On The Hash...Marks BCS Predictions V1.0 (by Creek)

I present to you part one of my BCS predictions:

The "with any luck both teams will lose" Fiesta Bowl: Ohio St. -5.5 Notre Dame


Ohio St. Offense vs Notre Dame Defense

Ohio St. Rush Rank: 189.5yds pg (30th) Notre Dame Run D: 119.4yds pg (26th)
Pass Rank: 215yds pg (68th) Pass EFF D: 121.4yds pg (53rd)
Total Offense: 404.6yds pg (38th) Total Defense: 376.9yds pg (63rd)
Scoring Offense: 32.5ppg (27th) Scoring Defense: 23.6ppg (45th)

Notre Dame's defense has better numbers than you would think, but against teams with offenses that could possibly keep up with their own (Michigan, Michigan St, Purdue, USC), they went 2-2. I was just about ready to say their defense was good enough to allow their offense to win this one, but giving up 31 points to Stanford is making me reconsider. They do get turnovers to bail themselves out of trouble, which is usually the sign of a defense being just good enough not to lose games, but Troy Smith has only thrown 4 INT's this season, and it's likely that at least one of his big play receivers will open a lot. If they double Holmes, Ginn will have a huge day, and vice versa. If they don't double either, well, then they'll both be open. Either way, it ain't lookin' too good for the ND secondary. Although, you can never count out a guy like Zbikowski. The thing that makes me give Ohio state the edge, is how ND handled Drew Stanton. I know, I know, that was september, but that the last QB they played who resembles Troy Smith (No Brandon Kirsch, you don't count), and Stanton torched their defense. While Smith isn't the passer Stanton is, he's a better runner, and has a better supporting cast.

Slight edge- Ohio St.


Notre Dame Offense vs Ohio St. Defense

Notre Dame Rush Rank: 154.8yds pg (48th) Ohio St. Run D: 74.5yds pg (1st)
Pass Rank: 334.3yds pg (4th) Pass EFF D: 115.8yds pg (38th)
Total Offense: 489yds pg (10th) Total Defense: 275.3yds pg (4th)
Scoring Offense: 38.2ppg (6th) Scoring Defense: 14.8ppg (7th)

Strength against strength. The indestructible force against the immovable object. And all that other fluff. I know both units are very good, but which is better is tough. Weis' offense has proven to be good enough to score against good defenses, and Ohio State's defense held 7 offenses under 20 points this year, and 4 of those were under 10 points. I don't see Darius Walker playing much of a factor in this game, but Quinn could have a big game if all the stars allign, or if tOSU plays like they did against Michigan St, and Texas. Problem is, both of those QB's are mobile guys, and Brady Quinn is, well, not. Of course, I have to mention the linebacking corps for tOSU, and the fact they're minus Bobby Carpenter (who will probably be crying come kickoff. Boo-hoo Bobby, boo-hoo). This one is just too close to call.

Push


Special Teams

Both Zbikowski and Ginn are homerun threats, which is odd for a football game. Ohio State's special teams has the edge over just about everybody.

Edge- tOSU

Prediction: tOSU 33 ND 27


The "we're stuck with the Big East team" Sugar Bowl: Georgia -8.5 West Virginia

Georgia Offense vs West Virginia Defense

Georgia Rush Rank: 157yds pg (46th) West Vriginia Rush D: 99.3yds pg (13th)
Pass Rank: 225yds pg (52nd) Pass EFF D: 111.6yds pg (23rd)
Total Offense: 382yds pg (55th) Total D: 293.5yds pg (8th)
Scoring Offense: 29.1ppg (44th) Scoring D: 16.3ppg (10th)

Before we get started, you have to remember that one of these teams plays in the toughest BCS conference, and the other plays in the (by far) easiest. Giving up 14 points to Florida, and giving up 14 points to SOUTH Florida is just a little different. What I'm saying here, is that West Virginia's defense isn't that good, and Georgia's offense is better than the numbers show. I would even go as far to say that Georgia will rush for close to 200 yards. In fact, I think I just did.

Edge- Georgia


West Virginia Offense vs Georgia Defense

West Virginia Rush Rank: 262.5yds pg (5th) Georgia Rush D: 124yds pg (29th)
Pass Rank: 116.2yds pg (116th) Pass EFF D: 109.1yds pg (9th)
Total Offense: 378.6yds pg (58th) Total Defense: 297.8yds pg (11th)
Scoring Offense: 31.55ppg (33rd) Scoring Defense: 14.6ppg (4th)

Obviously West Virginia will be running the ball all game, and Georgia is fast enough to keep up with them. Should be interesting to see how WVA's freshman react to playing in a big time game like this one, against a top 5 defense no less. Georgia's defense still has its stars (Moses & Blue), but is a better unit than it was in years passed. Caught Pat White twice this year (against Maryland and South florida) and if he, or Bednarik is forced to throw, Georgia will destroy them.

Edge- Georgia

Special Teams

Hmmm... it seems no one offers field goal stats for college football, however, I do seem to remember Georgia's kicker leading the Dawgs to victory in the game Shockley got hurt in. Even if WVA is better, it won't be enough.

Edge- Who cares

Prediction: UGA 27 WVA 10


Expect part 2 as the games get closer, because THAT'S... How I roll.

Professor Ellis D Trails Week 17 Syllabus

I pity the fool that doesn’t play fantasy football with an aggressive nature. This marks the end of another exciting yet arduous season. Those of us which used to win our championships on draft day remember it well. We did our research, carefully plotting out our strategies, carefully weighing all necessary bits of information that would have us hoisting our proverbial trophies at season’s end. Life was so much simpler then. Enter the technological phase of fantasy football combined with the growing number of debilitating (or so these pansies would like us to think) injuries and you’ve got yourself a totally different ball game.

I distinctly remember laughing at those certain individuals that would rave over particular players, whom had not done their proper homework. Nowadays, the draft is merely a stepping stone to the eventual championship.

The waiver wire has become an enormous piece of the puzzle to claiming victory. You must pounce on the player’s quickly or even before they become known to all in order to take advantage of their future value.

Take the example of players like Joey Galloway or Santana Moss. The WR position can especially be a difficult one to predict. I saw many sheets this year with Andre Johnson, Laveranues Coles, Nate Burleson, Mike Clayton, Roy Williams, Ashley Lelie, Eddie Kennison, even Keyshawn Johnson ahead of these guys. I’ll admit it, I had Galloway ranked below Justin McCareins. Out of my Top Ten, only 3 actually made it into the top ten. Those being the obvious Harrison, Holt, and Chad Johnson.

My point is that if think that on draft day you pulled a superstar team out of the crack of your ass and that you can sit back and enjoy the champagne jam. Guess again. You need to keep track more than ever. There was a time that if you did your job on draft day you could check the injury report on Friday, make a move if you had to and be set with your lineup. Now you have to be aware of player progress day to day. You must stay with updates right up to the minute before gametime. Do you remember only having to call your commish by Friday with your lineups, no way could you get away with that now.

As long as you stay aggressive throughout the season, you have a shot. More so than ever before. Draft day is important, but not like the old days.





This is the final week of the regular season and the semester is about to come to an end. I hope that all of you passed your exams as I can only lead you to the water and cannot force you to drink. If you have listened to me at all this season, then you know I can be a babbling jackass at times, but I hoped to have passed on a little wisdom as well. Some of you stragglers still have a championship to play this week and should know that this can be a difficult week to predict. This is a week where upsets are the norm and stars sit more than ever. Good Luck to you all.

For those that had their championship last week, here is a suggestion. Let all the teams play their starters and bench players and whichever team scores the most points wins $50.00. We did that in one league and we called it the All-Star week.

Saturday, December 31

DEN @ SD 4:30pm
San Diego has been eliminated and Denver has clinched the Division. This is more a pride game for LT to show the last few weeks have been a fluke.

Tatum Bell – He might get an extended look to fully rest Anderson.

LT – I think he’ll do well against mostly second stringers by halftime.
Antonio Gates – He is a great play this week.

NYG @ OAK 8:00pm
The Giants need a win for the Division and Oakland is a junk team. Collins wants to do well against his former team and that means absolutely nothing. He blows and astrocreep knows it.

Eli Manning – He doesn’t seem to have a rhythm with anyone lately besides Toomer. He should get it going heading into the playoffs. It looks as though the G-men's first round opponent would be a divisional foe and I am sure that they would like to face them at home.
Tiki Barber – Maybe Coughlin will realize who the real star of this team is.
Plaxico Burress – Paging Plaxico, Paging Plaxico, you are needed on the field. He will break his streak of games without a TD.

Kerry Collins – 3 Int’s is not out of the reach.

Sunday, January 1

ARI @ IND 1:00pm
This game should be awful. Indy’s backups vs Arizona. Even diehard Indy fans might not show up to this one.

Josh McCown – Played well last week against an EAGLES team in disarray. He won’t put up the same numbers.
Anquan/Larry – These guys are both higher draft picks next season. I would start both if I had to.

Reggie Wayne – With Stokely looking like he cannot go, Wayne and Troy Walters are the primary benefactors.

BAL @ CLE 1:00pm
Baltimore beat Cleveland early in the year and this is a divisional rivalry. The only hanging in the balance of this one is whoever loses is in last place.

Kyle Boller – He looks much better out there with a completely healthy Todd Heap. This game will be a defensive struggle with few TD’s scored.
Jamal Lewis – Has shown signs of life in the past few weeks. He says that he does better with more carries and has played much better. I wonder if that has anything to do with the fact that the passing game has gotten better.
Todd Heap – Hot, Hot, Hot.

Charlie Frye – Still trying to get a grasp of the NFL. With Braylon on IR, it’s a little harder.

BUF @ NYJ 1:00pm
Buffalo upset Cincy last week and thus guaranteed that they will not finish last. Players are starting to back Holcomb and this team has no real leadership from the Head Coach on down. The Jets helped me win Kill’s fanball league on yahoo last week thanks to Laveraneus and his two 4th quarter TD’s. Vinny became the first QB to throw a TD in 95 straight seasons, great job old man. Ok it was actually 19, but damn he is old. When Vinny was a rookie, JP Losman was 6 years old.

Willis McGahee – Last chance to show something dude, He is good for a buck and TD.

Laveraneus Coles – Scored twice last week to nearly double his season output. He is done scoring for this season.
Jets RB’s – Considering the Jets RB’s had 8 carries last week, it is hard to discern who the main guy is. My gut says Houston and I would play him this week against a weak Buffalo D.

