Saturday, November 05, 2005


Since we're at the halfway point of the NFL season, we have, from our crack staff (I LOVE that phrase), one look back & a few glimpses forward for your dining & dancing pleasure.

Jimed's 5 for '05 looks at the first half:

Disappointments -
1. Patriots Secondary- My grandmother covers better
2. Vikings Offense- If you Cruise, you lose.
3. Andy Reid- RBs that don’t run & hurt QBs who throw 75% of the time?? Is Mike Martz your hero?
4. Jamal Lewis- misses his cell mates
5. Rudi johnson- Expected more, now grumbling about passing offense.

Surprises -
1. Drew Bledsoe- Who Knew????
2. Mark Brunell- Thought he was dead
3. Thomas Jones-WOW!!
4. Keenan McCardell- Old man got game
5. Jake Plummer- No turnovers = wins!

Devastating Injuries -
1. J. Walker/ A. Green- UGH!!!
2. Deuce McAllister- Katrina got him
3. Rodney Harrison- No fear factor from Pats D
4. B. Griese- Bucs 1st 1/2 will set up classic 2nd 1/2 plummet
5.Mike Martz-GOOD!! St.Louis has a running game, took the health of the head coach to figure it out.

1. Steve Smith -(Comeback player of the Year, also)
2. Sean Alexander - Mr Consistant
3. LT2 - Currant Punt/Pass & Kick Champion
4. Edge - Peyton must have a sore arm from last years heroics
5. Carson Palmer - Get used to it America, the Bungles are DEAD!!!

Sir Rufus Wetboat:

1. Charlie Frye is inserted in the starting lineupfor the Cleveland Browns’ game at Minneapolis in week 12. After he fumbles on the first play, he leads theteam to a stunningly decisive win over the MinnetonkaLove Boats. With Braylon back in action, and the teamgelling, Da Dawgs go 4-2 the rest of the way (the onlylosses against Cincinnati and Pittsburgh), and Fryebecomes a late-season sleeper in the fantasy footballworld. Wherefore art thou, Romeo?
2. Stay away from any and all Packers the rest of theway. They have a sorry-ass schedule: 6 of the next 8games are against tough defenses. This includesChicago (twice), Pittsburgh, Atlanta, Baltimore, andPhiladelphia. Trade Favre now before his value dropsand you get less for him later in the season.
3. The Jacksonville Jaguars win the AFC Southdivision, despite the Indianapolis Colts’ 7-0 start. Yes, you heard me right. Here’s why:Indianapolis’ next 5 games: @ NE (loss), HOU (win), @CIN (loss), PIT (win), TEN (win), leaving them with a10-2 record going into the week 14 showdown vs.Jacksonville.Jacksonville’s next 5 games are all wins againstprimarily bad teams: HOU, BAL, @ TEN, @ ARI, @ CLE. The only question mark is the away game at TEN – if they win this, that’s a huge deal. With those wins,they go 9-3.My boldest call: Jacksonville beats Indianapolis athome in week 14, setting up a first-place tie. TheJags win the next 3 games, against SF, @ HOU, and acollapsing TEN, going 13-3. Indianapolis beats SD,then loses an ugly game @ SEA in the nasty Decemberrain in Seattle, and wins the ARI game, for a 12-4record. Jags clinch the division.
4. The teams that will go one-two in the 2006 NFLdraft are the San Francisco 49ers, at 2-14, and theHouston Texans, at 3-13. Houston stays out of the #1slot by virtue of beating the 49ers in the last gameof their seasons. If there ever was a time and aplace for the two worst teams in the NFL to playagainst each other in a completely meaningless game,Week 17 was it. As LOCKERROOM’s resident baghead,I’ll be there in spirit.
5. Andre Johnson will go for 700 yards and 7 TD's for the rest of the year (not including Week 17). He won't give up on Houston's season.

1. Mewelde Moore: Easy schedule & no vulturequarterback.
2. Charlie Frye: See above.
3. Brooks Bollinger: Looked good in relief of Vinnyvs ATL, look for Herm to make the switch soon as helooks forward to ’06.
4. Matt Jones: Very soft schedule rest of the way,so Lefty can spread the wealth.
5. Amani Toomer: Giants offense is gelling, andAmani will see increased looks.

