Saturday, November 12, 2005

On The Hash... Marks (By Creek)

No pussy-ass hurricane could keep Creek away for long.

Well, it's been about 3 weeks since I've done one of these, due to various reasons(hurricanes and such), and quite frankly, I don't know how you guys made it without me. Really, what did all 17 of you do after coming home drunk friday night/saturday morning instead of coming to the LOCKERROOM? Masturbate? Build a house of cards? Either way, you missed me, I missed you, and I'm glad to be back.
In the time I've been gone, Michigan has not lost. Wins over Penn State, Iowa, and Northwestern have all occurred, and to be honest, I was scared to come back. But, I figure I should do it before Ohio State, just to be safe. Plus, we can't lose to Indiana no matter how much bad karma I send to Ann Arbor, right?... right?! Ah fuck it, how much difference is there between the Vitalis Sun Bowl, and the Gaylord Hotels Music City Bowl? Although, I would imagine one is slightly more accommodating.

If you're an idiot, and aren't clued into the whole "Lee Corso Is a Penis" thing, well now they have t-shirts. T fuckin' shirts. God Bless America.

Time to play the caption game:

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"I had to do this to pass my midterm!"

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"I am in way over my head here! Umm.... why don't we try another one of them fancy-shmancy shotgun option play?! Yeah, that's the ticket!"

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"You know where all the middle school pussy is around here?"

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"Hehe... We're gay."
"Yeah, real gay."

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"Uh oh... Just shit my pants. Nurse!"

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"Haaaayyy hoooooo, haaayyyyy hoooo. Just the ladies now. Haaaaayyyy hooo..."

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"We're almost as gay as those Oregon State guys!"

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"Am I actually going to throw it?"

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"Nope, Gotcha!"

Now moving on to the heisman race, here's the ol' 5 in '05(You see what I did here? Since it's the year 2005, and I have 5 players on the list, I called it the 5 in '05. Didn't know if some of you had caught on to that yet, but yeah, the chicks dig it):

1. Reggie Bush
The stats- 123car 1022yds 8.3ypc 11TDs / 27rec 311yds 2TDs / 10.1 Punt ret avg TD / 1 assist *wink*
The reason- Best player in college football.
The projection- vs Cal 130 rush yds, 60rec yds 3TDs

2. Vince Young
The stats- 165.2QBRat 62.7comp% 2133yds 18TDs 8INTs / 111rush 778yds 7.0ypc 8TDs
The reason- Gaudy numbers, and the star player on the 2nd best team in the nation. Big play ability is on the same level as Bush.
The projection- vs Kansas 260yds 2TDs / 14car 115yds 2TDs

3. Matt Leinart
The stats- 170.5QBRat 66.8comp% 2771yds 23TDs 6INTs / 3 rush TD
The reason- I don't know why, I just don't like him over Young, or Bush this season... It's probably because he's white.
The projection- vs Cal 280yds 2TDs

4. Brady Quinn
The stats- 162.3QBRat 65.2comp% 2647yds 23TDs 4INTs / 1rush TD / Has a free pass into heaven right next to Joe Montana, Tim Brown, and Mother Teresa. Pat Robertson however, is going straight to hell.
The reason- Plays at Notre Dame, has put up heisman-like numbers, and catholics need someone to look to in this time of doubt, and uncertainty... That has lasted roughly 2,000 years. Yay religion.
The projection- vs Navy 370yds 4TDs

5. Brodie Croyle
The stats- 141.9QBRat 1930yds 12TDs 4INTs / 1 rush TD
The reason- He's the QB for an undefeated team. He's done a good job managing games, and making the throws when they need it. Still, without Prothro, this may be his last week on the list.
The projection- 230yds 1TD

Last- er... 3 weeks ago- 12-8
Overrall- 61-65-3

Louisville -22 Rutgers
Yeah yeah, they played this game already, but I took Louisville. I swear. I even made the point about Louisville being 10-0 in their last 10 home games when they're favored. Fine, don't believe me. I'm taking the point anyway. It's not like the 11 of you who read this ever make it this far in the column anyway.
Louisville 56 Rutgers 5 (teehee!)

Michigan -25 Indiana
Riding the Wolverine winning streak, and banking on the fact Indiana can't stop the run(even more so now, with loss of LB John Pannozzo), I'll take the Wolverines big. Indiana can score, but I just don't see how a team this poor against the run can slow Michigan down. Thank god for ESPN2, or we would never get to see any of these games.
MICH 47 IND 17

Ohio State -18 Northwestern
Sure, Northwestern can beat the Wisconsin's, and Michigan State's of the world. One-dimensional teams, with no defense. But let's see how they do against a team with this kind of talent. Now don't start up all that "they beat them last year" bullshit. Last year, the Wildcats beat a Justin Zwick lead team, in a game where Mike Nugent inexplicably missed a game-winning field goal in overtime. Troy Smith brings a whole new dimension to the team. Plus, someone finally woke up Teddy Ginn.
tOSU 35 NW 14

South Carolina +4.5 Florida
Visor Bowl I. One of the things not a lot of people are talking about, is how good South Carolina's defense is. Other than the obligatory blowouts to Auburn, and Alabama they have been spectacular. Is anyone else expecting Urban Meyers to fail miserably? It just seems like he's always going to shit the bed. In the big games, he seems like he's trying not to lose the game, rather than win it. Especially the Georgia game (and it actually paid off). The Gators success all depends on how Chris Leak throws, and whether or not he can hold up from the beating he takes week to week. I think Spurrier gets the win here, and it makes for one hell of a postgame press conference.
SC 20 UF 14

