Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Archer's Bulls Eye Week #4

This is what happens when you drop out of proctology school.

Super Mario Donkey Kong’s Phins

Kube has #1 under his belt…. Finally. It was nothing fantastic but when you’re the ugly red-headed step sister, you don’t get too many calls for Friday night. So you take it when you can get it.

When the Texans can brag about putting pressure on the QB all day…. You really have to wonder about your O-line. There was so much confidence in Culpepper that when the chips were down and they had to go for two just to tie the game they called for a passing attempt with Ronnie Brown on the throwing end instead of the receiving end. Doh!

What were you guys thinking!!

With friends like that…. Who needs enemies?

After being the key block to spring Foster loose into the secondary for a rendezvous with the goal line, Keyshawn Johnson thwacked Deshaun in the back of the head pretty good…. All in good fun and celebrating the moment, but geez!! Take it easy KJ, you’ve been there before.

On the following possession the Saints made it interesting with a 86 yard romp by the rookie WR Colston, who is this year’s Antonio Gates…. On speed. The Cinderella Saints were due a loss, but they didn’t play flat or play like they had an emotional letdown after last week’s homecoming. I can hear it coming…..

Who Dey?

Time Management Skills....

If the Vikings had any decent WR’s with 2:00 minute time management skills, this game could have had a much different outcome. When you don’t have any time outs left the last place you need to be is in the middle of the field. Especially when your QB needs a walker just to get up to the line of scrimmage, no way could he get the ball and spike it with less than 8 seconds left. They call him BJ because he has no teeth left and gives a mean knob-slobber…. he has Alzheimer’s so it’s not like he’ll remember anything in the morning.

Losman pitched an error-free game… give him a gold star and the handicap parking space at Orchard Park stadium for the week. It’s doubtful this becomes a weekly habit, but every dog has his day.

The Leapin’ o’ Heap Make the Bolts Weep....

The Dirty Birds are 4-0 for the first time in franchise history… and I think that includes their days in Cleveland so that goes way back to Pterodactyl days. All this club needed was a captain at the helm, which McNair brings along with his Super Bowl and MVP experience, and he must have some luck o’ the Irish that rubbed off with the name. He is certainly practicing the Taoist philosophy of football….. accomplishing more by doing less. Whatever it is… it’s working.

The Chargers would have lost anyway, but what was the idea behind giving a safety away? Was it a 1/3 off FG’s “The manager has gone crazy” Sale? How long has it been since LT was shut out of the end zone? Rivers just doesn’t have the experience or respect to keep defenses like the Ravens from stacking the box. That should change in a few years…. And probably after a few more lessons in losing for Philip.

Cardinals Avoid Collapse, Clinch Division Crown ...

How’d that baseball headline get in here?

It would appear that the days of Warner are numbered, no matter how much denial the press is hearing from him and Green. Reason: SpongeBob Squarepants O-line + Matchstick Man = *snap*

Judging from the sneak previews, Leinart won’t be much better…. And this probably spells the end to the Fitzgerald and Boldin Salad Days. They were fun while they lasted.

Somebody put the APB out on Warrick Dunn…. He’s disappeared again. Jerious Norwood owners are delirious with visions of fantasy plundering (just like Duckett owners last year…. And the year before.) Contain the enthusiasm boys, it’s the same song, just a new vocalist singing the song.

I See Dead People…

Watching the Jets game I had visions of Emerson Boozer wearing the Kelly Green #20 pounding his way into the end zone when Broadway Joe couldn’t find Maynard for six. Barlow almost looked like a franchise running back while he had the opportunity. Like maybe he had some ounce of pride left and was tired of being the “invisible” one on the Jets RB staff….. THE JETS!!! You have to be pretty damn invisible to be looked over in the Meadowlands these days.

I want to know why Manning is acting like a first year QB all of a sudden and not paying any attention to his WR’s near the end zone…. Only TE’s are scoring. Harrison has yet to score a TD this year!!

I’m hurt! Probably more than Marvin is… but I’m a selfish fantasy owner just looking for a fix. A little Starvin’ Marvin Methadone…. I got the shakes!

File under: What the Hell Were You Thinking?!

The weekly drama that has defined TO’s career much more than any of his actual on-field talent, has opened up the press feeding frenzy in yet another soap opera. In this instance, I actually believe TO…. There is no way he would be contemplating suicide right now. He gets way too much attention. He won’t try the suicide ploy until the attention dries up and he’s just another crippled NFL has-been, who has to open up a restaurant just to have something to do and a measly income. Attention Whores who are getting attention have no reason to end the ride. Now being stupid enough to take a bunch of pain pills and hit the bong or have one too many snifters of Courvoisier…. That makes perfect since for TO

Not to be outdone…. Albert Haynesworth put his foot in a $500,000 and 5 week suspension “stinkhole”. Don’t tell me you were “not” playing dirty!! If Albert doesn’t get chop blocked into a ACL season ending injury within 2 weeks of returning from his suspension…. I will be very surprised.

