Professor Ellis D Trails Week 15 Syllabus

I just wanted to thank Creek for taking care of the Week 14 Syllabus, thus allowing the good professor to work on a very important study. I have been home and abroad studying how other countries, as well as our own, are handling the sudden craze over the Christ and Christmas debacle.

Creek, you did a marvelous job and I see that you take time to teach the children of America how to grow and save like you have. I didn’t know you were such a financial wiz.









It is such a needless thing in my eyes that people of different religious backgrounds should or should not be offended by the phrases “Seasons Greetings” “Happy Holidays” or “Merry Christmas.” Bill O’Reilly can say some intelligent things. Then he can be a jackass and contradict his own statements. He made a comment that non-Christians should not, in any way, be offended when someone says "Merry Christmas" as it is a general term for spreading holiday cheer and does not promote Christianity to others. I agree with this, Bill. Then, in a different setting, he states that Christians should be offended by people saying "Seasons Greetings" as it takes Christ out of this “Oh So Holy” Holiday. Are you kidding me, Bill?

This country seems to be looking for more bullshit problems in order to promote even more bogus solutions in an asinine effort to become even more politically correct than where we have so ridiculously become today. Our president admitted today that he invaded Iraq based on faulty intelligence and it seemingly goes unnoticed. I am truly appalled at the state of our “Democracy.” It amazes me how the more we fight for “Freedom” in Iraq, the more we take away “Freedom” from our own people.

If you want to say "Merry Christmas", go ahead. If you want to say "Seasons Greetings", go ahead. People, you should not be caring about this senseless crap. There is so much media attention on worthless celebrity garbage and meanwhile our country's ideals that founded this great nation are going to Hell in a hand basket. I know that the words I speak will do nothing to the faceless zombies that drive this pandemic, but I had to express my deep disgust for this situation.

Now that that is out of the way, I am baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack.
I know you all missed my analysis and prognostications. I have painstakingly licked enough frogs to comprehensively delve into possibly the most important fantasy football week of the season, other than the fantasy bowl, of course.

Always remember, your teams may have been down and out, but this is where you can make up for everything in one week. Oh yeah, as you can see, things can always be worse.






Saturday, December 17, 2005

TB @ NE 1:30pm
Tampa has won three straight games on the road since losing to SanFran. New England has a comfortable two game lead in the weakest division in the AFC. I think that Tampa is due for a letdown.

Chris Simms – He might be flustered with the defensive schemes he will see this week.
Cadillac Williams – This guy seems to have put the injuries behind him and is picking up steam. If they can get into the playoffs, he is going to have to shoulder the load.
Joey Galloway – Except for last week, he has put up good fantasy numbers every week since week 6. Start him.

Tom Brady – He's not a super great start, but should do enough to win.
Corey Dillon – Not very many yards this week as the Bucs have a better run defense than the Bills. He might get a score though.

KC @ NYG 5:00 pm
KC gets beat in the final seconds by Dallas much in the way that they beat Oakland. The NFL certainly knows how to even the scores. The Giants looked mediocre in their win over the Eagles and doesn’t seem to have the tenacity that they had earlier in the year.

Trent Green – He's doing it again. Late season fantasy points. This guy has 7 TD’s in the last four games. I would only be starting Peyton and Carson above him right now.
Larry Johnson – He does it against poor defenses and against strong defenses. Take a lesson, Willis McGahee.
Tony Gonzalez – He is truly a disappointment with only 2 TD’s this year. He is still second in the league for TE receptions and fourth in yards.

Eli Manning – Hasn’t thrown nearly as many TD’s (3) as Int’s (6) in his last three games. He needs a strong performance to build on.
Tiki Barber – Yardage hound and great heart shuns the naysayers from preseason. The one-time butterfingers has only fumbled once this season.
Plaxico Burress – He has been quiet lately and seems to not run all of routes with the same fervor. However, he is due for a big game.
Jeremy Shockey – Kansas City is giving up the most points to TE’s and the most TD’s as well (10). You do the math.

DEN @ BUF 8:30 pm
Denver played an ugly game against Baltimore but who cares, they won. Buffalo has gone from a team that looked strong to a pathetic team one game ahead of the Jets.

Jake Plummer – After going eight games without a pick, he has thrown 3 in three games. The good news is that he did not throw one last week. The bad news is that 5 of his 6 Int’s have come on the road.
Tatum Bell – With Anderson struggling the last 3 games and Bell taking most of the carries last week, I look for him to exploit this Buf team that gives up the second most points to running backs.

Sunday, December 18, 2005

ARI @ HOU 1:00 pm
Arizona sucks and Houston is worse. What a game.

Kurt Warner – Should have another big week, but one must wonder if he can put up the numbers, since his team won’t be trailing as much to force him into a passing mode.
LF/AB – Both of these guys should do well this week.

Dominick Davis – If you have to start a Texan, this guy is it, except maybe for Andre.

SEA @ TEN 1:00 pm
Seattle is on fire and hasn’t lost since week 4. Tennessee is not as bad as their record would indicate, they are worse. The Titans pass defense has gotten better, but they just can’t seem to play consistently.

Matt Hasselback – I really think that Holmgren is going to shove SA down the Titans throats this week. I also thought that last week and Matt throws for 4 TD’s. Go figure.
SA – MVP
Darrell Jackson – He finally returns this week and, honestly, Seattle doesn’t need him. I would play him if I had him, but I won’t be surprised to see him leave early with another injury.

Chris Brown – I wouldn’t start him. His receiving skills have given fantasy owners some hope, but you just can’t count on that with him.
Drew Bennett – I know he has been hurt, but he was one of the earlier WR taken in drafts this year as a sleeper and you would have gotten more points drafting Erron Kinney.

SD @ IND 1:00 pm
If San Diego wants any shot at winning the division they have to win their last three games and hope that Denver loses all. Indy is trying to go undefeated, but there is already talk among the coaches about not playing slightly injured defensive starters because everything is locked up. Hmmm… Interesting.

LT – If Simon doesn’t play because they want him healthy for the playoffs, then LT will take this team to victory this week.
Antonio Gates – He proved this year that Tony G answers to him.
Drew Brees – He actually impressed me this year. Although he probably will not have as high of a rating as last season, he should easily have more completions and yards and maybe even more TD’s as well. Congratulations Drew.

Peyton Manning – He has thrown 3 TD’s in 4 of his last 6 games. He is on pace for 33 TD’s which is amazing considering after the first 6 games this year, he was on pace for 11.
Edgerrin James – San Diego is one of the better teams in stopping the run and they need this game wayyyyy more than Indy does. He is obviously a must start though.
Marvin Harrison – I think people finally realize that no one is going to take this guy’s job away. He is the man around the end zone.

CAR @ NO 1:00 pm
New Orleans beat this team on opening day. They are two completely different teams since then. After New Orleans beat the Bills, I said that they would not win again. My bad, they have won once against the Jets, barely. Big f’in deal. They suck and they know it.