1. Brett Favre: See above.
2. Rudi Johnson: Tough late-season schedule plus injury bug.
3. Priest Holmes: Ditto.
4. Julius Jones: Injury issues the last 2 seasonsmay force Tuna to rely on RBBC.
5. Cadillac Williams: Proverbial rookie wall.

Mr. Ellipsis:

Using my specially developed elliptical viewing device, I have foreseen the fantasy future.

Five Bold Predictions -

#1: Ronnie Brown will win the ROTY while rolling up 1400 yards rushing and 12 TDs. That’s a 25% increase in yardage output and 9 additional TDs (one per game). Ricky who?

#2: Home For The Playoffs – The Eagles streak of conference championships, division titles and playoff appearances will come to a screeching (get it?) halt. Too much complaining, too many injuries, time for some fresh blood at the top.

#3: Manning vs. Manning – Little brother Eli will end up with more yards passing and more touchdowns than big brother Peyton. Both will create the buzz of the playoff season, with the Giants falling one game short of the NFL’s wildest dream match-up for the Super Bowl.

#4: The Curse – Peyton finally breaks through the Patriot mystique and makes it to the extra large (that’s XL, babies) game in Detroit. Of course, they will win it all.

#5: Da Bears, Oh My – Believe it or not, these Chicago Bears will excite the South Side like nothing since, well, the Chisox! At least they won’t have far to go to make it to Detroit …

Five Sleepers -

Arise sleeping beauty …

#1: Brad Johnson – Thanks to the departure of Daunte, Brad gets another chance. It won’t be his fault that Tice gets fired. Using the WRs to stretch the defenses occasionally, Mr. Dink and Dunk will put together respectable fantasy numbers with Mewelde and Jermaine as his partners in crime.

#2: Kyle Orton – That’s right, two sleepers in the same crappy division, and both playing QB! Orton is ready to open up the offense and use Muhsin the way Lovie envisioned it going into the season with Grossman. Somebody’s got to lead this team to the promised land.

#3: Chester Taylor – I’ve been holding this guy on my bench all season, and the time is coming soon for Billick to face facts and bench Jamal Lewis. When he does, Chester will have everyone saying “why didn’t he make the switch sooner”!

#4: David Patten – It’s the Redskins modus operandi. Keep a top notch player under wraps for a stretch until he’s fuming, then unleash him on unsuspecting defenses. Owners of Santana Moss needn’t worry, there will be plenty of fantasy goodies to go around. Patten will be good for at least 600 yards receiving and 5 TDs in the last nine games.

#5: Bryant Johnson – Anquan Boldin’s timing couldn’t have been worse with Warner returning to the starting QB job. Johnson will slide into Boldin’s slot and take all the leftovers that Larry Fitzgerald leaves behind. I see a two TD day in Bryant’s future (check out weeks 11, 13 and 15).

Five Busts -

Let’s forget the obvious (Culpepper, Ahman, Clayton, Lewis, etc) and reach a little here:

#1: Chris Simms – The future is not now, and Jon Gruden is not going to suffer this fool lightly. We could be looking at McCown or (gasp) Tim Rattay at the reins before the season ends. The Bucs will make the playoffs, but that’s it.

#2: Julius Jones – Too much competition and the Cowboys on a roll will spell few opportunities for the Orange one to rack up fantasy points. Make your trade now while the getting is good.

#3: Deion Branch – It’s just not the Patriots season, and struggles will be plenty in New England. Hard to get much in the way of fantasy points when your head coach is missing his greatest offensive mind down the stretch.

#4: Isaac Bruce – Age is a terrible thing for a professional athlete. Injuries have finally caught up with this warrior, and I don’t see much left in the tank. Once Holt and Bulger are back, the Rams won’t look back with Kevin Curtis in the #2 slot.

