NUFCED by wikkidpissah

BAD DAY

We’ve all had one of those irredeemably awful days which can only be compared to quicksand. When you know you’re in trouble right away, but any effort to extract yourself only hastens your demise. When the only peace-of-mind comes in surrender to the concept of drowning in mud. When one-to-all of the following occur: your last two hours of sleep are spent playing dream tag with the alarm clock; you mistakenly think you hit the snooze and finally relax into sleep just in time to ruin any chance of being on time the entire morning; your frank & beans are seared like ahi tuna by the wife’s perfectly timed flush-flash; the kids detonate your clarity of thought with the depth & variety of their needs before you even get started; your relatively easy commute (compared to LA, DC, NY) is ruined over & over by the total ignorance of the average motorist to the concept of flow; your job reminds you in all its special ways that you’ll not be free unto death; your terminal case of the stares causes a woman you can’t abide to think you like her & then one you DO like to be totally creeped out; the return commute is worse than the morning’s because everyone is ordering food out, kids home & spouses around on their celphones; your market stop finds you sandwiched in line between a chatty fossilhead with coupons and a tattooed endomorph anxious to imbibe the pre-mixed Jack Daniels beverage he’s holding; the marital argument you are as powerless to understand as to stop; the videotape you made to watch tonight turns out to be of the wrong channel or already taped over; the before-bed sandwich representing the day’s last chance for a comforting moment is ruined by the glass of expired milk; no means no; the bedtime whirring in your head slows just enough to let you drop off when the mate treats you to a footfreeze, sleepshudder or sheetgrab.

A lot of bad days were had in Sunday’s NFL action. Let’s have a look:

NYG 36 WASH 0
Halloween Special: The ghost of Wellington Mara flushed Jimmy Hoffa out of the Meadowlands’ endzone & haunted the Redskins into one of the worst performances a team-on-a-roll has ever had, winning them the Bad Day Sweepstakes. The invocation of the softball rule could have saved all but Giants’ fans 3Q of misery. Know-it-all Special: See how much better things go when Tiki gets 1st call, Tom?

CHI 19 DET 13
Bad day: Jeff Garcia was pounded like a teenage pud all game long – can’t hold the ending against him in light of that...Wikkid's MOTO (Master of the Obvious) statement of the day: Chicago defense kicks ass & takes names...Prediction: Lions win NFC Morris, going 6-2 (if JG stays healthy) the rest of their Bear-free way, while offensive inconsistency limits Chicago to a .500 2nd half.

DAL 34 AZ 13
Bad day: Julius Jones - goes from favorite son to roadblock-to-success in eight days, through no fault of his own. He don’t deserve it - da Boyz’ road-grading O-line was as responsible for MBarber’s brilliant game as the rookie’s mad talent. Hell, JJArrington coulda run through them holes. Bad evaluation: been guaranteeing you kids that, for good or ill, Big Denny would give the job back to Warner this week due to a preseason signing promise. Either Green’s honor or my observational skills takes a hit.

STL 24 JAX 21
Bad day: my fantasy lineups. When I left the house this morning to drive up to Santa Fe for the games & a Halloween party, Fred Taylor was predicted to be out. Congratulating myself for my canny acquisition of Greg Jones for several teams, I plugged him into my many bye-depleted lineups. So, what’s damn near the 1st highlight of the day? Fragile Fred running for a 777-yd. TD, of course! I was probably the FFB forums earliest advocate of Kevin Curtis but benched him this week due to the combination of Latin pop sensation Ricky Martin at QB and the NFL’s top pass defense. So what’s the next goddam highlight, 43 seconds after Fred? Curtis catching an 888-yd TD pass! *LALALA* Mama said there’d be days like this. There’d be days like this, my mama said. *LALALA*

HOU 19 CLE 16
Bad day: Matt Leinart – his decision not to spend ’05 by the Bay brings him closer to lake-effect interceptions every day. Worse day: Texans’ offensive coordinator, even in victory. Much to my hosts’ chagrin but eventual amusement, I would punch this game up from the eightcast whenever Houston had the ball & predict virtually every play they ran. Reminded me of when I & a buddy got tossed out of a club years ago for guessing a blues band’s awful lyrics and singing them (or comic alternatives) ahead of schedule.

CIN 21 GB 14
Bad day: The Legend – I’ll say it again, this is fast becoming the most embarrassing end to a HOF career since my beloved Say Hey Kid stumbled around Shea Stadium in ’73. Attn: Wellington Mara’s Ghost– since, in life, you always did what was best for the league, please haunt Favre’s opposing defenses the rest of the way that he may recover some dignity. Except on MNF, that is – Madden’s hummerizing homages are sickening enough already. Almost as bad a day: Bengals’ game-planning. You’ve been figured out, boys. If you can’t put away a bad team that is offering up the ball like a communion host, you got no continuity. Work on that.

CAR 38 MIN 13
Bad day: (tie) Fred Smoot & Chris Chambers. “Huh?!” you may ask. “I understand Smoot - he yakked the shutdown smak on Smitty, then let him run-up 200+. But Chambers?!” Yes, I know – he plays for neither Minny nor Carolina, but he lost his title as Weirdest Guy To Lead His Team In Rushing. Tied with MeMo for the Viking rushing lead was 93yo CPep fill-in Brad Freakin’ Johnson. BOO!!!

OAK 34 TEN 25
Bad day: Jerry Porter fantasy owners. Not only did they prolly have him on the bench for this performance but, now, they’ll play him like five weeks in a row without seeing its equal from JP. It’s all in the nature of the species described in the Audubon Guide as the Yellow-Breasted Hoperaiser. As I’ve often said to those who inquire about my own wasted potential, “can’t dash hopes ‘til you’ve raised them”. Runnerup: THenry – congratulations, your return from cronicitis turned THE Chrissy Brown into a gutsy performer.

SD 28 KC 20
Bad day: observances. I’m sure Dick Vermeil would have liked to celebrate his 417th birthday & Trent Green honor his father’s passing with better performances than this. There was never a doubt who’d win this one and it was only even close cuz Schottsie defied human reason by running LT2 but EIGHT times in the 1st three quarters. Runnerup: anyone who has to cover Gates when he’s feelin it.

MIA 21 NO 6
Bad day: the state of Louisiana...AGAIN. The Saints celebrated the return to their long-suffering fan base with their worst performance of ’05 (yes, I remember the GB game). The perplexing-unto-infuriating gamecalling of prodigal genius Lou Saban kept this within grasp were only the Haslett eleven to stop pissing into the wind. But NOOOOOOOOO!!! Come to think of it, the best result of hurricane season could be the loss of this feckless franchise to San Antone & points beyond.

SF 15 TB 10
Bad day: competence. 25 of the 30 mind-numbing possessions in this game lasted less than two minutes. Chris Simms looked as lost as Ken Dorsey (pretty horrible considering the differences in defenses) and, without some nifty improvisations by Joey Galloway, would have looked as lost as Alex Smith. Scary bad. Scaaarrrry, scaaarrry bad.

DEN 49 PHIL 21
Bad day: Andy Reid’s mental health. It is said that insanity is the repetition of a behavior with the expectation of differing results. Lessee – I think I’ll offer no semblance of a running game when even drunken hotdog vendors know that my quarterback can’t throw deep without searing pain (if at all) and expect to succeed. Yeah, that’s it! That’s the ticket!! Were it not for Shanny’s taste for allowing comebacks to everyone short of Pia Zadora and the unbelievable courage of DMac (though I’m starting to wonder if the greater courage wouldn’t be to step aside for a while) this would have been as ugly as a lower-abdominal distension. Runnerup: expectation. How does a defense allow like eight yards to the best RB in the NFL, then allow 8,000,000,013 yards to the Broncos’ two-headed monster? BOO!!!

NE 21 BUF 16
Bad day: Those for whom NFL Sunday action is incomplete without my entire coverage of each game. I’m going out, won’t see the game, not gonna pretend I did & don’t expect to return home in a condition to do more than fill in the score & hit the “publish” button. Trick or treat!

And that’s that. I’ll be dressing for Halloween as Creekie’s chance of getting some in his 17th year. That means I’ll be invisible. BWAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

WETBOAT'S SUNDAY MUSINGS, WEEK 8 (LATE!!!!!!)

That's me, before the apple accident.

I got some splainin' to do to my boss crow. See, I was supposed to write my weekly Sunday article for LOCKERROOM on time. Well, on Saturday night, my girlfriend made me dress like Harriet Miers for a Halloween party on the Upper East Side which we ended up not attending, and on Sunday she really (and I mean REALLY) convinced me to skip watching perhaps the most important Washington Redskins game in the last 6 years to go apple-picking with her in upstate New York. I love my girlfriend, but hell, I wasn't gonna miss the game for anything, especially if it's against the hated New York Giants for first place in the NFC East. Between my girlfriend and the Redskins, the choice was easy -- I taped the game on my VCR for later viewing.

So, Boss, I hope you understand, especially now that I've been hit in the head by an apple that fell from a tree in a Catskills apple orchard, and staggered home only to find out that my Redskins were mashed up like rotten apples. Lord knows, I've gotten enough punishment already.

As I munch on a ripe Empire apple (one of 35 I plucked from the trees today), I am thinking about the current state of fantasy football. It's really come a long way since it was conceived back in the early 1990's by a cadre of stat-crazy phootball phanatics who scoured the football box scores and calculated their own standings on the backs of envelopes. Obviously, the Internet has played a large role in the increasing popularity of the fantasy football phenomenon, as the ease with which football websites calculate statistics and scores for fantasy teams have enabled casual gamers to jump onto the bandwagon. Indeed, in the last couple years, awareness of fantasy football has exploded to the point where advertisers and TV networks are fighting to garner a piece of the action, with ESPN running fantasy reports, and all kinds of sport industry companies appending their names to anything remotely related to fantasy football.

Unfortunately, anything that explodes in popularity, without the concomitant increase in quality, cheapens the value of the game. Just as unheralded Quentin Griffin's 4-TD performance in the first game of the 2004 season elevated him to near-mythic status among fantasy football gamers, and his ensuing poor performance and, ultimately, a devastating injury against tougher defenses sent him crashing back to earth, I'm afraid that fantasy football is facing that same fate. This isn't to say that fantasy football will go extinct the way of the Toronto Raptors -- far from it. It's just that it's now reached critical mass, with almost everyone, their friend, and uncle playing against each other in about 12 fantasy football leagues. Websites that used to offer free fantasy advice now force you to pay through your nose to read just the very same advice -- which turns out to be just as useless as the advice your grandmother gave you on whether or not to pick up middle-finger-wagging Kyle Orton. People who know next to nothing about fantasy football are literally spending hundreds of dollars to be part of a fantasy football league, and pulling their hairs out trying to figure out whether to start Shaun Alexander against Baltimore or Kevan Barlow against Houston. (As anybody with an ounce of fantasy football brain knows, you never bench a stud vs. a tough defense for some has-been vs. a lousy defense.)