Jake Delhomme – Surprisingly, the Saints only average giving up about 180 yards to opposing QB’s and Jake has only one 300 yard game this season along with throwing 3 TD’s only twice.
Steve Smith – He has 87 receptions for 1329 yards receiving and 10 Td’s. The rest of the team has 139 receptions for 1540 yards receiving and 9 Td’s. With nine other receivers besides Steve, that averages to 15 receptions 171 yards and 1 TD’s for the season for each of them. Is that because Steve is so good or the rest of the team is that bad. I say a little bit of both.
DeShaun Foster – He has been featured a little more lately, but still can’t find the end zone, despite scoring a couple of weeks ago.

I have no comments about any New Orleans players. I would start none of them.

PIT @ MIN 1:00pm
After breaking a 3-game slide last week, the Steelers begin the dogfight for a wildcard slot. The Vikings have somehow clawed back in the playoff hunt. Who will choke? Choker, er..I mean Cowher or the venerable lobotomy poster child himself Mike Tice.

Jerome Bettis – This guy just never goes away. I thought he should have retired two years ago. I would start him this week, but be careful as Minnesota has only given up two TD’s to RB’s in the last 5 weeks, one to Ryan Fitzpatrick and one to Tiki Barber.
Hines Ward – He has scored in 4 of the last 5 games and looks good to score again this week.

Brad Johnson – He takes few risks, which is no good for fantasy owners, but does well for the Minnesota Vikings. Pitt has some trouble playing in loud domes as shown in the Colts game, but the Vikings are no Colts.
Michael Bennett – He has gone over 70 and scored in each of the last 2 weeks, but don’t forget this is the same guy that has 3 games this year with negative yardage. Also, his two best games this year were against Detroit.


NYJ @ MIA 1:00 pm
With one more win, the Jets could make the last game of the season against the Bills for sole possession of last place. The Fins are one the 3 teams that the Jets have actually beaten this year and I just don’t see it happening again. Miami has played pretty good ball as of late and had a nice win against San Diego last week.

Laveranues Coles – He scored in week two against the Dolphins, but that was when Pennington was still the QB. It might as well have been last year.
Cedric Houston – He played well in place of Martin last week and should come back to earth this week.

Gus Frerrotte – Not worth a start this week.
RB/RW – It’s hard to tell who will get the lion share with this duo. Most likely it would be Ronnie. It’s even harder to tell who will score.
Randy McMichael – After scoring 4 TD’s in his first 4 games this year, he has only one since, Ouch. The Jets have only given up 2 TE scores this year, but one of them was to McMichael.

PHI @ STL 1:00 pm
The battle of the two 5-8 teams of the NFC. This is a shocker for me. My beloved Eagles looking more like wounded ducks. St Louis doesn’t have it much better. These two teams have been decimated, but should put on a game that will be fun to watch.

Ryan Moats – I should have picked him up last week and started him over Chris Perry. I would have won if I had. If he makes it til my pick this week, which I’m sure he won’t, I will gladly play him against the team that has given up the most rushing touchdowns all season.

Ryan Fitzpatrick – Eli threw 3 Int’s against the Eagles last week and still won. He could do ok.
Torry Holt – There are no big games left for the Rams this year, but this guy has pride and loves to put up the big numbers.
Stephen Jackson – The Rams are still a throw first team, but I like Jackson against the Birds this week.

SF @ JAC 1:00 pm
The Niners haven’t even come close to a win on the road this year. They are about as bad as they come. Jacksonville controls their own fate and play three pretty mediocre teams in San Fran, Houston, and Tennessee.

David Garrard – This guy has played pretty well in place of Leftwich. Now he gets to face a team that would have trouble stopping a Division II college team.
Jimmy Smith – He just went over 12,000 yards for his career. In fact he has moved into 13th place just 46 yards behind Charlie Joiner. He has scored in two straight games and seems to have a good rapport with Garrard.

CLE @ OAK 4:05 pm
Tuiasosopo had a chance to take the job from Collins and failed. So, Collins is back in the lineup to continue the futility that is the Oakland Raiders. Cleveland is trying to build, and have been for several years. Frye and Edwards should be a nice pair. Now, if only Winslow could ever get into the lineup.

Charlie Frye – This kid is real green and definitely needs time to develop. He is only worth a start this week if you are truly in a bad situation.
Reuben Droughns – This guy is a sleeper this week. If Cleveland can get any kind of a lead, then Reuben could have a solid day.

Kerry Collins – He will continue to instruct on just how one can steal a paycheck.
Lamont Jordan – Cleveland gives up 132 yards a game rushing. NUFCED.
Randy Moss – He has given up on this year and when Randy gives up, you all know what happens to his production.

CIN @ DET 4:05 pm
The Bengals have played some clutch ball. They have only lost to Indy, Pitt, and Jacksonville. They don’t lose to the Detroits of the world.

Carson Palmer – I bet he is glad that Bailey won’t be playing this week. He is a must play every week.
Rudi Johnson – When Perry got hurt last week, RJ ran all over Cleveland
Chad Johnson – He was shut down last week for the first time all year, won’t happen again.

Roy Williams – He is the only guy worth starting in the Lions and even that is a stretch.

DAL @ WAS 4:15 pm
A good ole NFC East Rivalry game. The Skins and the Boys doing their business. Dallas is one game back of the Giants and the Skins are one game back of the Cowgirls. This one is too close to call. Just when it looked like Washington was in the toilet, they win two road games in a row. I know, I know, they were against the Cardinals and Rams.

Marion Barber – Washington is susceptible to a good ground game and if Parcells knows what is good for him, then he’ll stick with the hot hand and limit Jones.
Jason Witten – He just voided the final four years of his deal making him a restricted free agent. He will play the final three games to get the big money.

ATL @ CHI 8:30 pm
Atlanta doesn’t have its best games against strong defenses. Vick was hurt at the end of last week’s win and doesn’t have the luxury of sitting for the playoffs. Chicago is riding their defense to the end. I am not saying that it will happen, but a certain team won the Superbowl a few years back with a strong defense and Trent Dilfer as their QB.

Michael Vick – Even if he starts, I would go in another direction. Chicago is a swarming defense and only allows 11 points a game. They have only given up more than 7 points at home once and that was in a loss early in the year to Cincinnati.
Warrick Dunn – I wish he scored touchdowns but, alas, he doesn’t and creates lineup problems weekly for it.
Alge Crumpler – He is the only receiving threat on this team this year. Roddy White is progressing, but he is not there just yet.

Thomas Jones – He has averaged about 5 yards a carry in the last two games and I like him to score this week.
Chicago Defense – They are always a threat to score.

Monday, December 19, 2005

GB @ BAL 9:00 pm
This could possibly be Brett’s swan song on Monday Night and you know that Madden will be almost completely unintelligible. Brett could throw 10 int’s and will do nothing wrong through Madden’s rose-colored glasses. Baltimore needs to go back to the drawing board.

Brett Favre – A true legend says goodbye to Monday Night Football, most likely. He should have left last season
Samkon Gado – I can’t see him continuing this pace. Noodles is hoping that Gado leads his team to victory over mine this week, we’ll see.
Donald Driver – This game should be low scoring and does not bode well for either team’s wide receivers. Brett could go off, but I just don’t feel it.

Chester Taylor – Sneaky pick this week. He will get more carries than Jamal. Green Bay is giving up like 120 yards per game, but on the other hand they have only given up 5 rushing TD’s to running backs all year.

