Monday, November 07, 2005

NUFCED by wikkidpissah


I'm a pretty mellow guy - always have been. Don't take no crap from folks, put more people in the hospital than they have me, but I've always been counted on to offer a Falstaffian good humor and have rarely disappointed. Lately, however, I always seem about thiiis close to losing it. Could be cuz I'm getting mean with age; could be cuz a run of poor health & fortune is wearing me down; could be cuz people never seem to stop getting more stupid, selfish & oblivious. Biggest reason, I think, is that I ain't letting off enough steam. I mean, having quit most of my bad habits, I don't find myself in arenas where I can experience those cleansing moments of pro-active lunacy & excess.

Then I realized I have this lovely little blog from which to piss at the world. Really - would blogs exist without the wide assortment of losers & loners lashing their wet noodles upon the imagined tormenters of their shrinking, ineffectual worlds? Keeps them from sniping from high places, torturing pets or actually trying to have lives in places where I might encounter them. Well, make room - Hi, I'm Wikkid & I've been a blogger for three months...*HI, WIKKID*.

Read no further if you're looking for good humor, sense or words. I'm wikkid pissed and i'm lettin' loose! CAUTION: we are not responsible for poor taste, rough language or lost articles beyond this point!!!

First & foremost - our world is going to Hell in a shopping cart and it's your fault, America. A country more interested in Monica's blue dress than her boyfriend's policies reacted to that failure by electing a patent, motleyed fool to head an administation that conducted a pure four years of idiocy & self-interest during one of the most vital periods in our history, then allowed his reelection to turn on the painting of his opponent (who was once the bravest man in this country for first fighting in, then opposing an ugly war) as less patriotic than a man whose most altruistic act was clearing brush when times got tough, deserves what it gets. Whew, that was a year-old rant - feels good to get rid of that one!

Another commie diatribe: stop buying stupid stuff & envying people who can afford to buy REALLY stupid stuff! Maybe my child-of-the-50s-clean-your-plate-there-are-people-starving-overseas state of mind is too anachronistic to wrap around the concept of celebrating the waste of money when 40,000 people worldwide (2/3 children) die each day from the simple inability to sustain life, but I can't help thinking we can do better. Start by not buying DVDs of TV shows you've already seen 47 times or movies you already own on videotape, $5 cups of coffee and gadgets (GPS systems & the like) whose value can never exceed its cost. Sports enthusiasts can contribute by forming a fan's union to tell teams that paying thousands of dollars for tickets to owners who already have too much & create an atmosphere where athletes making eight figures can worry out loud about "feeding their families" without fear of public stoning is wrong. Then we can boycott any programs or products that support celebrities without talent (Donald Trump - who actually LOST money in the casino biz, for crissakes - Paris Hilton, etc.) who are only conspicuous for their consumption. Possibly then we can move on to realizing how ridiculous it is to worry about the price difference between name-brand & store-brand items, but not spend a molecule of concern on the people in our capitals who spend $20K of each household's income anually. When the world can be fed with what we spend on pets, something is out of balance.

Bad as lawyers are, if Shakespeare were alive today, he’d have written “First, let us kill all the publicists.

When did it become acceptable to pay no attention whatsoever to one's surroundings? We fight & fuck, hide & horde much as our beastly ancestors did, but the vital animal instinct for the necessity of awareness got lost along the way. One shouldn't be able to have it both ways - to walk thru life in a self-involved haze AND be free from the natural consequences of that inaction. Move or die, losers - and the less capable you are (old, fat, infirm or simply stupid with blissful Momness, Dadness or Gayness), the more attention should you pay to your environs, got it?!

Man, that felt good. As I bask in your ill favor, let's see what ticked me off in Sunday's NFL play. Couldn’t make it to my pal’s house for the 8cast, so I didn’t see much of the action. This whole angry-man thing is my way of bluffing thru the unknown. DON’T YOU HATE THAT?!?!?!

ATL 17 MIA 10
The reason college coaches don’t make it in pro ball is that, due to the 150-man collegiate rosters, they think their system to supercede the ongoing evaluation of or adjustment to their talent, as the pro game mandates. Well, buy a freakin vowel, Savior Saban – Frerotte may have fit your playbook in camp, but its week 9, jackass, & he’s not only not helping you win, he’s helping the opposition help themselves. And you’re a worthless #@&% until you realize that!

KC 27 OAK 23
How the crap did these two sieves not allow a 1st half TD?! Part of it is that, unlike the great RB that fantasy fans wish to die so their handcuff may thrive, you can game plan for LJ in a way you can’t for Priest. If defense wasn’t sooo exhausting anymore that every 4th quarter that aint a mismatch turns into a freakin pinball game, Johnson would’ve been held under 10 fantasy pts and the lesser Moss wouldn’t have scored a TD after being shut out in his first seven looks.