This reminds me of poker. The reason poker books have been selling like hotcakes is because of ESPN's "The World Series of Poker." Once something hits TV or the Internet, interest in that type of game or sport skyrockets, with people clamoring to try their hand at something they've never really tried before, as if they feel that winning at that game will solve everything that is wrong with their lives. I love poker, and many men do (and yes, my girlfriend -- she knows how to play a mean 7-card stud), but I just find all that publicity over poker to be insane. I mean, at the local Barnes & Noble bookstore, they now sell glorified poker chip sets. At a Barnes & Noble?? In a few years, the general public just isn't going to care about poker, and that's fine with me -- poker can safely return to its own little respectable corner in the gambling universe. But, in the process, poker has changed permanently. Las Vegas is only too happy to see the explosion of interest in poker (read: more $ for casino coffers), and online poker is here to stay. Poker strategies that have stood the test of time among professionals have been upended by the masses of amateurs entering poker tournaments, and literally winning in the process.

Fantasy football is here to stay, and I'm only too happy to see more and more people get involved in this fascinating game, as fantasy football reaches cool Madison Avenue status. However, just like poker, fantasy football is a game of both luck and strategy. You can make all the right picks and make the right lineup decisions, but that's not going to prevent your rookie opponent from winning the fantasy football championship if he just happens to be dumb-lucky enough to field both a stud and the two top-scoring sleepers in the same lineup. Unfortunately for us old salts in the fantasy football world, we're going to see more and more fantasy football players who love the real sport of football but have little or no knowledge or even the tactfulness of fielding the right fantasy football lineup.

And, guess what, some of them will win their league championships, no matter whether we like it or not.

Fantasy football is here to stay, and so will those masses of newbies. The best we can do is to keep doing what we have been good at doing, and that is making the right choices and fielding the right lineups -- because those decisions minimize our reliance on luck to win games. That works more often than not.

LOCKERROOM STAFF STUPID CHECK

Since Creekie is apparently still doing without web access in the wake of Hurricane Wilma, I thought to fill the space by embarrassing the LR staff for your entertainment. Here, as we approach the halfway point of the '05 NFL season (can you believe it already?!), are our preseason predictions. Might as well start it off with your humbled executive editor:

wikkidpissah -

Five for '05 Bold Predictions:
1. Kerry Collins will be permanently benched at some point this season.
2. Priest Holmes' record-challenging season will lead K.C. to the AFC Championship.
3. Carolina will have the most regular-season wins in the NFL.
4. Rookie of the Year: Chiefs' LB Derrick Johnson
5. I have a bet of a compromising photo (semi-naked with a cone over our privates) displayed on this site with a Fanball poster that TO will garner more fantasy pts. this season the Randy Moss, so i guess that qualifies as #5.

5 guys I'd trade up for:
1. Priest
2. KJ
3. Carson Palmer
4. Jeremy Shocker
5. Ronald Curry

5 guys you won't see on my fantasy roster:
1. Julius Jones
2. Antonio Gates (on all 7 of my teams last yr.)
3. Javon Walker
4. Jake Plummer
5. Drew Bennett

Creek -

5 for '05, Bold Predictions:
1. Michael Bennett will stay healthy, and will have a 1,000 yard, 10 TD season
2. Lions WR Roy Williams will be outscored by both Charles Rogers, and Mike Williams
3. The Kansas City Chiefs will make the playoffs, in spite of their defense, which is not improved as they would like you to believe.
4. Norv Turner and Jim Hasslet will be searching for a new job by years end
5. The Packers will beat Minnesota twice

picks for '05:
AFC East 1. New England 12-4 2. NY Jets 10-6 *3. Buffalo 7-9 4. Miami 4-12
AFC North 1. Baltimore 11-5 2. Pittsburgh 9-7 3. Cincinnati 9-7 4. Cleveland 3-13
AFC South 1. Indianapolis 13-3 2. Jacksonville 9-7* 3. Houston 7-9 4. Tennessee 7-9
AFC West 1. Kansas City 11-5 2. San Diego 8-8 3. Denver 7-9 4. Oakland 6-10
NFC East 1. Philadelphia 12-4 2. NY Giants 7-9 3. Dallas 5-11 4. Washington 5-11
NFC North 1. Minnesota 9-7 2. Green Bay 7-9 3. Detroit 7-9 4. Chicago 4-12
NFC South 1. Carolina 11-5 2. Atlanta 10-6* 3. New Orleans 7-9 4. Tampa Bay 7-9
NFC West 1. Arizona 9-7 2. St. Louis 9-7* 3. Seattle 7-9 4. San Francisco 2-14

Super Bowl: New England 20 Philadelphia 17

Sir Rufus Wetboat -

TOP 5 PREDICTIONS:
1. Daunte Culpepper will not have a great 2005 season. One only has to look at what happened to former Vikings quarterbacks post-Randy Moss: Randall Cunningham - He was on his way to retirement until the Vikings came calling, and he produced terrific numbers during Randy Moss' rookieseason. Then he retired; Jeff George - Randy Moss was the reason this dude signed a sweet deal with the Redskins. He was cut after his first game as a starter under Marty Schottenheimer; Gus Frerotte: Headbutt produced beautiful numbers when he spelled Culpepper.
2. Reuben Droughns will be a sleeper for the 2nd straight year. Mark my words.
3. Andre Johnson will be the next Terrell Owens. In 2004, AJ joined a very elite club of WR's who received the most career receptions in their first 2 years. The only WR's in that club: Terrell Owens, Randy Moss, Marvin Harrison, and a 4th guy I forget. (Google can only go so far.)
4. Rookie of the Year: Heath Miller. With Plaxico Burress gone, and the running backs not getting any younger, Heath is a great outlet for Big Ben when he can't find the other big receiver, Hines Ward. Arrington and Cadillac will provide decent numbers, but I'm going out on a limb here with a TE for theaward.
5. Ricky Williams will actually do something useful this year.

TOP 5 PLAYERS I WOULD TRADE UP FOR:
1. LaDainian Tomlinson
2. Peyton Manning
3. Andre Johnson
4. Randy Moss
5. Shaun Alexander

TOP 5 PLAYERS I WOULDN'T WANT ON MY TEAM:
1. Jake Plummer
2. Priest Holmes
3. Todd Heap
4. Fred Taylor
5. Ahman Green

Jimed -

TOP 5 TO TRADE UP FOR:
1. Peyton Manning- no matter what your scoring format, he will outscore every RB on the board.
2. LT2- The man is a beast, & will carry your team to the championship game.
3. Shaun Alexander- He has been the most consistant scoring RB in the last 5 years. A threat to take it to the house every play, oh, he has excellant hands, will gain the extra yards out in the flat.
4. Chad johnson- picture Randy Moss with out the hype, hair attitude & low IQ
5.Marvin Harrison- Old, but if I had Peyton throwing to me, I would catch 10 TD every year, & I suck!!!!

TOP 5 YOU WONT SEE ON MY ROSTER EVER.
1.Jeremy Shockey- 2 words, A-Hole.
2. Randy moss- Stupidity & no inner drive getting old. would rather 2 second tier WRs than his tired ass.
3.Michael Vick- I don't speak Mexican.
4.Fred Taylor- I like my probes made of glass, not my RBs
5.Drew Bledsoe- He killed me when he was with the Pats, screw him & the Tuna (editor's note: Jimed traded BFavre to me for DBledsoe to cover a bye earlier this season)

TOP 5 SLEEPERS
1. Billy Volek- McNair goes down more than Seka. He is old & brittle. If you don't handcuff him with Volek, sorry.
2. Larry Johnson - Priest cant take the pounding any more. He is going in late 5th or early 6th. Guess why?
3. Ronald Curry- Moss makes him get 1 on 1 coverage. #3 on depth chart, but has #1 talent. He is slow (clocked with a sundial) but position & hands make up for that.
4. Ben Watson- you heard it here first. This guy is a beast. got hurt in first game last year. he will be the Pats leader in red zone catches this year.
5. Frank Gore- Barlow sucks more than a San Francisco hooker & Gore was better than Mcgahee in Miami.

TOP 5 BUSTS:
1. Priest Holmes- i dont think he makes it into week 5.
2. Willis Mcgahee- J.P. Losman (J.P stands for Just Punt). You might see 9 in the box till the Rookie(yeah he's not, so what) can prove that he has stones.
3.Plaxico Burress- Gonna find out how hard it is to be the man.
4.Jason Witten- true Drew Bledsoe hangs in the pocket, but makes bad decisions. Witten will be forced to block for him, as their right side of the line has sprung a leak.
5. Ty Law- Has been hurt last 2 years, & will miss alot of time this year as well

GBin -

1) PRIEST HOLMES will be the #1 fantasy RB this season, NOT LT or SA
2) Carson Palmer will finish the season as a top 5 Fantasy QB
3) Donovan Mcnabb will NOT finish in the top 5 Fantasy QBs
4) Clinton Portis will NOT finish in the top TEN fantasy RBs
5) Phillip Rivers will be the SD starter by week 6.

5 Guys I'd trade up for:
1) Mike Anderson
2) Lee Evans
3) Julius Jones
4) Javon Walker
5) Steve Smith

5 Guys I refuse to draft:
1) Michael Vick
2) Kerry Collins
3) Moosh Muhammad
4) KJ
5) Benson

Mr. Ellipsis -

Five Guys to Trade For - Beyond the obvious “draft this guy first” advice you’ve heard every day, you should target these guys for trades before the season starts:

-Shaun Alexander – One yard was all he needed last year, and that one yard will be the burr under his saddle this season. The pundits call him a touchdown machine, and after this year they’ll add in the total yards title as well. However, many an autodraft owner will not yet appreciate what they have in their hands. If you have Priest and an alleged top-tier WR, find the owner in your league that has Shaun and play “Let’s Make a Deal”.
- Marc Bulger – Steven Jackson will make the entire Rams’ offense better, and Bulger is primed to be the main beneficiary. The power running game will make opposing defenses play honest and open up the passing game more than ever for St. Louis. If you have Trent Green or Brett Favre, get hooked up with Bulger’s owner now.
- Torry Holt – Bulger has to have someone to throw it to, and Torry will be his #1 target. Isaac Bruce is still a viable threat, and speedster Kevin Curtis will stretch the defensive backfield in Holt’s favor. If you have Javon Walker, Joe Horn, AJ or Hines, trade them in a package now for Holt.
- Jason Witten & Jeremy Shockey – The tight end alphabet is ready to move up a few notches. This year’s owners of last year’s most popular and productive guys at this position (Gates & Gonzo) will consider them to be nearly untouchable, and that’s just fine. I’d rather be holding J&J than one of the G Unit. Both are ready for breakout years. Tony G. is counting on a QB that may be fighting health issues all season, and Antonio G. will have a tough time repeating last year’s performance. If you have one of the G brothers, maybe now is the time to “trade down” and get the other owner to sweeten the pot.
- Paul Edinger – The mercurial position of kicker is one of the toughest to get predictable value from. Just look at Mike Vanderjagt’s performance last year, the victim of an offense that was too effective. Edinger is well placed to be this year’s surprise kicker. He’s got a good groove going from preseason, just won his position battle and is joining an offense that will be just “bad” enough to give him mucho scoring opportunities. This is another trade-down opportunity that might catch the other owner by surprise. If you are holding Sebastian Janikowski or Ryan Longwell, don’t hesitate to combine them on a trade proposal to Edinger’s owner. Maybe you can get them to throw in this year’s surprise defense (see my bold predictions).