CAR @ ATL 1:00pm
Carolina needs this game to even have a shot at making the playoffs and don’t you think this divisional opponent would love to play spoiler. Atlanta makes it so that both teams from the NFC Championship game last season are not in the playoffs. WOW, parity.

Jake Delhomme – If Steve Smith can make it a full game without grabbing the ref then he should do well.
Steve Smith – He will try to make up for last week’s debacle.

Michael Vick – I wouldn’t play him this week, but I wouldn’t play him any week.
Warrick Dunn – Now that the season is over for most Dunn owners. I say he scores three td’s this week.

CIN @ KC 1:00pm
Cincinnati has a QB who is nicked up with a groin injury, but he says he will play this week. He must not have much in the groin. Kansas City still has a shot at making the playoffs in the hopes that Detroit can win at Pittsburgh. LOL.

Carson Palmer – He says he is going to play, but we’ll see. I say only a half at most.
Rudi Johnson – KC’s run defense is not that bad. I don’t like him this week at all.
Chad Johnson – I don’t think that you could take him out of the game with a shotgun pointed at him. Play him.

DET @ PIT 1:00pm
Detroit has a chance to play spoiler at Pittsburgh. Stop laughing. No, stop. OK. Pittsburgh is in the playoffs.

Roy Williams – He might (emphasis on might) get a garbage time score this week.

Willie Parker/ Jerome Bettis – These guys are both fine starts this week.
Hines Ward – 80 and a score is what you will see in the box score at least.

MIA @ NE 1:00pm
Miami has played some inspired ball and does anyone remember Miami’s triumph over New England at the end of last year? Brady threw 4 INT's and was embarrassed. New England ended up winning the Superbowl.

Ricky Williams – He looked great last week. He should do well this week as well. I just hope that it doesn’t turn into another dreaded RBBC.
Chris Chambers – He has been a second half beast and if I had him I would start him over everyone but Holt and CJ.

Tom Brady – He has had some of the weaker performances of his career against Miami, so be careful.
Corey Dillon – All of a sudden he is a TD machine again with 13 total TD’s.

NO @ TB 1:00pm
Tampa will take the division crown with a win at home against my early season pick for worst in the league and it happens.

I wouldn’t start a single Saint. Not a one.

Chris Simms – He will throw for three TD’s this game and at least 250 against a team that has wanted this season to end a long time ago.
Joey Galloway – He should good for a score and over 100 yards receiving.
Caddy Williams – There is no way to better finish a season at running back than against this sorry bunch of saps.

SEA @ GB 1:00pm
Seattle has locked up home field advantage and this could be Brett’s last game at Green Bay all the while facing his old coach Mike Holmgren. In a book Green Bay would roll, but in reality, SA wants that record bad.

Matt Hasselback – I will be shocked if he is playing in the third quarter.
Shaun Alexander – He should set the record and then not play the rest of the game.

Brett Favre – Sound the f’in trumpets and fold up the flag, Brett could be on his way into the pasture. With two INT’s he will have thirty on the year, not the way you saw him going out.
Noah Herron – Who?
Donald Driver – He put on a nice performance last week and should see all the looks again this week.

HOU @ SF 4:05pm
If Houston wins this game there is a possibility of a 5 team tie for the first pick. If this were to happen, then my midseason pick of New Orleans would stand true as the winner of this dubious distinction.

Andre Johnson – If you need him start him, it’s the f’in 49er’s.

Frank Gore – This guy has shown that he should be starting even if Barlow is healthy.

TEN @ JAX 4:05pm
Jacksonville is awaiting the return of Byron Leftwich. Either way they have a road game against New England of Cincinnati. They should just sit him one more week. This game is meaningless.

Drew Bennett – Note to 2006 fantasy drafters – Bennett always shows up for the fantasy playoffs.

David Garrard – It all depends on if Del Rio sees enough in practice to determine who his QB is this week. If he is smart and realizes this is an inconsequential game than Garrard is worthy of a start.
Ernest Wilford – It took Davey Boy long enough to figure out this viable weapon.

CHI @ MIN 4:15pm
Chicago can get a bye with a win and you can be sure they are gunning for it. Minnesota has no identity and most likely soon no head coach either.

Rex Grossman – If you paid any attention to Bill Maas during the game against the Packers, then you were made to feel like he is the second coming of Joe Montana. He doesn’t impress me, but he is so much more superior to Kyle Orton, that he seems to be more than he actually is.
Mushin Muhammed – He definitely is better with Grossman than Orton, but who wouldn’t be.
Thomas Jones – He not only put the Cedric Benson boat behind him, he buried him. Hey Ced, you should have signed that contract, dumbass.
Chicago Defense – They are the reason that I would not recommend a single Viking at home this week.

WAS @ PHI 4:15pm
I would love more than anything to see my beloved EAGLES knock the skins out of the playoffs, but I just don’t see it happening. This is the season for miracles though.

This rivalry can get downright ugly at times so of course you have to play Moss and Portis as they are fighting for a playoff spot but beware.

STL @ DAL 8:30pm
Dallas is still trying to sneak into that final playoff spot. I hate the cowboys and would rather see the redskins in then this pathetic bunch of convicts.

Jaime Martin – He gets the starting nod by default. Go ahead, start him. I wouldn’t.
Torry Holt – He will always get his.
Steven Jackson – I thought you weren’t going to play last week, you jerk, you cost me a league and I won’t forget it. I curse you this week.

Drew Bledsoe – He made it through a season without missing any time. Wait has the fat lady sung yet. Nope.
JJ – His performance last week should quiet all the Marion Barber fans for at least one week.
Terry Glenn – She is a real good play this week. Hmmm, Hmmm, Good.

Top 10 QB’s for Week 17

1. Eli Manning
2. Trent Green
3. Jake Delhomme
4. Chris Simms
5. Drew Bledsoe
6. David Garrard
7. Carson Palmer
8. Brett Favre
9. Mark Brunell
10. Gus Frerotte

Top Ten RB’s for Week 17

1. Larry Johnson
2. LaDanian Tomlinson
3. Tiki Barber
4. Steven Jackson
5. Thomas Jones
6. Corey Dillon
7. Cadillac Williams
8. Warrick Dunn
9. Clinton Portis
10. Tatum Bell

Top Ten WR’s for Week 17

1. Torry Holt
2. Steve Smith
3. Chad Johnson
4. Chris Chambers
5. Reggie Wayne
6. Hines Ward
7. Larry Fitzgerald
8. Plaxico Burress
9. TJ Houshmanzadeh
10. Joey Galloway

Sleeper of the Week – Tatum Bell

I think that Tatum will see the bulk of time this week in preparation for the playoffs. Denver has everything locked up and does not need to expose the often-brittle Mike Anderson to any further danger.

Bust of the Week – Tom Brady

Like I stated before, he has had some pretty bad games in his career against Miami and I don’t see any reason for this trend not to continue. I know the Patriots are happy to be in the playoffs so this is not a game they really even care about.

There it is my loyal pupils, another year in the books. I would like you to join me throughout the off-season as I delve into my other hobbies such as baseball and other assorted disturbing illusions that my mind’s eye takes me to. You all shall see in the time to come. As I leave you for a final time this season, remember to always go with your gut and don’t look back.

By The Numbers - Week 16

It’s time for a look at the fantasy numbers for week 16. One of my favorite Redskins paid tribute to last week’s history maker, two RBs exploded and Kyle bowled everyone over. McNair owners were left deflated and many a whiner chalked up championship losses to Mssrs. Smith and LT. Today’s history lesson involves one of the best QBs in the game.

Oye Como Va

He’s no musician, but my favorite Santana (Moss) put together the best performance of the week. Looking like a young Eddie Kennison, his five catches for 160 receiving yards and 3 TDs elated his owners with 26 fantasy points. The Giants had no answer …

Two top-notch running performances were turned in by Shaun Alexander and Julius Jones (Mr. Explosive). Shaun tied the rushing touchdown record with a 3 TD 145 combined yard performance, and JJ surprised many with a 194 rushing yard 2 TD day. Their respective totals of 24 and 21 fantasy points made the winning difference for many owners (especially the guy who had both against me in one of my championship losses).

Finally, there’s the resurgent Kyle Boller. With 289 passing yards and 3 TDs, could it be that he has turned the corner? Ravens’ coach Brian Billick is not convinced, but Kyle sure made a few owners believe in the risk/reward equation with a nice 21 fantasy points.

Flatliners

Steve McNair turned in a short but lousy day with 34 passing yards and 2 picks. His negative 4 fantasy points left some owners with a hole in their collective pockets.

Steve Smith also had a short day, with a different kind of explosion that left owners with 18 receiving yards and zero fantasy points. Some days, even your studs (LT2 = 2 fantasy points) leave you high and dry, just hurts to have it happen on a championship weekend … ah, well, they got you there, you have to live with whatever happens, right?

Do we have to talk about Brett Favre again? When will he truly call it quits?

This Week in Fantasy History

This week, we take a short trip back in history to look at one of a future hall-of-famer’s best games.

In 2003, Tom Brady closed out the season with a 31-0 shutout of the Buffalo Bills. With 204 yards passing, 23 yards rushing and four passing TDs, Brady put together a nice total of 29 fantasy points. As usual, he spread the wealth to four different receivers.

