Thursday, December 22, 2005

Professor Ellis D Trails Fantasy Bowl Syllabus

What is Heaven and how do I get there?

Warning: adult content
This is a program that I happened to be watching while conducting my usual assortment of news gathering from the world of the National Football League. The picture is right before Barbara gave the Dalai Lama a kiss on the cheek and then the Buddhist showed her what kissing in New Zealand was like. Insert vomit comment here.

I was treated to two hours of complete hysterical entertainment as Baba Wawa delved into the world of enlightenment. My wife put this on and at first I didn’t want any part of it, but somewhere along the way I found it completely fascinating as well side-splitting.

She examined the view of Heaven from every angle; Christian, Judaism, Evangelical – this one was especially funny, with the most judgmental character of them all, Muslim and Muslim Jihad, Atheism, Scientific and so on.

I love how the media acts as though they are informing the masses, but instead only add more propaganda to the ever growing pot of Bullshit. Instead of exploring each side with some semblance of intelligence, they would show a piece from one side and then show a contradictory piece from an opposing view. Instead of being an informative news program, it was a 2 hour religious argument.

Baba interviewed an insurgent that had attempted feebly attempted to become a suicide bomber and thus escape to the land of 72 virgins, alas his bomb malfunctioned and he was unable to fulfill his “destiny.” Ms. Walters continued to press the indifferent detainee in an attempt to get him to say that she (Barbara) is going to hell for not accepting Muslim as her faith. He was asked to describe hell and he stated it would be as if you being burned over and over with a fire that burned ten times hotter than the hottest fire you could imagine. Then God would save you only to have the blazing inferno to begin again. The broadcast interspersed the jailed holy hero with Imam Feisal Abdul Rauf, the founder of the American Society for Muslim Advancement. He would dispute every claim that the imprisoned Muslim would declare. He told Walters, "The real life is the next life … and based upon how we live this life, it determines where we shall be in the next. We are told we will be in comfortable homes, reclining on silk couches … so we're given the delights of sex, the delights of wine, the delights of food with all of their positive things without their negative aspects." What a crock of Shit.

The promise of heaven plays a central role in the life of Pastor Ted Haggard, president of the National Association of Evangelicals, and his congregation. As an evangelical, Haggard believes if you are not a born again Christian, you have no assurance of going to heaven. But if you are "born again" in the belief that Jesus Christ is your personal savior, you are assured a place in Heaven. He also believes that this life is a sort of weigh station on the way to an eternal home. "Jesus Christ guarantees eternal life to anybody that'll follow him. … The purpose of life is to glorify God and go to heaven … 'cause heaven is our home." This guy is the supreme a-one jackass. If you don’t believe me than take a look at what this guy believes - - If you would like to schedule an interview, you can actually do so on his website, no, seriously. I bet it costs a ton of money though, how spiritual. What a crock of Shit.

One of the more interesting parts of the “show” was her sit down with the Dalai Lama, the fourteenth reincarnation of Buddha, a living God if you will. The Dalai Lama says that the purpose of life is to be happy, and that you can accomplish that by "warm-heartedness." He tells Walters "heaven is the best place to further develop the spiritual practice … for a Buddhist the final goal is not just to reach there, but to become Buddha. It's not the end." As a Buddhist he believes in reincarnation and tells Walters that people can have second lives as animals. "If someone does very bad or badly (e.g. kill or steal) he could be born in an animal body."

Richard Gere, a longtime follower of Buddhism tells Walters, "I don't think necessarily heaven and hell happen in some other life. I think it's right now" meaning that for those that have “bad” lives are in hell and those that prosper are in “heaven.” How about that for a new class system? Instead of upper, middle, and lower, you could have Heavenly and Hellish. Thank you ACTOR, Richard Gere. What a crock of Shit.