Five Bold Predictions - Write ‘em down folks – that’s OK, I did it for you:

- The Pack is … Not Back – The Green Bay Packers will not finish over .500. Without decent blocking from the o-line, Brett Favre and Ahman Greeen will look very mortal and Najeh Davenport will be the starting RB before the season is over (sorry GBin). The Packers' need to score many points (no defense) will be their ultimate undoing.
- Raising Arizona – The most improved defense for the 2005-2006 season will be the Arizona Cardinals. Combined with a healthy, productive wide receiving corps and a fresh new running game (thank you JJ Arrington), this defense will help the Cardinals finish the season with a 10-6 record and the top wildcard slot in the NFC. The crowning regular season achievement will be a home victory over the Philadelphia Eagles on Christmas Eve.
- Mr. 2000 - Shaun Alexander will rush for 2000 yards (can you say contract year?), but the Seahawks will still end their season in the first round of the playoffs and the Holmgren era will officially come to an end.
- The Dynasty Takes a Break – The Patriots have gone through more changes than any recent Super Bowl winner, but the two biggest are the loss of Belichick’s number one lieutenants, Romeo Crennel and Charley Weis. The team’s front-loaded schedule will leave them at no better than 3-3, and a final record of 9-7 is not out of the question. The key games in their drive to the post-season will be the December clashes versus the retooled New York Jets. Don’t miss MNF the day after Christmas!
- Comeback Player Award – Joe Gibbs does not tolerate embarrassment well, and last season can be considered nothing but that. Although the QB situation may resemble a merry-go-round by season’s end, Clinton Portis will return to stud status. With a healthy offensive line and a new running attack, expect no fewer than 1600 yards rushing and 15 TDs. Hey, everyone is allowed at least one homer pick!

Five RBs that will never be on my fantasy football roster - We all desire the “stud” running backs to pile up the points we need to win those weekly H2H matchups. Don’t count on any of these guys this season:
- Tatum Bell – It’s not the man, it’s the system. Unlike the studs of the NFL, Tater Tots will never have job security with Shanahan on the hot seat (that’s right) and should only be selected if Mike Anderson gets hit by a bus.
- Speaking of which …Duce Staley – I’ve got two words for you here – Jerome Bettis. This TD vulture will never rest, and Duce will never be worth anything more than a desperation ploy for fantasy points. Besides, the guy is injured for crissakes!
- Michael Bennett – Between the dreaded RBBC and Mike Tice, I can never get excited about having this oft-injured schmuck on my roster. I got sucked into the hype last year – never again.
- Fred Taylor – I looked up the word “fragile” in my Webster’s, found this man’s picture right next to it. Believers say it ain’t so, but that ain’t my church, baby. Don’t touch Freddy unless you’re in a 16 team league that plays 3 RBs every week and your other RBs are Tatum Bell, Duce Staley and Michael Bennett!
- Marcel Shipp – OK, this one is too easy since JJ arrived. Funny, though, how many people take him anyway. You’re better off with Bell than sitting at the bottom of this barrel.

Well, there you go - all in all, a pretty even mix of prescience & poppycock. God help me, I LOVE predictions!

FECKLESS FORECAST by wikkidpissah

Well, that weren’t too bad. In my 1st week as a prognosticator, I went 8-5-1 against the spread (enough to beat the vig), my best bet came in, and all of the #1 point-earners at their positions were in my top 5s. All that means that I will be much bolder in my selections this week, which is always one of the leading indicators for a crash & burn. Let’s have a look:

GAMES/SPREADS – NFL WK 8 (selections at left)

Wash +2 @ NYG – Gonna ride the Redskin express as long as it’s got wheels. I’m starting to think this team might be the White Sox (congrats to the Southsiders) of the NFL. Plus, Burress’ dicey health makes coverage so much easier.
Cin -9 vs GB – Cincy gets back on track against the same team that re-railed the Vikes.
Chi +3 @ Det – Lions decimated receiver corps the difference in this meeting of (gulp) NFC North co-leaders.
Minny +8 @ Car – Too many people jump back on the Vikings bandwagon at the slightest sign of life. I’m not one of them, but the number’s just too big for the Cats off a bye.
Az +9 @ Dal – again, too big a #. Kinda like under 40 ½ on this’n, too.
Hou -2 vs Cle – bad teams usually win their 1st reasonable chance at victory.
NO -2 vs Mia – BEST BET. Saints psyched in return to La. And face a team playing the wrong QB and not playing the right RB enough.
SD -6 vs KC – a team who needs to shitstomp somebody against another team making bad personnel decisions.
SF +11 vs TB – Niners suck dead bones, but eleven points at home against a 1st-time-starting QB?! Nuh-uh.
Phil +3 ½ @ Den – with two teams which have specialized mostly in allowing improbable 2nd half comeback, that half-point is huuuge.
NE -9 vs Buf – Don’t like this pick at all (again, a big # off a bye) but using shitstomp factor again.
Pgh -9 ½ vs Bal – 2nd best bet. Most likely shutout of the year.

No lines yet on Jax-Stl or Oak-Tenn. Will revise when there are.

FANTASY PERFORMERS – WK 8

QB
1. CPalmer vs GB
2. JDelhomme vs Min
3. MBrunell @ NYG
4. TBrady vs Buf.
5. DCulpepper @ Car
6. ABrooks vs Mia
7. BFavre @ Cin
8. DMcNabb @ Den
9. DBrees vs KC
10.KCollins @ Tenn
11.BRoethlisberger vs Bal
12. CSimms @ SF
13. JPlummer vs Phil
14 .EManning vs Wash
15. TGreen @ SD
16. KHolcomb @ NE
17. DBledsoe vs Az
Not a great matchup week for most QBs – if you need my 18-20 picks, you’re gonna lose.

RB
1. LT2 vs KC
2. Clintoris @ NYG
3. TB starter @ SF
4. NE starter vs Buf
5. Dal starter vs Az
6. Jax starter @ Stl (noticing a trend?)
7. LJordan @ Tenn
8. DDavis vs Cle
9. RBrown @ NO
10. PHolmes @ SD
11. RJohnson vs GB
12. RDroughns @ Hou
13. WMcGahee @ NE
14. WParker vs Bal
15. TJones @ Det
16. BWestboogie @ Den
17. MMoore @ Car.
18. SJackson vs Jax
19. TBarber vs Wash
20. (tie) NGoings vs Minn, THenry vs Oak


WR
1. CJohnson vs GB
2. SSmith vs Min
3. SMoss @ NYG
4. RMoss @ Ten
5. JGalloway @ SF
6. HWard vs Bal
7. TO @ Den
8. DDriver @ Cin
9. JSmith @ Stl
10. LFitz @ Dal
11. TJHoosh @ GB
12. BEdwards @ Hou
13 LEvans @ NE (designated Duane Starks beater)
14. CChambers vs NO (Sage plays 3 Qs)
15. EKennison @ SD
16. DGivens vs Buf
17. RSmith vs Phil
18. TGlenn vs Az
19. KMcCardell vs KC
20. (tie) hospital ward grad among Burress, Holt, Horn/Hakim, RoyBoy

TE
Quantifying TE performance is a ridiculous freakin endeavor, especially when so many coins out there are going unflipped

K
Quantifying kicker performance is for those who find quantifying TE performance overstimulating but need a break from watching chubby mature porn.

DEF
1. Pgh vs Bal
2. Jax @ Stl
3. Dal vs Az
4. Cle @ Hou
5. NO vs Mia
6. TB @ SF
7. Det vs Chi
8. Chi @ Det
9. Cin vs GB
10. NE vs Buf
Not too much defense gonna be played outside of those games.

T’sit. Goodbye baseball, hello basketball. Football is forever.

By The Numbers - Week 7

Time for a look at the fantasy numbers for week 7. Two RBs had breakout performances, and a pile of QBs resembled a dung heap.

Sanford & Son

Lamont Sanford – 122 yards rushing, 40 yards receiving and three TDs = 26 fantasy points in a pasting of the Buffalo Bills. Who needs Randy Moss …

Clinton Portis – This favorite son in Washington finally broke through, albeit against 49ers. His 101 yards rushing and 3 TDs = 23 fantasy points, and saved me in one league. Let’s see if he can do something similar against the Giants (I sure hope so).

TE update: Gonzo may be on the road back, Gates had a good week, but Bubba? The TEBC approach may work in the real world, but it sucks for fantasy owners. Can a TE be a vulture?

More Disappointing QBs …

I thought week 6 was the QB nadir, but week 7 brought even more joy to unlucky (or dim-witted) owners in deep leagues. One rookie continues to disappoint, one veteran now has the team bus in reverse, and one vulture needs to find a new position.

Poor Alex Smith, he gets feasted on by the Redskins to the tune of 92 yards passing, a pick, a fumble and 5 sacks. His negative 3 points has future defenses slobbering, and if Alex won't oblige, Ken Dorsey may be the first starting in QB history to end up with a sub-zero performance for the season.

It’s official … Trent Dilfer is going backwards. After a horrible week 6 performance in which he scored negative 4 points, he trumped himself with a minus 5 point stinker in week 7. How about these eye-popping numbers: 74 yards passing, no TDs and three picks. Throw in 4 sacks and you get the quadfecta (?). Quick, maybe you should start the Houston defense for week 8 …

Ron Mexico (a.k.a. Michael Vick) saved his fantasy owners with two vulture TDs. Given to their rightful owner (Warrick Dunn), Vick’s true fantasy performance would have been negative 4 points (119 yards passing and three picks). Only Vinny Testaverde looked worse statistically, with three fumbles and a pick for negative 6 points.

Aaron Brooks is not looking so bad after all …

This Week in Fantasy History

This week, we take a look at another mile high performance from the Denver history books. In week 8 of the 1998 season, Terrell Davis rushed for 136 yards and 3 TDs, and he pulled in 5 catches for 76 yards. That’s 27 fantasy points, enough to make any fantasy owner jump for joy and call for oxygen at the same time.

BTW, from all of us at the LR, hats off to Wellington Mara.