IT'S ALL GOO

As the '05 season winds down, it's time to take a look at the midseason predictions of those among our crack staff fearless enough to have made them:

Sir Rufus Wetboat:

WETBOAT’S BOLD PREDICTIONS -
1. Charlie Frye is inserted in the starting lineupfor the Cleveland Browns’ game at Minneapolis in week 12. After he fumbles on the first play, he leads the team to a stunningly decisive win over the Minnetonka Love Boats. With Braylon back in action, and the team gelling, Da Dawgs go 4-2 the rest of the way (the only losses against Cincinnati and Pittsburgh), and Frye becomes a late-season sleeper in the fantasy football world. Wherefore art thou, Romeo?
2. Stay away from any and all Packers the rest of the way. They have a sorry-ass schedule: 6 of the next 8 games are against tough defenses. This includes Chicago (twice), Pittsburgh, Atlanta, Baltimore, andPhiladelphia. Trade Favre now before his value drops and you get less for him later in the season.
3. The Jacksonville Jaguars win the AFC Southdivision, despite the Indianapolis Colts’ 7-0 start. Yes, you heard me right. Here’s why: Indianapolis’ next 5 games: @ NE (loss), HOU (win), @CIN (loss), PIT (win), TEN (win), leaving them with a 10-2 record going into the week 14 showdown vs.Jacksonville.Jacksonville’s next 5 games are all wins againstprimarily bad teams: HOU, BAL, @ TEN, @ ARI, @ CLE. The only question mark is the away game at TEN – if they win this, that’s a huge deal. With those wins,they go 9-3. My boldest call: Jacksonville beats Indianapolis at home in week 14, setting up a first-place tie. The Jags win the next 3 games, against SF, @ HOU, and acollapsing TEN, going 13-3. Indianapolis beats SD,then loses an ugly game @ SEA in the nasty December rain in Seattle, and wins the ARI game, for a 12-4 record. Jags clinch the division.
4. The teams that will go one-two in the 2006 NFLdraft are the San Francisco 49ers, at 2-14, and the Houston Texans, at 3-13. Houston stays out of the #1 slot by virtue of beating the 49ers in the last game of their seasons. If there ever was a time and a place for the two worst teams in the NFL to play against each other in a completely meaningless game, Week 17 was it. As LOCKERROOM’s resident baghead, I’ll be there in spirit.
5. Andre Johnson will go for 700 yards and 7 TD's for the rest of the year (not including Week 17). He won't give up on Houston's season.
TOP 5 LATE-SEASON SLEEPERS -
1. Mewelde Moore: Easy schedule & no vulture quarterback.
2. Charlie Frye: See above.
3. Brooks Bollinger: Looked good in relief of Vinnyvs ATL, look for Herm to make the switch soon as he looks forward to ’06.
4. Matt Jones: Very soft schedule rest of the way, so Lefty can spread the wealth.
5. Amani Toomer: Giants offense is gelling, and Amani will see increased looks.

TOP 5 LATE-SEASON BUSTS -
1. Brett Favre: See above.
2. Rudi Johnson: Tough late-season schedule plus injury bug.
3. Priest Holmes: Ditto.
4. Julius Jones: Injury issues the last 2 seasons may force Tuna to rely on RBBC.
5. Cadillac Williams: Proverbial rookie wall.

Mr. Ellipsis:
Using my specially developed elliptical viewing device, I have foreseen the fantasy future.

Five Bold Predictions -
#1: Ronnie Brown will win the ROTY while rolling up 1400 yards rushing and 12 TDs. That’s a 25% increase in yardage output and 9 additional TDs (one per game). Ricky who?
#2: Home For The Playoffs – The Eagles streak of conference championships, division titles and playoff appearances will come to a screeching (get it?) halt. Too much complaining, too many injuries, time for some fresh blood at the top.
#3: Manning vs. Manning – Little brother Eli will end up with more yards passing and more touchdowns than big brother Peyton. Both will create the buzz of the playoff season, with the Giants falling one game short of the NFL’s wildest dream match-up for the Super Bowl.
#4: The Curse – Peyton finally breaks through the Patriot mystique and makes it to the extra large (that’s XL, babies) game in Detroit. Of course, they will win it all.
#5: Da Bears, Oh My – Believe it or not, these Chicago Bears will excite the South Side like nothing since, well, the Chisox! At least they won’t have far to go to make it to Detroit …

Five Sleepers -Arise sleeping beauty …
#1: Brad Johnson – Thanks to the departure of Daunte, Brad gets another chance. It won’t be his fault that Tice gets fired. Using the WRs to stretch the defenses occasionally, Mr. Dink and Dunk will put together respectable fantasy numbers with Mewelde and Jermaine as his partners in crime.
#2: Kyle Orton – That’s right, two sleepers in the same crappy division, and both playing QB! Orton is ready to open up the offense and use Muhsin the way Lovie envisioned it going into the season with Grossman. Somebody’s got to lead this team to the promised land.
#3: Chester Taylor – I’ve been holding this guy on my bench all season, and the time is coming soon for Billick to face facts and bench Jamal Lewis. When he does, Chester will have everyone saying “why didn’t he make the switch sooner”!
#4: David Patten – It’s the Redskins modus operandi. Keep a top notch player under wraps for a stretch until he’s fuming, then unleash him on unsuspecting defenses. Owners of Santana Moss needn’t worry, there will be plenty of fantasy goodies to go around. Patten will be good for at least 600 yards receiving and 5 TDs in the last nine games.
#5: Bryant Johnson – Anquan Boldin’s timing couldn’t have been worse with Warner returning to the starting QB job. Johnson will slide into Boldin’s slot and take all the leftovers that Larry Fitzgerald leaves behind. I see a two TD day in Bryant’s future (check out weeks 11, 13 and 15).

Five Busts -Let’s forget the obvious (Culpepper, Ahman, Clayton, Lewis, etc) and reach a little here:
#1: Chris Simms – The future is not now, and Jon Gruden is not going to suffer this fool lightly. We could be looking at McCown or (gasp) Tim Rattay at the reins before the season ends. The Bucs will make the playoffs, but that’s it.
#2: Julius Jones – Too much competition and the Cowboys on a roll will spell few opportunities for the Orange one to rack up fantasy points. Make your trade now while the getting is good.
#3: Deion Branch – It’s just not the Patriots season, and struggles will be plenty in New England. Hard to get much in the way of fantasy points when your head coach is missing his greatest offensive mind down the stretch.
#4: Isaac Bruce – Age is a terrible thing for a professional athlete. Injuries have finally caught up with this warrior, and I don’t see much left in the tank. Once Holt and Bulger are back, the Rams won’t look back with Kevin Curtis in the #2 slot.
#5: All Things Niner – Talk about a heaping pile of fantasy dung. If you got stuck with Barlow, Smith, Lloyd et al, I pity you the rest of this season. Two wins is all you’ll see there, and there’s nothing on the bench that’s worth waking up.

Professor Ellis D Trails:

Bold Predictions -
1. New England will not make the playoffs – This team has been decimated by injury. Their DB’s have gone down faster than Monica on Bill. Billy B has done a great job with this team, but even the return of Bruschi to this team will not help a team that is lacking in many areas in order to be successful. Heart can carry you but this weight is too much to bear.
2. Indianapolis will lose to Denver in the Championship Game – Indy looks unstoppable. True. Indy is more balanced in their attack. True. Indy has a much improved Defense. True. Peyton Manning will choke in the playoffs. True
3. Shawn Alexander will lead Seattle to Superbowl – I am an EAGLES fan first and foremost. Therefore, it pains me to predict a loss for my team. I just don’t have the feeling that I have had in the past several years, but I digress. I think that Holmgren finally realizes the monster that he has and wants to take advantage of this before the Free Agency season begins. I never had much confidence in Hasselback, but with a guy like Alexander any team can go far.
4. There will be at least one arrest of an active NFL player – I know, I know, not really a BOLD prediction, but never the less.
5. The number one draft pick will go to the New Orleans Saints – They had a couple of emotional victories early in the year, but with the offensive injuries and complete lack of leadership by there ever underachieving QB, I can honestly say that this team may not win another game.

Sleepers -
1. Larry Johnson – With Holmes leaving this past game with “Mild Head Trauma” this could be the opening that LJ was looking for. This guy tore it up during the end of last season and very well could do it again.
2. Byron Leftwich – Good ole Lefty, sorry Carlton. This guy has a cannon and his schedule upcoming seems easier to score on than a whore who needs to support her habit. He has the ability and the weapons. Will he open it up? I think so.
3. Billy Volek – McNair is an enigma, the guy can play through pain but is a shell of his former self. Volek is easily the best backup in the league and I predict he will take the starting job and exploit opposing defenses
4. Kevin Jones – The lions stink, this is a perpetual fact of life. They stunk last year too. In the final 7 games KJ ran for an average of 118 yds/game and scored 4 td’s – Hopefully Detroit remembers this and gives him the ball, besides the QB is awful and everyone knows it.
5. Amani Toomer – This guy has always had good hands. He only has 21 catches so far this season but was crucial in the later stages of the comeback against Denver including the game winning TD. I hate this pick mainly because I hate the Giants.

Busts
1. Mark Brunell – This guy has been a superstar. I say WHAT!!!!. I just cannot see this guy continuing his pace; he had weapons in JAX and never threw more than 20 td’s in a season. I may be wrong on this one, but I just don’t see it.
2. Andre Johnson – This guy had so much potential coming into this season. He had so many catches in his first two years, it was easy to label this guy as the next TO, what do we got, 4 games – 10 catches – 76 yards – 0 TDs. Just awful.
3. Tony Gonzalez - Considering Gonzalez was the top TE picked in almost every fantasy draft this year, he has been a huge disappointment the first half of the season. Gonzalez has 25 catches for 209 yards entering last game, which is a 34.8 yards per game average, and he has only 1 TD. Some may say he will come on, I say if it hasn’t happened yet, then it won’t happen
4. LJ Smith – This guy was on a tear at the beginning of the year, but in the last three games he has only averaged 3 for 29 yds and one score. With Donavon hurting and this team reeling, who can be sure if he’ll get back to the early season pace? Not me.
5. Green Bay Packers Conditioning Coach – This guy has to be the one of the biggest factors in Fantasy Football Teams pain. Goodbye Ahman Green, Najeh Davenport and Javon Walker and Robert Ferguson. Will the trend continue and will the Packers be able to field a team or be forced to forfeit, the latter probably helping their defensive scoring. JK you crazy cheeseheads

As always, some A's, some F's, some INC's. But always fun to read. Happy New Year.

NUFCED by wikkidpissah

FALALALLIES

My favorite joke of this Christmas season:

Define “falalalala”.
George W. Bush trying to pronounce Fallujah.

Now that the 800-lb gorilla of holidays has passed, I would like to join my LOCKERROOM colleagues by making another unChristmassy observation. I am not a Christian, do not have any family locally and am fairly non-materialistic, so my only important pleasure during the holiday season has been in people being just thiiis much more civil to each other in the last month of the year. My contribution to this gestalt usually rests in a small amount of charity work and a few Random Acts of Kindness (giving large, unexpected tips, telling a harried mother with a kid on her hip in the grocery line that her purchase is on me, taking a homeless person to the store for shoes or a coat). I became rather famous at my last workplace for making my sports & dare bets in the form of the loser having to perform an RAK, but have converted several customers & fellow employees to the art in the process. I still get a good feeling from stuff like this, but I’m noticing steep declines in the Civility Quotient around me each passing year.

