weather, but there’s no excuse for this....When Jake the Jamoke gets off the pipe or is replaced, Javon’t is gonna have a hella season....If I was a Chief’s fan, I’d be missing Vermeil like a long-throated ex – even if Herm turns things around.

SF 20 STL 13
I guess Alex Smith is a guy I'm always gonna be wrong about. Even tho I HATE the starting of rookies at QB, I thought he had a chance to be passable. His '05 season was soooo bad that, i my stat system, he graded almost as far behind the next worst QB (Orton) as Orton did behind Manning & Palmer. His throwing may be off here & there, but he's leading that team....If there's any justice in the world (stipulating that there usually isn't) Bulger will be the starting QB in '07 - for the Detroit Lions. Marc is a Martz QB & Martz don't have a Martz QB. He don't look right for this system....Looks like Gore will be the FFB draft bargain of the yr. Hope y'all enjoy crossing your fingers, though.

SEA 21 AZ 10

I guess Phoenix is destined to be the sucking wound in the NFL’s chest. No matter the quality of players they assemble, the end result always seems equally painful....Meet Lofa – your NFL DMVP.

SD 40 TENN 7
Has there ever been a more dominant start than the Chargers have had? Then again, have there ever been two weaker opening opponents than they’ve faced? ....I can believe Coach Fish could put together such a lousy team. I just can’t imagine that he’d coach them so poorly....If LT2 is chillin on the bench this early all season, could Turner outrush him?

NE 24 NYJ 17

Shouldn’t question genius, but I don’t think the Pats O is yet well enough developed to shut it down in the 2nd half, no matter how good the 1st was....Jerricurl Crotchety wins the Wk 2 Presence-of-Mind Award....Sure looking like there will be several teams with 2 1,000-yd rushers, don’t it?

DAL 27 WASH 10

Pisspoor end to a good football day....Ladell Betts should never start another NFL game - he hasn't got the skills to be any more than a backup. The only time Gibbs offense works when Clintoris is out is with Rock Cartwright. But it is amazing how badly a Gibbs offense works without a star RB....Da Boyz don't look like much more than a .500 team to me....I knew that my friend Chief Jay Longspurtz would put a curse on Coo-Coo-Coo-ley-o after the H-back went unconscious to beat him in our $ league playoff game. Time to respect his curses - CC didn't catch his 1st '06 pass til garbage time of Wk 2.

Though we lost track of each other, I’ll miss you, Danny Tuttle. Your tireless work bringing orgasms to disadvantaged women was unmatched in the field....or on the pool table....or in a pool...or with sisters in an elevator. You made Colin Farrell look like Professor Frink, will live ever in my memory as a force of nature & make me feel very, very old with your passing. Play hard -


Professor Ellis D Trails said...

great stuff wikk, I had to pick up grossman as I had rivers on a bye and simms was my other guy, ouch

Professor Ellis D Trails said...

i was dead on this week about Addai though. He helped me beat you in fameball.