I remember an episode of Mr. Show where the Dalai Lama dies and they find the next reincarnation of Buddha (played by Bob Odenkirk) in like Iowa or something and then whisk him away from his friends to Tibet. He then becomes more enlightened and his friend (played by David Cross) comes to visit him. He eventually tells his friend (Bob) that he is a pussy now and has sold out his buddies by becoming the Dalai Lama. He caves in to his friend and allows Dave’s character to stay in Tibet and live with the monks. It is hilarious because Dave causes a whole mess of trouble for the monks, like smoking bongs and doing a cannonball into the holy water at meditation. Just when you think that The Dalai Lama is going to throw his friend out, they team up to beat the fat kids at Monk camp in the 501st Olympics. Bob triumphs by performing an impromptu rap (which is awful) and beats the fat kids ringer, professor murder. Great comedy.

Anyway, back to my rant. Rabbi Neil Gillman, a professor of philosophy at New York's Jewish Theological Seminary, expressed Judaism's perspective on the afterlife. "For the past 2,000 years, most Jews believed that at death the body and the soul separate, the body is interred and disintegrates in the Earth, the soul goes off to be with God," he tells Walters. But that's not the end of the story. "At the end of days, God will resurrect bodies, will reunite body and soul, and the individual will come before God to account for his or her life," Gillman said. My question is, what happens in the meantime? Do all of the souls just sit around waiting for the end of days? Considering what the Nazi’s did, that place has to be crowded as hell. What a crock of Shit.

For most people, proof of Heaven's existence is not necessary. Faith is all they need. Dr. Dean Hamer, a geneticist at the National Institutes of Health, thinks he has figured out why this faith comes easily to some, but escaped others. "Whether a person is spiritual or not is not necessarily a matter of their will. It may be something innate about their personality." Hamer suspects spirituality might be a personality trait encoded in our genes. He began his research by asking more than 1,000 people to answer a series of questions about faith and spirituality. He then tested DNA from the study participants and found that those who scored highest on his survey had a mutation of at least one gene that seemed to affect their level of spirituality. He named it "the God gene." - The fucking God gene, why are people spending time and money on this idiocy? - "It's a gene that's called VMAT2 and we can isolate it, and we can study it in detail. This particular gene controls certain chemicals in the brain. And those chemicals affect how consciousness works. They affect the way that our feelings react to the events around us," he tells Walters. Hamer also states that researchers have been able to detect changes in the brain when people are in the midst of intense prayer or meditation. (That’s because they are nuts.)

Dr. Andrew Newberg, a neuro-radiologist at the University of Pennsylvania, is one of these so called “researchers.” Newberg says his research shows a marked increase in brain activity in the frontal regions of the brain. "At the same time," he adds, "the parts of the brain that monitor our sense of time and space became less active." Hmmm, this sounds like someone else has been licking my frogs. Newberg says this contributes to an individual's feeling of "losing that sense of self." The feeling, he said, is "attributed to God, for example. And then they feel that God is providing them that energy, that feeling." Whoa, dude I think I’m having a bad trip man. I need the God energy dude. Take me to heaven my lord. Cool, God smokes bongs. What a crock of shit.

But for Ellen Johnson, president of the American Atheists, science or no science, heaven is a myth. "Heaven doesn't exist, hell doesn't exist. We weren't alive before we were born and we're not going to exist after we die. I'm not happy about the fact that that's the end of life, but I can accept that and make my life more fulfilling now, because this is the only chance I have." Oh yeah, this one is desperately in need of a sexcapade. Lighten up, Ellen. She is not happy about it, but is accepting. I laughed out loud on that one. However, this one albeit speculation like the others might actually be feasible.

People will never cease to amaze me. Walters also talks with people who feel certain of heaven's existence, apart from their faith, because they believe they've had a glimpse of it in near-death experiences. In the program it was stated that a U.S. News & World Report from the late 1990s says as many as 18 million Americans believe they have had near-death experiences that gave them a glimpse of the afterlife. Dianne Morrissey tells Walters she felt the "white light of God" when she was electrocuted. More like the white light of heat coursing through her veins. "My near-death experience changed everything about me. “There is not a single experience on Earth that could ever be as good as being dead." If so, why don’t you just finish the job bitch?

British psychologist Susan Blackmore claims that she has spent many decades searching for a scientific explanation: This is what she has come up with "When the oxygen levels fall in the brain, you get massive over-activity in the brain. I think there is a true transformation, but not because you've been to heaven." It seriously took her decades to figure this one out. I could have told you this in seconds moron.

