Monday, January 02, 2006

NUFCED by wikkidpissah

Read quietly as I explain. Being in the casino biz, I usually work New Years. And, even tho I wouldn't come in to deal 'til 2AM, I couldn't really get hammered. That works out, cuz I usually go to a party hosted by a friend who's in AA, mostly hangs with her own kind that way & only offers champagne at midnight to drink (as they toast with sparkling apple juice). Though I wasn't working, I decided to go to the same party (mostly cuz she invites a girl especially for me which, considering that I now look like something between the Comic Book Guy & Jabba the Hut, is no small thing), but decided to bring a case of Gruet Brut (surprisingly, New Mexico makes the best champagne outside Champagne - check it out) to honor both my host's party style and my need to get wikkidpissed for New Years. Turns out me and this girl Patty polished off most of the case - unfortunately, I'd forgotten that sparkling wine gives me almost as bad a hangover as tequila (which turns me into a marble fountain of spew). So, considering that I can't go into the playoffs with an injury, I'm just going to cover the Saturday games, the only Sunday game that matters (Bush Bowl) then turn it over to a backup. And please mute your computer before clicking away from this site - thanks.

DEN 23 SD 7
Good to get a look at Phillip Rivers, especially considering he could be starting for someone next season. Y’know, he reminds me a lot of Brett Favre. Unfortunately, I mean the 2005 version. Phil – you don’t have to improvise on every play. What may work in school will cause you to get picked off more than Nazis in Medal of Honor here in the show. Work on that...I’m convinced it WAS fear of fumbling that caused LT2 to play so tentatively the last few weeks. With nothing on the line, he was free to carry without care and looked like old...After watching BVanPelt play, I am amazed he is allowed to cash checks as an NFL QB, never mind top backup for a playoff team.

NYG 30 OAK 21
There may be better RBs than Tikitikitiki, but there are none more superhuman. When one considers his size, being thirtysome & that the soul of his entire team’s performance seems to hinge on him, there is no one in football for whom I reserve more awe...Why does it bother me more seeing Randy show up when it no longer matters than did his invisibility when it counted?...On the subject – I’m officially welching on our bet, George_W_Bush. With Randy’s on-field performance more embarrassing than TO’s off-field, I cannot reward you with the agreed picture of me wearing nothing but a cone. With Moss taking 14 games to pass what Owens did in 7, I so overwhelmingly won the spirit of this bet that, though you won the letter, I will offer only this concession:

They tried getting their QB & top WR knocked out of the game, they tried abandoning the running game that built them a 10-pt. lead, they even brought in Dr. Shank (KBrown) to miss a late chip shot again, then tried to rely on both teams' insistent incompetence to eke out the gentleman's option of a tie but, finally, not just an INT but an INT+lateral brought this ugfest to a conclusion that gains them 1st shot at the talents of Reggie Bush...Not only was I rooting for the Texans so that the City of New Orleans could end their putrid year with the future's brightest jewel, but I believe this was the determining game in LOCKERROOM's Window Lickers contest (congrats to Clammyclipper on his win).

And, now, I will turn the rest of the game coverage over to my backup - anal bleaching technician, Brion Mutton. Brion has a fantasy football radio program "Mutton on Pigskin" and, even though it's broadcast from a 15-watt transmitter in his basement it can be heard almost all the way down to the bus stop and makes him a respected sports commentator throughout his apartment. Enjoy his comments while I consider suicide-by-security-guard:

KC 37 CIN 3
All week, on my show, people were asking me LJ-or-Gore, LJ-or-Morency, LJ-or-Herron, so I did some research and it turns out this guy runs for like a whole bunch of yards and touchdowns and stuff so I gave him out at as my pick. I'd say "you're welcome" but it turns out the "people" were just some neighbor kids with walkie-talkies outside my window just messing with me.

