Thursday, December 08, 2005

Creek's Week 14 Syllabus ..."But I'm Not Bitter"

I've taken time out from being your #1(ish) college football prognosticator, to take a shot at the big leagues. As my good friend, Professer Ellis D Trails knows, being an Eagles fan, we need a good distraction this year. Enter fantasy football. Up until last week, it was the only thing about football the Eagles hadn't ruined (no, I'm not bitter). What's more fun than scouring the waiver wire for the likes of Samkon Gado, and (THE IMMORTAL) Sage Rosenfels? Which leads us to the upcoming week 14, and the start of fantasy league playoffs everywhere. Including my own, where I now have to replace the injured Brian Westbrook for the rest of the season. Thanks, Eagles (bitter? who?)! But I digress. You see, as a man who believes in nothing (not even an honest days work), my league's playoffs is like a religious celebration for me. Not quite on par with Christmas or Yom Kippur, but I would liken it to Aseret Yemei Teshuva. It's the days between the end of the season struggle to make the playoffs, and the championship game which lay ahead in the not to distant future. the whole time getting ready for your "day of atonement," or the day you win your leagues championship, and make up for everything in the past year(s) of fantasy football that you have done wrong. Do I take this too seriously? Probably, but at least I don't have to worry about some fat person in a red suit breaking into my house and eating all my cookies... Yes, I think we're all happy Kirstie Alley has learned the art of self-control. With that typed, it's on to the games:

Chicago @ Pittsburgh
For one, the Steelers have been passing the ball too much as of late. Roethlisburenflurgerburger's bum thumb should have been a clear sign to run the ball last week, but they ran into the scoring machine that is the Cincinnati Bengals (the apocalypse approaches), and had to throw the ball in the 2nd half. This week however, against a slightly (sarcasm? where?) less explosive offensive attack, the Steelers should be able to run the ball most of the game. I would say both Willie Parker and Jerome Bettis are decent starts this week. I see Willie getting about 75 yards and a TD, with the bus getting his vulture TD. Roesthlisberger is a "start only if you have to" play, while Hines Ward is a definite start. Maybe take a chance on Randel El if you're feeling lucky, but I won't be. As for the Bears, it's all the usual suspects. Start the defense, and Thomas Jones if you have him. And if you have anyone else on the team, hang your head in shame... go on, do it.

Tampa Bay @ Carolina
Always a fun game. If Tampa wins, it would move them into a tie atop the division, and their quaterback is Chris "shit the bed" Simms! Who would have seen this coming? Even Chris Simms has to be suprised by this... just don't tell Phil I said that....he knows people. People with guns. Ask Steve Young, he'll tell you. Back to the game - obviously the best play here is Steve Smith. Really a shame he doesn't get as much pub as CJ, because he's got some good celebrations too. Stephen Davis had 2 TD's when these two met last time, but he's slowly being pushed out of the offense, and Foster didn't do squat against the Bucs D last time. Galloway is always a play, and an injured Cadillac didn't do well against the Panthers last time, but this time in Carolina he could do better but, then again, most motorists don't when you have people like Ric Flair running around assaulting drivers. WHOOOO!

Houston @ Tennessee
For those of you who have had their teams held hostage by Andre Johnson for most of the year like I have, doesn't seeing him start to perform better make you want to puke? All the stars were aligned for his breakout season so, naturally, he sucks. It only makes sense (ok, maybe I'm bitter here). The last couple weeks he's been a good start, and should be again this week. Dom Davis will get his 25+ carries again this week, and probably get a score. For the Titans, McNair and the tight ends (Troupe & Kinney... no Scaife this week, sorry Texas fans) should have good days. I would stay away from all of Tennessee's WR's past Bennett if you have a choice, but if you're looking for an emergency fill in (which hopefully you aren't given it's the playoffs), Roydell Williams has stepped up his game as of late. But most of all, there is no reason for you to be watching this game. None. Go outside, go bowling. Anything but watching Texans/Titans.