WELCOME, NOODLES

Today, we welcome a new contributing editor to the staff of LOCKERROOM. Noodles is from Bloomington, Indiana, where he is most famous for having been child star of the U of Indiana public access kiddie show "Bumpy the Clown", featuring the clumsiest entertainer in southern Indiana television history. Proof of this remains with Noodles to this day for one time, during a cowboy skit which caused our young friend to be wearing foam-rubber chaps, Bumpy tripped over a wagon wheel, shoving young Noodles into a space heater positioned off stage left. Our little guy was melted over 1.974366% of his body. Part of the settlement involved the establishment and lifelong perpetuation of his own public access station where Noodles, when not making his living as a professsional Mumbletypegs player, espouses constantly on subjects like animal wifery, his fear of close-up magic & moderate extremism. Welcome aboard, friend.

NUFCED by wikkidpissah

“The sum of the square roots of any two sides of an isosceles triangle is equal to the square root of the remaining side. Oh joy! Rapture! I got a brain!”

For over twenty years, the lion’s share of my income has come from the gambling profession. For the last fifteen I’ve made my money on both sides of the table, but I’ve made my entire living playing horses and poker (as I am now) for significant periods of time. While not noble, it has been pleasurable and exciting and has called the best from my brilliant organism. In my early years as a gambler (only horses, then), a noob asked me what the original appeal to me was. “The certainty of it”, said I. “I can form an opinion based on thousands, if not, millions of factors; back that opinion with cash and, a minute and ten seconds later, know for sure if I was right or wrong.”

Think of how few questions in your world will ever be answered. How your boss screws the pooch almost daily, yet you know that he’ll never turn over the reins over to you so you may right the carriage. How you and your mate can both be absolutely right and absolutely wrong at the same time. How our leaders could change the world if they would only see it as you do, but never will. It is this whirlpool of doubt that causes some to crave oblivion, others to search for systems that tell them exactly how to think about everything and we gamesman to work our little puzzles, that we may spread the salve of tiny but certain results over the open questions which will ever remain elusive to us.

Not happy with those mini-answers, I’m going to list the first thing I would do if I were to take control of each NFL franchise. This week I’ll do the AFC - See if you agree.

Bills: Tell Mike Mularkey that he’ll be fined $1,000 every time he doesn’t make his passes play-action, unless down-and-distance are ridiculously long.

Dolphins: Insert the IMMORTAL SAGE ROSENFELS at QB. Honest, guys, I’ve been wishing for this since they got him from the Redskins three yrs ago. I saw him play in the Big 12 several times & always thought he had the kavorka.

Patriots: Buy a cornerback-cloning machine for Coach B, so he never has to endure hasbeen or neverwas DBs like Duane Starks or Earthwind Moreland again.

Jets: Rehire Ray Lucas. I know it’s a whole different regime and he must be a lunkhead not to have caught on in all those chances with other teams, but I sure liked his last season with the Jets and he couldn’t be much worse than Father Time.

Bengals: Start Chris Perry. I really like Rudi, but the Bengals’ perennial-playoff future has the Wolverine at RB.

Browns: Cut Kellen Winslow Jr. and violate his contract. And hire the best QB available in the offseason to bring some immediate hope back to the lake.

Ravens: Frame Jamal to violate his probation so they can start Chet Taylor (see CPerry)

Steelers: Shave Cowher’s mustache and send him out for some orthodontia. I can no longer abide that old-woman’s-pussy grimace of his.

Texans: Why are NFL franchises so much more loathe to fire coaches midseason than teams in other sports? Capers is a cancer – in fact what this franchise needs is the football equivalent of one of the kiddie's gray drawing pads where you can just lift a sheet of plastic and erase the entire history of your endeavours.

Colts: Another coaching fine – $10,000 every time Tony fails to attack the end zone in each possession where they cross the 50.

Jaguars: I don’t care how green he is – Matt Jones gets ten touches a game.

Titans: I thought Chris Brown was gonna be HUUUGE coming out of Colorado and he flashes major chops now and then, but this injury bug ruins this team’s continuity, like Mike Vick’s inconsistency does in Atlanta. Ride the pine, Crissy...just say no, Travis, and we just say yes to you.

Broncos: Fire Shanny. He used to lead the league in smart. He leads the league in stupid anymore.

Chiefs: LJ plays special teams, that’s it - RBBC is gonna keep this team out of the playoffs in Priest and Vermeil’s last chance.

Raiders: Poison Al Davis in his sleep. Maybe his heirs won’t be afraid to hire a coach as substantial as they are.

Chargers: The bottom sends you right back up to the top. NO Charger pass of reasonable down and distance should start without a fake to LT2. Except when you pass to LT2.

NFC soon. On to the games of week 7 –

KC 30 MIA 20
I don’t care if they did win – a week after they rediscovered that Priest was 2nd only to Faulk as the best pass-receiving RB of this generation, they forgot that fact just as easily and completely. They’ll regret that...Best case for the IMMORTAL SAGE ROSENFELS: In Frerotte’s 10 looks to Chambers: 8 incs (1st 8), 1 rec, 1 int. In Sage’s one look: one 77yd TD.

MINN 23 GB 20
In the first half, the Vikings showed just how little character they have, In the second half, the Packers showed just how little skill they have. Three-point adjustment for home-field advantage and you have this ugly thang. Nufced.

IND 38 HOU 20
Two examples that I have a complete mastery of the obvious: Reggie Wayne is now officially the #1 WR in Indy...Dominick Davis deserves better.

DET 13 CLE 10
Please, please, puh-lease stay healthy Jeff Garcia. I (and a million Lions fans) would luuuv to be able to say the Joey Harrington era is at an end. Is Royboy gonna be the CBrown/MBenn-out of WRs?...I know Rubes had a 100, but I’d still give WGreen a try before Charlie Frye.

PGH 27 CIN 13
*Wikkid pats self on back* Like I toldja, Steelers just more grown up than Bengals. (guess that’s one of the bennies of prognosticatin) *Wikkid slaps self on forehead* Wish I hadn’t drop HMiller from like four teams.

STL 28 NO 17
He’s putting up great #s, but SJax won’t be a top-tier RB til he stops running so high...Who ever thought Az Hakim would ever be a factor again? – hope he shoves Stallworth back to Hamstring Hell when Horn comes back.

WASH 52 SF 17
Congrats to Clintoris for getting off the schneide...I think he was QB on every one of my ‘90s FFB teams and Brunell’s comeback is STILL a major surprise to me...If ASmith was ever gonna be a starting QB (something I expressed major reservations about in the forums on draft day), they’re ruining that as we speak. He makes Kyle Orton look like Montana out there– I wanna see Dorsey get a shot.

PHIL 20 SD 17
Luckiest win of the season. If Philly played only 2nd halves, they’d be the Texans. Does their lack of an inside running game have anything to do with that?...Trotter deserves NFC Defensive MVP for his performance against LT2 today alone.

SEA 13 DAL 10
Is the other shoe dropping on the Bledsoe Miracle? That D is getting better as Drew gets worse...Does DJHackett have the worst hands in football? – makes me homesick for KoRo’s claws.

CHI 10 BAL 6
The under on this game was the bet of the year – both offenses performed better than I thought they would and they STILL beat the total by two TDs! Is it ILLEGAL for a Ravens QB to hit a wideout? (15 yd penalty – excessive use of caps)

AZ 20 TENN 10
Jeff Fisher gets my vote for midseason coach-of the year for this team not being just like the Texans this year...they had this game untiw widdew Cwissy feww down and went boom again...Back to the bench, Josh – as previously stated in this space, Denny promised Kurt not to bench him when he signed & McCown did nothing today to cause the coach to reconsider his scruples.

OAK 38 BUF 17
Still not a Lamont Jordan fan – the Bills’ run D is sooo bad it’s effecting team morale a much as JPLoseman did...Nice rope-a-dope, Randy – injury list distinctions should be made by independent physiscians. Too much gamesmanship going on anymore.. Doug Gabriel pulled my ass outta the hash on three fantasy teams yesterday.

NYG 24 DEN 23
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...karma’s a bitch, aint it, Shanny?! Sat on one too many leads, dincha? Three-and outs are NEVER an acceptable outcome, gitme? But, before I forget...HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

‘Tsit for now. I think we have a new columnist coming aboard tomorrow. Let us know what you think. Play hard!

WETBOAT'S SUNDAY MUSINGS, WEEK 7

DANCING CHAD
Fanball reported that fans attending the Steelers-Bengals game today at Cincinnati’s Paul Brown Stadium will be subject to a security search, prompting Chad Johnson to say he’ll perform a pat-down touchdown celebration. That’s kinda old. I get patted down every time I go to FedEx Field, because there are always some frustrated fans trying to go after Dan Snyder.

Chad’s just a baby. This is what he does when he's at home:



FLESH-EATING MONSTER FOUND IN CLEVELAND
Cleveland WR Braylon Edwards is listed as questionable for today's Browns-Lions tilt, as he recovers from a staph infection in his right arm. Lest anyone forget, earlier this year, Kellen Winslow, recovering from multiple injuries sustained in a motorcycle accident, was set back in his rehabilitation by a staph infection in his right knee. He lost 30 pounds in the process.

If anyone is clueless as to what a staph infection does, it's the kind of thing that eats up your flesh and innards. You can lose an entire leg in the same time it takes speedy Santana Moss to outrun Roy Williams for a touchdown. It's one mean beast. The chances of this happening to two Cleveland players in the same year are downright scary.

Memo to CDC: Check the water in the Cuyahoga River. There's a huge flesh-eating monster somewhere in the river's depths, ready to slay its next Browns victim. I suggest using Lee Suggs as bait to lure the monster out of the river....

A couple of inside sources tell me the monster looks like this:



Scary...

WHO'S FIRST TO GO?
I have a funny feeling Mike Tice will resign before the season's over, in the wake of Lake Gimmeboinka(TM by Wikkid). This seems as good a time as any to predict the order in which the NFL coaches will resign or be fired before the end of the NFL season:

1. Mike "Tickets Available, Upper Deck, Section C" Tice, Minnesota
2. Dom "President of Tony Boselli Fan Club" Capers, Houston
3. Mike "Excuse Me, I'm Sleeping" Sherman, Green Bay
4. Brian "Offensive Genius with Midas Touch" Billick, Baltimore
5. Bill "We Won the Division, and I'm Quitting" Parcells, Dallas

That's all, folks! Enjoy Sunday's games.

Exorcising My Wizards

Creek is away, so I've been asked to step in with something of my own. Today's topic - fantasy basketball!



Our beloved GBin says "Creek Made Me Do This". Our tribute to Jalen Rose and the casting out of this particular demon got started this past Thursday. Several of Lockerroom's best are involved in the league, and the draft is worth recounting, if for no reason other than most of us know next to nothing about hoops from a fantasy perspective. I registered my team as "Roundball, Inc." for lack of a better name.