There is never a media “news” piece without the “candid” celebrity interviews. Maria Shriver – The first lady of California – has dealt with so much tragedy in her life being a part of the Kennedy family, like no one else has dealt with the pain that she has had. I think that made me want to gag on the silver spoon that she was born with in her mouth. She is now a "so-called" expert on death because her uncles were shot to death. Is she an expert on infidelity and alcoholism too? This is an excerpt from a total "PC" review of her book, titled “What's Heaven” is the story of Kate, a little girl whose great-grandma has just died. She seeks answers, and her mother helps her learn about Heaven. The many questions in this book are real, coming from Maria Shriver's own children, nieces and nephews when her grandmother Rose Fitzgerald Kennedy passed away. With loving, confident, and ultimately uplifting answers, Shriver taught her family, and will teach yours, how to come together, feel closer to each other, and feel peace. What a crock of Shit.

Also, Barbara spoke to Mitch Albom, whom I remember hating in my youth from the sports reporters always arguing with the likes of Bill Conlin and Mike Lupica. He is the author of the acclaimed “Five People You Meet in Heaven.” He tells Walters, "There's one thing I would say about heaven. If you believe that there's a heaven, your life here on Earth here is different. You may believe that you're going to see your loved ones again. So the grief that you had after they're gone isn't as strong. You may believe that you'll have to answer for your actions. So the way you behave here on Earth is changed. So in a certain way, just believing in the idea of heaven is heavenly in and of itself," he said. This is the first time I can actually say that I agree with something this guy has said. One of the best comments of the program and it came from a sports guy.

Ok, Ok, I won’t rant anymore about religion. Except for the religion that is fantasy football. Each Sabbath, I partake in the last bastion of hope that soon will end and I once again will slink into the shadows only to emerge for My beloved baseball season, to be tormented by my Phillies once again.

This is it. The Superbowl for fantasy sports. We have come along way from week 1. Was it me or are the injuries in football growing from year to year? Or maybe the players are just becoming more like pussies instead of football players. The Professor shall take you down the path of illumination and I instruct you to choose wisely for this could mean the difference between 1st place and the 1st loser in your league.

Saturday, December 24

NYG @ WAS 1:00pm
Tiki is carrying this team right now as the great passing game from early in the year is only doing ok. Washington took it to the 'Boys last week much like the Giants spanked them a few weeks back. The 'Skins will be looking to exact a bit of revenge, but it won’t happen.

Eli Manning – I wouldn’t expect a lot out of him this game. The redskins need this game more than the Giants and it should be a close defensive battle.
Tiki Barber – The Redskins are an overrated run defense giving up more on the ground than you would expect. Tiki will continue to stay hot.
Jeremy Shockey – Has played despite the disappearance it seems of Plaxico “fucking cost me a game last week” Burress.

Mark Brunell – I wouldn’t start him this week. Sacks aplenty.
Santana Moss – He has lost a little steam from the beginning of the year, but is still a good play as a number two WR.
Clinton Portis – I don’t know how much he will play this week. I guess it depends on the score. Have Ladell Betts ready if you can.
Chris Cooley – This almost killed me last week by not starting him against Noodle, thankfully I still won.
I am starting him this week, but I don’t see him putting up the same numbers.

DAL @ CAR 1:00pm
Can Parcells motivate this team after an embarrassment? Sure, why not? Carolina is not as good as some people think. Once you get past Smith, there is really nothing to get excited about. Does anyone else think that Jack Del Rio is a blowhard?

Drew Bledsoe – It sure is nice to see Bledsoe and Parcells choke together.
RBBC – stay away, stay away
Jason Witten – Too bad Vinny isn’t here to pad Jason’s stats.

Jake Delhomme – He is more like Delhommo with the way he flings his arm.
Steve Smith – Comeback player of the year, definitely. MVP, maybe.
De’Shaun Foster – He reminds me of Michael Bennett. So much potential, so little production.

ATL @ TB 1:00pm
Watching that game last week, Vick really had no chance against the Bears. That D is ferocious. Tampa walked into a growing monster in New England and, just as I predicted, Chris Simms couldn’t figure out what they were throwing at him.