Notre Dame -23 Navy
The Irish and Midshipmen signed a contract extension to play through 2016. Including, a game in Ireland in 2012. Now maybe it's just me, but I would think sending our naval academy half way around the world to get their ass kicked, doesn't present the strongest front for us. Especially not in 2012 when we will be in firmly entrenched in president Lohan's 3rd war in 5 months. Why not send like Baylor, or Rice over there. Do we really need to make fools of ourselves... again?
ND 48 Navy 7

Texas Tech -23 Oklahoma St.
This is the most talented team Tech has had since the Mike Leach era began, and they still got manhandled by Texas, which says something for the job Mack Brown has done there recruiting and coaching-wise. This week, I would expect Taurean Henderson to have a big week, against OSU's last ranked run defense. Of course, they could go all Philadelphia Eagles on them, and throw it 65 times, and not even bother with using the run to open up the pass. No, I'm not bitter.
TxTech 41 OSU 13

Louisiana State -3 Alabama
I was fine with this pick, until I saw a stat that showed every 13 years, Alabama has an undefeated season. And guess what year this is. And guess how many losses they have. [Carson] That's some weird, wild stuff. [/Carson] I'm sticking with my pick of LSU, because the 'bama offense still hasn't done anything since Prothro went down. I love how the SEC has a big game every week. Most enjoyable conference in football.
LSU 20 Bama 16

Texas -33 Kansas
When Texas beats Kansas by 35+ points, how much worse will Nebraska look by comparison? Will Tom Osborne eventually murder Bill Callahan? Maybe even slash his throat? Now that would be the ultimate irony. That, or if he got run over by a bus while he was out on the west coast. Either way works for me. Maybe even Tom Osborne driving the bus... Yeah, that would be sweet...
Texas 52 K...umm..KNS....KAN.....What's the fuckin' symbol for Kansas? Damn, it's late. Ah, who cares. They won't score much. there.

Iowa +2.5 Wisconsin
You know, I thought about how I could present an argument for Iowa to win this game for 20 minutes, and just said,"fuck it, they'll understand." This is just a gut feeling, and I hope Alvarez loses his final home game... You don't see shit like that enough.

Southern California -18 California
We've all seen the "last team to beat USC" hoopla, but how can this team lose? Seriously, I can't envision a scenario where a team will be able to beat them. It's just not fair.
USC 44 CAL 17

Georgia Tech +5 Virginia
My rule from the beginning of the year still applies: If there's an ACC game, where the teams are either Boston College, Clemson, Maryland, Georgia Tech, Virginia, NC State, or North Carolina, take the points. Basically any ACC game, I always like to take the points. It's just a wacky conference, folks. Look at last week. NC State beats FSU, North Carolina over BC. This week, who knows?
GT 31 VIRGIN (hehe) 27

Miami -16.5 Wake Forest
Well, Mami's defense cetainly has the swagger. Losing Tyrone Moss is a tough break, but Charlie Jones is capable. Devin Hester likely won't play this week either. Miami has the 10th best defense against the rush (1st overrall), and will be able to keep Chris Barclay from pulling what he did on FSU earlier this year.
UM 27 WF 7

Texas Christan -29 Las Vegas-Nevada
How the hell should I know? Does UNLV still have Jamal Brimmer? What about Greg Anthony?

Arizona State +4 Los Angeles-California
Kinda sensing the wheels may have fallen off with UCLA. They won about 6 games by a half a point, and I'm pretty sure they actually lost against Stanford 2 weeks ago anyway. Remember when Sam Keller was the fucking man... like 5 weeks ago? That was fun. ASU's missing their tight end's but I just can't bet against them. Sam Keller is totally dreamy.
ASU 38 UCLA 31

Georgia -3 Auburn
The Shocker is back, and Auburn will be taking two in the pink, and one in the stink this weekend. Not to mention they will be getting an ol' fashioned Cleveland steamer, and some Arabian goggles too. College seems like such a fun time.
UGA 24 AUB 17

Oregon -4.5 Washington St.
This is a tough call. With Kellen Clemens out, Washington State has a good enough running game to get on top of the Ducks early, and try and out score the them, but I'll stick with Oregon to win by a touchdown.

Upset Special(4-4):
Iowa State +2.5 Colorado
This dates back to the beginning of the year, when I picked Iowa State to win the Big 12 North. Stevie Hicks and Bret Meyer will be too much for the Buffalos. Even though they have the dreaded Joel Klopfenstein, who currently is on Mel Kiper's top 25 board for a reason that is beyond me, and everybody else other than marvelous Mel. It's all in the love the hair, man... All in the hair.
ISU 26 CU 20

UN-lock of the week(3-5):
Florida State -1.5 Clemson
The Seminoles are pretty banged up, with Kamerion Wimbley, and Leon Washington not playing this week. I think the Washington injury may not be that terrible, as Lorenzo Booker is the better back. FSU wants to show it has it's head on straight, and work out the kinks before heading to the swamp. Clemson is always a tough place to go and get a win, but shit, they're 1-2 there this season. And the one win is over Duke. Whitehurst didn't play last week, and is listed as questionable. Even if he can go, FSU will be all up in his grill the whole time.
FSU 33 CLEM 10

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