Top QB’s for Week 15

1. Peyton Manning
2. Matt Hasselback
3. Carson Palmer
4. Trent Green
5. Kurt Warner
6. Drew Brees
7. Eli Manning
8. Brett Favre
9. Jake Delhomme
10. Ben Roethlisbeerfdfsdjfhsdkjfhdfk

Top RB’s for Week 15

1. Shaun Alexander
2. Larry Johnson
3. LaDanian Tomlinson
4. Rudi Johnson
5. Edgerrin James
6. Dominick Davis
7. Clinton Portis
8. Tiki Barber
9. Thomas Jones
10. Lamont Jordan

Top WR’s for Week 15

1. Steve Smith
2. Anquan Boldin
3. Joey Galloway
4. Marvin Harrison
5. Torry Holt
6. Chad Johnson
7. Larry Fitzgerald
8. Plaxico Burress
9. Terry Glenn
10. Jimmy Smith

Sleeper of the Week – Ryan Moats

Moats looked great against the Giants in his first career start. The Rams have allowed a league high 17 TD’s to opposing running backs. Both teams have nothing to play for and Moats is playing with a lot of heart.

Bust of the Week – Michael Vick

Most of you will say this is an obvious choice, but he has been playing hot. He was hurt last week, yet he promises to play this week. Even if he does, he will have problems all day. If you have another option, I suggest you use it. This game should be a defensive battle.

There it is. For those of you in your Fantasy Bowl, good luck. For those of you in the semis, good luck as well. As for the rest of you, let the mock drafts begin. Just kidding. I know the season is winding down, but this is where the true prognosticators really dig in. I subscribe to too many a newspaper and love to read all that I can. This upcoming time of year is the time where a lot of pertinent fantasy information can be lost. Keep your eyes and ears open and it’s never too early to think about draft position and keepers for next season. I have a suggestion for those of you with leagues that have no use for week 17. In a league that I used to be in would have the Fantasy Bowl in week 16 and during the final week of the year, there was no head to head matchups. It was considered the All-Star week. Every team would start all of their normal starters and bench players and the team with the highest points would get a bonus $50.00. Just a thought

Don’t forget, always go with your gut and don’t look back.

By The Numbers - Week 14

It’s time for a look at the fantasy numbers for week 14. Alphabetical honors go to Matt & Larry, and we get to bash a couple of miserable RBBCs. As for history, can you say Dallas’ playoff hopes after this week?

26 Skidoo & Drew

Matt Hasselbeck finally woke up from a dream state (4 TDs, 226 passing yards) and rewarded his owners with 26 fantasy points. Maybe I’ll be wrong about my preseason prediction on a first round exit for the Seahawks … naaaaahhhhh!

Larry Johnson continues to be my personal fantasy savior, at least in one league. His 3 TDs and 143 rushing yards gave happy owners everywhere 26 fantasy points. I predict a similar success this week for one Clinton Portis …

I’m not talking about Boo Bledsoe (24 fantasy points) only because I HATE THE COWBOYS. DALLAS SUCKS! GO SKINS (please get healthy!).

Rush For The Exits

Enough of the bad QB performances already – we all know that Mark Brunell (3 picks, 122 passing yards, -4 fantasy points), Alex Smith (a pick and a fumble, 77 passing yards, -2 fantasy points) and Brett Favre (a pick and a fumble, 170 passing yards, -1 fantasy points) sucked last week. Let’s see how the RBBC approach is working for Nick and Denny.

Ronnie Brown & Ricky Williams did everything they could to sink the Dolphins ship (58 combined rushing yards and two fumbles) with their negative two fantasy points between them. Fortunately for the rest of the team (if not for their fantasy owners), Gus Frerotte noticed what the immortal Sage Rosenfels figured out a long time ago – throw the damn ball to Chris Chambers!

Speaking of crappy RB committees, how about the JJ Arrington & Marcel Shipp show! These two combined for 53 rushing yards, two fumbles and negative two fantasy points. Just imagine what Denny Green could do if he had a running game – oh yeah, NOTHING! Talk about overhyped …

Finally, we turn to Willis McGahee and his disappearing act. He managed to avoid turnovers, but his 3 rushing yards and 5 receiving yards still equal a big fat fantasy goose egg. Along with the explosive Julius Jones and the mismanaged Steven Jackson, Willis has to rank near the top of the disappointing RB pile for this season.

This Week in Fantasy History

In honor of the late Richard Pryor, this week we take a look at two week 15 performances by black quarterbacks on one of their best days.

Believe it or not, Daunte Culpepper didn’t always suck, it just seems that way to his owners this year. Back in 2002, he had a stunning fantasy day in a 32-31 victory over the Saints. His two passing TDs, two rushing TDs, 312 passing yards and 73 rushing yards won the game, including a hookup with Randy Moss with 5 seconds remaining. Does the future hold any more of these 33 fantasy point days for Daunte? Perhaps Richard can put in a good word with the man upstairs …

When Kordell Stewart was good he was very good. As the QB for Pittsburgh in 2001, he led the Steelers to a 47-14 victory over the Lions. His personal totals of 226 passing yards, two passing TDs, 22 rushing yards and two rushing TDs gave fortunate owners a 29 fantasy point boost for the day.

NUFCED by wikkidpissah

HUT-HUT

There is no team-sport athlete more important to his team’s fortunes than a pro quarterback. As I’ve noted previously in this space, the play of the 2005 NFL season has revealed a wider gap between the best & the worst at this position than I have ever seen. Since there are a few QBs getting new chances to impress at the position, I thought I’d take a look at quarterbacks past, present & future for what special qualities it takes to be one.

QBs past – Otto Graham was the 1st QB I became aware of. I may have watched him play but don’t remember doing so. I DO, however, recall my elders talking football as they watched, and the wonder with which they would marvel at Otto’s ability to take his team on his back and lead the Browns to victory (he was 48-13-1 in his 6 seasons after the Browns joined the NFL from the All-American Football League, and led the to the NFL Championship Game all six years) left me with my first impression of the importance of the position.

The best I ever saw was Roger Staubach and, the funny thing is, I hated him with a passion for his entire career. But I’ve yet to see such a combination of skill & leadership, passing & running ability, and sheer will to win in another QB. He also called a great game, in the long lost era when QBs actually did that. My favorite was Joe Montana – growing up with the 60s Celtics gave me a taste for the intelligent side of sports, and football was never more so than when Bill Walsh & he reinvented the game, seemingly on the fly. I’ve also never seen an athlete placed more happily at the center of his universe than was Joe at his job. I must also mention Fran Tarkenton before I leave this category – though he was terribly overrated, to watch him scramble like a Popeil product was one of the singular pleasures of my youth as a fan.

QBs present – It is impossibly sad watching Brett Favre playing past his prime, for he is the QB I would most have liked to play for. To watch him roll out, throw a searing fastball on the move to a perfect spot, get simultaneously spun around by a monster hit, then get up and congratulate his assaulter, run back to the huddle and say “how bout that – let’s do it again” would have had me blocking like a maniac for him all day. He’s paying for that style of play now, and I wish he’d stop.

