Archers Bulls-Eye #1

...and now for the Andy Rooney portion of the Locker Room act.

Week #1 is in the can. “In the can” is the perfect euphemism for all the brilliant fantasy draft schemes that have gone up in smoke already. Relax – it’s only the first game. Weirdness abounds. If we get to week #4 and Shaun Alexander doesn’t have a 100-yd game under his belt, then we can send out the search party to kidnap John Madden so he can never jinx another fantasy player as long as he lives.

On the positive side for me, there is more than enough weirdness to write about in this Sunday’s Observations… I just have no idea where to start and what to edit. I’ll start with the early Thursday night game, since the weirdness began there and should have been a harbinger to all fantasy managers to hold on tight… the ride is going to get bumpy.

Batch who?
After two 3-and-out series, the defending Super Bowl champions finally find the end zone with their highly-touted QB Roethlisberger tossing a 27 yard strike to Hines Ward, the hardest working WR in America. What? You mean it wasn’t Big Ben? Who’s Charlie Batch? Some washed up never-was from Eastern Michigan! And it wasn’t Ward either. Christ, what’s going on here! Who is Nate Washington? Why aren’t the fantasy studs getting in the end zone to start off the season right? Where are all these nobody’s coming from?

Batch had a great night, since being traded to the Steelers in ’02 he’s only thrown one touchdown… against Miami he had three. In related news, I hear that Big Ben is going to have his appendix bronzed so Charlie can put it on his mantle.

Nothing like a little replay controversy to start the season off with either…. My sources tell me that Heath Miller was seen just before the game with a bottle of Gorilla Glue and the Miami red flags right outside the officials’ locker room. What else would explain the hesitation? I don’t think Saban was practicing any Buster Keaton comedy routines.

Billy “White Shoes” Johnson was re-incarnated and played in the body of Dolphin return specialist and wiry WR - Wes Welker. Just remember; it’s not the size of the dog in the fight….

Hello Billy... this is Carl Peterson
Since when does QB injury and recovery have to be a tag team sport? Palmer looked good coming back. Green looked like a basketball that was being dribbled and then had the air let out all of a sudden. Motionless forever it seemed. The announcers didn’t make it any better by saying it looked worse than it really was.

Have you ever noticed how some girls can look pretty when they are accompanied by the right fatter and uglier girl? The Bengals D was that "sometimes pretty girl" today. The Chiefs O-line was the right uglier and fatter girl. Both Green and Huard were under pressure all day long, and if the Bengals can do this to the Chiefs, wait until they have a real tough D to contend with. Hermie has his work cut out for him to keep this offense productive.

Other than Trent’s head, the air of thousands of LJ #1 draft pick fantasy owners just got deflated today. Huard is a journeyman QB, probably not too mobile, maybe less mobile than Trent was after the hit. LJ may have to become a licensed First Responder and carry a portable defibrillator just in case.

I wonder if Volek's phone will be ringing soon?

I don't think we've hit the 9th level yet
“A healthy and happy” McNabb threw for 314 yards and three touchdowns. Sports hernias are a bitch, worse than any nagging woman ever thought of being. Glad to see Donovan get over that bad spell. I always wondered though, if there was any connection between his hernia and the TO fall out. In either case, there was a spastic colon with some bad shit in it trying to squirm its way out of something it shouldn't have been.

And thanks for spreading the love around today Donovan! Stallworth, Westboogie and Brown all saw the other side of the goal line. My inside sources tell me that Donte stopped into one of those voodoo shops before leaving N’Awlins… and as long as he keeps wearing that vial of possum piss around his neck during the game…. He’ll be a stud this year.

It was only the hapless Texans secondary, but could we be calling the #1 slot in Philly "Donte's Inferno"?


If it walks like a duck...
Seattle defensive end Bryce Fisher said it was not an ugly win.
"I've never seen one," Fisher said. "It's like an ugly baby -- you never see one."

Bryce has never been to a rural Deep South hospital. Ugly babies are everywhere. You can’t throw a stick without one of them trying to fetch it.

….and that WAS an ugly win!

Now introducing in the challengers corner weighing 375 pounds each … The new fantasy D for ’06: Detroit Lions.


Bush League down and dirty
The new feel good porn movie of the late summer season has just hit theaters everywhere…. It’s a story of a revitalized “Chocolate” city reaching out its hands to a hapless So. Cal. Heisman-trophy winning Running back (not OJ) who doesn’t score a lot, but when he does… it will be very special. It’s called “Katrina’s Bush – The Pleasure in Pain.” Just don't go near the wet spot.

Please remember this in the future when I make reference to Bush-owning fantasy players diddling themselves while no name players like Marques Colston get in the end zone.

Every fisherman knows about the time he had a big one on the line and after spending hours trying to work it back and forth… the line breaks and the fish gets away. Edwards had a 74-yd fish get away that would have been the difference-maker in this game. Unfortunately, those are the ones you remember.

The Ladies Man..... Passes
Did you ever notice that once you get the reputation of being a ladies man, no matter how hard you try to stay faithful and settle down... everyone still thinks you're a ladies man. Some labels just stick. Ain't that right Ron Mexico?!

I'll take "Out of its Element" for $600 Alex.
A: Two touchdown passes and no interceptions against the Panther D.
Q: What is something that Michael Vick would never do in a million years.

