This week I bring you a slightly condensed version of ONTM. I was originally planning to do all my bowl game predictions now, but I realized that they're only playing the shit games this week, and everyone will have forgotten about my picks come THE REAL bowl games. So instead, this week you get the shit-game predictions. Don't worry though, next week is the "SUPER FANTABULOUS MAJOR BOWL GAMES PREDICTIONS" column!!!! Anywhooo, on to the games:
The New Orleans "....err not really, but we have to carry on like Katrina never happened, right? Yeah, that'll show those damn terrorist" Bowl: Southern Miss -17 Arkansas St.
They should really find a better way to kick off the bowl season, doncha think? Isn't Southern Miss always in this bowl? And where's North Texas? Never seen Alabama St. play (shocking, I know)... actually, I didn't know they even existed until a couple weeks ago. On the other hand, I do know who Dustin Almond is, and he's one tough S.O.B. Really wish I had some analysis for this game, but instead I'm going to let my buddy, and ABC Sports college football analyst Aaron Taylor tell you about this game.
Aaron Taylor: "You see folks, the key to this game, is who scores the most points on offense, defense, and special teams. I really see the amount of points scored in this game playing a big factor. Bottom line: the team with the more points at the end of the game will be the team that wins. Back to you, Creek." *smiles......holds it..... holds it...... still holding....looks ridiculous....still smiling......*
Thanks Aaron. You heard him, fellas. It's going to come down to points. And I'll take Southern Miss.
S.Miss 29 ARK ST. 10
The GMAC "too lazy to spell out words" Bowl: Toledo -3 UTEP
Let's go over the top 5 reasons why UTEP won't win this game:
5. UTEP is coming off 2 losses, one of which was to SMU.
4. UTEP has more giveaways than FEMA.
3. MAC QB's don't lose bowl games there senior years. I don't have anything to back this up, it just seems that way, doesn't it?
2. Bruce Gradkowski will be sending hookers and Rick Reilly to Mike Price's hotel room the night before.
1. Mike Price jokes are still funny.
Toledo 33 UTEP 26
The Las Vegas "should we really be bringing all these college kids here...especially the mormon ones?" Bowl: California -5.5 BYU
BYU is in trouble, because they can't play defense. Apparently, that's a big part of football or something. Cal just happens to have one of the top rushing attacks in the nation, that includes maybe the best O-line. BYU's defense will have fits trying to read what Cal is doing. Speaking of reading, have you checked out this book? It's called the book of mormon, from the church of Jesus Christ of latter day saints, and let me say that it is just fantastic. If you're going to read one book about man's sorry attempts to understand the mysteries of life and the universe, make it this one.
Cal 27 BYU 16
The Poinsettia "am I being punked?" Bowl: Navy (No line) Colorado St.
No way in hell can Colorado St. stop the triple option. Will be nice to finally see Justin Holland in action. He was doing real well for a while there, but the shit hit the fan a few weeks ago with all the INT's. Should be interesting to see how he plays knowing he's got a lot of money on the line. But again, in honor of Jimed, I'm going with the naval academy. However, just for good luck:
In the navy
Yes, you can sail the seven seas
In the navy
Yes, you can put your mind at ease
In the navy
Come on now, people, make a stand
In the navy, in the navy
Can't you see we need a hand
In the navy
Come on, protect the mother land
In the navy
Come on and join your fellow man
In the navy
Come on people, and make a stand
In the navy, in the navy, in the navy (in the navy)
They want you, they want you
They want you as a new recruit
C'mon people, you know the words!
Navy 31 CSU 20
The Fort Worth "everyone in this state needs braces" Bowl: Houston +1.5 Kansas
Kansas proves once again that it doesn't matter if you schedule St. Mary's School for the Blind on your non-conference schedule, as long as you have 6 wins, you got a shot. A below .500 team in conference play (3-5) schedules a couple of creampuffs (FAU, App St.) to start the year, so they get to make a bowl. Another brilliant plan from the fat/devious mind of Mark Mangino. KU has had trouble against teams that can throw, and that's exactly what the Coug's can do.
Houston 28 KU 17
The Hawaii "wait, where's Hawaii?!" Bowl: UCF -1.5 Nevada
T'was the night before Christmas, and all through the island
Not a creature was stirring, not even the lineman.
The playbooks had been studied by the QB's with care
In hopes that when they threw it, a wide receiver would be there.
The players were nestled all snug in their beds
With visions of endzone dances in their head.
Little did Nevada know, they were in for a trap
As UCF wasn't ready for a long winter's nap.
During the game, there arose such a clatter
That the players had to be seperated, due to all the offensive chatter.
A punch was thrown in what looked like a flash
And the player's lip was torn open from the force of the bash.
After an ejection, the game was a go
And the Wolfpack continued to be terrible, one might even say, "blow".
As they looked on, the coaches began to fear
That they had as much chance to win as Hell had at getting a reindeer.
UCF's running back was so lively and quick
That the other team would grab for his jersey, and be left holding their dick.
It really wasn't fair, the Golden Knights owned the game
Their players were more talented, maybe you know them by name:
Now Moffet, now Smith
Now Marshall, and Walker.
On Johnson, on Wilcox
On Burnett, and Venson!
They were the best on the field
From pylon to pylon
Name the 5 greatest rappers of all time: Dylan, Dylan, Dylan, Dylan, and Dylan.
Just as Nevada thought they were catching up, UCF took to the sky
Showing that the 'Pack's shakey pass defense wasn't enough to squeak by.
So to the endzone they went, it was nothing new
At one point UCF was up so much, they even played their jew.
Their potential had no ceiling, not even a roof
So much scoring hadn't been seen since a late night party with the brothers Maloof.
So I went to look in the kitchen, looking for some food that might be around
However I returned in time to see the Knighs score another touchdown.
All Nevada fans had truely opened their mouths, to insert a foot
Which is disgusting, when you think about where else it may have been put.
I refocused my attention just in time to see the Wolfpack QB dropping back
Then going down hard, for the games 4th sack.
Central Florida's play made their Christmas truely merry
While Nevada's was more disappointing than the plummeting career of Luke Perry.
Grabbing the remote, I checked to see if their were any other decent shows
But it was all lame-ass puppet movies, about a reindeer, and his stupid nose.
So back to the game I went, gritting my teeth
Because it's tough to watch a team get buried 6ft underneath.
At this point, UCF was just trying to keep people healthy
I hadn't lost intrest in anything this quickly, since the last album of Nelly's.
But it was not to be, as their was a terrible injury that put a player "on the shelf"
All I could think about, was how lucky I am it didn't happen to myself.
Still I sat their, just shaking my head
Knowing it would be much more amusing, if he would have ended up dead.
The end was approaching, and the UCF fans were ready to go bezerk
When the whistle blew on the game, I got out of my chair with a perk.
For it was finally over, and I realized as I arose
That I hadn't seen anything that terrible since "The Exorcism of Emily Rose."
To bed I went, without as much as a whistle
Passing by the window, I heard what sounded much like a missle.
The big guy it was, ol' Santa Claus in plain sight
So I got my gun, and shot him in the ass, the cheek on the right.
And as his bloody carcass fell I shouted "Merry Christmas to all, now go fly a kite!"
UCF 33 Nevada 17
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