As a Patriots fan, Tom Brady holds a special place in my heart. When I heard that he fell asleep at halftime of his first Super Bowl, I knew I was watching something special. Except for Michael Jordan, I’ve never seen an athlete more certain he would get the job done than this young man.

QBs future – Even though Peyton Manning is older than Brady, I’m putting him in this category because he’s about to give us a half decade of QBing excellence which may well be unprecedented. Somewhere between Staubach & Robocop in his skill set, to watch him engineer & execute game plans is an oddly pleasing experience. As long as he has this supporting cast, the only possible way to beat him will be, in the way Roberto Duran brought down a seemingly undefeatable Ray Leonard, by exploiting his awesome pridefulness.

I think Carson Palmer will end up falling into a similar category as the Dans, Fouts & Marino. Supremely talented, more touch than Leo Buscaglia, he may end up being found to lack that li’l summin, that Kavorka, to be a dynastic figure at the position. As to ones we’ve yet to see on the big stage – if I were running one of the many headless franchises around the league, I would be drooling at the chance to meet the Chargers’ price for Phillip Rivers. I saw a lot more of his college games than I do most NCAA players and I really got a good feeling from his joie de guerre. My fears are greater than my hopes for Matt Leinart and considering his excellent decision to return to school, those hopes are high. Also, from what I’ve seen of Vince Young, I’m far more greatly anticipating his pro career than I did MrMexico’s – he actually IS a QB.

Now to a QB-oriented look at the week’s action, including many of the auditioning gunslingers.

CIN 23 CLE 20
Charlie Frye will be the Browns’ QB for the rest of Romeo Crennel’s tenure as their coach. Kid’s got a looong way to go, but he has the same “10 yards? 3 downs? BFD!!” attitude as the QB his coach left behind in New England & they should fit each other to a T...Bengals tried today to do the same thing Dungy did with Colts earlier this season, rein in their high-powered offense so they could play ball-control when needed down the road. Didn’t work out as well – CPalm’s still too young for his rhythm to be messed with, coach.

IND 26 JAX 18
The only possible way to stop PMan is to discover a way to slow down a kind of play he feels he should be able to make at will & hope he forces it to the point that you can pick him a couple of times...Don’t let the prevent-stats fool you – Garrard did NOTHING positive when it counted & I doubt he ever will. If Lefty (who ain’t much better) isn’t coming back, though, they oughta be practicing some shotgun formation to make better use of his running skills. He might settle in a little better that way, not unlike getting a layup helps your outside shot in b-ball.

MIN 27 STL 13
Brad Johnson continues to take nooo chances whatsoever under any circumstances. He only takes what you’ll give him which, when you’re playing the Rams, happens to be 27 points...Fitzy will try to take anything what aint nailed down, no matter how ill-advised. He reminds me of the old-school QBs who were free to walk the earth before coaches understood the true cost of turnovers. I’d like to see them bench him for the 1st half of the next one, just for some schooling before he comes in. He'll be a good’un, if they save him from some shellshock.

JETS 26 OAK 10
P-Tui!!! Marques showed unequivocally he’ll never be more than a backup. I’d say “bring on my boy Andy” but I’m not sure of the wisdom of subjecting ANY young QB to that godawful o-line...Brooksy seemed more comfortable without such an obvious 1st option as CMart on the field. Still sucked, tho.

PGH 21 CHI 9
Roethlisbergerfrickle is the ball-control QB Cowher’s been looking for his whole career and they will challenge for the playoffs every year they are together. That will be as far as it goes, however – the modern game has passed them by & any new-age offense will shitstomp them when it matters...KyleO has less of a clue in the pocket than a 1st-round American Idol contestant.

TEN 13 HOU 10
McNair could still help a team looking to buy a year or two for a QB prospect & that’s what I think he should try. He won’t go anywhere with the Titans & should turn it over to Volek...God, I hope the Texans can win a game or two down the stretch – they need Leinart or D’Brick a LOT more than Bush, but the hype (deserved) will prevent them from going that way if they have the #1 pick. Someday, David Carr’s PTSD will kick in and they’ll find him in the office of his car dealership biting the heads off Barbie dolls and molesting the water cooler.

TB 20 CAR 10
Chris Simms should join the “Up With People” musical troupe if they are still around. Those are the only circumstances under which I’ll ever appreciate his All-American good looks and incessant tap-dancing...Jake-Not-Snake’s ego is the best and the worst thing about him. He should put more faith in his teammates and game plan, cuz his skills aren’t what he thinks they are.

NE 35 BUF 7
You have Tom Brady on your team, you have a chance to win any game. But don’t let this late-season bum-of-the-week tour through AFC lEast fool you into thinking they are playoff-worthy....You have Loseman with his 1st morsel of confidence off the connection with Evans, you have home field in bad weather, you have a crippled defense to face. HAVE A FUCKIN GAME PLAN, YOU DUMB SHIT!!! Mularkey should never be allowed to coach another game off this snotburger alone.

NYG 26 PHIL 23 OT
Eli shows more of his old man’s stubbornness the more the season progresses. Sonny...pssshhhht...over here....Plaxico doesn’t run all his routes with equal vigor. Stop considering him as your possession receiver and go thru your freakin progressions!...Shotgun, Andy – if McMike is your QB, shotgun – he’s a running QB who ran ONCE today. And, while I got you here, the rook’s running circles around the Giants. He gets but eleven carries and not a SINGLE look as a receiver? Really?!

SEA 41 SF 3
OK, this is a stretch, but Hass faced the Niners so there aint much to say. Lofa Tatupu may end up being the best defensive QB since Mike-in-the-middle Singletary....Please, football gods, let Alex Smith be the last #1 draft pick at the position who doesn’t get a year’s apprenticeship. If teams are gonna make the investment (and I thought this particular one to be poorly made from the beginning) may they at least protect the investment. Pretty sad to have to begin your career as a David Carr wannabe.

WASH 17 AZ 13
Mark Brunell is very, verrry tired. And having but one wideout to target is flat exhausting both he & Santana...Having two great wideouts (and Bryant J as a 3rd option ain’t too bad neither) to target is having the opposite effect on Warner. He’s having a ball.

MIA 23 SD 21
After over a decade, I’m starting to understand the Frerotte pattern: suck, suck harder, don’t suck quite so bad, suck, suck so hard that you’re replaced, suck the coach’s bone til he gives you another chance, don’t suck, suck, suck harder, etsuckera.........I think I’ve said it before, but the most interesting decision made this entire offseason will be the Brees/Rivers one. If it’s me deciding, helloooo Phil!

DAL 31 KC 28
Good old-fashioned shootout. Sorry, Trent – if you go on the road and run up 500 yards of offense on a good D, you shouldn’t have to lose...all season I’ve been expecting the other shoe to drop and for Drew to revert to his shell-shocked back-footed ways, but I guess the faith Parcells shows in QBs he likes is the cure for what ails ya. Good to see.

DEN 12 BAL 10
You can always count on the other shoe to drop with Kill Boller. The Broncos reeeally wanted to have a letdown game, MClayton’s coming on as a receiver, Heap’s finally rounding into shape and ready to rejoin the ranks of top-tier TEs and Mason’s a steady as Dubya’s pulse but NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! There was never any doubt that you’d do whatever it took to lose this one. Brian St. Pierre’s GOTTA be a better option than this recondite bum....Jake’s a good QB – no bum, no star. That’s relatively huge in the present state of affairs

GB 16 DET 13
The only way I got throught this snoozefest was by wondering how much better off both Brett and the Det WRs would be if they were on the same team.