Vegetable Mangini never runs
Pennington/Coles got a 153 yard shot in the arm to start off '06. That's good because the running game looked awful. Mangini has done wonders as an OC, and just might have the Jets flying in style this year. Speaking of flying, Delta has just started serving Vegetable Mangini for its dinner flights.... and the sauce is so thick it never runs, and passes right through you. *rimshot*

Simm City Gradkowski patch
What happened to Chris? He has to be Aviaphobic or something! The Bucs might as well go retro and wear the orange uniforms with that kind of performance. Gradkowski was no better than Simms, but at least he has the excuse of being a rookie. If Chris keeps this up, he'll end up in Chicago pretty soon as their #1 QB.

Does anyone know the Kelly bluebook value on a year old Caddy.... with low milage? Something tells me I'm going to get hosed on this trade in.

McNair was back to his old Superman ways. Well, 180 yards and a touchdown isn't all that great, but considering what Boller would have done... it's freaking amazing stuff! The Ravens D is back to its black and purple bruisin' with the healthy return of Lewis. And Ngata gotta lotta giddy-up in his 340 pound self. Haloti-loti get your adverbs here. How about... Haloti "Where's the oxygen tank?" Ngata "Gotta Breathe!"

Golden Leg Wilkins 6-for-7
Didn't Plummer have only 7 or 8 interceptions in all last year? Drafting Cutler must have rattled his cage somethin' fierce. The Bell duo didn't disappoint; Tatum had the yards and Mike had the TD. Surely science can come up with some way of reverse cloning to morph these two backs into one, called.... Matum.... or Tike.

Haslett must have brought some more of the New Orleans voodoo to the Rams D, or maybe getting Witherspoon from the Panthers was just a great off-seaon acquisition. Something is wrong with an offense where the QB gets you 8 fantasy points and the kicker gets you 20!

Enough with the G---kowski's already!
Brady's new favorite running back... London Fletcher-Baker (don't you hate it when girls don't get rid of their last name when they marry!). Seriously, the only Brady handoff (which was actually a fumble) to result in a touchdown was to London. Growing up around horses out in the Rocky Mountains, I learned a few things that can apply in other areas. Like when you have an old stud who's used to a certain bevy of females... keep him there. When you bring in new females, he gets out of sorts quickly and does irrational things... like humping a dead tree. Brady was kinda like that Sunday. Humping a dead tree. Where's my Branch?

Where's The Star?
Owens triumphant return to football was anti-climactic, even with an 80 yard afternoon and one visit to the end zone. It wasn't enough to help the 'Boys to a victory, and too late to showboat. It seemed that Drew's favorite receivers happened to be wearing the wrong color of blue. That IS dark blue that the Jags are wearing these days isn't it?

Where have all the good times gone?
How many times have the Packers been shut out at home on opening day? For the past 16 years with Bret at the helm, the answer is zero.... and not just on opening day; but any home game during the season. Stealing a game plan from my dating life, the Packers went three-and-out so many times I lost count. But it's a beer town... so it will be okay.

Grossman didn't look too bad, which is surprising because he's never finished a full game healthy. Green Bay even doubled up on the sideline EMS staff and everything. The Bears D and their kicker still remain excellent fantasy players. Something about the Bears special teams just lends itself to all kinds of kick return scoring, the latest name plugged in to benefit is Devin Hester a rookie DB out of Miami.

The temperature in Glendale is now 72 degrees year round
The 49ers may not win enough games to be above the .500 mark, but they might be fantasy gold with all the points they score and yardage they amass. Smith didn't make any glaring mistakes and seemed to run the offense with enough confidence to pull off some effective misdirection plays. The Gore and Davis fumbles early put the Cards on top for good, but the 9ers were never out of it.

James appears to retain his stud status, since he was doing more than his share of work to get the yards he did... once the O-line helps him a little, he's got it made in the .... A/C.

Manning Bowl I
Peyton: my team beat you, so there
Eli: but I scored more TD's
Peyton: 26-21... read 'em and weep
Eli: Only because that stupid interference call
Peyton: You know dad always loved me best
Eli: Mom!!

Apparently there are people out there who think that Manning Bowl II will be February '07.... I'm not one of them.

In the Nursing Home QB decathalon....
The Redskins new offense strategy: Running backs catch passes and wide receivers run end arounds. Brilliant! Most importantly to fantasy owners everywhere: Taylor didn't suck and Portis scored. Your draft day decisions didn't screw you guys over after all. In the end the difference in this game.... "Gimpy" Hall was wide left.

New this fall on ESPN... X-rated MNF with MILF's
Maybe the Oakland offense can co-star in an episode of Six Feet Under. It's a bad sign when the QB scrambles for 27 yards and out-rushes the feature back by seven yards. On the other side, Rivers' job was easy... drop back two steps and give the ball to LT. Philip even got in a late scoring toss to Gates just to keep us all happy. Two throws to WR's!! 48 handoffs!! Hmmmm maybe Shotty can just figure out a way to hike the ball to LT and cut out the middle man.

I hate to finish things off on a sour note, but I have to mention the disappointment in the lack of a Brooks/Moss highlight reel. Don't tell me that the Chargers secondary is THAT good!

Next week I'll be doing a Sunday morning Charles Kuralt kind of thing....

Sagitta Veritas