Saturday, January 07, 2006

1-800-NEW-COACH (wait, that's too many numbers. Actually, it's too many letters. Am I still typing the title? Oh snap!)

With the start of the NFL playoffs less than 24 hours away (omigod omigod omigod!), It struck me as odd how much more people are talking about NFL coaching situations, than the playoffs. Normally, I could care less about the coaching carousel, but with the Eagles nowhere near the playoffs, and our own offensive coordinator leaving for the head coaching job (which I thought was 2 years overdue) in Minnesota, I too have become one of the many consumed with everything football BUT the playoffs. So this week, I've decided to take a look at the remaining head coaching positions in the NFL.

Team: St. Louis Rams

Old Coach: Mike Martz... until he died or something.

Team's Best Feature(s): Running back could be the next Earl Cambell. Still have a decent passing game. Leonard Little hasn't had a DUI recently.

City's Best Feature(s): that big arch that everyone seems to love. I hear good things about their zoo, but who doesn't love the zoo? Nelly doesn't hang around there as much, so that's good. The St. Louis Cardinals.

Local Celeb Who Should Be Coach (If I could bring back the dead): Vincent Price

Why: He may not be the biggest name from St. Louis, but think about this Rams team. They're soft. They don't scare anybody. Who better to bring in than the man 2nd only to Boris Karloff, as far as big screen scares are concerned. Price has also shown his versatility before, when he appeared as Scooby Doo's guide in the "13 Ghost of Scooby Doo" series that ran in the mid-eighties. The clincher, is that this will lead to seeing more of Bill Hayden's impressions of him on SNL which, in its first appearance, led to the funniest sketch of the season (Yes, better than Parnell & Samburg's rap).

Others Who Were Considered: Tina Turner, Maya Angelou, Phyllis Diller (another Scooby Doo favorite), Jack Buck, Ulysses S. Grant

Team: Oakland Raiders

Old Coach: Norv Turner

Team's Best Feature(s): Talent out the wazoo (remember when people used to have stuff out the wazoo? that was fun).

Local Celeb Who Should Be Coach: Too Short

Why: He's Rap's original pimp, and you know he would command the respect of Randy Moss. If Randy gets out of line, nobody has a stronger backhand. Plus, he'd make Snoop the offensive coordinator, and introduce plays such as the "half bizzle drizzle," and the "play action pizzle." All the uniforms would be made from hemp, as well.

Others Who Were Considered: Huey Newton/Bobby Seale, Jason Kidd/Gary Payton, Every other rapper, Dennis Eckersley's mustache

Teams: New Orleans Saints

Old Coach: Jim Haslett

Team's Best Feature(s): One of the league's top 5 RB's. An improved defense, and the #2 pick.

City's Best Feature(s): Umm.... rubble?

Local Celeb Who Should Be coach: Hurricane Katrina

Why: I enjoy making the easy joke. Plus she's the most identifiable celeb with New Orleans. And if they didn't hire her, well, I wouldn't want to see her mad again... Wait, yes I would, how about she swings back around and finishes off Mississippi? Not enough people pretended to care about Mississippi the first time.

Others Who Were Considered: Louis Armstrong, Huey Newton (Ironic the leader of the Panthers was passed up twice?), Fats Domino, Bryant Gumbel, Kordell Stewart

Team: Houston Texans

Old Coach: Dom Capers

Team's Best Feature(s): Former #1 overall pick at QB. Talent at WR regardless of whether or not Andre Johnson ruined my fantasy football season. Young talent to build a defense around. Winner of the Reggie Bush (or now is it the Vince Young?) sweepstakes.

City's Best Feature(s): Places to eat everywhere, it's full of fat people. Six Flags.

Local Celeb Who Should Be Coach: (co-head coaches) "The People's Champ" Paul Wall, and Mike (who?) Jones

Why: They're basically the same guy anyway. And who doesn't love Paul Wall? Honestly, his lyrics aren't the best, and I'm pretty sure he's every bit as fat as Mike Jones, but hides it better. My policy on everything: the more rappers involved, the more entertaining it is.

Others Who Were Considered: Hilary Duff, Geto Boys, Lil flip, Kenny Rogers (who better to know when to hold, and went to fold... 'em), Renee Zellweger

Team: Detroit Lions

Old Coach: A guy named "Mooch"

Team's Best Feature(s): Joey Harrington is leaving

City's Best Feature(s): Renaissance center. A kickass museum. They know how to throw a riot.

Local Celeb Who Should Be Coach: Stevie Wonder

Why: Even he could see Matt Millen has no business still being the GM.

Others Who Were considered: Eminem, Diana Ross, Casey Kasem, Henry Ford, Francis Ford Coppola, Kid Rock, Rosa Parks

He drafted ANOTHER wide receiver?!

Team: Green Bay Favre's

Old Coach: Brett Favre

Team's Best Feature(s): Great fan base who won't care how good you are, as long as they can still remember past victories. Samkon Gado.

City's Best Feature(s): they just got a Radio Shack.

Local Celeb Who Should Be Coach: Brett Favre

Why: they obviously are never going to move on from the Favre era, so why make them? Stick him at the helm. It's not like his coaching can be any worse than his quarterback play the last few years. Even if he is terrible, Packer's fans will never admit it.

Others Who Were Considered: None. He's Brett Fucking Favre.

And THAT'S... how I roll.

1 comment:

Professor Ellis D Trails said...

that vincent price sketch was actually on last night, it was hilarious. I still think the nanrnia rap was funnier, but not by much