With 90% of my gift-shopping done early with the need for mailing them out of state, I like to leave my final bit of shopping til the last minute, so better to enjoy the local decorations (ristras, farolitos & luminarias making the New Mexican Christmas brighter and less gaudy than most areas) and the late crush of hollyheads. With my cousin’s movie premiering Friday (“Geisha” not too bad for a chick flick), we took in the matinee, a late lunch and an hour of shopping. Well, the reviews are in and you are all SLIME!! Outside of the monotonous and monotonal intonation of politically-correct Yuletide wishes, I saw nothing but the same glazed self-involvement, inverse bullying & willful passive-aggression that I witness in public places the rest of the year. Now we’re not talking the rush to greed at WalMart the day after Thanksgiving – in fact the better-heeled the shopper the more of the heel they resembled. Worst by far are women of mothering age - not only do they feel no one to exist but them & theirs, no need to govern or disparage their precious broods for any behavior but, now, they have a new fetish – taking the path of an oncomer in order to drink in the pleasure of making men divert their course. Much like George Costanza feels we have a deal with the pigeons, I am verrry close to shitstomping the next soccer mom who feels she triumphs over the natural order of things by walking thru a large man with as much to do and more right to the path as she. People – I realize that commuting makes folks less likely to offer kindnesses that usually do little more than cause greater delays and that some lives are more dense with task & worry than others, but I’m about to start grabbing the blouse collars of Oprahites who take my good manners for granted, if they don’t start showing some respect.

A wise man once told me that the path to a good & happy life lay in observing three public & three private obligations – public: to be decent, responsible & kind; private: to love, reach & enjoy. As well as that axiom has served me, the careening selfishness of the world around me may cause me to add a list of three preventive measures to show the narcissist the cost of perfidy. Maybe your Random Act of Kindness can be to embrace the cause & pass the word. God bless us, every one.

On to the games of week 16...

MIA 24 TEN ten
2005 fantasy playoff flashback: Volek-to-Bennett TD...Haven’t given Chris Chambers props for his incredible 2nd half, so I’ll do it this way: since when do you have to be injured to qualify for the Comeback of the Year award? Everybody & their monkey is touting Steve Smith for the award but, much as I love Smitty, all he came back from is an injury similar to those which happen to dozens of players each year. Now, in the cases of Robert Edwards and Garrison Hearst, who came as close to losing a limb as to seeing the playing field again, I can see it. But shouldn’t “Comeback” go to someone who resurrects a career everyone had left for dead, like Rod Smith, or someone who had outlived their promise but then reached down to find that something extra, like Chambers, over one who merely returned from the rehab room like so many others?

KC 20 SD 7
This is the 2nd consecutive season that LT2 has half-played for like a month due to injury. Sometimes, being the main man entails knowing when you’re not the best option for your team and stepping aside...I haven’t seen such a brilliant, relentless & powerful run of games like LJ has had recently since Terrell Davis was healthy.

JAX 38 HOU 20
This game was a LOT closer than the score indicates. Houston almost kept pace with the Niners in ruining the Bush Bowl. JWells, who I really liked coming out of THE OSU but lost respect for during his “am I a fullback?” years, will be a very serviceable complement to Reggie should it fall that way. But what do they do with DD?...It took several weeks for Lefty to develop his connection with EWilford and now, after several weeks, it appears Garrard has found him as well. Those few with a week 17 Bowl might find Ernie a useful option.


PGH 41 CLE 0
Look out for the Steelers – they could be the team whose buttkickin' defense peaks at the right time & interrupts the Super Bowl path of a seemingly undeniable juggernaut, as often happens during the championship season...Ever played that game of “stop & start” with a hitchhiker or friend you wanted to goof with? That’s what the Steelers did on their path to the shutout. After a dominant 1st half that put it outta reach, they spent the entire last half playing cover 3 til poor Charlie would cross into Pgh territory, then bitchslapping him mercilessly. Final insult came when they got inside the 10-yd-line wirh 30 seconds left, but a sack robbed the Brownies of their final chance. Hilarious!

BUF 37 CIN 27
Amid all the tent-folding that goes on with failed or hard-luck franchises this time of year, there’s always a game or two where the “I don’t give a shit anymore” vibe turns into the wonderful upset of a contender and, lord help me, I love it!...Starting to have some questions about Coach Marv. His team is waaay too cocky for a squad that has accomplished as little as they have & he set the tone for this loss with a run of uninspired, almost disinterested playcalling. The Bills couldn’t stop Rudi early, yet Webster backed off from ramming him down their throats and, now, they have an extra game to play in January. Not, not , NOT smart.

DAL 24 CAR 20
Can always count on a “character” game from the Tuna when he needs one...Gotta hand it to Bledsoe – there have been a number of times this season where he could have reverted to his old “don’t care how bad I’m doing” ways, but hasn’t...Lame call on Smitty’s ejection. His “contact” was closer to a reacharound than a threat.

WASH 35 NYG 20
Schizo bunch, the DC eleven – start the season 3-0, then 2-6 for the middle part, now four wins in a row...How the hell could the Gints get drawn into a pass-first offense after the ungodly game Tikitikitiki had last week?!...Interesting to see what impact Joe Gibbs’ utter lack of confidence in PRamsey will have on their vital last contest.

SF 24 STL 20
Man – Niners are so bad they can’t even suck when it’s in their best interests to do so...If the Rams had told SJax to sit & given that Faulkin guy his last-home-game showcase, they woulda run away with this’n.

DET 13 NO 12
Nufced

AZ 27 PHIL 21
OK, OK – I should have guessed by the fact that he couldn’t beat Joey out of a job, that McMike was a terrible quarterback. Still would have liked to see them go all-shotgun when they made him starter...End of Ryan Moats’ 15 minutes? Since his long TD run last week, he’s rushed 20 times for 32 yds...Have there ever been sooo many excellent WRs being thrown to by soooo many bums, idiots & lameoids?! More on that later.

SEA 28 INDY 13
I usually don’t comment on the tragedies of people I don’t actually know – after all, 40,000 people die each day from the simple inability to sustain life & isn’t it hypocritical to suffer the one due to celebrity & ignore the many? – but my heart goes out to the Dungy family. Having worked in adolescent psych for a few years, I can tell you it’s immensely frustrating when you can’t get a young person to see that tomorrow is the cure for the worst thing that could possibly befall them...Do you realize that, if the Colts’ starters do a one-&-done next week as expected, by the time they face their 1st playoff foe it will have been 35 days since their 1st unit has played winning football? Hmmm...

DEN 22 OAK 3
Raiders suck so much that I couldn’t enjoy a victory in this, my favorite rivalry in football...Denver would open a can of whoopass on any NFC playoff team, yet I don’t think they’ll win a postseason game in their own conference this year.

CHI 24 GB 17
After all the weeks of comparing this awful season to Willie Mays’ final year with the Mets, I realize it’s not Say Hey to which Brett is most similar, it’s Muhammed Ali vs. Spinks, Holmes & Berbick. Favre is punchdrunk & I hope someone tells him so. If he quits now, we’ll blame ’05 on his team. If he plays next year, there will be more tarnish than shine on our memories of him.

BAL 30 MIN 23
The horrible thing about this end-of-year minirun is that it may have Billick thinking he has a QB for ’06. These two games were against the NFC Morris, coach – Kill Boller is still a bum. Woe to any who might think otherwise...I thought this was gonna be, in the wake of Belichick success with altitude-challenged wideouts, the Year of the Mini WR. Unfortunately, for every SSmith & SMoss there was a Mason, Evans and now this kid who could end up being the best Mark Clayton to ever play WR, who have such recondite slobs tossing the pig at them that their stars could do no more than flicker. Oh, well, flick it.

Though the staff of LOCKERROOM may have gone too far in the other direction, I am very proud of the fact that none of them fell back on “What I’d give blah-blah-blah for Christmas” as a columnistic device. Now, if we can just get thru this week without making resolutions on anyone’s behalf, we’ll be just fine. Play hard -

MERRY
CHRISTMAS,
from the festivus-sucking,
mistletoe beltbuckle-wearing,
humbuggering
grinches here at
LOCKERROOM

On The Hash... Marks (by Creek)

Why wasn't this in Shrek 2?


Going to go quickly through this week's bowl games, as nobody really cares, since we're all busy buying presents for Jesus.



The Motor City "better than the Music City" bowl: Memphis -6 Akron

Why Memphis will win: They have the best player on either team in DeAngelo Williams. Umm... Don't know much about Akron... Is Charlie Frye going back to play this game? Looking at the stats, it would seem that they have a good running game, and they did win the MAC, which means something nowadays.

Player to watch: Williams

Memphis 24 Akron 16


The Champ Sports "suck on that, Footlocker" bowl: Clemson (no line) Colorado

Why Clemson will win: Colorado has two chances in this game-- slim and none (Wow that was corny... did I just write that?). After the Nebraska and Texas losses, mixed in with Barnett getting fired, it just doesn't look like they are going to put up much of a fight. Clemson, on the other hand, is coming off two big wins against FSU and South Carolina.

Player to watch: Tye Hill

Clemson 33 Colorado 13


The Insight "we're stuck with Rutgers" bowl: Rutgers +13 Arizona St.

Why Arizona St. will win (but not cover): If this game was played about 2 months ago, I'm taking ASU no matter what the spread is, but without Sam Keller I just can't do it. I know that Carpenter has played well, but I steering the "Keller for Heisman" bandwagon. Without him, ASU is just a few good pass catchers, a good freshman running back and Dale Robinson. Not enough for me to take them to win by 13.

Player to watch: Clark Harris (I know there are more talented guys like Brian Leonard, Derek Hagan, ect., but Harris is the next L.J Smith)

Arizona St. 34 Rutgers 28


The MPC Computers "win one for the nerds!" bowl: Boston College +3 Boise St.

Why Boston College will win: After Boise St. got killed by Georgia, I didn't pay attention to them the rest of the year. I assume they still suck.

Player to watch: Mathias Kiwanuka

Boston College 23 Boise St. 20


The Alamo "can we hurry up and forget this?" bowl: Michigan -17 Nebraska

Why Michigan will win: They're motherfucking Michigan, that's why! Nebraska is, well, not playing very Nebraska-y, and in the words of my buddy Big Jon, "is so gay for hiring Bill Callahan, and running the west coast offense." Well said Big Jon.

