Thursday, January 12, 2006

The Professor's Playoff Syllabus Part 2

I spend the better portion of my day in a haze of paperwork and madness. For some time now, I have been partaking in Anger Management Sessions. Don’t worry there was no encounter with the authorities at 2:00 in the morning at Jack in the Box. I was not court ordered due to spazzing out in line at grocery store, in which frozen meat is flung at the cash register because the jerk in front of me wants to pay with pennies. Also, to what you may think, I do not carry sewing shears for those oh so pleasant mornings without coffee.

I am in fact an amiable individual. I like to watch football and drink some brews. I love my wife, but there are some things in this damn world that makes me want to jam a fork into the eyes of each moron I come into contact with.

People will never cease to amaze me. I guess that is one fact I must learn to live with. I could be at the bank or at the dry cleaner and I just happen to come across Joe Jackass. Maybe it’s a guy acting belligerent about 5 cents or somebody that feels that they are so damn important for the reason that they are made to wait just a little bit too long. They also ramble on certain forums about how great and talented they are, only to show the true ineptitude they possess. You know who you are. (NS,BL)

I just want to grab these people and inform them that life is too damn short to be consumed with the most trivial bullshit. I want to tell them that where they are allows them to have the luxury of waiting. Most of all, I want to watch these cretins as they burn for eternity. HELLFIRE!!!!

Again, I am a cheerful guy, Every now and then these scathing salamanders slither themselves into my existence and I am sickened by what I see. Anger Management has taught me some things about how your mind escalates during confrontation. I have learned that it is not the situation that makes you angry; it is your thoughts about the situation that make you angry. I needed a damn shrink to tell me this.

Anyway I would like for everyone to be patient and understand that you cannot have everything you want. You just can’t. Even you silly fucks in California.

I moved to the Golden State almost two years ago and have come to the realization that the people out here are not just merely ignorant, but dense as well. I grew up in Philadelphia where we had culture and American History was shoved down our throats almost daily. Annual school trips to Betsy Ross’ house and Independence Hall gave you a sense of being apart of the growth of this country. In California, I get a sense that people are disconnected from anything in regards to America. People in LA feel as though they are above others and are owed their share of the pie seemingly without any knowledge of how this country was founded or the men that made that happen. I wouldn’t be surprised if a response to who was Thomas Jefferson was the guy that was married to Weezy.

West Coasties say that people from the east are “back” east, implying that they are back in time, if somehow Californians are futuristic in their outlook on life. Quite the contrary, these people couldn’t be more backwards than hicks in the woods of Alabama making moonshine themselves.

If you try to have a conversation with someone, well just forget it. They look at you like you have a green monkey on your head blowing snot bubbles. Maybe since I just got out of anger management my outlook is somewhat skewed as many of my previous columns’ connotation may suggest.

I just want to be able to eliminate the abundance of unawareness that floods the populace. However, I have more than begun to see that any attempt is no more than futile and no less than impossible. You may say that my viewpoint is cynical, but I say it is realistic.

I look forward to simple pleasures to distract me from the world around me. One being reading the sports section in the bathroom. Watching football. Drinking a Yuengling Lager from the bottle. I love that feeling you get as you fall asleep when you are about as comfortable as you can ever be. Most of all, I appreciate the chance to give my loyal pupils one more shot at succeeding at fantasy football.

This brings me to the current week’s playoff games. There are four matchups this week that all happen to be rematches of regular season games.

Saturday, January 14

WAS @ SEA 4:30pm
Washington had 120 yards of offense and was able to win against Tampa Bay. Seattle watched that game at home like the rest of us. Mike Holmgren finally figured out how to win. Give the ball to SA. Brunell’s run has come to an end.

Mark Brunell – His tank has run out of gas. Marky go bye-bye.
Santana Moss – He should get some yards in a futile attempt at a comeback. Too little too late.
Clinton Portis – Southeast Jerome needs to have the game of games in order to give Washington a glimmer of hope. Too bad.

Matt Hasselback – He won’t win it, but he won’t lose it either. He has been waiting for the opportunity to repay his fans for the overtime debacle in Green Bay.
Shaun Alexander – The MVP gets his chance to walk the walk. He had 98 yards in a loss to this team when the skins were streaking early in the year. You know this guy is ready to play right now.
Darrell Jackson – He didn’t even appear on the injury report this week, which is good news for Seahawk fans, but they have had great play from the backups this year so it really doesn’t matter.

