Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Ask The Experts

Welcome to the first annual pre-season edition of Ask the Experts, an exclusive DKOCSA column that allows you, our faithful readership, to ask important questions pertaining to Fantasy Football to our "extinguished" panel of experts.

First of all, let's introduce our panel!

Dr. Norelin Seit is an adjunct professor of Statistical Methods in the Mathematics Department of Notubright University in Pismo Beach, California. He was the lead researcher for the US Government cost analysis survey of ketchup packets vs. squeezable bottles for the opening bid contract with Del Monte.

Hugh Renassle has won the HFFITOC (Handicapped Fantasy Football International Tournament of Champions) the last eight years in a row. He's an inspirational story of a man born at Love Canal who has overcome mental retardation, cerebral palsy, Tourette's syndrome, gout and a severe case of irritable bowel syndrome to achieve unquestionable success.

Jimmy Bob Billy Ray Ned is the first official season ticket holder of the Carolina Panthers and uncle of the 2004 running back phenom, Larry Ned. He coaches high school athletics and teaches drivers education at Ashboro High in Ashboro, North Carolina. No relation to the "Deliverance" actor Ned Beatty, but an uncanny resemblance.

We at LOCKERROOM would like to thank each of these esteemed gentlemen for offering their expertise here, we appreciate their commitment and we hope their advice will be a beneficial asset to Locker Room and our readers for many years to come.

Now let's field some questions that have been emailed to us this week.

Will the Green Bay Packers win the Super Bowl this year? - Dan G. Sheboygan, WI

NS - Funny you should ask that, Dan, this is a very popular question in fantasy forums... however unrelated and unimportant it is. But I just ran a Z test with the null hypothesis "Green Bay will win the Super Bowl" and calculated it to a p = .005 probability. Turns oout they have a 1/32 chance of winning at this point. Of course, there are other factors involved such as; a head coach living in the shadows of a much better previous coach and has no idea how to build a championship caliber team or keep the one he inherited, no defense for the foreseeable future, an aging quarterback way past his prime production years, a big headed wide receiver who thinks the word team is spelled with an "i". All of that means I had to reject my null hypothesis, so I can say with 99.5% accuracy that Green Bay will NOT win the Super Bowl.

HR - Wudda fuck.... r u wedarded? Ged ouda hewe u homew!!

JBBRN - I said turn left! LEFT!! I'm sorry, what was the question?

I just drafted this team in a 10 team standard scoring redraft league; do I have a shot at the title? QB - Collins, Losman RB - Westbrook, Taylor, Bennett, Gore WR - MAson, Chambers, Branch, Rogers, Price TE - Troupe K - Nugent DEF - Pittsburgh. Kyle Z. Elizabethtown, PA.

NS - Amazingly, you still have a 1/10 chance of winning your league. Of course, every week of the season will only decrease that probability since you drafted a team that looks worse than a first year girl scout in a 16 team league. That's not just my personal opinion, I did run your roster through my 2005 Fantasy Draft Analyzer v2.1 program and this was the answer it gave after a seeminly endless stream of HAHAHAHAHAHA. First time that's ever happened.

HR - Wudda fuck... Diju faww athweep on ur keyboawd duwing ur dwaft?

JBBRN - Who did you draft in the first round? Westbrook? Nice draft Sparky! We have room for a manager just like you in our money league. We love people like you.

You guys are awesome! I loved your advice on KRAP Monday Morning QB radio show last year. Your advice helped me finish 8th in my league after being in the cellar for 6 straight years. I was wondering if you guys had any sleeper picks this year for TE. That's a highly overlooked position. Jerramy S. Seattle, WA.

NS - Jerramy, your last name wouldn't be Stevens by any chance, would it? What is the probability of two guys with the same odd spelling of a popular name in the same community? Oh never mind. Draft yourself you sycophantic megalomaniac!

HR - Wudda fuck... dighd ennz only ged fordy yards if dey r wucky. Scwodum wickew! Wadson or Miwwer.

JBBRN - Kris Mangum. He's been my TE for the last 3 years. He's due for a break out year this year.

In your guys opinion, who's the best rookie running back this year? Teddy N. Branson, MO

NS - Based on team needs, their pre-season performances so far and strength of schedule against defenses who typically do poorly against the run; I would say JJ Arrington or Frank Gore. Just look at the division they are in. Carnell is a close third.

HR - Wonnie Bwown! Shid fow Bwains!!

JBBRN - Like I tell my kids on our state champoinship coon hunting team... go with your gut instincts. If you know your dog has a bad habit of chasing squirrels than you gotta look for another dog to do the job right.

What were we talking about? Oh yeah.... running backs! Ciatrick Fason is my pick. Boy with a name like that had to learn to run real good at an early age.

Well, that's all the time we have for questions today folks. We'll try to squeeze in another edition before the season kicks off. Be sure to send in your questions or post any comments here at LOCKERROOM. Until next time.... have fun playing with yourself.

1 comment:

adamdabolt1 said...

Very nice start guys.........after reading over your blog, I think you should rename it. The locker room is just too cliche and doesn't truly embody everything that you guys are about. That being said, I think the new name for your blog should be "The Toolbox".