You crossed the line son!!

The Chiefs Scalped the 49ers…(Is that culturally insensitive or what)?

The return of Trent Green to the sidelines must have been a major confidence boost for Huard, because he looked like a damn good quarterback out there Sunday….. even threw a TD pass to Kennison, This smacks of Seinfeld’s Bizarro World. Huard is just Bizarro Green.

What happened to Alex Smith? I haven’t seen anything go South faster than that since I dated a 300 pound woman who hadn’t seen male genitalia for at least a decade. The Chiefs D has another easy lay when they go visit the Cards next week. If I was hurtin’ at D … I’d grab the Chiefs. *ssh* Keep that on the down low.

What Would Walt Disney Do With The Greatest Show On Turf...

Chip: Thank you so much for the ball in scoring position again
Dale: You are more than welcome, kind sir
Chip: Why don’t you score a touchdown first
Dale: No… you…. I insist
Chip: Don’t mind if I do. Are you always this good to your guests?
Dale: Oh Chip, I do believe you’ve made me blush!
Chip: While you’re blushing, do you mind if I kick another 40+ yard field goal?
Dale: By all means… if you have the leg for it.
Chip: Indubitably!!

Santana Got a Wicked Spin Move!

Deion Grant was left hugging nothing but air…. And Moss went to the house. One of three visits for Moss, the last one was the game ender in over time. Considering this was billed as a defensive slugfest that would barely light up the scoreboard…. I’d say this game was the surprise of the day.

The “Jacked Up” shot of the day for my money was the helmet popping that Reggie Williams took at the hands of Sean Taylor in the 4th. Shaking his Huggy Bear ‘fro like a madman ready for another hit…. Was my laugh for the day. The guy has guts to go over the middle and take a shot like that.

I Found the Dinkins….. Where are the Donuts?

Frye didn’t start acting like he’d made the flight out to the bay until he found a fantasy worthless TE named Darnell Dinkins on a 3 yard “dunk” pass near the end of the first half. By that point the Raider offense which had put up the “donuts” recently, had made it to the end zone three times already and looked to be in charge of the game…. Even with a wobbly-kneed rookie QB barely leading the way.

The Browns first possession of the second half was also aided by excellent field position with another Cribbs’ return. The Raiders D couldn’t keep the Brownies out of the end zone, but the Burgess King showed up and made sure to put Frye on his side a few times.

My Maroney has a First Name…. It’s L-A-U-R-E-N-C-E

The Pats just don’t lose two in a row, no matter how much it looks like they should. And the rookie running back had a game making the Bengals D look like a bunch of clawless kittens.

Dillon got a little taste of sweet revenge when he added six more points to make the dyslexic nightmare score 31-13 early in the 4th and finally nailed the coffin shut on any last minute hopes the Bengals had. But someone needs to give him TD celebration dancing lessons….. or show him the restroom.

We’re On A Mission From Muhammad….

Grossman wasted no time in showing he was a force to be reckoned with when he found Muhsin “The Profit of Midway” Muhammad for six over the middle after already completing 6 of 7 passes in the mid 1st Quarter drive. Seattle had already scored 3, but from the point “Mooshy” scored the Bears never trailed again. The past few weeks King Rex has been strutting his stuff in the air game, but against the unlikely stingy Seahawk defense… the Bears finally got a running game established.

Maybe against a lesser defense the Hasselbeck Four would have been more successful without Alexander…. But not against the Bears. The Hawks just plain stunk … worse than the summer Lake Michigan dead fish smell mixing with the downtown Chicago smog.

*Deep Breathe*

Oh yeah….. that stinks!

Well, If You Don’t Start… Then I Won’t Start Either….

It was pretty much a foregone conclusion that the week after Westbrook made fantasy owners learn algebra just to figure how many points he scored for them…. He would need to rest a week or two. Math is hard!

But what happened to Ahman? Was there some Presidential announcement that this was an official holiday for starting running backs? Morency didn’t look too bad…. And I will go out on a limb and say that Houston got the short stick in that trade. Give it another year.

McNasty took advantage of the fact his main running back was out and Buckhalter was a fumbling idiot…. And just started running the damn ball himself. And since all his WR’s were injured except one… Greg Lewis got 2 TD catches to add to his resume. Sometimes all you have to do is show up and things go your way.

Does Rayner have a clubfoot? 54 yards!! Somebody get that boy a holster for his gun!!

Favre's head "stinger" is going to be a season long ailment. Write this one off.... next week you get to be Chip or Dale, take your pick.

Sagitta Veritas

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