I hope, if this season serves any purpose outside the coronation of an undefeated champion, that it is as a guide to the do's and dont's of the care & feeding of franchise QBs. Dunno how many more seasons of wincing I can take. Play hard -

WETBOAT'S SUNDAY MUSINGS, WEEK 14

Silver Streak (1976): My favorite movie, ever.

RICHARD PRYOR, REST IN PEACE

When I was a kid, I never enjoyed watching movies. No matter if it was Snow White and the Seven Dwarves, Pinocchio, or even Saturday Night Fever. Yeah, I really liked The Wizard of Oz, but that was because I fell in love with Judy Garland (pre-drugs and drinking).

My view toward movies changed one day, when my parents took me to the theater to see some runaway train movie with Gene Wilder and some other guy I never heard of. Yes, it was R-rated, but what did my parents care? I'm glad I grew up as a kid in the 1970's, when there wasn't the degree of ambivalence over taking kids to R-rated movies, in the context of today's exposure to all the sex, violence and gore occurring every day in video games, posted on billboards, and transmitted over the Internet. It was a simpler time.

Every time Gene Wilder got kicked off the train, he said, "Son of a bitch!" That merited big laughs from me every time. I reserved my energy, though, for Jill Clayburgh's wonderfully sleepy, sultry eyes -- I spent soooooo much time staring at her that I kept having dreams about Jill for months afterward.

But once Richard Pryor stuck his own Afro-ed head above the backseat of Gene's stolen police car, my concept of movies was forever changed. Here was this raw, foul-mouthed black guy who screamed at a Jewish comic about how he was trying to kill blacks by driving a stolen police car like a maniac.

I stared at him. Who was this guy?!? At the same time, I burst out laughing.

Gene and Richard were a wonderful team. A Jew and a black, hurling insults at each other, and laughing about it afterward. With Richard along for the ride, it was perfectly acceptable for Gene to strut around the train station in blackface and talking jive-Afro-black talk to elude cops who were on the lookout for them. (This is not to say I support white guys acting in blackface. It's objectionable and disgusting. But that scene with Gene and Richard -- that was very different. It was poking fun at blackface, and at how whites butchered the way blacks talk. This was just an incredibly funny scene.)

Sure, the Wilder-Pryor movies -- Silver Streak, Stir Crazy, See No Evil, among others -- were campy movies, in some cases poorly directed and acted. But there was no mistaking the genuine comedic talents of the Wilder-Pryor team. They acted off each other, and the result was nothing short of rib-ticklingly funny.

I could look past Richard Pryor's personal problems, because his true talent and passion was in his comedy. His literal "flame"-out in 1980 involving cocaine was shocking and unsettling, but it never changed my opinion of him.

It was truly a shame that Richard Pryor was rarely seen after the late 1980's, when he succumbed to MS and spent the rest of his days in private life.

Richard Pryor: you're insulting, annoying, and an asshole. And you're god-DAMN funny. I love you, and wish you the best in heaven, hurling foul-mouthed insults at God and the angels. They'll love you for that, too.

Rest in peace, Richard.




R.I.P. Eagles Triplets, circa 2005

FIX THIS, ANDY REID!

I know, I've ragged on T.O. in the past, starting with my first posting in week 1 when I criticized his teamwork abilities and stated I would never work for him even if he threw millions at me.

T.O. is a cancer to any team. He makes life difficult for everyone on the team from the front office on down.

But, I never thought it was a good idea to suspend T.O. while the Eagles were still in the running in the competitive NFC East.

If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Dan Snyder fired Norv Turner in 2000, when the Redskins were 7-6 and fighting for a playoff berth. Lord knows, there were fans up and down the Beltway, in Virginia, and up in Central Pennsylvania clamoring for his head, after the Redskins lost close games they should have won. But that was the wrong time to fire him. Once the Redskins replaced Turner with Terry Robiskie, the team went into a tailspin, lost their next two games, and finished 8-8 and out of the playoffs.

Like I said, if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

It's like the story of the noob FF owner who can't be satisfied enough with Shaun Alexander and Carson Palmer, is 4-6 in his league, and wants to bench them because they play Tampa Bay and Baltimore, and his backups play Houston and San Francisco. Puh-leeze. Shaun and Carson got you those 4 wins, not the 6 losses. Get real.

IF IT AIN'T BROKE, DON'T FIX IT.

Sure, T.O. has been an ass. But when the news broke that the Eagles were going to suspend him for the rest of the year, my eyebrows rose (Note: that happens only on RARE occasions, like when Lawrence Taylor broke Joe Theismann's leg, but that's another story). I mean, it's one thing to discipline T.O. for what he said about McNabb on TV, and for whatever indiscretions and insults he made to the team in private, but it's another thing to send him off to the corner when the Eagles were very much in the thick of the playoff race and needed everyone to contribute.

Once T.O. left, it became academic. McNabb hung in there and did a great job in the post-T.O. games against the Redskins and Cowboys, but he made poor decisions that ultimately cost the team and, in the end, his own season. Defenses became more daring about crowding the box and chasing McNabb, because they didn't have T.O. to worry about, and could cover a whole lineup of pedestrian receivers. In a sense, not having T.O. put the onus on McNabb to perform. Once McNabb went down, it was up to Westbrook to carry the load. That didn't last long, did it?

But wait, what about last year, when T.O. got knocked out by injury? The Eagles continued performing at a top level and got themselves into the Super Bowl without T.O.!

There's a difference between injury and suspension. With an injury, it's one of those "oh, what bad luck!" occurrences that the team doesn't have control over. It's up to them to continue performing at a high level, and their morale and confidence will get them there because they know it wasn't their fault. It was just one of those unfortunate injuries.

A suspension -- that's different. The Eagles realized they had to perform not only to get them into the playoffs, BUT to PROVE to the whole world that the suspension was justified. That's a lot to ask for. That's why I respect the 1978 Yankees so much despite their Bronx Zoo mentality. That year, Steinbrenner fired Billy Martin in midseason about 3 weeks after the All-Star break, and replaced him with Bob Lemon. Management shakeups are bitches to deal with. In spite of Steinbrenner's stunning action, the players soldiered on, and the team roared back and knocked the Red Sox off their perch. They had to PROVE they could go on without Billy, and oh my good God in hell, they did!

It was one of those RARE instances where the "If it ain't broke, don't fix it" adage didn't apply.

As a general rule, the Eagles should have waited on T.O. until the end of the season.

Terrell Owens is laughing all the way to the bank. His value increases with every Eagles loss. He will get a fat contract next season from an NFL team who's sucker enough to want him.




New Orleans fans have a few beers ahead of the Monday Night showdown between their "hometown" team and the Atlanta Falcons.

SAINTS RETURN TO NEW ORLEANS

Commish Tags announced earlier this week that the New Orleans Saints will hopefully return to the Louisiana Superdome in late 2006.