Player to watch: Jason Avant (it's his last game, and he'll be going out in style)

Michigan 37 Nebraska 16



And giving that Christmas is in 2 days/a day/already passed depending on when you read this, I suppose I need tosay something pertaining to the holiday, so here it goes:

Fuck Christmas. Thank you.

Professor Ellis D Trails Fantasy Bowl Syllabus

What is Heaven and how do I get there?

Warning: adult content
This is a program that I happened to be watching while conducting my usual assortment of news gathering from the world of the National Football League. The picture is right before Barbara gave the Dalai Lama a kiss on the cheek and then the Buddhist showed her what kissing in New Zealand was like. Insert vomit comment here.

I was treated to two hours of complete hysterical entertainment as Baba Wawa delved into the world of enlightenment. My wife put this on and at first I didn’t want any part of it, but somewhere along the way I found it completely fascinating as well side-splitting.

She examined the view of Heaven from every angle; Christian, Judaism, Evangelical – this one was especially funny, with the most judgmental character of them all, Muslim and Muslim Jihad, Atheism, Scientific and so on.

I love how the media acts as though they are informing the masses, but instead only add more propaganda to the ever growing pot of Bullshit. Instead of exploring each side with some semblance of intelligence, they would show a piece from one side and then show a contradictory piece from an opposing view. Instead of being an informative news program, it was a 2 hour religious argument.

Baba interviewed an insurgent that had attempted feebly attempted to become a suicide bomber and thus escape to the land of 72 virgins, alas his bomb malfunctioned and he was unable to fulfill his “destiny.” Ms. Walters continued to press the indifferent detainee in an attempt to get him to say that she (Barbara) is going to hell for not accepting Muslim as her faith. He was asked to describe hell and he stated it would be as if you being burned over and over with a fire that burned ten times hotter than the hottest fire you could imagine. Then God would save you only to have the blazing inferno to begin again. The broadcast interspersed the jailed holy hero with Imam Feisal Abdul Rauf, the founder of the American Society for Muslim Advancement. He would dispute every claim that the imprisoned Muslim would declare. He told Walters, "The real life is the next life … and based upon how we live this life, it determines where we shall be in the next. We are told we will be in comfortable homes, reclining on silk couches … so we're given the delights of sex, the delights of wine, the delights of food with all of their positive things without their negative aspects." What a crock of Shit.
















The promise of heaven plays a central role in the life of Pastor Ted Haggard, president of the National Association of Evangelicals, and his congregation. As an evangelical, Haggard believes if you are not a born again Christian, you have no assurance of going to heaven. But if you are "born again" in the belief that Jesus Christ is your personal savior, you are assured a place in Heaven. He also believes that this life is a sort of weigh station on the way to an eternal home. "Jesus Christ guarantees eternal life to anybody that'll follow him. … The purpose of life is to glorify God and go to heaven … 'cause heaven is our home." This guy is the supreme a-one jackass. If you don’t believe me than take a look at what this guy believes - http://www.tedhaggard.com/believe.jsp - If you would like to schedule an interview, you can actually do so on his website, no, seriously. I bet it costs a ton of money though, how spiritual. What a crock of Shit.
















One of the more interesting parts of the “show” was her sit down with the Dalai Lama, the fourteenth reincarnation of Buddha, a living God if you will. The Dalai Lama says that the purpose of life is to be happy, and that you can accomplish that by "warm-heartedness." He tells Walters "heaven is the best place to further develop the spiritual practice … for a Buddhist the final goal is not just to reach there, but to become Buddha. It's not the end." As a Buddhist he believes in reincarnation and tells Walters that people can have second lives as animals. "If someone does very bad or badly (e.g. kill or steal) he could be born in an animal body."

Richard Gere, a longtime follower of Buddhism tells Walters, "I don't think necessarily heaven and hell happen in some other life. I think it's right now" meaning that for those that have “bad” lives are in hell and those that prosper are in “heaven.” How about that for a new class system? Instead of upper, middle, and lower, you could have Heavenly and Hellish. Thank you ACTOR, Richard Gere. What a crock of Shit.
















I remember an episode of Mr. Show where the Dalai Lama dies and they find the next reincarnation of Buddha (played by Bob Odenkirk) in like Iowa or something and then whisk him away from his friends to Tibet. He then becomes more enlightened and his friend (played by David Cross) comes to visit him. He eventually tells his friend (Bob) that he is a pussy now and has sold out his buddies by becoming the Dalai Lama. He caves in to his friend and allows Dave’s character to stay in Tibet and live with the monks. It is hilarious because Dave causes a whole mess of trouble for the monks, like smoking bongs and doing a cannonball into the holy water at meditation. Just when you think that The Dalai Lama is going to throw his friend out, they team up to beat the fat kids at Monk camp in the 501st Olympics. Bob triumphs by performing an impromptu rap (which is awful) and beats the fat kids ringer, professor murder. Great comedy.

Anyway, back to my rant. Rabbi Neil Gillman, a professor of philosophy at New York's Jewish Theological Seminary, expressed Judaism's perspective on the afterlife. "For the past 2,000 years, most Jews believed that at death the body and the soul separate, the body is interred and disintegrates in the Earth, the soul goes off to be with God," he tells Walters. But that's not the end of the story. "At the end of days, God will resurrect bodies, will reunite body and soul, and the individual will come before God to account for his or her life," Gillman said. My question is, what happens in the meantime? Do all of the souls just sit around waiting for the end of days? Considering what the Nazi’s did, that place has to be crowded as hell. What a crock of Shit.
















For most people, proof of Heaven's existence is not necessary. Faith is all they need. Dr. Dean Hamer, a geneticist at the National Institutes of Health, thinks he has figured out why this faith comes easily to some, but escaped others. "Whether a person is spiritual or not is not necessarily a matter of their will. It may be something innate about their personality." Hamer suspects spirituality might be a personality trait encoded in our genes. He began his research by asking more than 1,000 people to answer a series of questions about faith and spirituality. He then tested DNA from the study participants and found that those who scored highest on his survey had a mutation of at least one gene that seemed to affect their level of spirituality. He named it "the God gene." - The fucking God gene, why are people spending time and money on this idiocy? - "It's a gene that's called VMAT2 and we can isolate it, and we can study it in detail. This particular gene controls certain chemicals in the brain. And those chemicals affect how consciousness works. They affect the way that our feelings react to the events around us," he tells Walters. Hamer also states that researchers have been able to detect changes in the brain when people are in the midst of intense prayer or meditation. (That’s because they are nuts.)

Dr. Andrew Newberg, a neuro-radiologist at the University of Pennsylvania, is one of these so called “researchers.” Newberg says his research shows a marked increase in brain activity in the frontal regions of the brain. "At the same time," he adds, "the parts of the brain that monitor our sense of time and space became less active." Hmmm, this sounds like someone else has been licking my frogs. Newberg says this contributes to an individual's feeling of "losing that sense of self." The feeling, he said, is "attributed to God, for example. And then they feel that God is providing them that energy, that feeling." Whoa, dude I think I’m having a bad trip man. I need the God energy dude. Take me to heaven my lord. Cool, God smokes bongs. What a crock of shit.
















But for Ellen Johnson, president of the American Atheists, science or no science, heaven is a myth. "Heaven doesn't exist, hell doesn't exist. We weren't alive before we were born and we're not going to exist after we die. I'm not happy about the fact that that's the end of life, but I can accept that and make my life more fulfilling now, because this is the only chance I have." Oh yeah, this one is desperately in need of a sexcapade. Lighten up, Ellen. She is not happy about it, but is accepting. I laughed out loud on that one. However, this one albeit speculation like the others might actually be feasible.

People will never cease to amaze me. Walters also talks with people who feel certain of heaven's existence, apart from their faith, because they believe they've had a glimpse of it in near-death experiences. In the program it was stated that a U.S. News & World Report from the late 1990s says as many as 18 million Americans believe they have had near-death experiences that gave them a glimpse of the afterlife. Dianne Morrissey tells Walters she felt the "white light of God" when she was electrocuted. More like the white light of heat coursing through her veins. "My near-death experience changed everything about me. “There is not a single experience on Earth that could ever be as good as being dead." If so, why don’t you just finish the job bitch?

British psychologist Susan Blackmore claims that she has spent many decades searching for a scientific explanation: This is what she has come up with "When the oxygen levels fall in the brain, you get massive over-activity in the brain. I think there is a true transformation, but not because you've been to heaven." It seriously took her decades to figure this one out. I could have told you this in seconds moron.


















There is never a media “news” piece without the “candid” celebrity interviews. Maria Shriver – The first lady of California – has dealt with so much tragedy in her life being a part of the Kennedy family, like no one else has dealt with the pain that she has had. I think that made me want to gag on the silver spoon that she was born with in her mouth. She is now a "so-called" expert on death because her uncles were shot to death. Is she an expert on infidelity and alcoholism too? This is an excerpt from a total "PC" review of her book, titled “What's Heaven” is the story of Kate, a little girl whose great-grandma has just died. She seeks answers, and her mother helps her learn about Heaven. The many questions in this book are real, coming from Maria Shriver's own children, nieces and nephews when her grandmother Rose Fitzgerald Kennedy passed away. With loving, confident, and ultimately uplifting answers, Shriver taught her family, and will teach yours, how to come together, feel closer to each other, and feel peace. What a crock of Shit.





























Also, Barbara spoke to Mitch Albom, whom I remember hating in my youth from the sports reporters always arguing with the likes of Bill Conlin and Mike Lupica. He is the author of the acclaimed “Five People You Meet in Heaven.” He tells Walters, "There's one thing I would say about heaven. If you believe that there's a heaven, your life here on Earth here is different. You may believe that you're going to see your loved ones again. So the grief that you had after they're gone isn't as strong. You may believe that you'll have to answer for your actions. So the way you behave here on Earth is changed. So in a certain way, just believing in the idea of heaven is heavenly in and of itself," he said. This is the first time I can actually say that I agree with something this guy has said. One of the best comments of the program and it came from a sports guy.



















Ok, Ok, I won’t rant anymore about religion. Except for the religion that is fantasy football. Each Sabbath, I partake in the last bastion of hope that soon will end and I once again will slink into the shadows only to emerge for My beloved baseball season, to be tormented by my Phillies once again.


