NE @ DEN 8:00pm
New England took on a noticeably undermanned Jaguar team last week. Jacksonville should build on this season, but were no match for the more experienced Patriot team. In New England’s last 7 games they played only three teams that were formidable opponents. Miami and Kansas City and Tampa. The record 1-2. Some will say that they lost to Miami in order to play Jacksonville in the first round. Be that as it may 2 wins against the Jets and wins against Buffalo and New Orleans do not impress me. Denver has only lost two in their fifteen games and both of those were on the road. Jake Plummer has finally learned to play within the system and has shown it with only 2 interceptions at home. They have had an extra week to get healthy and prepare and don’t forget the guy coaching against Billy B this week has 2 Superbowl rings of his own. This is the best team that New England has faced in a while and the final score will show it. I don’t think this will be a blowout by any means, but it will be a win for Denver.

Tom Brady – He is undefeated in the playoffs. Inevitability says that he is due to lose. Unfortunately for him that is not why he will lose this week. Denver just has the better team and the better matchups.
Corey Dillon – I wouldn’t count too much on Corey this week.
Deion Branch – I will say that he id due for a good game.
Troy Brown – He could play offense and defense again. Whoopee!

Jake Plummer – As I stated before, he has finally succumbed to the Bronco’s system. He realizes that he doesn’t have to do everything. He has matured exponentially this season.
Tatem Bell – His style of running is a great play against the New England schemes. I predict they will over pursue and he will get some big plays.
Rod Smith – He is one of the most consistent players in the league. He is better than Jimmy Smith and gets less credit.

Sunday, January 15

PIT @ INDY 1:00pm
Pittsburgh blew past divisional rival Cincinnati last week and the debate is whether or not they could have had the same outcome if Carson didn’t blow his knee out. My point is it doesn’t matter and the Steelers do not need the distractions. Indianapolis is geared up for the run at the Superbowl with the only question being, can Peyton put his playoff woes behind him? You know he’ll be rooting for Denver on Saturday. I wonder if the Patriots do win on Saturday, will that be on his mind while playing on Sunday? Interesting.

Ben R. – He will have much the same game that he did last time he made the trip to Indy and I don’t want to hear shit about how it was his first game back from injury. He is a professional football player. Indy’s defense will control him.
Willie Parker – Will he be shutdown? Yes
Hines Ward – He will always get his yards and may even get a score on a pass from Bettis.
Jerome Bettis – This should be his final game of a great career.

Peyton Manning - No one can pick apart defenses like Peyton can. Did anyone hear what Joey Porter said about Indy's offense? He was like, There would be no way they could beat us if they just line up and come at us. They have to always do those audibles and try to trick us. What a dumbass.
Edgerrin James - He put up over a hundred in the last game and I see no reason why he won't do it again.
Marvin Harrison - He has had a week to fully heal and we might even see a replay of the opening snap of the previous game.
The Dome - So Bill thinks they pump sound into the dome to bring up the noise level. That's cool.

CAR @ CHI 4:30pm
Carolina showed me something last week with their performance in New York. I honestly did not expect the pure domination on both sides of the ball. Chicago has been in this position before. In 2001, they were 13-3 and looking to dominate the Eagles and the Birds showed up and beat them. Lovie Smith won’t let this happen. He has that defense playing at the level of the Bears of two decades ago. This one will be low scoring just as the one earlier in the year was and Chicago will pound Thomas Jones. If you don’t like punts, don’t watch this one. On the other hand, if you love defense, then this one should be a good one.

Jake Delhomme – He was sacked eight time in the previous outing, so you can be sure that there will a lot of three step and throw plays. You can bet the Bears will be ready for that.
Deshaun Foster – He put up 151 against the Giants. He’ll be lucky to get 15 yards this week.
Steve Smith – He had something like 10 catches for 160+ yards in the loss to the Bears earlier in the year. This tells me one thing. He will catch a lot of balls. He will gain a lot of yards and the Panthers will lose.
Panther’s Defense – They played well in the last game, but the last game Kyle Orton was QB. I know it’s Rex Grossman, but it’s still an upgrade.

Rex Grossman – As long as he doesn’t make stupid mistakes, ala Eli Manning, this game will be won on the ground and with defense.
Thomas Jones – He rewarded the Bears giving him the load this year with a great season. He should continue to play strong.
Mushin Muhammed – He caught a touchdown pass against his old team last time they played and was able to get one from Grossman in week 16. You know he’ll be primed to go against the Panthers in the Playoffs.
Chicago’s Defense – I haven’t seen a D this punishing since the EAGLES in the early nineties and they pummeled offensive players.

This will take us to the Championship Games and I have
Denver @ Indianapolis
Chicago @ Seattle

There were three road winners last week and that won’t happen again. It’s just the mediocrity of today’s NFL. Good luck to all and if your teams are still alive, I want to say screw you the EAGLES are the best. No, I’m just kidding. I hope you all have a great time getting drunk and either making love or beating your better halves.

As always, Go with your gut and don’t look back.

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