I'm wondering, is this really a good idea? I know, it's extremely important for New Orleans residents, and particularly for those across Southern Louisiana, that the Saints return to the Big Easy and boost the morale of a city devastated by Hurricane Katrina. There is no question that New Orleans will rise again, and the air of the city will be filled with energy, electricity, and colored beads.

But, last time I checked, it's still below sea level. The rapid erosion of Louisiana's coastal wetlands -- a prime reason New Orleans got flooded even though it didn't even get hit by Category 3-force winds (Category 4-force winds hit Biloxi and Gulfport) -- makes this city even more susceptible to moderate storm surges in the next few decades. Even Hurricane Rita, far out in the Gulf of Mexico, re-flooded parts of New Orleans.

In addition, the Saints return to an income base that has become far smaller thanks to the mass relocations of significant numbers of people to other parts of the United States, and the reduction of available housing stock in New Orleans proper (as much as 50% off pre-Katrina levels). That means smaller revenue streams -- I'm not just talkin' about tickets, but also other items such as luxury suites and merchandise. If I ran the Saints, I would get the team out of there in a flash. (And do a better job managing the public image -- as Benson tragically showed when he was threatened at the first Saints game in Baton Rouge.)

Case in point: Galveston was Texas' largest city in 1900, and very much a booming town. The 1900 hurricane hit Galveston, killed thousands of people, and promptly consigned this coastal city to second-tier status in Texas. Houston's population exploded after the 1900 hurricane as people from Galveston relocated up the bay. If it wasn't for that hurricane, Galveston would have had three professional sports teams by now, and we would be treated to the GalvestonDome instead of the AstroDome.

Baton Rouge is going to become a major metropolitan area in 10-20 years. I would move the Saints to Baton Rouge while the fruit is still low-hanging, and sign up for a much better and more profitable deal. Benefits the team all around, and ensures it stays in Louisiana.

New Orleans can keep its French Quarter, shrimp etouffee, and soul-stirring jazz funerals. We need them. But this city is no longer equipped to host a major professional sports team in an arrangement that is profitable to the team's owners.

Baton Rougers, enjoy what's left of your small-town feel. You're never going to get that back again.

A Look Ahead: 2006 NFL Free Agency (By Creek)

You know what the NFL offseason means... more of ^THIS^ guy.



With week 14 of the NFL season already upon us, this means one thing for many teams-- the draft is coming! The NFL draft, is my favorite thing in sports (other than Adam Morrison's mustache), and had developed into something everyone suddenly knows everything about. Well, before you worry about the draft, you should focus on the free agents your team could be looking at. So, with nothing else to write about (no college games this week = unhappy Creek), I've decided to take an early look at the top 5 unrestricted free agents at each "skill" position.

QB:
1. Drew Brees (current team: San Diego)
The answer to the "Brees or Rivers" debate depends on whether or not the Chargers make the playoffs. Even if they go 9-7, but miss out on the playoffs, I think Phillip Rivers takes over as starter. Basically, the only chance Brees has to keep his job, is to make the playoffs. The loser of the Brees/Rivers battle, will certainly end up in Miami.

2. Jeff Garcia (current team: Detroit)
Due to injuries, never got a chance to really separate himself from Joey Harrington. Stay with me here, but Favre retires, and the Packers fire Sherman, and bring Mooch back to Green Bay, we could see Garcia brought in to bridge the gap from Favre to Aaron Rodgers. Miami is also a possibility here, or he could catch on somewhere as the permanent backup.

3. Jon Kitna (current team: Cincinnati)
From what I've read, he is really content finishing his career in Cincinnati, backing up Carson Palmer. Should be interesting to see what he does if the Jets or Dolphins contact him and promise him a chance to start.

4. Kurt Warner (current team: Arizona)
Will go wherever there is a young QB that he could spell from time to time if need be, and maybe even start a game or two if need be. The Raiders seem like the type of team to give him a call if they cut Kerry Collins.

5. Josh McCown (current team: Arizona)
Will likely be back in 'Zona, but in what capacity? Isn't a "Denny Green guy," and the Cards could be going QB in the first round of the draft.

RB:
1. Shaun Alexander (current team: Seattle)
Running better than anyone in the league, and it would have only cost you a second round pick last year. Can't see Seattle letting him get away.

2. Edgerrin James (current team: Indianapolis)
Another guy who could have been had for a 2nd rounder last year. Miami has been mentioned a lot with him (as it has been in the past) due to him being from here and all. The Colts would be fools to let him go.

3. DeShaun Foster (current team: Carolina)
The Panthers have worked him into their starter, and he will be re-signed for bigger money than you expect.

4. Jamal Lewis/Chester Taylor (current team: Baltimore)
The Ravens will resign one of these guys, and it would seem the fans would rather have Taylor. Thng is, Lewis had to rehab a major injury in prison, and wasn't ready for the season. Tough to imagine where he would go, but San Francisco, Minnesota, and Houston are some of the teams that could try taking a chance on him. Especially if the Texans and 49ers miss out on Reggie Bush.

5. Ahman Green/Najeh Davenport (current team: Green Bay)
Another team with its #1 & 2 RB's on the market. I'm betting Davenport stays, as no coach wants to inherit a RB with fumbling problems. Green would be a good fit in Arizona with Denny.

WR:

1. Reggie Wayne (current team: Indianapolis)
May be the odd man out in Indy this offseason. Miami is the hottest rumor for him right now, but of course, I'm going to throw the Eagles out there as a possible candidate. Kansas City is a team in need of a big-name WR, and they are willing to spend the money.

2. Antwaan Randel El (current team: Pittsburgh)
He should stay put, but a team in need of a big play guy (Miami, San Francisco, Houston) could make a big play for him in this weak WR market. In the end, I think he stays put, as he and Hines Ward make a great duo.

3. Keenan McCardell (current team: San Diego)
An older guy, but would still be a great #2 anywhere, maybe even a #1 somewhere like, oh, I don't know, Philly? Could go somewhere like Cleveland, where a veteran on the WR corps would be a nice addition. also, KC would love to swoop himaway from the Bolts.

4. David Givens (current team: New England)
I definitely think the Patriots will re-sign Givens, as long as he doesn't ask for a ridiculous amount of money. I can see someone offering him more money, but the Patriots have a better chance than most to win next year.

5. Peerless Price (current team: Dallas...kinda)
Someone will give him a chance to see the field. Wherever he goes, it'll have to be somewhere with a good system in place, like St. Louis, or Denver.

TE:
1. Chris Baker (current team: NYJ)
Showed flashes of how good he can be, before getting hurt. Someone's always looking for a big, athletic TE, and perhaps a team like Denver, Cincinnati, or Jacksonville will sign him to get their team to the next level.

2. Christian Fauria (current team: New England)
Dependable redzone target, which a lot of teams will covet. Especially a team like Green Bay, that does use a lot of 2 TE sets.

3. Justine Pelle (current team: San Diego)
Arizona needs anybody at TE, and taking a chance on Antonio Gates' backup isn't a bad idea. He's a athletic guy, and could serve as a security blanket, if they draft a QB.

4. Robert Royal (current team: Washington)
Basic, run-of-the-mill-white-guy TE. Doesn't do anything great, but doesn't mess anything up. A lot of teams could use one.