Michael Vick – Historically, has played poorly at Tampa but, for some reason, I like Vick this week.
Warrick Dunn – He loves to burn his old team and I actually think he will score this week.
Alge Crumpler – I have said it before and I’ll say it again, this guy would be special with a QB who could hit the target on a consistent basis and spot him in the open field.

Chris Simms – He had his worst fantasy game of the season the last time these two teams met. I don’t see him doing much better, especially with that injured thumb.
Cadillac Williams – 100 yards and a score are likely.
Joey Galloway – Only two times this season has Joey been held without a catch and only once with Simms. It was against the Falcons. He has put up a couple stinkers in a row and is playing at home this week, but don’t expect much.

SF @ STL 1:00pm
If St Louis cannot beat the Eagles minus their whole team, then anyone can beat them. The Niner’s defense looked alright last week against the Jags.

Ryan Fitzpatrick – Strictly a backup, but may perform against the Niners.
Torry Holt – A must start in Fantasy Bowls everywhere.
Marshall Faulk – If Jackson cannot go, then he makes a great one week fill, even if it is the most important one week of the year.

Frank Gore – If he is healthy enough and Barlow is out, he makes a great play this week against an awful run defense.

TEN @ MIA 1:00pm
Tennessee almost pulled off an upset last week, but Seattle was too much for them. Miami has won four in a row including a win at San Diego, not bad.

Steve McNair – Don’t be fooled by the performance last week. He has only done well against poor defenses or teams that are looking ahead to the Colts.
Drew Bennett – He has always come through for the Fantasy playoffs and could get a score this week too.

Gus Frerotte – With 4 touchdowns and 1 interception in his last 4 games (all wins). He makes for a sneaky play this week for those of you in a bind.
Ricky Williams – Depending on the injury to Ronnie, Ricky could do well this week. Seriously. I’m not joking. What do you mean, go smoke the bong?
Chris Chambers – He has 3 td’s in his last two games. He is officially on fire.
Randy McMichael – I am starting him this week, which means he won’t do shit.

DET @ NO 1:00pm
I think both of these teams should meet up before the game and go out and have some beers. Then take Haslett and Millen and beat the crap out of them. That’s the Christmas (er, I mean Holiday) spirit.

Roy Williams – Start him if you need a third WR.

Donte Stallworth – He usually does well when the game means nothing.

BUF @ CIN 1:00pm
Cincinnati is once again on a roll after demolishing the Lions (real difficult, huh). Cincinnati can’t sit people because they are still trying to lock up the division and this week’s loser is Buffalo. The Bengals better be careful though. Aside from the New England game, the Bills have played some good teams close. (Denver, Carolina, even at Miami)

Kelly Holcomb – I like him way better than Loseman, but who doesn’t.
Eric Moulds – He likes Holcomb way better than Loseman too.
Willis McGahee – Non-existent

Carson Palmer – the best fantasy QB this year. Yet another reason that you shouldn’t draft a QB in the first round. Next season let the Bryan Lambs of the world take Carson in the first round and you can get a returning from injury Bulger in the 6th or 7th.
Rudi Johnson – 1300 yards and 12 Td’s. That is good for 5th in the league. It’s more than Tomlinson, Portis, McGahee, Jordan, Jackson, Jamal Lewis, Dillon, and Kevin Jones. Not bad for a third round pick in most leagues.
Chad Johnson – Star only getting brighter. I gotta wear shades.

JAC @ HOU 1:00pm
I hope the Garrard bus slowed down a bit after last week. He couldn’t put away the 49ers. That says it all. He gets another shot against the lowly Texans who btw would only tank games in order to trade the #1 pick for multiple picks. Reggie Bush is not going to fix this team.

David Garrard – He is only worth starting if a. You have nobody else b. He is playing the Texans, c. You have nobody else.

Jonathan Wells – Gore looked good last week running against this defense which shocked the hell out of me. Maybe Wells can do the same. Nahhhh.
Andre Johnson – He has missed five games this year and is still the leading receiver on this team. Pretty pathetic.