JAX 40 TEN 13
As the lead of my fantasy sports column for the Parsippany Pennysaver, I told everybody that 3rd- string Titans' QB Matt Mauck was not a good play this week. Turns out I was TOTALLY right, but my column got bumped by a last-minute add for a charity carwash to raise money to buy WalMart giftcards for the homeless, so nobody found out.

MIA 28 NE 26
I TOLD them that week 17 championships were stupid but they just wouldn't listen to me! See, I'm in this league with the three old ladies I volunteer to play Mah Jongg with at the nursing home each Wednesday. I would have won had the playoff been last week but I stuck with Brady when Belichick said he'd play (I mean, when was the last time Coach Bill was misleading about playing time?!). Still, going into the last quarter, all I need is one point from Vinatieri to tie. So, what happens? On their 1st 4th Q touchdown, Flutie makes the first dropkick in 65 years & then they go for two after their final TD. Piss me off - now I gotta buy her yarn for like a month.

Y'know, I gotta renew my meds and send a new 8x10 glossy to, so I'm gonna turn things over to my bleaching instructor and noted pansexual entertainer, Yancey Derringer.

HI, EVERYBODY!! This should be deligh...Huh?...give the score before I say anything? Let's see...

WASH 31 PHI 20
Wasn't it just wonderful that, as soon as those awful Philadelphia fans' throwing stuff at her chased Clinton Portis' mother out of her seat, her son scored the winning TD as soon as she reached the Washington sidelines? I bet it's great to do something sooo dramatic in front of your Mom! Til then, I was rooting for the Eagles cuz they have the cutest little player who has the same name as my last two special friends, Bruce and Perry. Plus, you just gotta love a player who can hit a hole like that!

Listen, dearie, this isn't really my cup of tea. Let me turn you over to a chatroom friend of mine - Cheddar W. Bratpacker. He should be good because he's corresponding secretary of the Ross Peninsula chapter of the Brett Favre Fan Club. I'm off for a plucking and a sitz bath - Ciao, baby.

GB 23 SEA 17
See? All Brett needed was to face a team more interested in securing personal records for their players than playing football and the magic's back!!! Except for the six times those stupid receivers refused to get open for Brett - Brett had the ball within five yards of them each time. And did you see Brett's touchdown pass to Driver? NOBODY throws the ball that high anymore! Not to mention that, even with all the tragedy Brett's endured, Brett still takes time to donate passes to the other team 4-5 times a game. Such a shame the season's ending just as Brett is getting Brett's roll on. Please come back!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'd like to do more games, but none of them involve Brett. Plus, a bunch of us are going to the shore to see if Brett's image appears over Lake Michigan. I'm leaving you in good hands, though - here's Eloy Linones, assistant groundskeeper for the Packers' indoor practice facility.

IND 17 AZ 13
CLE 20 BAL 16
TB 27 NO 13
PGH 35 DET 21
NYJ 30 BUF 26
MIN 34 CHI 13
STL 20 DAL 10
Quien dar de mierde como el fútbol de fantasia? Un jugador ganar mas dinero en una pinche semana dar todos de mi familia ganar en un año. Chingada! Váyase!

Oh, well - sorry about that. For the playoffs, I promise that, if I stay off the wagon, I'll go back on the pipe to even it out - the better to serve you. Happy New Year - play hard.


Professor Ellis D Trails said...

you can kiss my ass yancey as i have been to many an EAGLES game and think very highly of my fellow EAGLES fans.

by the way, did anything happen between you and that special girl after you finished off the al-key-hal?

Creek! said...

When they announced it during the game that people were throwing things at her, I had a deep guffaw, and then made a mental note that if I ever met her, I would urinate on her shoes.

By the way, Clintoris' date to his senior prom was his mom. No lie.

yancey derringer said...

inviting me to kiss your ass, precious, may be - how do you say - biting off more than you can chew.

as to your question - a gentleman never tells, and neither will I...

Professor Ellis D Trails said...

whoever said you were a gentleman?

its ok though, i have learned that if nothing happened then you would have no regret spilling your spoils, however if something did occur then you claim the gentleman's quote?