I tried to pre-rank for the draft based on all the "expert" sources I could find, but it seems that there ain't the love for the NBA that there is for the NFL. Talk of minutes played and coming off the bench made my head spin. Sixth man? I thought there were only five! My draft position was not the best (11 of 12), but I do know a thing or two about my local pro franchise, those resurrected Washington Wizards and their coach, Eddie Jordan.

Some guy in the league thinks he's "The Answer", but I don't even know what the question is. Maybe if I went to the Brooklyn Academy, I'd learn something about how not to be one of Suckbury's Ballhogs, but I don't even know where to go. It's sad when everyone steps on your Toes during the draft, especially when he has to rely on autodraft.

The best known of the Wizards, Gilbert Arenas, was still there at the end of the first round, so I grabbed him. Wow! I felt great. The turn was on me in a flash, though, and I wasn't ready. The only name I recognized was Paul Pierce, so I took him. Then I realized I was filtering on guards - damn you, Yahoo!

My preferred center, Yao Ming, was gone before my slot returned, but another familiar name appeared - Antawn Jamison. I thought, what the hell, and I took him. An idea started to percolate - Les Boulez? Did I dare? Would they surprise everyone again this year, and should I ride their coattails to fantasy glory?

When Shaq went next, I realized that a center would be a good idea. I thought about Brendan Haywood but felt it was too early, and I didn't want to give away my hand. Ben Wallace was there, but I've had a thing about the Pistons since they took the best my Wizards had to offer (Rip Hamilton) and left us with that cancer Jerry Stackhouse. Kwame Brown? Ha! I took the kid from Connecticut, Okafor.

With Maximum Characters++ grabbing two picks between me, I started to tighten up like the old Blue Ballers. Kenyon Martin seemed like a decent pick (my fifth), but when ex-Zard Chris Webber went next, I knew the die was cast. The newest Beltway Bandit was mine in the sixth round - Caron Butler. From somewhere in the night, I heard a cry of anguish, and I knew the rest could be mine.

After more than hour of listening to DVD spin on every pick and the Rusty Trombone miss every note, I queued up all the Wizards I could find. As the commish, World B. Free, took the hated Crackhouse in the 12th round, I chuckled silently. Though I missed out on my beloved sleeper Haywood, my bench would end with two more of Washington's finest - Jared Jeffries and Etan Thomas.

After the draft, I knew "Roundball, Inc." just wouldn't do. I considered "Les Boulez", but the curse would not be resurrected. I chose ... Wizzurdz. In the words of the immor[t]al Wikkid - NUFCED.

FECKLESS FORECAST by wikkidpissah

Gotta fill in on short notice with the week 7 predictions. Strange as it is, much as I like to analyze performance and project upon that, making actual & specific predictions, game-by-game & player-by-player scares the crap outta my pointed little head. I never participate in the predict-the-score thread on Fanball (I did, once, last year - called every game 13-9 except MNF which I think I called 46-44 cuz I like high-scoring MNF games). As far as individual performance predictions, those who try to predict performance totals are by & large too conservative for my tastes - no one ever predicts those 4td games for SA (even tho it seems he has a lot of em) or calls 2-15 for TO. I've already picked my winners in "Windowlickers", so I'll pick which side I think will cover the line and give you my top choices in each of the positions, in as original an order as I can manage...enjoy.

GAMES - WK 7 (picks at left)

STL -3 NO...BEST BET...Sub QB or no for Rams, Saints AWFUL on road.
GB -1 1/2 Minn...Dont like pick, but Minny org. in disarray
Ind -15 Hou...gotta love a team that dont like to run it up but does anyway
Pgh pk Cin...Bengals not quite grown up enough to beat a team that is
Phil -4 SD...If Philly D cant slow down LT2, it cant be done
KC +2 Mia....see Jimed, plus Phins will be preoccupied with packing their families up
CLE -3 Det...even if Garcia plays (please God), he'll need a game
WASH -13 SF...Good D + rookie QB = blowout
Dal +3 Sea...Riding the new-old triplets (parcells, bledsoe, glenn)...reverse if JJ doesn't play
Buf +3 Oak...hell-in-a-handbasket bet
Bal +1 Chi...Good D + rook QB beats Good D + bad QB
AZ -3 Tenn...Make-good game for McCown (he's gotta be HUGE else Denny keeps his preseason promise to start Warner all season)...reverse if Warner starts
Den +1 1/2 NYG...Bell makes Tiki wish he worked for Broncs
Atl - 7 NYJ...Clemens only 43yo winning this weekend.

FANTASY PERFORMERS - WK 7

QBs
1. MBrunell vs SF
2. JPlummer @ NYG
3. JMcCown vs Tenn
4. BFavre @ Min
5. PManning @ Hou
6. McNabb vs SD
7. MHasselbeck vs Dal
8. DCulpepper vs GB
9. EManning vs Den
10. CPalmer vs Pgh
11. DBledsoe @ Sea
12. KHolcomb @ Oak
13. SMcNair @ Az
14. JMartin vs NO
15. Brees @ Phil
16. ABrooks @Stl
17. BRoethlisberger @ Cin
18. TGreen @ Mia
19. TDilfer vs Det
20. KCollins vs Buf

RB
1. EJames @ Hou
2. W McGahee @ Hou
3. SJackson vs. NO
4. SAlexander vs Dal
5. Clintoris vs SF
6. TBell @ NYG
7. LTomlinson @ Phil
8. MMoore vs GB
9. BWestbrook vs SD
10. WDunn vs NYJ
11. LJordan vs Buf
12. CBrown @ Az
13. AGreen @ Min
14. PHolmes @ Mia
15. JJones @ Sea
16. TBarber vs Den
17. ASmith @ Stl
18. RJohnson vs Pgh
19. CMartin @ Atl
20. RBrown vs KC

WR

1. TOwens vs SD
2. SMoss vs SF
3. DDriver vs Minn
4. LFitzgerald vs Tenn
5. RWayne vs Hou
6. PBurress vs Den
7. CJohnson vs Pgh
8. RSmith @ NYG
9. THolt vs NO
10. CChambers vs KC
11. ABoldin vs Tenn
12. DMason @ Chi
13. MHarrison @Hou
14. JJurevicius vs Dal
15. LEvans @Oak
16. TWilliamson @GB
17. TGlenn @Sea
18. ALelie @ NYG
19. HWard @ Cin
20. DGabriel vs Buf

TE
Quantifying TE performance is a ridiculous freakin endeavor, especially when so many coins out there are going unflipped

K
Quantifying kicker performance is for those who find quantifying TE performance overstimulating but need a break from watching chubby mature porn.

DEF

1. BAL @ Chi
2. Wash vs SF
3. Ind @ Hou
4. Chi vs Bal
5. Atl vs NYJ
6. Stl vs NO
7. Cle vs Det
8. Det vs Cle
9. Az vs Tenn
10. Buf @ Oak
really can't find a way to differentiate between the rest.

OK - that'll do it. Don't forget to give me heaping piles of shit when I turn out to be absolutely wrong about everything. My dominatrix is in Cancun surfing Hurricane Wilma. Nufced.

By The Numbers - Week 6

Time for a look at the fantasy numbers for week 6 and some sweet tight end action!

Get Tight!

My preseason prediction about tight ends whose names start with J is coming true. Jason and Jeremy both had stellar output (for a TE), I was happy with Heap, and Dez Clark was a nice last minute pickup in a public league.

Jeremy Shockey – 129 yards receiving and one TD = 12 fantasy points in a battle with Jason Witten’s Cowboys. Mr. Witten wasn’t too shabby either, with 56 yards receiving and a score. Both will be great starts this week …

Desmond Clark – I’m not sure where I saw it, but the prediction here regarding a career day caught my eye and I took a flyer in one of my public leagues. Two TDs = 12 fantasy points, about 13 more than I really expected! Now it’s Bubba’s turn to feast on the Vikes …

Will Gonzo and Gates return to glory this week? Stay tuned …

Disappointing QBs …

Two of the position regulars laid a turd this week, and others saw their seasons end or get sidelined.

Joey Harrington, you do suck. A pick and two fumbles combined with 201 yards passing adds up to negative 2 points – and the Lions almost managed to pull out the win anyway!

Trent Dilfer was even worse, since he had the same turnover numbers and fewer passing yards (147). That’s worth a putrid negative 4 points. Too bad I didn’t start the B-More defense …

Woe to Jake Delhomme, Brian Griese and Marc Bulger (nice tackle, dumbass), now I’m left with Aaron Brooks again …

This Week in Fantasy History

This week, we take a look at a mile high receiving performance and a one-up from the edge. In week 7 of the 2000 season, Rod Smith pulled in 5 catches for 111 yards and 3 TDs (that’s 23 fantasy points) in the Broncos 44-10 rout of the Couch Potato Browns. If you had Rod in that week’s death match, you lost! Edgerrin James ran for 219 yards and 3 TDs for a total of 28 fantasy points! BTW, in that 37-24 Colts victory over Seattle, Shaun Alexander ran for a paltry 20 yards on 5 carries … behind Ricky Watters.

Mid-Season Creekies

With college football at its halfway point, I've decided to pass out some mid-season awards. Not some of the awards you're more familiar with, but awards that I have been passing out for years now. I call them "Creekies," and everyone wants them. So without further ado, I give you THE MID-SEASON CREEKIES:


The Demetrius Underwood "Most likely to get fat and die" award:
Given to the player who will get drafted too high, and be out of football before you have time to trade his rookie card for a Rae Carruth "piece of murder weapon" card. This year, it's going to be Dusty Dvoracek, the crazy-ass defensive tackle from Oklahoma. To me, this feels like the second coming of the Chris Hovan era APHC (After Pizza Hut Commercial). This is never a good sign. And do you really think you can trust a guy who looks like a Hun? Seriously, [Dennis Miller joke] Shouldn't this guy be out invading Gaul? Can we start calling him "Atilla the Sooner?"[/Dennis Miller joke]


The Chan Gailey "Coach in over his head" award:
Urban Meyer. I present to you:

Exhibit A

Exhibit B

And most importantly, exhibit C .

The gators are 5-2, the coach is running his system with Ron Zook's players... You think Gators fans would be able to wait a year or two at least, but of course not. The Gators will be a great team in a couple years, but all this bitching and moaning is beyond annoying. We get it, you miss Spurrier. I miss my 7th grade english teacher, but I don't go putting up websites trying to fire my new one every year. Urban's spread option will work, just not with Chris Leak. Just do us all a favor, and shut up and wait for the Josh Portis era.

(For the record, my 7th grade english teacher was HAWT! Think Van Halen "Hot For Teacher" video girl hawt.)