5. Jerame Tuman (current team: Pittsburgh)
A very good blocker, and underrated receiver. I think he'll stay in Pittsburgh alongside Heath Miller to help out with the blocking.

Creek's Week 14 Syllabus ..."But I'm Not Bitter"

I've taken time out from being your #1(ish) college football prognosticator, to take a shot at the big leagues. As my good friend, Professer Ellis D Trails knows, being an Eagles fan, we need a good distraction this year. Enter fantasy football. Up until last week, it was the only thing about football the Eagles hadn't ruined (no, I'm not bitter). What's more fun than scouring the waiver wire for the likes of Samkon Gado, and (THE IMMORTAL) Sage Rosenfels? Which leads us to the upcoming week 14, and the start of fantasy league playoffs everywhere. Including my own, where I now have to replace the injured Brian Westbrook for the rest of the season. Thanks, Eagles (bitter? who?)! But I digress. You see, as a man who believes in nothing (not even an honest days work), my league's playoffs is like a religious celebration for me. Not quite on par with Christmas or Yom Kippur, but I would liken it to Aseret Yemei Teshuva. It's the days between the end of the season struggle to make the playoffs, and the championship game which lay ahead in the not to distant future. the whole time getting ready for your "day of atonement," or the day you win your leagues championship, and make up for everything in the past year(s) of fantasy football that you have done wrong. Do I take this too seriously? Probably, but at least I don't have to worry about some fat person in a red suit breaking into my house and eating all my cookies... Yes, I think we're all happy Kirstie Alley has learned the art of self-control. With that typed, it's on to the games:

Chicago @ Pittsburgh
For one, the Steelers have been passing the ball too much as of late. Roethlisburenflurgerburger's bum thumb should have been a clear sign to run the ball last week, but they ran into the scoring machine that is the Cincinnati Bengals (the apocalypse approaches), and had to throw the ball in the 2nd half. This week however, against a slightly (sarcasm? where?) less explosive offensive attack, the Steelers should be able to run the ball most of the game. I would say both Willie Parker and Jerome Bettis are decent starts this week. I see Willie getting about 75 yards and a TD, with the bus getting his vulture TD. Roesthlisberger is a "start only if you have to" play, while Hines Ward is a definite start. Maybe take a chance on Randel El if you're feeling lucky, but I won't be. As for the Bears, it's all the usual suspects. Start the defense, and Thomas Jones if you have him. And if you have anyone else on the team, hang your head in shame... go on, do it.

Tampa Bay @ Carolina
Always a fun game. If Tampa wins, it would move them into a tie atop the division, and their quaterback is Chris "shit the bed" Simms! Who would have seen this coming? Even Chris Simms has to be suprised by this... just don't tell Phil I said that....he knows people. People with guns. Ask Steve Young, he'll tell you. Back to the game - obviously the best play here is Steve Smith. Really a shame he doesn't get as much pub as CJ, because he's got some good celebrations too. Stephen Davis had 2 TD's when these two met last time, but he's slowly being pushed out of the offense, and Foster didn't do squat against the Bucs D last time. Galloway is always a play, and an injured Cadillac didn't do well against the Panthers last time, but this time in Carolina he could do better but, then again, most motorists don't when you have people like Ric Flair running around assaulting drivers. WHOOOO!

Houston @ Tennessee
For those of you who have had their teams held hostage by Andre Johnson for most of the year like I have, doesn't seeing him start to perform better make you want to puke? All the stars were aligned for his breakout season so, naturally, he sucks. It only makes sense (ok, maybe I'm bitter here). The last couple weeks he's been a good start, and should be again this week. Dom Davis will get his 25+ carries again this week, and probably get a score. For the Titans, McNair and the tight ends (Troupe & Kinney... no Scaife this week, sorry Texas fans) should have good days. I would stay away from all of Tennessee's WR's past Bennett if you have a choice, but if you're looking for an emergency fill in (which hopefully you aren't given it's the playoffs), Roydell Williams has stepped up his game as of late. But most of all, there is no reason for you to be watching this game. None. Go outside, go bowling. Anything but watching Texans/Titans.

Indianapolis @ Jacksonville
Don't know why people are suddenly saying the Jags have no chance with Leftwich out. If you thought they had a chance with him, then they have a chance with Garrard. He's just as good. However, the Jags will lose this game even if they had 1997 Mark Brunell. Fred Taylor is supposed to be back, but I seriously doubt he does anything. If you're deciding between him and Greg Jones, go with Jones. Jimmy Smith is a good start still, but I wouldn't expect a whole lot from the passing game. As for the Colts, if you have someone on their team, start them. It's that simple.

New England @ Buffalo
J.P Losman is a sneaky good start this week. And of course, Lee Evans is enjoying another late season scoring spree.(thufferin' thucatash!) As for the Patriots, it was nice to see Corey Dillon score for the first time since Howie Mandel was funny. Ya know, considering he teamed up with 'Dre Johnson to cost me $50 and all (no bitterness though). Brady, Branch, and Dillon are all good starts this week, and if you want to take a guess on which one of their TE's will score this week, g'head.

Oakland @ New York J-E-T-S
The wheels have officially fallen off in Oaktown and, as predicted by yours truly, it's because of their defense. They can't stop the run or the pass. Watched them 2 weeks ago against the Lphins, and they made Gus Frerotte look like Tom Brady, and the game was IN OAKLAND! You can't allow Gus Frerotte to beat you on the road. Getting the start at QB this week for the Raiders is former Pac-10 star Marques Tuiasosopo. He's got some mobility and a big arm. Would expect a lot (talking like 4 a quarter) jump balls to Randy Moss. Of course, both Wikkid and I will be clamoring for another Pac-10 guy, Andrew Walter, but who cares what we think? We just some genius bastards anyway. As for the game, C-Mart is hurt, but should play. He'll be good for a score. Moss obviously is a good play, as is "Dilliards" Coles (yes I still use that nickname... screw FSU.) this week. I am expecting big things out of him this week.

St. Louis @ Minnesota
The Rams had a rookie who didn't even play D-1 ball making his 1st start last week, playing alongside a running back with the size and speed of a young Earl Cambell, so naturally, they elect to throw the ball 36 times and run it 11. You know what they say, you can take the Rams out of Mike Martz, but you can't take the Mike Martz out of the Rams. When Martz dies in a week, do you think the Rams will throw the ball every play to pay homage to the man who lead them to...umm... nothing. SJax, Holt, and probably Bruce are starts for the Rams and, for the Vikes, Brad Johnson, Michael "NFL's Marcus Camby" Bennett will have big days. So will one of the Robinson boys at WR. The problem is, which one? I'll go with Marcus, just 'cause I can't see Koren having two big games in a row.

Cleveland @ Cincinnati
This will be a high scoring game, and probably a close one. Cincy is off a super emotional win, going against a "Creampuff," except this creampuff is coached by Romeo Crennel. Rule #1: Don't mess with dudes named Romeo. They don't put up with shit. For some reason, Chris Perry's touches have diminished the last couple of weeks. He was a good filler in deep leagues, but it seems they were just keeping Rudi fresh for the home stretch. CJ, TJ, and Chris Henry are all good starts at WR and, as for the Browns, past Droughns, I guess, if you have some grapefruits, you could take a chance on Frye. I like how the Browns have handled him this year. Slowly work him in. Shame Braylon got hurt. It could affect Frye's game severely. Braylon allows QB's to just throw it up and pray... ask Chad Henne (a tad bitter I suppose).

