Monday, December 19, 2005

NUFCED by wikkidpissah


The Gods of Fantasy Football have a strange sense of humor. Little did any of us realize as we were sending in our paypal invoices, making our lists & checking them twice, drafting players both naughty & nice, trading with those sleeping, avoiding those awake, doing everything we could to get good for goodness sake, that the season’s most important day would fall on the most sacred, for both devout & profane, occasion of the year. Got a little taste last night of how corrupt sweating FFB results during important occasions can be.

The maternal side of my family is very showbusy. Of the six in my generation, five have been in da biz at one point or another. The most successful of these are my cousins Rob & Kathleen Marshall, both choreographers who have become directors. Between them they’ve done a number of musicals for television (Cinderella, Mrs. Claus, Annie, Music Man) and Robbie has directed the movie version of “Chicago” & has his first non-musical film, “Memoirs of a Geisha” opening wide this week (bring a friend). In what amounts to a heavy week for the family, Kathleen had her latest effort, “Once Upon A Mattress”, premiering on ABC last night. It has become a tradition with a group of my friends (family’s all back east) to get together to watch their stuff. But I’ve got the fruits of my abiding passion to sweat.

Not a very good year for that fruit, though. Due to juggling eleven different franchises, as well as to a number of theories that were just flat wrong, I was eliminated from both my $$$ leagues before this week. All I had left of money leagues was my $20 keeper, which I’m dominating like Kramer in the dojo, and the only $ league I joined with Fanballers, Kill’s $50 keeper. I caught the last playoff spot with a 6-7 record due to Antsports’ odd scoring system. Made it to the semis and, due to the miracles Chris Cooley kept pulling outta his ass, went into the Sunday night game with a lead, Longspurtz needing 5-60-1 outta Alge Crumpler to beat me. But I gotta go to this thing – what’s a mofo to do?!

Now, I love my cousin Kathleen, but this was the most kidcentric of her works, and I’d have been nodding off if I wasn’t jonesin’ to set up my laptop during the thing in a way I haven’t jones’d anything since I used to excuse myself in the most inane & creative ways during my substance-abuse days. Then, the president interrupts the show with his speech & I just wanna run into the bathroom for a pop of results. I was able to switch over to ESPN to see the score, anyways, but that was it. When “Mattress” ended, just enough of the guests left to make sweating the rest of SNF socially acceptable & I enjoyed the final quarter of the most improbable of all my victories. Apologies to my hostess, but it’s the only addiction I have left.

Just wait, all of you - those fortunate enough to have reached their championships will have it even worse next Sunday. God bless us, every one.

Let’s look at the games. I’m gonna skip the Saturday games, cuz I been running around & they’re no longer fresh in my mind. Will mention, though, that the Pats game was one of the best betting plays in sports – NFL team, 3rd consecutive road game (TB). Niners’ have the same situation this week upcoming. G’ahead – pay for all the presents.

SD 26 IND 17
Ding, dong, the streak is dead. Cracked me up that Bob Griese actually hadda call a press conference to deny that he & his ‘72 Dolphin buds wildly celebrated the perpetuation of their singularly immortal status...the Chargers’ victory was all the more amazing in light of how sore & reluctant LT2 was. All day, he ran like he was worried about fumbling – can’t see that changing next week...Week 15’s a bad one for PMan, I guess – he stunk it up then against the Crows last year...A window into how to beat the Colts showed itself, and it lies much in the way the Pats beat the Rams in their 1st SB win – contact, and lots of it.

JAX 10 SF 9
Dead horse of the week: DGarrard is a TERRIBLE QB. One completion of more than ten yards in the 1st half against the worst pass D I’ve ever seen. In fact, in his 4 1st halves (and against such stalwart competition as SF, Az, Cle Indy), he’s averaging 77 yards, barely completing 50%, with less than a third of his comps over 10 yds...Even Alex Smith could have done better at the Jags helm. Eeeyeeeeewww!!!

HOU 30 AZ 17
Well, at least we’ll have something to sweat on wk 17, now....the BUSH BOWL!!! They really should move it to MNF, considering what they’re playing for...JWells singlehandedly beat me in the Egern Ojne league. Props, Gnomito!...Is Brayanquan Lamboldin a restricted free agent in the offseason? Non-1st rders usually are after year 3, aren’t they? If that’s the case, the Eagles oughta hone in on this beast, no matter the cost. He’s TO without the maxipads.

PHIL 17 STL 16
Well, the Haaahvid boy devolved bigtime today...Even though I needed SJax to build upon his 80-yd 1st half, it was nice to see that old Faulkin’ guy racking up some yards here...How can Moats be sooo like Westboogie, yet da Iggles fail to throw him a single pass AGAIN (they've yet to target him this season)?!

SEA 28 TEN 24
Good thing for the Hawks that they’re locking up home field for the playoffs – they’re still a highly questionable road team...Have I mentioned that Seattle has my favorite football fans? I used to go up there from Reno once a year to see a game with my wife’s best friend & her hubby. Bad as their teams were, Seattlites started vibrating with anticipation on THURSDAY of home-game weeks. So happy they have a shot to go somewhere this season...Somebody told big DrewB-DrewB-Drew that it was FFB playoff time again.

CAR 27 NO 10
Didn’t think the Aints offense could look worse than during ABrooks sleepwalking performance on MNF, but they managed to find a way. If they kept Bouman at the helm in ’06, they would be reTodded...Was that some sick air Smitty got on that end-around or what?!

PGH 18 MIN 3
The Love Boat Curse re-rears (world’s gayest word) its ugly head. Vikes played as bad as a team at home off a 5-game win streak could...Steelers have gone back to kickin-ass-and-takin-names. They are what the Bears think THEY are.

MIA 24 NYJ 20
The IMMORTAL SAGE strikes again – how ’bout a start against the Titans for him now, Lou-Lou?...Jets suck but, unlike so many other bad franchises, they aren’t rolling over. I like this Houston kid, too.

After 14 games, Wandy Moss has finally tied what TO totalled in seven in Yahoo points. Wanna call it a draw, Lumberjunk?...It took Fryebaby a few quarters to develop the same relationship with Bryant that he had with Edwards, but they finally got it rolling. Gotta love a kid with a nice tight learning curve like that.

Holy crap, what an ass-whuppin! Mama said there’d be days like these, there’d be days like these, my mama said. Definitely owe Cooley-o a coupla rounds off this game. Santana was givin me a heart-attack with his close-but-no-cigar act, but the HBack brought it home...Both teams left their starters in waaay too long and it cost each of them an important o-lineman & Washington came thiiis close to losing Clintoris, too.

CHI 16 ATL 3
From what I saw and heard, Urlacher had the defensive game of the year, simultaneously knocking Crump off his routes, reading Vick (as short a book as that’s become), containing Vick & pounding the RBs...One positive to Orton’s performance – for once, Dubya wasn’t the most incompetent person on TV during his speech. Have you ever seen such a night & day contrast with a change of QBs?

Lalala...Il est nee, le divine enfant....a lovely Festivus to you all. To quote my favorite ecclesiastical philosophers, The Victoria’s Secret models, may you get everything you want and nothing you need. Play hard -


Watership2 said...

nice car, wikky!

Professor Ellis D Trails said...

a couple of things

1. I would love to see Boldin in an EAGLES uniform and...

2. I know how you feel sweating it out, in our fanball league on yahoo i am in the semis and face noodle, he has gado and driver and only down by 14. If they don't score I have a shot.

Noodles said...

Sadly, you won only because Gado got hurt. After all that I have come back from, I can't believe that it ended like this.

Professor Ellis D Trails said...

noodles, tell it to jbuz