The Brad/Tavian Banks "WTF happened to that guy from Iowa" award:
Given to the player from Iowa who will never be heard from again after College. This years front runner is Drew Tate, who may have already disappeared anyway. Seriously, Iowa is still 5-2(3-1) and it feels like the Walker Texas Ranger made-for-TV movie is getting more publicity. They role into the Big House this week, and I'm down right worried. These are the types of games Michigan loses.


The Charles Woodson "By far the best player in the country" award:
Last week, waiting for the USC vs Notre Dame game to come on, I look at my buddies Big Jon, and the Wes-man and say in an almost question-like manner,"Reggie Bush, best player in the country."Just to make sure my buddies are on the same page. To my horror, Big Jon comes back with a defiant "Vince Young." I let it slide, knowing that the second Reggie Bush does something super-human, I can shove it right back in his face. Well, after Reggie's 36 yard touchdown, I turn to my Jon and say in a mocking tone, "Vince Young, best player in the country."

I think I proved my point.


As for some other Creekies that were announced before the actual award show:

Best guy on the best O-line- Greg Eslinger, Minnesota
Best D-lineman- Elvis Dumervil, Louisville
Best player in the secondary- Laron Landry, LSU
Worst name for an award- Best player in the secondary
Best tight end who doesn't remind me of L.J Smith- Vernon Davis, Maryland
The Vinny Sutherland award- Mike Hass, Oregon State
Best O-lineman- D'Brickshaw Ferguson, Virginia
Best linebacker who needs a haircut- A.J Hawk, Ohio State
Best QB- Matt Leinart, USC
The "you could make a case for" award- Vince Young, Texas


Seeing as I will be headed up to Philly for the weekend, I will make my picks now.

Last Week: 9-9
Season: 49-57-3

Ohio St. -15.5 Indiana
Northwestern +11.5 Michigan St.
Virginia +1 North Carolina
Georgia -19 Arkansas
Georgia Tech +15.5 Miami
Notre Dame -19.5 BYU
TCU (no line) Air Force
Wisconsin -8 Purdue
FSU -30 Duke
Fresno St. -28.5 Idaho
Oregon -9.5 Arizona
West Virginia -2 South Florida
Oregon St. +9.5 UCLA
Penn St. -17 Illinois
LSU -6.5 Auburn
Washington St. +12 California
Iowa -3 Michigan (haven't been wrong about a game Michigan will lose yet... except that Notre Dame game... I didn't see that one coming.)

Upset Special (3-4):
Tennessee +3.5 Alabama

UN-lock of the week (2-5):
Texas -16 Texas Tech

NUFCED by wikkidpissah

GIMME ANOTHER CHANCE!
I turned fifty-one years of age this past week. I guess, now, I get to say I’m “in my fifties” instead of “fitty”, and it’s not as bad as it sounds. If one has made something of their first half-century, the pressure is really off in the second. Unless, that is, one loses one’s job and must begin all over again to ensure a proper retirement. A recent back injury has put me in that position. My life’s goal has been to avoid being a clock-puncher as much as possible and I’ve fulfilled that for the lion’s share of my existence. My options are to take one last shot at showbiz (where the young decision makers avoid dealing with the AARP-eligible on principle) or be a clocking-in pitboss for the remainder of my working days. I’ve decided to use a year and my last hot connection to try and be something again....in my fifties. Wish me luck.

To commemorate the occasion, this week I’ll be looking at the early results of those in the NFL working on a second, other or last chance. Lessee –

The top second-chance story of the season so far has to be the reunion of Drew Bledsoe, Terry Glenn and Bill Parcells. Much as I hate everything Cowboy and still expect a couple of good hits to propel Bledsoe back into shellshock, I am enjoying the hell out of this pumpkin ride and hope midnight never arrives.

Speaking of former Patriots, I’ve been watching Antihawaiian Smith squander his promise for over a decade now and have never seen the joy of running he exhibited today. Let’s hope it’s not the six weeks rest he has on his potential tacklers which has put the bounce in his 35 yo step and that he and his beleaguered team can piece together a non-embarrassing remainder to their season.

A close second to the Dallas triumvirate’s comeback story has to be that of Thomas Jones. I thought he was a total bum with the Cards (mostly due to my only trip to Phoenix to see a football game in which TJ had the most thoroughly terrible game I’ve seen an RB have) and laughed when he couldn’t beat out Mike Pittman in two different cities. I must admit I overdrafted him last year, when I thought he was a perfect fit for the Bear offense designed by Terry Shea (who’d resurrected Priest’s career at KC), for which I suffered when they couldn’t find a healthy and/or competent QB to run it. As a result, he can’t be found on a single of my ’05 rosters. I suppose I will overdraft him again in ’06, whereupon he will spontaneously explode. Nonetheless, all that cannot detract from his combination of skill and toughness only being exceeded this season by McNabb.

Had a faint hope that Vinny T’s return from incontinent retirement would be as illustrious as that of another 43yo who’s leading his baseball team to its first title (btw, Clemens can barely walk when he’s not afield – they have to bring him sodas and stuff. What a stud!), but this guy’s just old. Makes me yearn for the dazzling footwork of Bernie Kosar. Surprisingly, Vinny’s comeback wasn’t a QBs most embarrassing – helloooooo, Tommy Maddox.

Trent Dilfer’s attempt to become the Steve DeBerg of the new millennium is starting not to work out. If the Bills ever take the handcuffs from Kelly Holcomb, he could be the next candidate.

And, finally, to give Creekie a giggle for yet another arcane hiphop reference, “Don’t call it a comeback”...we all overrated this guy two years ago, gave up on him too quickly when Penny couldn’t stay on the field last season, but Santana is once again campaigning to be the best Moss in football. Randy sure helped him today (see game capsule). Speaking of which:

CAR 21 DET 20

If god is a football fan he will make sure that, after Joey is replaced for good and all in Detroit, he will NEVER get a chance at a comeback. Most gutless QB I’ve ever seen....Much as Jake-not-Snake is my favorite non-Patriot QB on my favorite non-Patriot team (although I reeeeally overrated them) a week off would give me a chance to resurrect all my Weinke jokes, my 47th favorite football-related activity.

DAL 16 NYG 13 OT

Proof I should be listened to when I speak of TEs – drafted AGates on all six of my teams last season, JShockey on 8 of my 11 this year...Somebody tell me – is Tiki wearing out or are the Gints fools for moving away from a Tiki-based offense?....Much fun as da Boyz are, Parcells almost deserved to lose for punishing TThompson for last week’s fumbles (both ruled to be after the whistle) with but three carries yesterday.

CHI 28 MINN 3

Love....Exciting and New
come aboard, we're expecting you

The LOOOOVE Boat
soon will be making another run
The Love Boat
promises something for everyone

Set a course for adventure,
your mind's on a new romance


And Love....
won't hurt anymore
it's an open smile
on a friendly shore

It's Love
Welcome aboard it's love

BAL 16 CLE 3

I watch the Sunday games with a couple originally from Ohio, the husband a Cincinatan and his wife, a Clevelander. Boy, does Raven hate run deep on the Cuyahoga – I swear this gal would be happy with a 2-14 record each year as long as those two wins came over Modell’s traitors. She was as unhappy with the result as I was having to watch as much of that pigwallow of a game as I did.

CIN 31 TENN 23

I like Rudi Johnson and hope he has a long and fruitful career, but the Bengals are a whole ’nother team with Chris Perry in the backfield – he may bust the UMich RB pro jinx....the Titans are a lot better than any team that lost all those players has a right to be.

TB 27 MIA 13

Congratulations, Sticky Icky Ricky – it appears you’ll get to ruin this year’s Phins as much by your return as you did last season’s by your departure. It’s what we all needed – another RBBC....It was garbage time, but CSimms sure looked comfy out there.

JAX 23 PGH 17 OT

Can the end of a game GET uglier than this? Steelers miss a chipshot FG, Lefty (who’s rapidly convincing me he’s not an NFL QB) tosses an INT with his team in FG range, Maddox fumbles, Jags lose 17 yards in a three-&-out, Maddox throws game-losing INT....whew!....Why did it take so long for the Jags to give big Greg Jones his shot?

ATL 34 NO 31

*Wikkid spares readers from weekly Mike Vick rant, applauds Saints for coming back from two dreadful mistakes and San Antonitos for their excellent support of this team*

KC 28 WASH 21

Well, at least these teams FINALLY remembered they have the two best receiving RBs in football, which bodes well for their respective futures.....Man – TGreen’s game has grayed as quickly as his hair....I'm becoming a big Chris Cooley fan....Clintoris’ embarrassingly hilarious TD drought continues.

SD 27 OAK 14

Shameful as it is, I am certain that Randy quit this game. He’s been phoning it in lately but, with his 1st look being picked off and his team down two TDs, once Moss got sandwiched like a Minnetonka hooker on his next look, he stayed down in order to quit the game. Anyone with eyes had to be surprised that he came out of the hit with the new all-encompassing loafer’s complaint, a groin injury. What a pissy little bitch!....Another game like yesterday’s and I remove the “2” from the abbrev. of Tomlinson’s name.

DEN 28 NE 20

Shanny is fast becoming the Vick of coaches with me, with his waaay premature lead-sitting almost costing him the W again....How do you not have consistent blitz packages with the fastest LB corps in football history?!....If Bill had shown as much faith early in Patrick Pass as he did late, he wouldn’t have had to mount a comeback.

BUF 27 NYJ 17

McGahee is prolly the best lunchbucket power back in the game now – shame their idiot OC won’t call more play-actions to capitalize on that.....Didn’t Vinny used to live & die with his TEs (targeted but twice yesterday)?....Bills’ run D must suck to let CMart back in the 100 yd column with no threat from the passing game.

SEA 42 HOU 10

From the Department of Redundancy Department: Big Shaun’s last two home games – 140 rushing yards, 4 TDs & 141 rushing yards, 4TDs (good to see he’s on the improve). I wanna know what he orders from Starbucks’ on Sunday mornings. Which subject am I being more lamely repetitive with: Vick hate or wondering why Tice and Capers still have jobs?

Finally, back to the subject of second chances – congrats to the Chisox on their first World Series since ’59 (the first Series I remember). May the Black Sox Curse end as summarily as Babe’s did last season. Nufced.

WETBOAT'S SUNDAY MUSINGS, WEEK 6

Can Fred Smoot clean his hands of Al and Alma?

A MINNE-HAHA ON LAKE MINNETONKA: Last year, Fred Smoot, then with the Washington Redskins, said, “75 percent of the world is covered by water. The rest is covered by Smoot.” Apparently, when it comes to the Vikings’ sex shenanigans aboard Al & Alma's Supper Club and Charter Cruises on Lake Minnetonka, he can’t cover his own butt fast enough. Although reports that Smoot chartered one of the two yachts for the cruise are unconfirmed (Smoot terms the reports “slanderous”), it’s bad enough that he – one of the class acts when he was with the Washington Redskins – is now struggling to make himself known on a team that has had its own share of disciplinary problems in the past (look up Onterrio Smith, Kevin Williams and Randy “Moon” Moss).