Indianapolis @ Jacksonville
Don't know why people are suddenly saying the Jags have no chance with Leftwich out. If you thought they had a chance with him, then they have a chance with Garrard. He's just as good. However, the Jags will lose this game even if they had 1997 Mark Brunell. Fred Taylor is supposed to be back, but I seriously doubt he does anything. If you're deciding between him and Greg Jones, go with Jones. Jimmy Smith is a good start still, but I wouldn't expect a whole lot from the passing game. As for the Colts, if you have someone on their team, start them. It's that simple.

New England @ Buffalo
J.P Losman is a sneaky good start this week. And of course, Lee Evans is enjoying another late season scoring spree.(thufferin' thucatash!) As for the Patriots, it was nice to see Corey Dillon score for the first time since Howie Mandel was funny. Ya know, considering he teamed up with 'Dre Johnson to cost me $50 and all (no bitterness though). Brady, Branch, and Dillon are all good starts this week, and if you want to take a guess on which one of their TE's will score this week, g'head.

Oakland @ New York J-E-T-S
The wheels have officially fallen off in Oaktown and, as predicted by yours truly, it's because of their defense. They can't stop the run or the pass. Watched them 2 weeks ago against the Lphins, and they made Gus Frerotte look like Tom Brady, and the game was IN OAKLAND! You can't allow Gus Frerotte to beat you on the road. Getting the start at QB this week for the Raiders is former Pac-10 star Marques Tuiasosopo. He's got some mobility and a big arm. Would expect a lot (talking like 4 a quarter) jump balls to Randy Moss. Of course, both Wikkid and I will be clamoring for another Pac-10 guy, Andrew Walter, but who cares what we think? We just some genius bastards anyway. As for the game, C-Mart is hurt, but should play. He'll be good for a score. Moss obviously is a good play, as is "Dilliards" Coles (yes I still use that nickname... screw FSU.) this week. I am expecting big things out of him this week.

St. Louis @ Minnesota
The Rams had a rookie who didn't even play D-1 ball making his 1st start last week, playing alongside a running back with the size and speed of a young Earl Cambell, so naturally, they elect to throw the ball 36 times and run it 11. You know what they say, you can take the Rams out of Mike Martz, but you can't take the Mike Martz out of the Rams. When Martz dies in a week, do you think the Rams will throw the ball every play to pay homage to the man who lead them to...umm... nothing. SJax, Holt, and probably Bruce are starts for the Rams and, for the Vikes, Brad Johnson, Michael "NFL's Marcus Camby" Bennett will have big days. So will one of the Robinson boys at WR. The problem is, which one? I'll go with Marcus, just 'cause I can't see Koren having two big games in a row.

Cleveland @ Cincinnati
This will be a high scoring game, and probably a close one. Cincy is off a super emotional win, going against a "Creampuff," except this creampuff is coached by Romeo Crennel. Rule #1: Don't mess with dudes named Romeo. They don't put up with shit. For some reason, Chris Perry's touches have diminished the last couple of weeks. He was a good filler in deep leagues, but it seems they were just keeping Rudi fresh for the home stretch. CJ, TJ, and Chris Henry are all good starts at WR and, as for the Browns, past Droughns, I guess, if you have some grapefruits, you could take a chance on Frye. I like how the Browns have handled him this year. Slowly work him in. Shame Braylon got hurt. It could affect Frye's game severely. Braylon allows QB's to just throw it up and pray... ask Chad Henne (a tad bitter I suppose).

New York G-Men @ Philadelphia
Lasciate ogne speranza, voi ch'intrate

(but hey, at least I'm not bitter)

San Francisco @ Seattle
I'm sick of all this "Shaun Alexander for MVP" stuff. Yeah, he's had a great year, but Peyton Manning is about to lead a team to an UNDEFEATED SEASON. Now I know some of you will say, "but he has a great team around him, and the Seahawks would be nothing without SA. The award is most VALUABLE, isn't it?" Well, guess what. Fuck you. Remember that real annoying kid in school who would always tattle on people, and correct the teacher. Well that's you. That's what you've become. Way to go, buddy. (Am I bitter about this too? Yeah. So what?!) Of course this week, Hasselbeck, SA, and Jurevicius are starts for Seattle, as well as the human highlight reel Brandon Lloyd.