JAX 21 HOU 14
Lefty is fast becoming the Isaac Bruce of QBs for me – play him & get nada, sit him & watch the fireworks. I actually traded this bum in midgame, whereupon he immediately remembered that Wilford was tall enough to catch his sailing prayers and that he used to run QB draws from the shotgun in school. You’re welcome to him, Mr Ellipsis – good riddance to bad rubbish!

CLE 20 TEN 14
By my estimate, the frantic pussies on the Fanball FFB forum made 817 posts this week concerning the gay B.E.T. soap opera better known as the Titans’ rookie WR corps. “Ooo, I’ve got Courtney Roby, do you? Will Roydell Williams be just wonderful or will he marry Bo Scaife (yeah, I know he’s a TE – that’s the point) in a secret ceremony? Will Brandon Jones recover in time to thave Thteve?! Dun-dun-dun-daaah – of McNair 1st 14 comps (in other words, when it mattered) TWO were to Tennessee’s ripped cast of luscious young hunks. Stay tuned…

CIN 21 BAL 9
Tab Perry?! What the fuck kind of closeted 50s movie star is Tab Perry?! One of my bye-weakened lineups required the services of Chris Perry, so when I saw Perry, TD, on the feed, I did a happy dance. Well, before my gut stopped quivering, I saw I’d been vultured by a carcinogenic soft drink…Wanna know how bad Awright is? I actually got a little excited when Slash replaced him for a series.

CAR 34 TB 14
How relentlessly stupid have I been in lineup management this year? After hurling my most searing insults of last week’s column at CSimms’ performance at SF, I blow off the knowledge that this week will be sooo much worse & that Caddy (for good or ill) won’t get carries if the Bucs are behind 1,000,000,000 to 3. To quote the great rhetoritician, “D’oh!”.

SD 31 NYJ 26
Stupid move of the day? Schottsie, handsdown. With the greatest scoring machine in football on hand in LT2 (or did the 1st FOUR TDs throw you off?), trying to reward Lorenzo Neal with red zone touches when the game wasn’t anywhere near a blowout, then kicking a FG at 4 & inches-to-goal and not only letting the Jets back in the game but costing my pal Jimed a much-needed sweep of his action today by ONE FREAKIN POINT!!!

MIN 27 DET 14
Hey, Moochiecoochiecoo – can you get it thru your thick #@&%in skull now? Rookie Dan Orlovsky is a better option than Joey at QB; Jeff Garcia on crutches is a better option than Joey at QB; hell, a mincing choreographer is a better option than Joey at QB (boy, do I get homophobic when I’m angry)….Ooo, another possible RBBC in Minny? What a buttplug of delight that is.

NYG 21 SF 6
Holy Leroy Hoard, Batman! Lotsa football players dressed as vultures this Halloween. Led here by the otherwise worthless Brandon Jacobs with two scavenger TDs, the scorers who had no other value to the games this week follow: Jason Wright (after Rubes had run for like 80 yds in the previous two carries), my precious widdew Tab Perry, Psychiatric Fason, Arethose Pinner, Mike Alstott (spiritual father of all vultures and, of course, President Mike Sellers. May they all eat shit & die – am I right, fantasy bros?!

SEA 33 AZ 19
Why the #@&% wasn’t A-Train in the Cards camp this week?! You woulda won this one if he had been, Coach Fathead. When Neil Rackers is your ace-in-the-hole you’re gonna lose.

CHI 20 NO 17
With the teams that control the New Mexico TV market (Dallas & Denver) on bye, we get a fall cornucopia of topflight NFL action to watch in their place, right? No, we gotta watch this stinkburger cuz Brian Urlacher lived in NM nineteen years ago. Nufced.

PGH 20 GB 10
The definition of “suck” in the Wikkidpedia? Losing at home to the scintillating 65 yardsworth of QB wizardry that is Charlie Batch.

WAS 17 PHIL 10
Why, oh why, OH FUCKIN WHY didn’t even ONE Eagle take TO up on his offer?! More still, why didn’t like nine of them treat this worthless bag of ego to an extended session of toilet-bobbing for callin out the whole team? I’m Andy Reid and I do it myself – no way don’t my guys play their heart out for me if I do, black eyes or no. Has coaching gone to hell or what? Lombardi spins.

Ah, what sweet release thy indignation be! Don’t think I’ll need my Tagamet all week. Play hard!

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