Monday, October 10, 2005

NUFCED by wikkidpissah


In my fifty years on this impatient rock, the change of which I am most happily proud, is the expansion of opportunity for entire classes of people who had none when I was born. The change of which I am most sadly ashamed is the elevation of stupidity to an art, if not a culture. In the world I entered, stupidity was isolated and ridiculed; in the era of so many liberations, it became confused in the great desire for everyone to have self determination as something to be tolerated; and, now, in the scramble for customers among our media, it has come to be celebrated. Beginning in the blackout bits of Howard Stern & drive-time radio, given a face by the creators of Al Bundy and stripped of propriety by the Jackass crew, it is presently in the hands of people who do not realize those all were jokes. Reality television leapt upon the boom and saved a generation from having to be exposed to actual writing by giving us chunky governesses who astound their clientele by using common sense, situational contrivances anyone not wiping drool should be able to decipher and the master of self-involved, rose-glasssed lunkheadedry, Donald Trump. The big payoff was when a man with what can most generously be described as a tenuous grasp of the obvious was elected and re-elected to be Leader of the Free World. Finally, thanks to presidents & publicists, NASCAR & news networks, it has actually become better to be stupid than to be smart. Feel free to look up the preceding words, as I lament that the only real progress of my lifetime has been from cruelty to idiocy.

What has that to do with #3 receivers, IDPs & handcuffs? I haven’t a clue, which apparently gives me more company than I’m used to having. I thought I’d point out the stoopid & not-so-stupid in what is going in the FF world in general, and in the games of week #5 in particular.

STOOPID (FFB Division):
- having too many FFB franchises – operating 3-6 teams per yr, I stayed involved with the every move of each & was in the playoffs with 90% of them: with this yr’s 11 franchises, I don’t know if I’m ahead or behind in most games and am a collective eight games below .500.
- while trying to develop FFB theories that go against the grain expands and improves the dialogue, drafting by all of them leads to waaaay too much lineup instability.
- congratulating or doubting yourself because your started/benched RBs 24-58 game included two likely accidental TDs.
- ultimate stupidity: EXPECTING certain results from WRs – the matchups, assignments & reliance upon the efficiency of co-receivers (not to mention that of so many other depts.) creates mad fluctuations in the stats of even the best WRs & always will.

STOOPID (Real FB Division):
-RBBC – I am finally convinced that substituting RBs to take advantage of their particular skills or avoid ego problems is madness. Momentum and flow are the most important aspects of offensive performance and subbing does half the defense’s work by disrupting those.
- Failure to play-fake at the right times and stick with what works at others. This is the bastard child of the play-scripting of Bill Walsh. Listen, OCs everywhere – you are not as smart as Bill Walsh & creating too many plays robs you of the ability to go with what’s working and fake off of what they’re defending. Mixin em up is mixin you up....stop it!
- ultimate stupidity: killing the golden goose. It’s hard to criticize a team that’s 5-0 & yesterday won a road game by 25, but the largest mistake being made in ’05 is the stranglehold Tony Dungy has put on the Colts’ offense. They are sooo good that they can play as tentatively as they did today against a bad defense and still shitstomp them, but I am here predicting they will not win a playoff game this year, either, if the coach doesn’t remove the chokecollar from PMan & the boys. Tony, Toni, Tone – do it the college powerhouse way: score the five 1st-half TDs, score the sixth in the 1st drive of the 2nd & sit everybody. They’ll be just as rested in January and won’t have screwed the pooch beyond repair. Nufced.

Spent too much time on the soapbox, so the game capsules are shorter than usual.

DET 35 BAL 17

The incompetence of the Ravens’ offense is reeeeally starting to infect the defense. They’re still stickin folks & givin em what fer, but they’re over-pursuing AND having lapses of concentration...a deadly combo....The two worst things on TV are still “Joey” and Joey.

CLE 20 CHI 10

The boringness of this well-fought game caused me to look elsewhere in the Ticket eight-cast & I totally missed how the Bears let this winnable road game get away from them....Which is uglier – getting beat by Antonio freakin Bryant or the fact of that resulting in the “1st place Detroit Lions”?

BUF 20 MIA 14

Kelly Holcomb was neither deliverer nor over-rated bum, but at least his lack of incompetence let the Bills breathe a sigh of relief and get back to playin some football....I hope the hype over the return of StickyIckyRicky does not distract the Phins from realizing that a Ronnie-Brown-&-play-fakes offense is their best chance at a .500 season.

NE 31 ATL 28

Hate to be a homersexual, but my Patsies DON’T lose two-in-a-row & can’t nobody make em!!....I don’t pray but I really, really wish Vicky would fall victim to one of his “Mexican” STDs – the Falcs are a better team without him.

SEA 31 STL 27

What “Instant Elimination” pickers weren’t killed by the Rams in wk 1 were picked off by this “sure thing”....I’m sooo happy for Jumpin Joe Jurevicius – I started him in all of his comebacks from jellyknees with the Giants & Bucs, but didn’t grab him for a single one of my teams this wk *forehead slap*....I STILL say if the NFL North played the NFL West every week, the Midwesterners would come out on top.

NYJ 14 TB 12

Vinny T for FEMA Director! Rescued the Jets from disaster straight from the Home....Mike Pittman is a fair-weather back & always will be – the Bucs cant make the speed lane without their Caddy (8,513th automobile reference on the season regarding Carnell Williams).

TENN 34 HOU 20

If Dom Capers coached a game against Mike Tice, no one would win. Time for the Texans to fire ol’ Dom and tell his replacement to inform his team that whoever next allows Carr to be sacked will be immediately cut and build from there....sheesh! His teams sucks, but McNair is all the way back.

INDY 28 SF 3

Is holding your prize rookie QB back til your team faces the NFL’s 3 top-rated defenses consecutively not the 2nd stupidest idea of the season?....Don’t get cocky, Barlow owners – the Colts rushed four & dropped seven all day to beat the rook, so he was running against a virtual prevent the entire game.

CAR 24 AZ 20

Is there a more fun combo in football than Jake & Smitty?....Did that sound waaaay too much like summin from Larry King’s old USA Today column?....Boldin & Fitz are the real deal, McCown is not (damn, did it again!).

DEN 21 WASH 19

Will Shanny insist on still starting Mike the Marine just to try to prove he was right? He ain’t the worst, but is easily the most frustrating coach in the league – sat on the lead waaaay too early. Clintportis’ TD-free season would be funny if it weren’t so sad.

DAL 33 PHIL 10

That may be the flattest I’ve ever seen a good team be.....The smartest thing Parcell does? Always going for it on 4th-&-short – there’s no better way to show a team you believe in them....In case you’re wondering, I promised myself never to write about Keyshawn a long time ago.

JAX 23 CIN 20

There’s ONE reason Cincy didn’t win – not starting Chris Henry (who made several near-spectacular plays last wk & is the most impressive rookie WR I’ve seen this season) in Housh’s absence. Dead horse I will continue to beat: the Jags’ one chance at being playoff-worthy went out the window when they scrapped the Matt-Jones-as-decoy offense with which they began the season.

Don’t ever change – I want to make fun of you just the way you are. Nufced


GBinSB06 said...

wikkid, why you leavin my Pack recap out of your column? they finally win and you just dog em like dat, dawg!

wikkidpissah said...

sorry, dood - shit like that happens after watchin 9 hrs of football & writin about it for 2 more. favre is god! can I hear an amen?!