PIT @ CLE 1:00pm
After losing a few games, Pittsburgh got back to their bread and butter. Facing a team that gives up yards solely to the run, they should have little impedance. Cleveland is riding their young QB - I said QB Michael Jackson, not baby- which means they have some rough times ahead. Being that this is a divisional game and on the road for Pitt I am thinking this game will be a good ole fashioned knuckle buster.

Jerome Bettis – He is the only running back on the roster worth a start in any league.
Hines Ward – If he was on almost any other team. He would put up Harrison like numbers. Cleveland is not that bad against the pass, so don’t be traumatized if he doesn’t put up stellar numbers this week.

Antonio Bryant – He is the go-to guy for Frye.
Reuben Droughns – He is not very good and will show why this week.

SD @ KC 1:00pm
San Diego did the impossible last week in beating the Colts. Sorry, Noodle. Kansas City has lost 2 games in a row and looked out of sync against the Giants. San Diego gave everything they had vs. the Colts and will undoubtedly have a letdown this week at Kansas City where they have only won once since 1997.

LT – Will he play? That is the question around the leagues. A lot of high flying teams that have ridden this horse all year are scrambling like Randall Cunningham on gameday. He is a gamer and will give it his best, which if anyone recalls the fake injury king Emmit Smith means he’ll do alright.
Antonio Gates – He needs nine receptions in each of the final two games to reach 100 rec. on the year. Does anyone remember that he didn’t play in the first game?

Trent Green – Normally a fantasy playoff monster, I see Trent having a great game this week as San Diego gears up to stop the LJ Train.
LJ – San Diego has the best run defense in the league. IT doesn’t matter against this stud.
Tony Gonzalez – After starting the season averaging 7 points a game over the first 6 contests, he has averaged about 14 points per game since.

PHI @ ARI 4:05 pm
The Eagles got an elusive victory last week. Big fucking deal. I am looking to next season baby. I was planning on going to this game being that it was the closest Philly game to me this year, but a Christmas eve game that is meaningless, I’ll pass on the road trip to AZ. Arizona is awful. Plain and simple.

Ryan Moats – Watch he’ll break another long one this week. Arizona is prone to that.

Josh McCown – There will be plenty of passing in this game and Boldin and Fitzgerald will feast as usual.

IND @ SEA 4:15pm
Indy went down last week when it looked as though they would pull it out. Goodbye, undefeated season. Seattle almost lost to Tennessee. This is supposed to be a preview of Superbowl X-TRA Large. If that comes to fruition, this game will look nothing like the Superbowl game.

All Indy Starters – Tony Dungy says that he will treat this game like a preseason game. I don’t know how much of this is true, but it definitely calls for caution. If you are a gamer then you planned for this instance since early in the year.
Brandon Stokely – He will play the whole game and could wind up with the best stats.

Matt Hasselback – After burning me last year, he has thrown at least one TD in every game, but one this year. This includes 10 TD’s in his last 4 games.
SA – He is still pissed about the rushing title from last season and also wants the TD record. SA owners are safe.
Darrell Jackson – He looked like he was back last week, but the Titans are not the Colts. They are not even the Colt’s backups.

OAK @ DEN 4:15pm
Oakland lost to the Browns at Home. How do you not throw to Moss more? Its’ just mind-boggling. Denver is still, in my mind, the only team that can take out Indy in the playoffs.

Kerry Collins – HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
Randy Moss – I know he has stunk it up, but how can you sit a first rounder? Live by the sword, die by the sword.
Lamont Jordan – It doesn’t look good that he’ll play.

Jake Plummer – The fact that he will probably throw for single-digit interceptions is astonishing to me. I know his TD’s are down, but he has finally matured. No more left handed wobblers to the opponent. Congratulations Jake.
Mike Anderson – He needs 32 yards for 1000 on the season. He gets the most carries.
Tatem Bell – He plays much better at home. Get this, He only averages 8 less yards per game than Mike and has 90 less carries on the season. He averages almost 6 yards per carry.
Rod Smith – Every year people doubt Rod and every year he makes them pay. Another 1000 yard season in the books.

Sunday, December 25

CHI @ GB 5:00pm
Chicago used their swarming defense to shut down the Falcons in the frigid temperatures of home last week and they will shut down the Packers who are now using their ninth different running back this year in Noah Herron.

