Monday, October 17, 2005

NUFCED by wikkidpissah

I turned fifty-one years of age this past week. I guess, now, I get to say I’m “in my fifties” instead of “fitty”, and it’s not as bad as it sounds. If one has made something of their first half-century, the pressure is really off in the second. Unless, that is, one loses one’s job and must begin all over again to ensure a proper retirement. A recent back injury has put me in that position. My life’s goal has been to avoid being a clock-puncher as much as possible and I’ve fulfilled that for the lion’s share of my existence. My options are to take one last shot at showbiz (where the young decision makers avoid dealing with the AARP-eligible on principle) or be a clocking-in pitboss for the remainder of my working days. I’ve decided to use a year and my last hot connection to try and be something my fifties. Wish me luck.

To commemorate the occasion, this week I’ll be looking at the early results of those in the NFL working on a second, other or last chance. Lessee –

The top second-chance story of the season so far has to be the reunion of Drew Bledsoe, Terry Glenn and Bill Parcells. Much as I hate everything Cowboy and still expect a couple of good hits to propel Bledsoe back into shellshock, I am enjoying the hell out of this pumpkin ride and hope midnight never arrives.

Speaking of former Patriots, I’ve been watching Antihawaiian Smith squander his promise for over a decade now and have never seen the joy of running he exhibited today. Let’s hope it’s not the six weeks rest he has on his potential tacklers which has put the bounce in his 35 yo step and that he and his beleaguered team can piece together a non-embarrassing remainder to their season.

A close second to the Dallas triumvirate’s comeback story has to be that of Thomas Jones. I thought he was a total bum with the Cards (mostly due to my only trip to Phoenix to see a football game in which TJ had the most thoroughly terrible game I’ve seen an RB have) and laughed when he couldn’t beat out Mike Pittman in two different cities. I must admit I overdrafted him last year, when I thought he was a perfect fit for the Bear offense designed by Terry Shea (who’d resurrected Priest’s career at KC), for which I suffered when they couldn’t find a healthy and/or competent QB to run it. As a result, he can’t be found on a single of my ’05 rosters. I suppose I will overdraft him again in ’06, whereupon he will spontaneously explode. Nonetheless, all that cannot detract from his combination of skill and toughness only being exceeded this season by McNabb.

Had a faint hope that Vinny T’s return from incontinent retirement would be as illustrious as that of another 43yo who’s leading his baseball team to its first title (btw, Clemens can barely walk when he’s not afield – they have to bring him sodas and stuff. What a stud!), but this guy’s just old. Makes me yearn for the dazzling footwork of Bernie Kosar. Surprisingly, Vinny’s comeback wasn’t a QBs most embarrassing – helloooooo, Tommy Maddox.

Trent Dilfer’s attempt to become the Steve DeBerg of the new millennium is starting not to work out. If the Bills ever take the handcuffs from Kelly Holcomb, he could be the next candidate.

And, finally, to give Creekie a giggle for yet another arcane hiphop reference, “Don’t call it a comeback”...we all overrated this guy two years ago, gave up on him too quickly when Penny couldn’t stay on the field last season, but Santana is once again campaigning to be the best Moss in football. Randy sure helped him today (see game capsule). Speaking of which:

CAR 21 DET 20

If god is a football fan he will make sure that, after Joey is replaced for good and all in Detroit, he will NEVER get a chance at a comeback. Most gutless QB I’ve ever seen....Much as Jake-not-Snake is my favorite non-Patriot QB on my favorite non-Patriot team (although I reeeeally overrated them) a week off would give me a chance to resurrect all my Weinke jokes, my 47th favorite football-related activity.

DAL 16 NYG 13 OT

Proof I should be listened to when I speak of TEs – drafted AGates on all six of my teams last season, JShockey on 8 of my 11 this year...Somebody tell me – is Tiki wearing out or are the Gints fools for moving away from a Tiki-based offense?....Much fun as da Boyz are, Parcells almost deserved to lose for punishing TThompson for last week’s fumbles (both ruled to be after the whistle) with but three carries yesterday.