This is it. The Superbowl for fantasy sports. We have come along way from week 1. Was it me or are the injuries in football growing from year to year? Or maybe the players are just becoming more like pussies instead of football players. The Professor shall take you down the path of illumination and I instruct you to choose wisely for this could mean the difference between 1st place and the 1st loser in your league.











Saturday, December 24

NYG @ WAS 1:00pm
Tiki is carrying this team right now as the great passing game from early in the year is only doing ok. Washington took it to the 'Boys last week much like the Giants spanked them a few weeks back. The 'Skins will be looking to exact a bit of revenge, but it won’t happen.

Eli Manning – I wouldn’t expect a lot out of him this game. The redskins need this game more than the Giants and it should be a close defensive battle.
Tiki Barber – The Redskins are an overrated run defense giving up more on the ground than you would expect. Tiki will continue to stay hot.
Jeremy Shockey – Has played despite the disappearance it seems of Plaxico “fucking cost me a game last week” Burress.

Mark Brunell – I wouldn’t start him this week. Sacks aplenty.
Santana Moss – He has lost a little steam from the beginning of the year, but is still a good play as a number two WR.
Clinton Portis – I don’t know how much he will play this week. I guess it depends on the score. Have Ladell Betts ready if you can.
Chris Cooley – This almost killed me last week by not starting him against Noodle, thankfully I still won.
I am starting him this week, but I don’t see him putting up the same numbers.

DAL @ CAR 1:00pm
Can Parcells motivate this team after an embarrassment? Sure, why not? Carolina is not as good as some people think. Once you get past Smith, there is really nothing to get excited about. Does anyone else think that Jack Del Rio is a blowhard?

Drew Bledsoe – It sure is nice to see Bledsoe and Parcells choke together.
RBBC – stay away, stay away
Jason Witten – Too bad Vinny isn’t here to pad Jason’s stats.

Jake Delhomme – He is more like Delhommo with the way he flings his arm.
Steve Smith – Comeback player of the year, definitely. MVP, maybe.
De’Shaun Foster – He reminds me of Michael Bennett. So much potential, so little production.

ATL @ TB 1:00pm
Watching that game last week, Vick really had no chance against the Bears. That D is ferocious. Tampa walked into a growing monster in New England and, just as I predicted, Chris Simms couldn’t figure out what they were throwing at him.

Michael Vick – Historically, has played poorly at Tampa but, for some reason, I like Vick this week.
Warrick Dunn – He loves to burn his old team and I actually think he will score this week.
Alge Crumpler – I have said it before and I’ll say it again, this guy would be special with a QB who could hit the target on a consistent basis and spot him in the open field.

Chris Simms – He had his worst fantasy game of the season the last time these two teams met. I don’t see him doing much better, especially with that injured thumb.
Cadillac Williams – 100 yards and a score are likely.
Joey Galloway – Only two times this season has Joey been held without a catch and only once with Simms. It was against the Falcons. He has put up a couple stinkers in a row and is playing at home this week, but don’t expect much.

SF @ STL 1:00pm
If St Louis cannot beat the Eagles minus their whole team, then anyone can beat them. The Niner’s defense looked alright last week against the Jags.

Ryan Fitzpatrick – Strictly a backup, but may perform against the Niners.
Torry Holt – A must start in Fantasy Bowls everywhere.
Marshall Faulk – If Jackson cannot go, then he makes a great one week fill, even if it is the most important one week of the year.

Frank Gore – If he is healthy enough and Barlow is out, he makes a great play this week against an awful run defense.

TEN @ MIA 1:00pm
Tennessee almost pulled off an upset last week, but Seattle was too much for them. Miami has won four in a row including a win at San Diego, not bad.

Steve McNair – Don’t be fooled by the performance last week. He has only done well against poor defenses or teams that are looking ahead to the Colts.
Drew Bennett – He has always come through for the Fantasy playoffs and could get a score this week too.

Gus Frerotte – With 4 touchdowns and 1 interception in his last 4 games (all wins). He makes for a sneaky play this week for those of you in a bind.
Ricky Williams – Depending on the injury to Ronnie, Ricky could do well this week. Seriously. I’m not joking. What do you mean, go smoke the bong?
Chris Chambers – He has 3 td’s in his last two games. He is officially on fire.
Randy McMichael – I am starting him this week, which means he won’t do shit.

DET @ NO 1:00pm
I think both of these teams should meet up before the game and go out and have some beers. Then take Haslett and Millen and beat the crap out of them. That’s the Christmas (er, I mean Holiday) spirit.

Roy Williams – Start him if you need a third WR.

Donte Stallworth – He usually does well when the game means nothing.

BUF @ CIN 1:00pm
Cincinnati is once again on a roll after demolishing the Lions (real difficult, huh). Cincinnati can’t sit people because they are still trying to lock up the division and this week’s loser is Buffalo. The Bengals better be careful though. Aside from the New England game, the Bills have played some good teams close. (Denver, Carolina, even at Miami)

Kelly Holcomb – I like him way better than Loseman, but who doesn’t.
Eric Moulds – He likes Holcomb way better than Loseman too.
Willis McGahee – Non-existent

Carson Palmer – the best fantasy QB this year. Yet another reason that you shouldn’t draft a QB in the first round. Next season let the Bryan Lambs of the world take Carson in the first round and you can get a returning from injury Bulger in the 6th or 7th.
Rudi Johnson – 1300 yards and 12 Td’s. That is good for 5th in the league. It’s more than Tomlinson, Portis, McGahee, Jordan, Jackson, Jamal Lewis, Dillon, and Kevin Jones. Not bad for a third round pick in most leagues.
Chad Johnson – Star only getting brighter. I gotta wear shades.

JAC @ HOU 1:00pm
I hope the Garrard bus slowed down a bit after last week. He couldn’t put away the 49ers. That says it all. He gets another shot against the lowly Texans who btw would only tank games in order to trade the #1 pick for multiple picks. Reggie Bush is not going to fix this team.

David Garrard – He is only worth starting if a. You have nobody else b. He is playing the Texans, c. You have nobody else.

Jonathan Wells – Gore looked good last week running against this defense which shocked the hell out of me. Maybe Wells can do the same. Nahhhh.
Andre Johnson – He has missed five games this year and is still the leading receiver on this team. Pretty pathetic.

PIT @ CLE 1:00pm
After losing a few games, Pittsburgh got back to their bread and butter. Facing a team that gives up yards solely to the run, they should have little impedance. Cleveland is riding their young QB - I said QB Michael Jackson, not baby- which means they have some rough times ahead. Being that this is a divisional game and on the road for Pitt I am thinking this game will be a good ole fashioned knuckle buster.

Jerome Bettis – He is the only running back on the roster worth a start in any league.
Hines Ward – If he was on almost any other team. He would put up Harrison like numbers. Cleveland is not that bad against the pass, so don’t be traumatized if he doesn’t put up stellar numbers this week.

Antonio Bryant – He is the go-to guy for Frye.
Reuben Droughns – He is not very good and will show why this week.

SD @ KC 1:00pm
San Diego did the impossible last week in beating the Colts. Sorry, Noodle. Kansas City has lost 2 games in a row and looked out of sync against the Giants. San Diego gave everything they had vs. the Colts and will undoubtedly have a letdown this week at Kansas City where they have only won once since 1997.

LT – Will he play? That is the question around the leagues. A lot of high flying teams that have ridden this horse all year are scrambling like Randall Cunningham on gameday. He is a gamer and will give it his best, which if anyone recalls the fake injury king Emmit Smith means he’ll do alright.
Antonio Gates – He needs nine receptions in each of the final two games to reach 100 rec. on the year. Does anyone remember that he didn’t play in the first game?

Trent Green – Normally a fantasy playoff monster, I see Trent having a great game this week as San Diego gears up to stop the LJ Train.
LJ – San Diego has the best run defense in the league. IT doesn’t matter against this stud.
Tony Gonzalez – After starting the season averaging 7 points a game over the first 6 contests, he has averaged about 14 points per game since.

PHI @ ARI 4:05 pm
The Eagles got an elusive victory last week. Big fucking deal. I am looking to next season baby. I was planning on going to this game being that it was the closest Philly game to me this year, but a Christmas eve game that is meaningless, I’ll pass on the road trip to AZ. Arizona is awful. Plain and simple.

Ryan Moats – Watch he’ll break another long one this week. Arizona is prone to that.

Josh McCown – There will be plenty of passing in this game and Boldin and Fitzgerald will feast as usual.

IND @ SEA 4:15pm
Indy went down last week when it looked as though they would pull it out. Goodbye, undefeated season. Seattle almost lost to Tennessee. This is supposed to be a preview of Superbowl X-TRA Large. If that comes to fruition, this game will look nothing like the Superbowl game.

All Indy Starters – Tony Dungy says that he will treat this game like a preseason game. I don’t know how much of this is true, but it definitely calls for caution. If you are a gamer then you planned for this instance since early in the year.
Brandon Stokely – He will play the whole game and could wind up with the best stats.

Matt Hasselback – After burning me last year, he has thrown at least one TD in every game, but one this year. This includes 10 TD’s in his last 4 games.
SA – He is still pissed about the rushing title from last season and also wants the TD record. SA owners are safe.
Darrell Jackson – He looked like he was back last week, but the Titans are not the Colts. They are not even the Colt’s backups.

OAK @ DEN 4:15pm
Oakland lost to the Browns at Home. How do you not throw to Moss more? Its’ just mind-boggling. Denver is still, in my mind, the only team that can take out Indy in the playoffs.

Kerry Collins – HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
Randy Moss – I know he has stunk it up, but how can you sit a first rounder? Live by the sword, die by the sword.
Lamont Jordan – It doesn’t look good that he’ll play.

Jake Plummer – The fact that he will probably throw for single-digit interceptions is astonishing to me. I know his TD’s are down, but he has finally matured. No more left handed wobblers to the opponent. Congratulations Jake.
Mike Anderson – He needs 32 yards for 1000 on the season. He gets the most carries.
Tatem Bell – He plays much better at home. Get this, He only averages 8 less yards per game than Mike and has 90 less carries on the season. He averages almost 6 yards per carry.
Rod Smith – Every year people doubt Rod and every year he makes them pay. Another 1000 yard season in the books.

Sunday, December 25

CHI @ GB 5:00pm
Chicago used their swarming defense to shut down the Falcons in the frigid temperatures of home last week and they will shut down the Packers who are now using their ninth different running back this year in Noah Herron.