Really, I love Smoot. When the Redskins drafted him in the second round of the 2001 draft out of Ole Miss, he carried character issues which may have resulted in his being passed over in the first round. Although he is very small and slight for a typical cornerback, he brought a determined work ethic, deceptive quickness, and a great gift of gab to the position. It helped that he played opposite Champ Bailey, one of the best cornerbacks in today’s NFL. Last year, Smoot endured a painful sternum injury. For someone who liked to run his mouth to attract attention, and talk smack with opponents, he displayed an incredible level of fortitude and determination as he battled the injury and played the best games of his career. Off the field, he was a model citizen. When Clinton Portis got into a dispute with safety Ifeanyi Ohalete over compensation for the use of Ohalete’s No. 26 as his own number, Smoot acted as a mediator between the two players, which went a long way toward resolving the situation. He actively participated in Redskins community events around the Washington area and brought a genuine sense of charity to his activities.

Like Rod Gardner and Laveranues Coles, I was honestly surprised and not a little displeased that Smoot was looking for a better contract elsewhere. Of course, the Redskins’ salary cap situation made it difficult for the team to retain its best players (and may play a role in LaVar Arrington’s contract situation after this season), so management had to pick and choose which players to keep and which to let go. But unlike Gardner and Coles, Smoot didn’t bitch and moan about his team. He very much wanted to stay with the Redskins, because of all the friends he made there, but ultimately, it was the dollar sign that factored in his decision. When he signed with the Vikings, I had a feeling he would disappear from the face of the earth, moving from the very active and intense media market of Washington to a much smaller metropolitan area in the mosquito-infested woods of the North. As much of a basket case as the Redskins were, having endured several seasons of high expectations under Dan Snyder, the Vikings had an even more unenviable reputation of shoddy management and questionable decisions on the field and off, so Smoot was in for a real challenge.

Sure enough, he was never heard from again beyond the Minnesota state line, at least until the Love Boat scandal broke last week. Once he signed with the Vikings, his quotable quotations ended up in the Minneapolis Star-Tribune and the St. Paul Pioneer-Press, instead of the nationally read Washington Post. His words were transmitted on KFAN rather than on the George Michael Show.

The Lake Minnetonka escapade (hereafter known as “Lake Gimmeboinka,” coined by my widdew friend Wikkid) hasn’t helped his national reputation. Knowing Smoot, I tend to believe his account that he didn’t get involved in any activities considered illegal or unethical. He’s just too good a guy to do that stuff -- I have a feeling that when things went awry, Smoot tried to defuse the situation.

Of course, if Minnesota were 3-1 instead of 1-3, and was doing well on the defensive side of the ball, Smoot would get far more positive recognition not only on the field, but off the field as well. He must be missing his friends on the Redskins these days.

I’m on Smoot’s side – for now. He’s innocent until proven guilty.

On The Hash... Marks by Creek

Well, I've decided to scrap putting my top 25 up. Who the hell wants to see a new poll go up on a friday? Good news, is that now I'll have more time to put into my picks (which I desperately need).

For Michigan fans who aren't reading MGOblog, you need to wake up. Here is MGOblog's guide on how to bitch if you're a Michigan fan. This is good help to me, as I have simply been blaming Jim Herrmann the whole time. You know what, my system has been working, and I'm sticking to it. Screw Herrmann. (Yeah... That'll do)

So maybe I was wrong about Arizona State, and I know I was definately wrong about Oregon. But thinking of Derek Hagan lead me to this question: How bad is the senior class of wide receivers as far as the NFL draft is concerned? Let's look at my top 5 senior wideouts:
1. Derek Hagan Arizona St.
2. Demetrius Williams Oregon
3. Jason Avant Michigan
4. Martin Nance Miami (OH)
5. Travis Wilson Oklahoma
See my point? Derek Hagan's stock is dropping, and Martin Nance would probably be number one or two on the board, if not for his knee injury. I wouldn't be suprised to see no receivers in the top 20 next year. But I'm getting ahead of myself, we still have time for someone to blow a high pick on Hank Baskett after the combine.

HE'S GONE!!!

Let's get something straight. This Isn't funny.This is. I'm afraid comedy as I know it is dying before my very eyes. It's a shame. And don't start up with that, "it's so stupid it's funny" shit. It's so stupid, it's STUPID! Leslie Nielson movies are "stupid-funny", Austin Powers movies are "stupid-funny." Andy Milonakis is "stupid-stupid."


Heisman 5 in'05:
1. Reggie Bush RB USC (+)
71car 601yds 8.5ypc 6TD's
13 rec 191 yds 2TD's
This week's projection- 15car 70yds / 4rec 50yds 1TD

2. Matt Leinart QB USC
168.6QBRat 65.1comp% 1646yds 12TD's 3INT's
2 rush TD's
This week's projection- 330yds 3TD's

3. Vince Young QB Texas
162.2QBRat 62.4comp% 1021yds 10TD's 5INT's
65car 355yds 5.5ypc 2TD's
This week's projection- 170yds 2TD's / 65yds

4. Brady Quinn QB Notre Dame (+)
156.3QBRat 65.3comp% 1621yds 13TD's 3INT's
This week's projection- 250yds 1TD

5. Laurence Maroney RB Minnesota (-)
165car 875yds 5.3ypc 7TD's
11rec 131yds 1TD
This week's projection- 33car 140yds 1TD

6. Brian Calhoun RB Wisconsin
7. Maurice Drew RB UCLA (+)
8. Marcus Vick QB Virginia Tech
9. Brodie Croyle QB Alabama
10. Drew Stanton QB Michigan St.
11. LenDale White RB USC (+)
12. Elis Dumervil DE Louisville


Picks:
Last week: 4-12 (Yikes!)
Overrall: 40-48-3

Alabama -13 Ole Miss
Mike Shula & Co. got lucky getting a week off following that Florida game. Normally they would be a perfect candidate for a letdown game (big emotional win, major injury, going on the road against a conference team) but I think that week off is just what the Tide needed. Prothro's injury leaves them down a top playmaker, and their number one threat in the passing game. This injury could kill any "Croyle for Heisman" talk, but not this week. Ole Miss (and their black quarterback... Not that I'm racist, but it just seems out of place... Right? Nevermind.) couldn't even crack 30 against the Citadel, and they may not even break single digits in this one.
Alabama 31 Ole Miss 9

Ohio St. -6.5 Michigan St.
With nightmares of Paul Posluszny still haunting Troy Smith's sleep, It will be up to Ohio State's running game to beat Michigan State. With Mike Hart rushing for over 200 in Michigan State's last game, and Ohio State averaging 171 on the ground, I think OSU has a decent chance of pulling this off. Also, Drew Stanton's due for a bad game, isn't he? I'd look for Ashton Youboty to come up big in this one, and then for me to start screaming "YOUBOTY!!!!" & than laughing like a schoolgirl for hours on end. Ah... football.
Ohio St. 27 Michigan St. 17

Texas Tech -14.5 Kansas St.
Wow, Kansas State's program has fallen out of the public eye faster than MC Hammer. Which brings me to my next point: Let's lay off of Hammer already. As evidenced by the 1st sentence, MC Hammer jokes are no longer funny. In the same way Lorena Bobbit jokes are no longer funny. Don't get me wrong, Hammer's descent from the eye of pop culture is hilarious (especially his attempt to salvage a career at Death Row records.), but as a comedian, to see other comedians fall back on MC Hammer jokes STILL, after 10 or so years, is a bit much. We get it, he has no money, now let's move on. Now Bobby Brown jokes on the other hand... those are still enjoyable.
Texas Tech 38 Kansas St. 21
Same guy? You decide.




Miami -41 Temple
Interesting comment from my buddy Big Jon who attended last weeks 'Canes/Duke game:

"Dude, you can totally see through Miami's pants!"

Needless to say, we have given Jon a week to think about whether or not it was important to point this out.
Miami 52 Temple 2

Penn State +3 Michigan
Here's a rundown of some of Michigan's games this year:
-7 vs Notre Dame L
-3 vs Wisconsin L
+5.5 vs Michigan St. W
-7.5 vs Minnesota L

The lesson? If Michigan is favored, don't pick them! We're finding ways to blow game (seen HERE ). Now we're starting Adams & Harrison at safety. Now if that doesn't sound like the names of two characters in a buddy-cop movie, I don't know what does.
"Adams, what's wrong with you?!? You damn near blew up half the city... Hand in your badge."

We just have to hope the O-line can hold up, and Mike Hart can rip off a couple good runs. I think Michigan wins because of how terrible Michael Robinson is, but I'm picking Penn State to cover. And contrary to popular reports, I am not a JoePa hater. I love the elderly, I think it's cute when they try to do real people things like put in lightbulbs, or coach football teams.
Michigan 14 Penn St. 12

Texas -17 Colorado
I actually don't want to go with Texas here, but I've been burned the last 2 weeks by going against them. You know the old saying: "Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice, don't go against Vince Young anymore unless you're absolutely sure they'll lose." Or something like that, I'm not good with sayings.
Texas 27 Colorado 7

California -16 Oregon St.
California is still a good team with a great running game, and I would expect them to come out, get the early lead, and pound it the rest of the way. Just absolutely pound it. Beat it up, I mean in and out, and in and out, and-... Umm... This never happened...
California 37 Oregon St. 17

Florida +6 LSU
Florida looked absolutely terrible against Alabama, but there is no way you're getting me to give 6 points to either team in this game. In games like these, where it's too close to call, just take the points. One thing that bothers me about this game is how much it is being overshadowed by the USC/Notre Dame game. This is a BIG game. The outcome of this game rest soley on the shoulders of Chris Leak. If he's on, I can see this being a hootout type game. If Meyers starts running the option every play however, Florida stands no chance.