Love....Exciting and New
come aboard, we're expecting you

soon will be making another run
The Love Boat
promises something for everyone

Set a course for adventure,
your mind's on a new romance

And Love....
won't hurt anymore
it's an open smile
on a friendly shore

It's Love
Welcome aboard it's love

BAL 16 CLE 3

I watch the Sunday games with a couple originally from Ohio, the husband a Cincinatan and his wife, a Clevelander. Boy, does Raven hate run deep on the Cuyahoga – I swear this gal would be happy with a 2-14 record each year as long as those two wins came over Modell’s traitors. She was as unhappy with the result as I was having to watch as much of that pigwallow of a game as I did.

CIN 31 TENN 23

I like Rudi Johnson and hope he has a long and fruitful career, but the Bengals are a whole ’nother team with Chris Perry in the backfield – he may bust the UMich RB pro jinx....the Titans are a lot better than any team that lost all those players has a right to be.

TB 27 MIA 13

Congratulations, Sticky Icky Ricky – it appears you’ll get to ruin this year’s Phins as much by your return as you did last season’s by your departure. It’s what we all needed – another RBBC....It was garbage time, but CSimms sure looked comfy out there.

JAX 23 PGH 17 OT

Can the end of a game GET uglier than this? Steelers miss a chipshot FG, Lefty (who’s rapidly convincing me he’s not an NFL QB) tosses an INT with his team in FG range, Maddox fumbles, Jags lose 17 yards in a three-&-out, Maddox throws game-losing INT....whew!....Why did it take so long for the Jags to give big Greg Jones his shot?

ATL 34 NO 31

*Wikkid spares readers from weekly Mike Vick rant, applauds Saints for coming back from two dreadful mistakes and San Antonitos for their excellent support of this team*

KC 28 WASH 21

Well, at least these teams FINALLY remembered they have the two best receiving RBs in football, which bodes well for their respective futures.....Man – TGreen’s game has grayed as quickly as his hair....I'm becoming a big Chris Cooley fan....Clintoris’ embarrassingly hilarious TD drought continues.

SD 27 OAK 14

Shameful as it is, I am certain that Randy quit this game. He’s been phoning it in lately but, with his 1st look being picked off and his team down two TDs, once Moss got sandwiched like a Minnetonka hooker on his next look, he stayed down in order to quit the game. Anyone with eyes had to be surprised that he came out of the hit with the new all-encompassing loafer’s complaint, a groin injury. What a pissy little bitch!....Another game like yesterday’s and I remove the “2” from the abbrev. of Tomlinson’s name.

DEN 28 NE 20

Shanny is fast becoming the Vick of coaches with me, with his waaay premature lead-sitting almost costing him the W again....How do you not have consistent blitz packages with the fastest LB corps in football history?!....If Bill had shown as much faith early in Patrick Pass as he did late, he wouldn’t have had to mount a comeback.

BUF 27 NYJ 17

McGahee is prolly the best lunchbucket power back in the game now – shame their idiot OC won’t call more play-actions to capitalize on that.....Didn’t Vinny used to live & die with his TEs (targeted but twice yesterday)?....Bills’ run D must suck to let CMart back in the 100 yd column with no threat from the passing game.

SEA 42 HOU 10

From the Department of Redundancy Department: Big Shaun’s last two home games – 140 rushing yards, 4 TDs & 141 rushing yards, 4TDs (good to see he’s on the improve). I wanna know what he orders from Starbucks’ on Sunday mornings. Which subject am I being more lamely repetitive with: Vick hate or wondering why Tice and Capers still have jobs?

Finally, back to the subject of second chances – congrats to the Chisox on their first World Series since ’59 (the first Series I remember). May the Black Sox Curse end as summarily as Babe’s did last season. Nufced.

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