Rex Grossman – The offense looks much better than it did with Kyle Orton. Rosie O’Donnell would look much better with that offense that Kyle Orton.
Thomas Jones – For a guy that was supposed to be unseated this year by the vaunted Cedric Benson, he has proved that he can play with the big boys. He is a great play this week.
Chicago’s Defense – Did you see that Monday Night Game for Baltimore’s Defense. Exactly.

Brett Favre – I will remember the great things you did, but I will also remember what a horrible finale you had for your career. He might come back just to finish better than this.
Donald Driver – He elevated his play early on, but since has seemed to write off this season since week 12.

MIN @ BAL 8:30pm
Minnesota had their win streak snapped by Pittsburgh. They needed that game for, now, they must go into Baltimore and get a win to have a chance at the post season. Baltimore romped GB on Monday night and they look to have a rhythm. It’s obviously too late for that.

Brad Johnson – He will post similar numbers that Favre had. Basically worthless.
Michael Bennett – Gado looked good until he got hurt. Bennett is speedy but not elusive.

Kyle Boller – He had his best passing day ever as a pro in primetime. Maybe he showed that he can be an NFL QB. I mean it only took Jake Plummer 8 years.
Jamal Lewis – Just when you are compiling your complete busts of the season, Jamal busts out in an extremely crucial week of fantasy football. Those who kept the faith or were just lucky enough to start him were rewarded handsomely.
Todd Heap – Monday night was a Dream for Heap owners. I am still astonished at those numbers. Minnesota is prone to TE scores, so start him this week with confidence.

Monday, December 26

NE @ NYJ 9:00pm
New England is rolling at the right time, Correction, steamrolling. They are all of a sudden contenders again. The Jets only thing to play for is to stay out of last place.

Tom Brady – He has shown recently why he has been one of the most consistent fantasy performers throughout his young career.
Corey Dillon – He has scored in three straight games and will score again this week for sure.

Laveranues Coles – He does not have the fire this year, or the quarterback, or the offense, or the coach. Shall I continue?
Cedric Houston – Will the return of Blaylock take carries away from Houston? Will it matter with the way New England is playing defense right now?

Top QB’s for Week 16

1. Carson Palmer
2. Tom Brady
3. Trent Green
4. Jake Plummer
5. Matt Hasselback
6. Eli Manning
7. Drew Brees
8. Jake Delhomme
9. Peyton Manning
10. David Garrard

Top RB’s for Week 16

1. Larry Johnson
2. Shaun Alexander
3. LaDanian Tomlinson
4. Rudi Johnson
5. Tiki Barber
6. Thomas Jones
7. Corey Dillon
8. Mike Anderson
9. Warrick Dunn
10. Cadillac Williams

Top WR’s for Week 16

1. Torry Holt
2. Steve Smith
3. Chad Johnson
4. Anquan Boldin
5. Reggie Wayne
6. Hines Ward
7. Chris Chambers
8. Larry Fitzgerald
9. Plaxico Burress
10. TJ Houshmanzadeh

Sleeper of the Week – Frank Gore

Gore took full advantage of being the starter last week. He performed very well against a tough Jags defense. He racked up 136 yards on 22 touches. This week he gets the creampuff Rams and is a sneaky play for those in desperate need of a starter. I expect Barlow to be elsewhere next season or relegated to the bench. In any case, Gore will get his chance to shine over the final two weeks.

Bust of the Week – Donald Driver

Driver started the season strong and seemed to connect with Favre. Over the past several weeks, Driver has been almost a no show. The Bears are stingy when it comes to pass defense and Urlacher is playing like a man possessed. If you have another option, I would go elsewhere. It is decisions like these that can win or lose your fantasy bowl.


So there you have it. Good luck to all who will be watching this week's games like mental patients. Try not to throw anything or yell too loud. At least that's what they told me in anger management. Just remember one important rule, Always go with your gut and don't look back.

By The Numbers - Week 15

It’s time for a look at the fantasy numbers for week 15. For true believers, three Redskins delivered big in the fantasy and reality worlds. Cowboy lover? Maybe next year … now which rookie receiver will make his mark on fantasy history this week?

Hail to the Playoffs

Mark Brunell put together the best QB performance of the week (4 TDs, 163 mistake-free passing yards) and rewarded his owners with 27 fantasy points. To sleep, perchance to dream … of the playoffs! Playoffs?

Of course, someone had to be on the receiving end of Brunell’s magic, and this week’s lucky winner was Chris Cooley. This combination RB/TE pulled in three of Mark’s missives for TDs, totaling 71 receiving yards and 21 fantasy points. Yes, I did start him at TE in Fanball’s BTE!

Finally, there’s the Washington defense. With 7 sacks, 4 turnovers and only 7 points allowed, Griffin, Daniels and company rewarded fantasy starters with 19 fantasy points.

For honorable mention, we can throw in Tiki Barber (24 fantasy points) and the Ravens defense (26 fantasy points). But hey, it’s my column, so we’ll talk about my Redskins!

Awww Hail

Let’s see, three INTs and a fumble recovery for the Redskins defense, who was so generous with his gift-giving? Ah yes, it was Boo-hoo Bledsoe who rewarded his owners with 1 fantasy point, though that was a late-gift from the Redskins on a cheapo TD …. Grrr.

For real stinko fantasy performances, how about Brett Favre & Aaron Rodgers? Between the two of them, they made every Packer fan cringe in embarrassment with their 209 combined passing yards, three picks and two fumbles. Not that anyone started both QBs, but negative 7 fantasy points between them? Favre owners should be thankful for Sherman’s mercy killing …

Speaking of dishonorable mention, it looks like we have four RBs in a pie this week. Taking advantage of their limited opportunities, Ciatrick Fason, Dominic Rhodes, Hedley Lamar Gordon and Obafemi Ayanbadejo each managed a fumble combined with zero or negligible yards for negative two fantasy points. For those of you thinking about slipping in Rhodes for your fantasy championship sleeper … don’t do it!

This Week in Fantasy History

This week, we take a look at a memorable week 16 performance by a now ancient wide receiver.

In 1996, rookie Eddie Kennison had a career day in the St. Louis Rams 34-27 victory over the Atlanta Falcons. With 226 yards receiving and three TDs on only 5 catches, Kennison racked up a total of 29 fantasy points. Hard to believe the old man has been around that long … hope his current owners aren’t expecting anything similar this weekend. After all, he doesn’t have Tony Banks throwing the football to him now, does he?

BTW - Merry Christmas to all of you!!!

NUFCED by wikkidpissah

HOHOHO!!!

The Gods of Fantasy Football have a strange sense of humor. Little did any of us realize as we were sending in our paypal invoices, making our lists & checking them twice, drafting players both naughty & nice, trading with those sleeping, avoiding those awake, doing everything we could to get good for goodness sake, that the season’s most important day would fall on the most sacred, for both devout & profane, occasion of the year. Got a little taste last night of how corrupt sweating FFB results during important occasions can be.

The maternal side of my family is very showbusy. Of the six in my generation, five have been in da biz at one point or another. The most successful of these are my cousins Rob & Kathleen Marshall, both choreographers who have become directors. Between them they’ve done a number of musicals for television (Cinderella, Mrs. Claus, Annie, Music Man) and Robbie has directed the movie version of “Chicago” & has his first non-musical film, “Memoirs of a Geisha” opening wide this week (bring a friend). In what amounts to a heavy week for the family, Kathleen had her latest effort, “Once Upon A Mattress”, premiering on ABC last night. It has become a tradition with a group of my friends (family’s all back east) to get together to watch their stuff. But I’ve got the fruits of my abiding passion to sweat.

Not a very good year for that fruit, though. Due to juggling eleven different franchises, as well as to a number of theories that were just flat wrong, I was eliminated from both my $$$ leagues before this week. All I had left of money leagues was my $20 keeper, which I’m dominating like Kramer in the dojo, and the only $ league I joined with Fanballers, Kill’s $50 keeper. I caught the last playoff spot with a 6-7 record due to Antsports’ odd scoring system. Made it to the semis and, due to the miracles Chris Cooley kept pulling outta his ass, went into the Sunday night game with a lead, Longspurtz needing 5-60-1 outta Alge Crumpler to beat me. But I gotta go to this thing – what’s a mofo to do?!

Now, I love my cousin Kathleen, but this was the most kidcentric of her works, and I’d have been nodding off if I wasn’t jonesin’ to set up my laptop during the thing in a way I haven’t jones’d anything since I used to excuse myself in the most inane & creative ways during my substance-abuse days. Then, the president interrupts the show with his speech & I just wanna run into the bathroom for a pop of results. I was able to switch over to ESPN to see the score, anyways, but that was it. When “Mattress” ended, just enough of the guests left to make sweating the rest of SNF socially acceptable & I enjoyed the final quarter of the most improbable of all my victories. Apologies to my hostess, but it’s the only addiction I have left.

Just wait, all of you - those fortunate enough to have reached their championships will have it even worse next Sunday. God bless us, every one.

Let’s look at the games. I’m gonna skip the Saturday games, cuz I been running around & they’re no longer fresh in my mind. Will mention, though, that the Pats game was one of the best betting plays in sports – NFL team, 3rd consecutive road game (TB). Niners’ have the same situation this week upcoming. G’ahead – pay for all the presents.

SD 26 IND 17
Ding, dong, the streak is dead. Cracked me up that Bob Griese actually hadda call a press conference to deny that he & his ‘72 Dolphin buds wildly celebrated the perpetuation of their singularly immortal status...the Chargers’ victory was all the more amazing in light of how sore & reluctant LT2 was. All day, he ran like he was worried about fumbling – can’t see that changing next week...Week 15’s a bad one for PMan, I guess – he stunk it up then against the Crows last year...A window into how to beat the Colts showed itself, and it lies much in the way the Pats beat the Rams in their 1st SB win – contact, and lots of it.

JAX 10 SF 9
Dead horse of the week: DGarrard is a TERRIBLE QB. One completion of more than ten yards in the 1st half against the worst pass D I’ve ever seen. In fact, in his 4 1st halves (and against such stalwart competition as SF, Az, Cle Indy), he’s averaging 77 yards, barely completing 50%, with less than a third of his comps over 10 yds...Even Alex Smith could have done better at the Jags helm. Eeeyeeeeewww!!!