Washington @ Arizona
Favorite thing nobodies talking about this year: The emergence of Bryanquan Lamboldin and Larry Fitzgerald as the best WR duo in the league. The compliment each other so well. In fact I always hear them saying things like "great play," or "nice ass." Portis & Rock Cartwright both had over 100 last week, but obviously you're only going to start Clintoris. Santana Moss has really fallen off, but is still a start because you dance with the one who brought you there (a lesson my prom date could have used. Stupid bitch... but I'm not bitter). Arrington's been getting more carries, but I still wouldn't go with him unless absolutely necessary.

Baltimore @ Denver
For Denver, Mike the Marine is a definite start. I would probably throw Rod Smith in there with this week's "must start" guys. Still don't trust Jake the Mistake. For the Ravens it's simple. Start no one.

Kansas City @ Dallas
Ladies and Gentlemen (actually, make that gentlemen & gentlemen), my uncle is crazy. See, my uncle's a diehard Chiefs fan and, after the game against the Broncos last week, he calls me, and leaves a half drunk, half bewildered message on my phone. What did he say on the message you ask? Well, here it is:

"I hope you now believe, Pat. I hope you believe. Even with the conspiracy, we pulled it out!!! They were gonna ruin the game for us if we didn't challenge it, but (inaudible mumbling, sounds like he's fighting back tears) and we did it! I heard they were going to add the 1985 Bears to the Chiefs schedule to make sure they don't win. But they can't stop us! We're going, baby!"

I used to make calls like that to people about the Eagles...(B-I-T-T-E-R) This week, expect a letdown in Big D. By the way, what happened to Marion Barber and JJ splitting time? Anywhoo, Each team's #1 RB, TE, and WR are definite starts, while the QB's are good plays as well.

Miami @ San Diego
ALL HAIL THE IMMORTAL ONE, SAGE ROSENFELS! Even though it looks like he won't start this week, it was nice to see Wikkid's boy get the win last week. In the process, Chris Chambers (who still can't make the catches he's supposed to) had a YUGE day. And you know it's big if I go Trump on that ass. Big 3 in SD is a must start, as well as Keenan McCardell. A thing to keep an eye on, is how many carries Michael "the burner" Turner gets. He got a TD last week.

Detroit @ Green Bay
Here's the thing: Both teams suck. Not your usual suck, but full-blown "Spy Kids 3-D" suck. But, then again, who am I to talk with the state of the Eagles and all (you know what's coming). Gado and Driver are the only 2 would start from this contest. The entire Lions team looks very "meh" right now. And one more thing: FIRE MILLEN (clap clap clap clap clap clap), FIRE MILLEN (clap clap clap clap clap clap), FIRE MILLEN (clap clap clap clap clap clap).

New Orleans @ Atlanta
One hell of a Monday nighter we got this week, fellas. All of DVD is a start this week, and of course Alge Crumpler. Roddy White is a guy I like this week, and should be a good sleeper for next year. As far as New Orleans goes, their team is in shambles, plus I'm sure Atlanta will start a fight with them before the game just like they did to another team the last time they were on MNF... but at least I'm not bitter.


I'll holla

3 comments:

Watership2 said...

nice help you are -- not handicapping the Jints vs Iggles game. I was so looking forward to your observations on Tiki, Eli and Shockey.

and btw, Kinney is out this week.

Professor Ellis D Trails said...

arggh matey, that's some good shite

Professor Ellis D Trails said...

Also, about the eagles, i am not sure that's what dante had in mind, but truthfully, i feel like my team has taken me through the gates of hell.