Monday, November 14, 2005

NUFCED by wikkidpissah

I’m loaded…REEEALLY loaded. Must be infirmary week here on LOCKERROOM - my back gave out again playing with a friend’s kid (no, that DOESN’T violate the terms of my probation) and they got me doped to the gills, so this is gonna be brief. To help my addled mind, I’ve brought in fantasy football’s greatest mind, Mr. MOTO. You may have read me using the term before – it’s old horseplayer slang, standing for Master Of The Obvious. There’s a brand of racetrack denizen who touts a 4-5 shot to everybody who’ll listen and even more who won’t, then bet it to show so he is sure to be seen cashing while taking the minimum of risk. Worst MOTO I ever seen was the old malaprop comedian Norm Crosby. Every day, when he was playing my home casino, he’d send his assistant down to make a MOTO bet then, if it came in, he come down with his entourage to make his noisy, cigar-smoking know-it-all cashout. Once, the cashier didn’t show the proper enthusiasm toward the celebration of his genius & he threw a tantrum til the boss had to fake-fire her. What a prize!

Next to the racetrack, the easiest way to find a Mr. MOTO is to go to a fantasy sports forum. There are several species of this animal – the ones that amuse me most are: 1) the guy who must be in a four-team league with three guys who sell papers in front of the market, cause he’s got SA, Edge, McG & SJax but is having a crisis of confidence cuz TO’s suspension & CJohn’s bye leaves him with only SSmith & HWard this week; 2) #1’s little brother, who just traded David Patten to some drooler for Antonio Gates but wants to run it past y’all to make sure he done good; 3) the guy who wants to know whether to start Joey or Carson but promises, if you’ll only help him in his time of dire need, to answer all your questions after you do.

Today on Fanball, however, a previously undiscovered breed of mooyuk made itself known. Two different guys with member #s in the millions set up their lemonade stands on the boards and offered to field everyone’s questions for week 10. Turns out they couldn’t type fast enough to handle even the Samkon Gado questions, but that didn’t stop one of them from having a four-page thread. So I guess we ARE wasting our freaking time trying to make sense & fun of this all for your edification. Can’t step anywhere these days without splashing lace-deep into a puddle of genius. I’ll turn it over to Mr MOTO now & get back to alphabetizing my medications.

IND 31 HOU 17
Hey, how come AJohnson gets nine catches last week when he was still kinda hurt, but he was fine this week and only caught four?! You’d think they’d find some kinda way to standardize this stuff…See you in the BStokely line this waiver day!

JAX 30 BAL 3
Wow, I hope FTaylor has cancer of the groin, cuz I got GJones so it’s like legal for me to wish that…thought sure KBoller would have a big comeback day cuz I knew the Ravens would be waaay behind so I was playing the catchup yardage angle and see, I was mostly right cuz they got waaay behind.

NE 23 MIA 16
Boy, was I smart for drafting three QBs that all had byes on week ten so I hadda trade in my last tight end for GFrerotte and he went for 360 & 2 today…should I use my #1 waiver priority on HEvans?

MIN 24 NYG 21
How the hell could Eli throw all them INTs? He looked at his receiver for like five seconds each time before he threw to em – you'd think he coulda hit em!...Dayum! I KNEW I shoulda played the Minny D this week on the road. Dayum!!

CHI 17 SF 9
This game blew!!!

BUF 14 KC 3
Had LJ in my TD league this week – he SUCKS!...Sure – I drop Lee Evans for his bye week & now he does this!

DEN 31 OAK 17
That guy on Fanball told me to sit Randy for Scottie Vines. Next time. I’m not listening to anyone til they been on the forums for at least two weeks…Sure I played both of Denver’s two-headed monster – Raiders suck, they both shoulda had 200.

DET 29 AZ 21
What the #@&% is an Ayanbadejo?

CAR 30 NYJ 3
What happened? Bollinger looked sooo good against the Chargers premature prevent defense…The NFL is fixed – how else does the Panthers get thirty points and Smith gets only thirty yards?

SEA 31 STL 16
How does Bruce stay out that long then suck like this when all that’s wrong with him is a toe?...Toldja SA was the best – he TOTALLY outplayed LT2 today.

TB 36 WASH 35

GB 33 ATL 25
Priest who? Samkon Gado is sooo much better than him anyway. LJ & Gado the the championship, baby…Vick’s starting to look comfortable in the pocket, ain’t he?

PGH 34 CLE 21
I don’t understand this game sometimes. First, I drop Rueben for Jason Wright in my TD league for the vulture scores and they don’t even use him, then I pick up Charlie Batch at halftime then he goes and breaks his hand and now I gotta keep him all week. Jeez!!!

Well, now you know what real fantasy football fustigatin’ sounds like. Why do I even bother? Next week, I’m gonna ask Fanball member #190,001 to write my column, then sit back & enjoy my football and my meds. Play hard -


Bryan Shell said...

I am one of those Mr. Moto's, and just because my member number is high does not mean that I do not have as good of insight as the first member of Fanball. I never professed to be a genius, just trying to be helpful. Thanks for the support though. I have since sold 250 cups of lemonade.

Bryan Shell

wikkidpissah said...

when you impress someone more than you impress yourself, i'll revise.

bpwallace49 said...

Nicely said wikkid. Fanball is getting worse by the day . . . .