New York G-Men @ Philadelphia
Lasciate ogne speranza, voi ch'intrate

(but hey, at least I'm not bitter)

San Francisco @ Seattle
I'm sick of all this "Shaun Alexander for MVP" stuff. Yeah, he's had a great year, but Peyton Manning is about to lead a team to an UNDEFEATED SEASON. Now I know some of you will say, "but he has a great team around him, and the Seahawks would be nothing without SA. The award is most VALUABLE, isn't it?" Well, guess what. Fuck you. Remember that real annoying kid in school who would always tattle on people, and correct the teacher. Well that's you. That's what you've become. Way to go, buddy. (Am I bitter about this too? Yeah. So what?!) Of course this week, Hasselbeck, SA, and Jurevicius are starts for Seattle, as well as the human highlight reel Brandon Lloyd.

Washington @ Arizona
Favorite thing nobodies talking about this year: The emergence of Bryanquan Lamboldin and Larry Fitzgerald as the best WR duo in the league. The compliment each other so well. In fact I always hear them saying things like "great play," or "nice ass." Portis & Rock Cartwright both had over 100 last week, but obviously you're only going to start Clintoris. Santana Moss has really fallen off, but is still a start because you dance with the one who brought you there (a lesson my prom date could have used. Stupid bitch... but I'm not bitter). Arrington's been getting more carries, but I still wouldn't go with him unless absolutely necessary.

Baltimore @ Denver
For Denver, Mike the Marine is a definite start. I would probably throw Rod Smith in there with this week's "must start" guys. Still don't trust Jake the Mistake. For the Ravens it's simple. Start no one.

Kansas City @ Dallas
Ladies and Gentlemen (actually, make that gentlemen & gentlemen), my uncle is crazy. See, my uncle's a diehard Chiefs fan and, after the game against the Broncos last week, he calls me, and leaves a half drunk, half bewildered message on my phone. What did he say on the message you ask? Well, here it is:

"I hope you now believe, Pat. I hope you believe. Even with the conspiracy, we pulled it out!!! They were gonna ruin the game for us if we didn't challenge it, but (inaudible mumbling, sounds like he's fighting back tears) and we did it! I heard they were going to add the 1985 Bears to the Chiefs schedule to make sure they don't win. But they can't stop us! We're going, baby!"

I used to make calls like that to people about the Eagles...(B-I-T-T-E-R) This week, expect a letdown in Big D. By the way, what happened to Marion Barber and JJ splitting time? Anywhoo, Each team's #1 RB, TE, and WR are definite starts, while the QB's are good plays as well.

Miami @ San Diego
ALL HAIL THE IMMORTAL ONE, SAGE ROSENFELS! Even though it looks like he won't start this week, it was nice to see Wikkid's boy get the win last week. In the process, Chris Chambers (who still can't make the catches he's supposed to) had a YUGE day. And you know it's big if I go Trump on that ass. Big 3 in SD is a must start, as well as Keenan McCardell. A thing to keep an eye on, is how many carries Michael "the burner" Turner gets. He got a TD last week.

Detroit @ Green Bay
Here's the thing: Both teams suck. Not your usual suck, but full-blown "Spy Kids 3-D" suck. But, then again, who am I to talk with the state of the Eagles and all (you know what's coming). Gado and Driver are the only 2 would start from this contest. The entire Lions team looks very "meh" right now. And one more thing: FIRE MILLEN (clap clap clap clap clap clap), FIRE MILLEN (clap clap clap clap clap clap), FIRE MILLEN (clap clap clap clap clap clap).

New Orleans @ Atlanta
One hell of a Monday nighter we got this week, fellas. All of DVD is a start this week, and of course Alge Crumpler. Roddy White is a guy I like this week, and should be a good sleeper for next year. As far as New Orleans goes, their team is in shambles, plus I'm sure Atlanta will start a fight with them before the game just like they did to another team the last time they were on MNF... but at least I'm not bitter.


I'll holla

By The Numbers - Week 13

It’s time for a look at the fantasy numbers for week 13. All kneel to the Seattle Seahawks (for now), or just kneel to the porcelain god after watching some pretty horrific QB play … thank God for history!

History Made

No matter how many times I look at it, I have a hard time believing the 44 fantasy points delivered by Seattle’s defense. Four sacks, four picks, two fumble recoveries, three TDs and a shutout. Folks, that’s the highest single game position contribution total for the year! Just to give you a little perspective, the Seahawks had scored a total of only 83 fantasy points in the previous 11 games. One for the history books …

Most of us can’t claim to have started Lee Evans this week. Unless you are in a 14-16 team league or have 25 roster positions, you didn’t have the good fortune to add his 23 fantasy points to your team’s totals. If you projected his first quarter work over a full game, the guy would have scored 92 fantasy points!

Carson Palmer had a pretty good week, with three TDs and no mistakes adding up to 22 fantasy points. Somehow, it just pales in comparison … but at least it’s a far cry from what’s next (here, not for Carson).

More Bad QB Performances

How horrible did Mike McMahon and Koy Detmer look on Monday night? With four picks, a fumble and 145 yards passing between them, they cost owners negative 8 fantasy points. Fortunately for most of us, neither was anywhere near a fantasy roster – right? They’re just lucky they don’t get penalized for the defensive TDs. At least Andy Reid took pity on McMahon and pulled him before he could do any more damage.

Hey Aaron, oh Aaron, you suck! What a bust this bum has turned out to be. Aaron Brooks rewarded his owners with negative 4 fantasy points, rolling up four picks and a paltry 215 yards passing. Man, I hope the Saints fire Jim Haslett …

Eli Manning looked pretty horrid, too. With only 152 yards passing, two INTs and negative 1 fantasy points, he’s lucky he doesn’t get paid for his fantasy performances. Of course, I started Manning over Trent Green. Guess I’ll never learn, or I’ll start Trent the week he goes negative …

I’d rag on Brett Favre (-3), Alex Smith (-3) and Kyle Orton (-1), but I’m too tired. Besides, one of these guys is going to play in Super Bowl XL … you figure it out.

This Week in Fantasy History

This week, we take a look at two week 14 performances by quarterbacks, at least one of whom has to be mentioned in the discussion of greatest of all time. Both are obvious HOFers (it’s an SB thing).

In the 1994 season, Steve Young guided the Cincinnati Bengals to a 50-14 pasting of the Cincinnati Bengals. Young threw for 294 yards and three TDs, and he ran for two more TDs. That’s a sweet 33 fantasy points and a real turn of the tables compared to today (Alex Smith, you’re no Steve Young).

How many of you remember that 9 years ago for the Minnesota Vikings, Brad Johnson managed a tidy 28 fantasy points versus the Cardinals? I always marvel at what a small world the NFL has become. If a few of us are very lucky, we may yet ride the BJ bandwagon and Vikings resurgence to fantasy championships.