(Just so we're clear, I'll be taping this game while I flip between Michigan/Penn St. & USC/Notre Dame. Hey, I am human.)
LSU 27 Florida 23

West Virginia +7 Louisville
I think we all overrated Louisville. This defense (minus Dumerville) isn't nearly as good as I thought it would be. On offense, Brohm still shows flashes of being a great pro player, and Bush has earned the nickname "The Governor" from me in honor of good ol' Jeb. The problem, is that they're too inconsistent I am too afraid to pick them to do anything, like cover a spread. And, I just can't see them winning big in West Virginia. Everything there is conducive to tight games.
Louisville 30 West Virginia 24

Washington St. +5.5 UCLA
Coming off a big win like last weeks against CAL, (in a game where CAL ran all over them) UCLA has to go up against ANOTHER strong running team. Maurice Drew (or is it Jones-Drew? Or just Jones? Hell with it, his name is Maurice) played out of his mind last week, and probably will continue to as long as he keeps getting touches. It just won't be enough to overcome the dreaded letdown game.
Washington State 28 UCLA 25

TCU -23 Army
TCU keeps getting impressive wins. Over Oklahoma most notably, but they also beat BYU in a thriller, and a good Wyoming team last week.
TCU 43 Army 7

Wisconsin (No Line) Minnesota
*While looking up the record for most combined carries in a game* This should be a fun game for anyone who enjoys no completed passes of longer than 30 yards. Calhoun is coming off a monster game (in a loss) and I would expect him to build off that against a suspect Minnesota run defense. Minnesota didn't look that impressive against Michigan, but Wisconin's run defense isn't quite as good as Michigan's and with Greg Eslinger, Mark Stetterstrom, & the rest on that Gopher O-line, Minnesota will be running more than a vibrator at Andy Dick's house. I hear that if Minnesota wins, the Vikings have invited them on a boat trip (roughly 478 Vikings sex boat joke I've made this week.), but even THAT won't be enough.
Wisconsin 41 Minnesota 37

Georgia -16 Vanderbilt
Vandy is back to being Vandy.- nufced
Georgia 38 Vanderbilt 10

Oregon -16 Washington
Thanks to Washington, I now have to eat crow about being wrong as far as Arizona St. is concerned. Oregon is actually a pretty decent team, with Clemens, Whitehead, Williams, & Day (who is not getting many looks in the new spread offense, but still a talent) on offense, and Ngata on defense, this team could be getting the coveted Holiday Bowl spot.
Oregon 31 Washington 13

FSU -7 Virginia
Can FSU really have an undefeated season? Would that go down in history as the worst team to ever go undefeated? They don't even have a quarterback! They need to lose... quickly.
FSU 31 Virginia 17

USC - 12 Notre Dame
HOLY CRAP!!! USC VS NOTRE DAME!!! WEIS VS CARROLL!!!! BRADY VS LEINART!!!! JESUS VS O.J!!!! (ok, maybe we know who wins that last one.) The most hyped contest since David vs Goliath, will turn out to be a disappointing game from the Catholic's perspective. This one won't even be close. One thing I've noticed, is that I haven't seen anybody do the whole "Notre Dame ruined UCLA's win streak in b-ball, so they'll do it to this west coast team" angle taken yet. Although, we did get an awkward Digger Phelps appearance on "1st & 10" today. That was fun.
USC 48 Notre Dame 30

Upset Special (2-4):
Wake Forest +14 Boston College
Take a team that plays up to its opponents (Wake) & a team that hasn't been able to put it all together yet (BC), and I like this one to stay within 14. Wake Forest rushed for over 200 yards against FSU last week. I don't care who you are, that's impressive.
Boston College 24 Wake Forest 16

UN-lock of the week (1-5... really, this is just getting sad):
Auburn -7.5 Arkansas
Since the Georgia Tech game, Auburn has been gaining confidence, and is ready for its explosion back on to the scene. They win and win big this week.
Auburn 51 Arkansas 14

Week 6 Predictions by ARCHER

Went 7-7 last week with all the upsets and weirdness. I've got to re-tabulate my season totals since there is a descrepancy between mine and jimed's account of how well I'm doing.

Atlanta 31 at New Orleans 7
Carolina 23 at Detroit 16
Cincinnati 28 at Tenessee 13
Cleveland 24 at Baltimore 21
Jacksonville 17 at Pittsburgh 16
Miami 13 at Tampa Bay 17
Minnesota 14 at Chicago 17
NY Giants 24 at Dallas 27
Washington 13 at Kansas City 24
New England 35 at Denver 24
NY Jets 21 at Buffalo 17
San Diego 34 at Oakland 21
Houston 10 at Seattle 23
St Louis 24 at Indianapolis 28

NUFCED by wikkidpissah

STOOPID

In my fifty years on this impatient rock, the change of which I am most happily proud, is the expansion of opportunity for entire classes of people who had none when I was born. The change of which I am most sadly ashamed is the elevation of stupidity to an art, if not a culture. In the world I entered, stupidity was isolated and ridiculed; in the era of so many liberations, it became confused in the great desire for everyone to have self determination as something to be tolerated; and, now, in the scramble for customers among our media, it has come to be celebrated. Beginning in the blackout bits of Howard Stern & drive-time radio, given a face by the creators of Al Bundy and stripped of propriety by the Jackass crew, it is presently in the hands of people who do not realize those all were jokes. Reality television leapt upon the boom and saved a generation from having to be exposed to actual writing by giving us chunky governesses who astound their clientele by using common sense, situational contrivances anyone not wiping drool should be able to decipher and the master of self-involved, rose-glasssed lunkheadedry, Donald Trump. The big payoff was when a man with what can most generously be described as a tenuous grasp of the obvious was elected and re-elected to be Leader of the Free World. Finally, thanks to presidents & publicists, NASCAR & news networks, it has actually become better to be stupid than to be smart. Feel free to look up the preceding words, as I lament that the only real progress of my lifetime has been from cruelty to idiocy.

What has that to do with #3 receivers, IDPs & handcuffs? I haven’t a clue, which apparently gives me more company than I’m used to having. I thought I’d point out the stoopid & not-so-stupid in what is going in the FF world in general, and in the games of week #5 in particular.

STOOPID (FFB Division):
- having too many FFB franchises – operating 3-6 teams per yr, I stayed involved with the every move of each & was in the playoffs with 90% of them: with this yr’s 11 franchises, I don’t know if I’m ahead or behind in most games and am a collective eight games below .500.
- while trying to develop FFB theories that go against the grain expands and improves the dialogue, drafting by all of them leads to waaaay too much lineup instability.
- congratulating or doubting yourself because your started/benched RBs 24-58 game included two likely accidental TDs.
- ultimate stupidity: EXPECTING certain results from WRs – the matchups, assignments & reliance upon the efficiency of co-receivers (not to mention that of so many other depts.) creates mad fluctuations in the stats of even the best WRs & always will.

STOOPID (Real FB Division):
-RBBC – I am finally convinced that substituting RBs to take advantage of their particular skills or avoid ego problems is madness. Momentum and flow are the most important aspects of offensive performance and subbing does half the defense’s work by disrupting those.
- Failure to play-fake at the right times and stick with what works at others. This is the bastard child of the play-scripting of Bill Walsh. Listen, OCs everywhere – you are not as smart as Bill Walsh & creating too many plays robs you of the ability to go with what’s working and fake off of what they’re defending. Mixin em up is mixin you up....stop it!
- ultimate stupidity: killing the golden goose. It’s hard to criticize a team that’s 5-0 & yesterday won a road game by 25, but the largest mistake being made in ’05 is the stranglehold Tony Dungy has put on the Colts’ offense. They are sooo good that they can play as tentatively as they did today against a bad defense and still shitstomp them, but I am here predicting they will not win a playoff game this year, either, if the coach doesn’t remove the chokecollar from PMan & the boys. Tony, Toni, Tone – do it the college powerhouse way: score the five 1st-half TDs, score the sixth in the 1st drive of the 2nd & sit everybody. They’ll be just as rested in January and won’t have screwed the pooch beyond repair. Nufced.

Spent too much time on the soapbox, so the game capsules are shorter than usual.

DET 35 BAL 17

The incompetence of the Ravens’ offense is reeeeally starting to infect the defense. They’re still stickin folks & givin em what fer, but they’re over-pursuing AND having lapses of concentration...a deadly combo....The two worst things on TV are still “Joey” and Joey.

CLE 20 CHI 10

The boringness of this well-fought game caused me to look elsewhere in the Ticket eight-cast & I totally missed how the Bears let this winnable road game get away from them....Which is uglier – getting beat by Antonio freakin Bryant or the fact of that resulting in the “1st place Detroit Lions”?

BUF 20 MIA 14

Kelly Holcomb was neither deliverer nor over-rated bum, but at least his lack of incompetence let the Bills breathe a sigh of relief and get back to playin some football....I hope the hype over the return of StickyIckyRicky does not distract the Phins from realizing that a Ronnie-Brown-&-play-fakes offense is their best chance at a .500 season.

NE 31 ATL 28

Hate to be a homersexual, but my Patsies DON’T lose two-in-a-row & can’t nobody make em!!....I don’t pray but I really, really wish Vicky would fall victim to one of his “Mexican” STDs – the Falcs are a better team without him.

SEA 31 STL 27

What “Instant Elimination” pickers weren’t killed by the Rams in wk 1 were picked off by this “sure thing”....I’m sooo happy for Jumpin Joe Jurevicius – I started him in all of his comebacks from jellyknees with the Giants & Bucs, but didn’t grab him for a single one of my teams this wk *forehead slap*....I STILL say if the NFL North played the NFL West every week, the Midwesterners would come out on top.

NYJ 14 TB 12

Vinny T for FEMA Director! Rescued the Jets from disaster straight from the Home....Mike Pittman is a fair-weather back & always will be – the Bucs cant make the speed lane without their Caddy (8,513th automobile reference on the season regarding Carnell Williams).

TENN 34 HOU 20

If Dom Capers coached a game against Mike Tice, no one would win. Time for the Texans to fire ol’ Dom and tell his replacement to inform his team that whoever next allows Carr to be sacked will be immediately cut and build from there....sheesh! His teams sucks, but McNair is all the way back.

INDY 28 SF 3

Is holding your prize rookie QB back til your team faces the NFL’s 3 top-rated defenses consecutively not the 2nd stupidest idea of the season?....Don’t get cocky, Barlow owners – the Colts rushed four & dropped seven all day to beat the rook, so he was running against a virtual prevent the entire game.

CAR 24 AZ 20

Is there a more fun combo in football than Jake & Smitty?....Did that sound waaaay too much like summin from Larry King’s old USA Today column?....Boldin & Fitz are the real deal, McCown is not (damn, did it again!).

DEN 21 WASH 19

Will Shanny insist on still starting Mike the Marine just to try to prove he was right? He ain’t the worst, but is easily the most frustrating coach in the league – sat on the lead waaaay too early. Clintportis’ TD-free season would be funny if it weren’t so sad.

DAL 33 PHIL 10

That may be the flattest I’ve ever seen a good team be.....The smartest thing Parcell does? Always going for it on 4th-&-short – there’s no better way to show a team you believe in them....In case you’re wondering, I promised myself never to write about Keyshawn a long time ago.

JAX 23 CIN 20

There’s ONE reason Cincy didn’t win – not starting Chris Henry (who made several near-spectacular plays last wk & is the most impressive rookie WR I’ve seen this season) in Housh’s absence. Dead horse I will continue to beat: the Jags’ one chance at being playoff-worthy went out the window when they scrapped the Matt-Jones-as-decoy offense with which they began the season.

Don’t ever change – I want to make fun of you just the way you are. Nufced