#5: All Things Niner – Talk about a heaping pile of fantasy dung. If you got stuck with Barlow, Smith, Lloyd et al, I pity you the rest of this season. Two wins is all you’ll see there, and there’s nothing on the bench that’s worth waking up.

Professor Ellis D Trails:

Bold Predictions -

1. New England will not make the playoffs – This team has been decimated by injury. Their DB’s have gone down faster than Monica on Bill. Billy B has done a great job with this team, but even the return of Bruschi to this team will not help a team that is lacking in many areas in order to be successful. Heart can carry you but this weight is too much to bear.
2. Indianapolis will lose to Denver in the Championship Game – Indy looks unstoppable. True. Indy is more balanced in their attack. True. Indy has a much improved Defense. True. Peyton Manning will choke in the playoffs. True
3. Shawn Alexander will lead Seattle to Superbowl – I am an EAGLES fan first and foremost. Therefore, it pains me to predict a loss for my team. I just don’t have the feeling that I have had in the past several years, but I digress. I think that Holmgren finally realizes the monster that he has and wants to take advantage of this before the Free Agency season begins. I never had much confidence in Hasselback, but with a guy like Alexander any team can go far.
4. There will be at least one arrest of an active NFL player – I know, I know, not really a BOLD prediction, but never the less.
5. The number one draft pick will go to the New Orleans Saints – They had a couple of emotional victories early in the year, but with the offensive injuries and complete lack of leadership by there ever underachieving QB, I can honestly say that this team may not win another game.

Sleepers -
1. Larry Johnson – With Holmes leaving this past game with “Mild Head Trauma” this could be the opening that LJ was looking for. This guy tore it up during the end of last season and very well could do it again.
2. Byron Leftwich – Good ole Lefty, sorry Carlton. This guy has a cannon and his schedule upcoming seems easier to score on than a whore who needs to support her habit. He has the ability and the weapons. Will he open it up? I think so.
3. Billy Volek – McNair is an enigma, the guy can play through pain but is a shell of his former self. Volek is easily the best backup in the league and I predict he will take the starting job and exploit opposing defenses
4. Kevin Jones – The lions stink, this is a perpetual fact of life. They stunk last year too. In the final 7 games KJ ran for an average of 118 yds/game and scored 4 td’s – Hopefully Detroit remembers this and gives him the ball, besides the QB is awful and everyone knows it.
5. Amani Toomer – This guy has always had good hands. He only has 21 catches so far this season but was crucial in the later stages of the comeback against Denver including the game winning TD. I hate this pick mainly because I hate the Giants.
1. Mark Brunell – This guy has been a superstar. I say WHAT!!!!. I just cannot see this guy continuing his pace; he had weapons in JAX and never threw more than 20 td’s in a season. I may be wrong on this one, but I just don’t see it.
2. Andre Johnson – This guy had so much potential coming into this season. He had so many catches in his first two years, it was easy to label this guy as the next TO, what do we got, 4 games – 10 catches – 76 yards – 0 TDs. Just awful.
3. Tony Gonzalez - Considering Gonzalez was the top TE picked in almost every fantasy draft this year, he has been a huge disappointment the first half of the season. Gonzalez has 25 catches for 209 yards entering last game, which is a 34.8 yards per game average, and he has only 1 TD. Some may say he will come on, I say if it hasn’t happened yet, then it won’t happen
4. LJ Smith – This guy was on a tear at the beginning of the year, but in the last three games he has only averaged 3 for 29 yds and one score. With Donavon hurting and this team reeling, who can be sure if he’ll get back to the early season pace? Not me.
5. Green Bay Packers Conditioning Coach – This guy has to be the one of the biggest factors in Fantasy Football Teams pain. Goodbye Ahman Green, Najeh Davenport and Javon Walker and Robert Ferguson. Will the trend continue and will the Packers be able to field a team or be forced to forfeit, the latter probably helping their defensive scoring. JK you crazy cheeseheads.

And that's it for now. Noodles, Creekie & I are judges this weekend at the Miss Trailways contest & our prognosticative skills are being usurped by guessing which hoochie will be 1st to have a flask fall out from their banner. Nufced.

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