HOU 30 AZ 17
Well, at least we’ll have something to sweat on wk 17, now....the BUSH BOWL!!! They really should move it to MNF, considering what they’re playing for...JWells singlehandedly beat me in the Egern Ojne league. Props, Gnomito!...Is Brayanquan Lamboldin a restricted free agent in the offseason? Non-1st rders usually are after year 3, aren’t they? If that’s the case, the Eagles oughta hone in on this beast, no matter the cost. He’s TO without the maxipads.

PHIL 17 STL 16
Well, the Haaahvid boy devolved bigtime today...Even though I needed SJax to build upon his 80-yd 1st half, it was nice to see that old Faulkin’ guy racking up some yards here...How can Moats be sooo like Westboogie, yet da Iggles fail to throw him a single pass AGAIN (they've yet to target him this season)?!

SEA 28 TEN 24
Good thing for the Hawks that they’re locking up home field for the playoffs – they’re still a highly questionable road team...Have I mentioned that Seattle has my favorite football fans? I used to go up there from Reno once a year to see a game with my wife’s best friend & her hubby. Bad as their teams were, Seattlites started vibrating with anticipation on THURSDAY of home-game weeks. So happy they have a shot to go somewhere this season...Somebody told big DrewB-DrewB-Drew that it was FFB playoff time again.

CAR 27 NO 10
Didn’t think the Aints offense could look worse than during ABrooks sleepwalking performance on MNF, but they managed to find a way. If they kept Bouman at the helm in ’06, they would be reTodded...Was that some sick air Smitty got on that end-around or what?!

PGH 18 MIN 3
The Love Boat Curse re-rears (world’s gayest word) its ugly head. Vikes played as bad as a team at home off a 5-game win streak could...Steelers have gone back to kickin-ass-and-takin-names. They are what the Bears think THEY are.

MIA 24 NYJ 20
The IMMORTAL SAGE strikes again – how ’bout a start against the Titans for him now, Lou-Lou?...Jets suck but, unlike so many other bad franchises, they aren’t rolling over. I like this Houston kid, too.

CLE 9 OAK 7
After 14 games, Wandy Moss has finally tied what TO totalled in seven in Yahoo points. Wanna call it a draw, Lumberjunk?...It took Fryebaby a few quarters to develop the same relationship with Bryant that he had with Edwards, but they finally got it rolling. Gotta love a kid with a nice tight learning curve like that.

WASH 35 DAL 7
Holy crap, what an ass-whuppin! Mama said there’d be days like these, there’d be days like these, my mama said. Definitely owe Cooley-o a coupla rounds off this game. Santana was givin me a heart-attack with his close-but-no-cigar act, but the HBack brought it home...Both teams left their starters in waaay too long and it cost each of them an important o-lineman & Washington came thiiis close to losing Clintoris, too.

CHI 16 ATL 3
From what I saw and heard, Urlacher had the defensive game of the year, simultaneously knocking Crump off his routes, reading Vick (as short a book as that’s become), containing Vick & pounding the RBs...One positive to Orton’s performance – for once, Dubya wasn’t the most incompetent person on TV during his speech. Have you ever seen such a night & day contrast with a change of QBs?

Lalala...Il est nee, le divine enfant....a lovely Festivus to you all. To quote my favorite ecclesiastical philosophers, The Victoria’s Secret models, may you get everything you want and nothing you need. Play hard -

On The Hash... Marks (by Creek)

This week I bring you a slightly condensed version of ONTM. I was originally planning to do all my bowl game predictions now, but I realized that they're only playing the shit games this week, and everyone will have forgotten about my picks come THE REAL bowl games. So instead, this week you get the shit-game predictions. Don't worry though, next week is the "SUPER FANTABULOUS MAJOR BOWL GAMES PREDICTIONS" column!!!! Anywhooo, on to the games:


The New Orleans "....err not really, but we have to carry on like Katrina never happened, right? Yeah, that'll show those damn terrorist" Bowl: Southern Miss -17 Arkansas St.

They should really find a better way to kick off the bowl season, doncha think? Isn't Southern Miss always in this bowl? And where's North Texas? Never seen Alabama St. play (shocking, I know)... actually, I didn't know they even existed until a couple weeks ago. On the other hand, I do know who Dustin Almond is, and he's one tough S.O.B. Really wish I had some analysis for this game, but instead I'm going to let my buddy, and ABC Sports college football analyst Aaron Taylor tell you about this game.

Aaron Taylor: "You see folks, the key to this game, is who scores the most points on offense, defense, and special teams. I really see the amount of points scored in this game playing a big factor. Bottom line: the team with the more points at the end of the game will be the team that wins. Back to you, Creek." *smiles......holds it..... holds it...... still holding....looks ridiculous....still smiling......*

Thanks Aaron. You heard him, fellas. It's going to come down to points. And I'll take Southern Miss.

S.Miss 29 ARK ST. 10


The GMAC "too lazy to spell out words" Bowl: Toledo -3 UTEP

Let's go over the top 5 reasons why UTEP won't win this game:

5. UTEP is coming off 2 losses, one of which was to SMU.

4. UTEP has more giveaways than FEMA.

3. MAC QB's don't lose bowl games there senior years. I don't have anything to back this up, it just seems that way, doesn't it?

2. Bruce Gradkowski will be sending hookers and Rick Reilly to Mike Price's hotel room the night before.

1. Mike Price jokes are still funny.

Toledo 33 UTEP 26


The Las Vegas "should we really be bringing all these college kids here...especially the mormon ones?" Bowl: California -5.5 BYU

BYU is in trouble, because they can't play defense. Apparently, that's a big part of football or something. Cal just happens to have one of the top rushing attacks in the nation, that includes maybe the best O-line. BYU's defense will have fits trying to read what Cal is doing. Speaking of reading, have you checked out this book? It's called the book of mormon, from the church of Jesus Christ of latter day saints, and let me say that it is just fantastic. If you're going to read one book about man's sorry attempts to understand the mysteries of life and the universe, make it this one.

Cal 27 BYU 16


The Poinsettia "am I being punked?" Bowl: Navy (No line) Colorado St.

No way in hell can Colorado St. stop the triple option. Will be nice to finally see Justin Holland in action. He was doing real well for a while there, but the shit hit the fan a few weeks ago with all the INT's. Should be interesting to see how he plays knowing he's got a lot of money on the line. But again, in honor of Jimed, I'm going with the naval academy. However, just for good luck:




In the navy
Yes, you can sail the seven seas
In the navy
Yes, you can put your mind at ease
In the navy
Come on now, people, make a stand
In the navy, in the navy
Can't you see we need a hand
In the navy
Come on, protect the mother land
In the navy
Come on and join your fellow man
In the navy
Come on people, and make a stand
In the navy, in the navy, in the navy (in the navy)

They want you, they want you
They want you as a new recruit

C'mon people, you know the words!

Navy 31 CSU 20


The Fort Worth "everyone in this state needs braces" Bowl: Houston +1.5 Kansas

Kansas proves once again that it doesn't matter if you schedule St. Mary's School for the Blind on your non-conference schedule, as long as you have 6 wins, you got a shot. A below .500 team in conference play (3-5) schedules a couple of creampuffs (FAU, App St.) to start the year, so they get to make a bowl. Another brilliant plan from the fat/devious mind of Mark Mangino. KU has had trouble against teams that can throw, and that's exactly what the Coug's can do.

Houston 28 KU 17


The Hawaii "wait, where's Hawaii?!" Bowl: UCF -1.5 Nevada

T'was the night before Christmas, and all through the island
Not a creature was stirring, not even the lineman.
The playbooks had been studied by the QB's with care
In hopes that when they threw it, a wide receiver would be there.

The players were nestled all snug in their beds
With visions of endzone dances in their head.
Little did Nevada know, they were in for a trap
As UCF wasn't ready for a long winter's nap.

During the game, there arose such a clatter
That the players had to be seperated, due to all the offensive chatter.
A punch was thrown in what looked like a flash
And the player's lip was torn open from the force of the bash.

After an ejection, the game was a go
And the Wolfpack continued to be terrible, one might even say, "blow".
As they looked on, the coaches began to fear
That they had as much chance to win as Hell had at getting a reindeer.

UCF's running back was so lively and quick
That the other team would grab for his jersey, and be left holding their dick.
It really wasn't fair, the Golden Knights owned the game
Their players were more talented, maybe you know them by name:

Now Moffet, now Smith
Now Marshall, and Walker.
On Johnson, on Wilcox
On Burnett, and Venson!
They were the best on the field
From pylon to pylon
Name the 5 greatest rappers of all time: Dylan, Dylan, Dylan, Dylan, and Dylan.

Just as Nevada thought they were catching up, UCF took to the sky
Showing that the 'Pack's shakey pass defense wasn't enough to squeak by.
So to the endzone they went, it was nothing new
At one point UCF was up so much, they even played their jew.

Their potential had no ceiling, not even a roof
So much scoring hadn't been seen since a late night party with the brothers Maloof.
So I went to look in the kitchen, looking for some food that might be around
However I returned in time to see the Knighs score another touchdown.

All Nevada fans had truely opened their mouths, to insert a foot
Which is disgusting, when you think about where else it may have been put.
I refocused my attention just in time to see the Wolfpack QB dropping back
Then going down hard, for the games 4th sack.

Central Florida's play made their Christmas truely merry
While Nevada's was more disappointing than the plummeting career of Luke Perry.
Grabbing the remote, I checked to see if their were any other decent shows
But it was all lame-ass puppet movies, about a reindeer, and his stupid nose.
So back to the game I went, gritting my teeth
Because it's tough to watch a team get buried 6ft underneath.
At this point, UCF was just trying to keep people healthy
I hadn't lost intrest in anything this quickly, since the last album of Nelly's.

But it was not to be, as their was a terrible injury that put a player "on the shelf"
All I could think about, was how lucky I am it didn't happen to myself.
Still I sat their, just shaking my head
Knowing it would be much more amusing, if he would have ended up dead.

The end was approaching, and the UCF fans were ready to go bezerk
When the whistle blew on the game, I got out of my chair with a perk.
For it was finally over, and I realized as I arose
That I hadn't seen anything that terrible since "The Exorcism of Emily Rose."

To bed I went, without as much as a whistle
Passing by the window, I heard what sounded much like a missle.
The big guy it was, ol' Santa Claus in plain sight
So I got my gun, and shot him in the ass, the cheek on the right.
And as his bloody carcass fell I shouted "Merry Christmas to all, now go fly a kite!"

UCF 33 Nevada 17