Saturday, September 23, 2006

JBond's Unnamed Guest Column

2 of 3 Tri-States agree this column rocks!

Making my LR debut, I’m going take you through the Tri-state area and
the hip football experiences we’re having. Except I’m leaving out West
Virginia because no one cares about West Virginia.

Firstly, Ohio State has beaten Penn State (by more than the spread
might I add). This was the game where OSU’s DEFENSE had to pull it out
instead of the future Heisman winner Troy Smith and the offense.
Luckily Anthony Morelli has an arm like JoePa and coughed it up way too
much to give OSU the win. Tonight is a night to celebrate in Ohio.

Look for Ohio State to struggle one more time next week against Iowa,
but pull it out then flash brilliance all the way up until Michigan.
At this point, that game could go either way, but we shall see how it
all falls.

Secondly, this Sunday the biggest match-up is easily the Cincinnati
Bengals against the Pittsburgh Steelers. Being a Steelers fan
surrounded by Bengals fans, I’m going to break it down, tell you how to
bet, and share the hype that is coming on.

What the Steelers must do to win:

1. Bench “-1” Willie Parker

Maybe not literally, but he has to do something. A running joke
between my friends and I is that Willie Parker’s number should be –1
because that is the amount of yardage he gets per play. –1, 2, 1, 0,
-1, 80 just doesn’t cut it for rushes. Willie Parker fools you into
thinking he is good. Guess what? 26 yards vs. Jacksonville won’t cut
it. The Bengals are weak, and the Steelers O-line and RB NEED to go
for the jugular.

2. Destroy the human part of cyborg Roethlisberger

Ben needs to just be healthy, flat out. No 104 temperature, no one tap
to his stomach and he will explode, no 5 seconds away from becoming
Nicholas Cage in Ghost Rider, none of that. Look people, the Bengals
defense blows when they don’t get turnovers. They are all druggies and
violent individuals. They can be torn apart. If Big Ben sucks, he
might just cry in a corner when this is over.

3. Bring Kimo back

If we can coax the helmet loving Jet back onto the Steelers for a game,
we MAY be able to stop the offense. Hopefully this time it will be
Chad Johnson’s girly mohawk that has the cancer and we’ll give him the
Kimo! Oh wait, Kimo is gone…


What the Bengals must do to win:

1. Not get arrested, suspended, or hurt

If your starting MLB is on the roids, your OLB broke his neck, and your
S and starting OG are out, you best not have any more injuries. Your
run defense already blows chunks, don’t lose more guys. To counteract
this, see the Steelers list, #3.

2. Blond Mohawk > Black Dreads

In other words, Chad Johnson needs to outplay Ike Taylor. Contrary to
his little chart, he didn’t do that last year and got shut down in the
two games in Cinci. Taylor didn’t play too hot last week, and though
he is one of the most underrated corners in the game, CJ needs to beat
him down to win. Remember, in all three games last year Chad Johnson
never went over 100 yards and never had a TD against the Steelers.

3. Bengals fans need to stop saying “Who Dey?”

Seriously, your team has sucked for the last 20 years, you don’t get
the honor of having annoying sayings until you are good for like 10
straight.

My prediction? I think the Steelers win by a point. Close battle,
lots of scoring (bet the over). If I had to put money down, I’d def.
take Cinci +2. In a close battle like this, the points are a must.
This WILL be the best game of the week, even if no one with cancer is
given the Kimo.

3 comments:

Southie Savant aka jimed said...

Welcome to the family.

"Who Dey???

JBond93 said...

I will nail you jimed! I'm excited for this. Now I am known the world over.

Professor Ellis D Trails said...

cincy will smash them bond, jbond