Rex Grossman – The offense looks much better than it did with Kyle Orton. Rosie O’Donnell would look much better with that offense that Kyle Orton.
Thomas Jones – For a guy that was supposed to be unseated this year by the vaunted Cedric Benson, he has proved that he can play with the big boys. He is a great play this week.
Chicago’s Defense – Did you see that Monday Night Game for Baltimore’s Defense. Exactly.

Brett Favre – I will remember the great things you did, but I will also remember what a horrible finale you had for your career. He might come back just to finish better than this.
Donald Driver – He elevated his play early on, but since has seemed to write off this season since week 12.

MIN @ BAL 8:30pm
Minnesota had their win streak snapped by Pittsburgh. They needed that game for, now, they must go into Baltimore and get a win to have a chance at the post season. Baltimore romped GB on Monday night and they look to have a rhythm. It’s obviously too late for that.

Brad Johnson – He will post similar numbers that Favre had. Basically worthless.
Michael Bennett – Gado looked good until he got hurt. Bennett is speedy but not elusive.

Kyle Boller – He had his best passing day ever as a pro in primetime. Maybe he showed that he can be an NFL QB. I mean it only took Jake Plummer 8 years.
Jamal Lewis – Just when you are compiling your complete busts of the season, Jamal busts out in an extremely crucial week of fantasy football. Those who kept the faith or were just lucky enough to start him were rewarded handsomely.
Todd Heap – Monday night was a Dream for Heap owners. I am still astonished at those numbers. Minnesota is prone to TE scores, so start him this week with confidence.

Monday, December 26

NE @ NYJ 9:00pm
New England is rolling at the right time, Correction, steamrolling. They are all of a sudden contenders again. The Jets only thing to play for is to stay out of last place.

Tom Brady – He has shown recently why he has been one of the most consistent fantasy performers throughout his young career.
Corey Dillon – He has scored in three straight games and will score again this week for sure.

Laveranues Coles – He does not have the fire this year, or the quarterback, or the offense, or the coach. Shall I continue?
Cedric Houston – Will the return of Blaylock take carries away from Houston? Will it matter with the way New England is playing defense right now?

Top QB’s for Week 16

1. Carson Palmer
2. Tom Brady
3. Trent Green
4. Jake Plummer
5. Matt Hasselback
6. Eli Manning
7. Drew Brees
8. Jake Delhomme
9. Peyton Manning
10. David Garrard

Top RB’s for Week 16

1. Larry Johnson
2. Shaun Alexander
3. LaDanian Tomlinson
4. Rudi Johnson
5. Tiki Barber
6. Thomas Jones
7. Corey Dillon
8. Mike Anderson
9. Warrick Dunn
10. Cadillac Williams

Top WR’s for Week 16

1. Torry Holt
2. Steve Smith
3. Chad Johnson
4. Anquan Boldin
5. Reggie Wayne
6. Hines Ward
7. Chris Chambers
8. Larry Fitzgerald
9. Plaxico Burress
10. TJ Houshmanzadeh

Sleeper of the Week – Frank Gore

Gore took full advantage of being the starter last week. He performed very well against a tough Jags defense. He racked up 136 yards on 22 touches. This week he gets the creampuff Rams and is a sneaky play for those in desperate need of a starter. I expect Barlow to be elsewhere next season or relegated to the bench. In any case, Gore will get his chance to shine over the final two weeks.

Bust of the Week – Donald Driver

Driver started the season strong and seemed to connect with Favre. Over the past several weeks, Driver has been almost a no show. The Bears are stingy when it comes to pass defense and Urlacher is playing like a man possessed. If you have another option, I would go elsewhere. It is decisions like these that can win or lose your fantasy bowl.

So there you have it. Good luck to all who will be watching this week's games like mental patients. Try not to throw anything or yell too loud. At least that's what they told me in anger management. Just remember one important rule, Always go with your gut and don't look back.


Anonymous said...

wow...i've been left speechless. i've never had to comprehend so much shit in my life. i mean come still have hope for a philly team winning. crock...

Anonymous said...

This is why wives shouldn't have control over the remote.